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"You'll regret later."


naakka

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This comes up so often when you tell someone you're ace and explain don't want to have sexual relationship or biological children etc. People treat this as a phase, and what worse a phase complete waste of time. Like your life wasn't worth living before sex. This attitude really got me when I was younger, made me to feel like I was hurting myself by not dating and doing the related stuff. Many thought you can't be alright without sexual relationships. These days I've mostly got over it, but I have to admit I still have the fear of "regretting it later" because of I've been brainwashed by the thought. Even if I know for sure by now that this isn't a choice and forcing myself to do things I don't miss will only hurt me.

 

Anyone feeling the same? How you cope with the fear of regret? Have you actually regretted anything related to asexuality?

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Now that I am coming to terms with my asexuality, I honestly have no regrets. Actually I've spent several years (since I was 19-20 I guess) without caring about even having a relationship at all. If the need wasn't there, I wouldn't even think about it, or think that my life could be better in a relationship. Looking back I reckon that in my teens I was more subject to peer pressure, even just indirectly, and I could perceive having a sexual relationship as a need. But it wasn't a need coming from myself, just a construct derived from the (wrong) idea that we all experience the same needs in life.

 

I believe in never regretting doing what you want, or not doing what you don't want. IMO people instinctively do such "fortune telling" because deep inside they have a fear of what's different and what they can't understand. There is a variety of different perception of such needs among people in general. Some things may not be understood, but at the very least they should be accepted. This may be about asexuals, aromantics, sexuals who don't feel the need to have children, or just any kind of difference in any perceived needs. To put it simply, why should I regret not having something I don't need?

We rather need to remind ourselves that regardless what other people think, we are still the masters of our own perception.

 

Apologies if what I wrote was obvious, but I've just recently shifted from thinking "if I don't need it, I don't care" to "if I don't need it, it's ok and I am still a whole person regardless what others say".

 

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andreas1033

No, i have no regrets of being asexual, or staying a virgin. I never wanted to have kids, and that has never been any want of mine.

 

The world is over populated, beyond any rational argument, and its absurd, that so many people are born into the dirt into this world, and people still think, the world is not over populated.

 

Having no kids, has never been, and never will be a regret in my life.

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*Facepalm* Such narrow-minded people aren't worth listening to.

 

Just do what feels right for you, and perhaps keep your distance from those people. I used to second-guess myself a lot thanks to people who thought they knew what is best for me; now I realize that this caused me a lot of unnecessary suffering.

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Conceptually speaking I do understand what some people say about world overpopulation. In the sense: even if I don't reproduce, it's definitely not the end of the world.

Still, if I ever wanted to have kids, I'd probably try having them all the same... I just don't want any. The fact that many people, myself included, don't want to have children doesn't really need a justification at all.

 

I totally agree with CBC. When I go out I see so many families in which parents treat their kids as a nuisance they can't just get rid of. Luckily not all families are like this, but I still see a considerable amount. What were they thinking?... It just makes me sad for the kids.

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The vast majority of the time I've been told I would regret not trying X, I usually ended up regretting to try it.

 

Granted, X has usually been food.  But needless to say, I don't buy into hype anymore (not that I ever really did much)

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Yeah, I’ll really regret not getting my **** wet for an experience that a lot of people experience on a daily basis; it’s such a rare and transformative event /s 🤦🏻‍♂️😒. I hate how sex is treated like this miracle cure for stuff completely unrelated to it or even things that aren’t even disorders at all like social awkwardness and being quiet/serious. Like thanks for completely diminishing the struggles and sometimes positive characteristics of millions of people.

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This reminds me of a quote by Ricky Gervais from an Ellen interview:

 

Quote

It's an odd question, isn't it? "Why don't you have children?" It should be "Why do you have children?"

 

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It’s not like there’s an age limit on being able to have sex, like once you hit a certain age it’s “You can’t have sex anymore, that ship has sailed!”. If I eventually want to have sex when I’m older, then I’ll just have sex at that age. No big deal.

 

Obviously having kids is a different story especially if you’re female. But honestly I have antinatalist beliefs so even if some emotional part of me starts thinking “Aw I wish I had a cute baby”, hopefully my rational side will remind me that not bringing anyone into this world was worth it. Besides some people actually regret having kids too, and in my opinion that’s worse. At least if you regret not having kids some other innocent person isn’t involved.

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helana12_03
21 hours ago, naakka said:

This comes up so often when you tell someone you're ace and explain don't want to have sexual relationship or biological children etc. People treat this as a phase, and what worse a phase complete waste of time. Like your life wasn't worth living before sex. This attitude really got me when I was younger, made me to feel like I was hurting myself by not dating and doing the related stuff. Many thought you can't be alright without sexual relationships. These days I've mostly got over it, but I have to admit I still have the fear of "regretting it later" because of I've been brainwashed by the thought. Even if I know for sure by now that this isn't a choice and forcing myself to do things I don't miss will only hurt me.

 

Anyone feeling the same? How you cope with the fear of regret? Have you actually regretted anything related to asexuality?

Sometimes, a little bit. Like you, I've been fed this type of bull**** my whole entire life too. "If you don't date/have sex/... you'll end up like your lonely uncle". But then when I listen to my gut I realize that I would probably regret it a lot more if I followed their advice and had sex, or even worse, had children. I have zero interest in sex or having children. I absolutely can't stand babies. I also hate being chained down and I can barely take care of myself, let alone a child. Why would I do this to myself?  (or the poor child who would probably end up in foster care)

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helana12_03
20 hours ago, CBC said:

With the kids thing, I also enjoy asking "How do you know you won't regret having children?" That's usually a topic-ender, because I daren't suggest their precious sprogs might be a huge pain in the arse.

I think I'm going to start using this. Thank you.

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Thanks for the replies everyone! I'll comment on some things in more detail, but for now I'd just like to emphasize that I do not experience any sort of regret currently or think regret was likely to happen, nor do I have especially aphobic people around today (at least I can't recognize anyone especially aphobic).

 

I think my issue is simply the fear I still hold and can't get over due to things that had impact on me when I was younger. I even recognize how irrational this all is, but that doesn't help me.

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20 hours ago, andreas1033 said:

The world is over populated, beyond any rational argument, and its absurd, that so many people are born into the dirt into this world, and people still think, the world is not over populated.

It's not, we just use too many of our resources. I stopped blaming people for wanting to have children a while ago, its better to blame capitalism.

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@CBC Yea, indeed you shouldn't care what people think. I really don't care anymore actually, but there's still some deeper irrational fear I just cant get over. Most of the time I'm fine but at times the fear just suddenly comes up for no apparent reason. I have no idea why it came and no idea what made it to stop. I just feel very wrong for a moment, like "why I'm not feeling the regret I should", and then back to normal.

 

Anyhow, it's a good point that warning anyone about regret for any reason is stupid. You're not a fortune teller and you can't see inside anyone's head. You don't know everything so you shouldn't act like you did.

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21 hours ago, Soul of the East said:

IMO people instinctively do such "fortune telling" because deep inside they have a fear of what's different and what they can't understand. There is a variety of different perception of such needs among people in general. Some things may not be understood, but at the very least they should be accepted. This may be about asexuals, aromantics, sexuals who don't feel the need to have children, or just any kind of difference in any perceived needs. To put it simply, why should I regret not having something I don't need?

We rather need to remind ourselves that regardless what other people think, we are still the masters of our own perception.

You're probably right. It's inevitable that people reflect everything to their own experiences. It's just humane. Similarly, an ace person could question why to have sex when it makes relationships so complicated etc. Probably the best way to make people aware of this reflection is to make people aware of different kind of people. We're just not there yet with many minorities.

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21 hours ago, andreas1033 said:

The world is over populated, beyond any rational argument, and its absurd, that so many people are born into the dirt into this world, and people still think, the world is not over populated.

 

45 minutes ago, œddy said:

It's not, we just use too many of our resources. I stopped blaming people for wanting to have children a while ago, its better to blame capitalism.

I do think that the world is overpopulated (with humans and their cattle). It's a fact that the diversity of wildlife decreases at alarming rate, and more humans and farm animals there is, more decrease will happen.

For example this chart visualizes the situation very well imo:  https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.treehugger.com/sustainable-agriculture/amp/all-earths-land-mammals-total-weight-one-graph-wild-livestock.html

 

Anyhow, that's not the reason for me to not to want biological children. I just instinctively feel repulsed by the whole process of being pregnant, and I'm not that much into babies either. And also I think guilt tripping those who do want to have biological children is very inhumane, won't help anyone and just makes things worse actually. We shouldn't go into either extreme; everyone shouldn't have as much children as possible, everyone shouldn't remain childless either.

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Procreation is (or at least should be) a free choice. The only thing people could be truly guilty of is abandoning their offspring, abusing or mistreating them. One of my closest friends was left to starve at birth, her parents had the natural right to procreate by having functional genitals and sexual desires, but in my opinion they didn't deserve that right.

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everywhere and nowhere

I have been declaring that I don't want to have children since I decided it at the age of 5. Nobody believed me at that time, people said that I would change my mind - and I'm not even upset in any way about it, children may say lots of things and change their mind later. However, I never did. I'm now close to 40 years old and have never, not even for a while, felt any desire to have children.

 

And as for sex: the reverse can obviously also be true. And I have actually seen several asexuals who consented to sex and regretted it later. So it's a strong premise not to rush into trying sex. I believe anyway that people should only have sex if they are absolutely sure that they want to. (And "wanting to" may also include "asexual" motivations such as "wanting to make a partner feel happy", "wanting to know what the fuss is all about" - as long as the asexual is sure that they are approaching it without any coercion, it is fine. However, aces should never be expected to have sex. Sex aversion, feeling curious in some way and yet psychologically unable to go through with sex - are all valid attitudes.) I'm particularly sick of how a lot of young women consent to sex without really wanting it, because this is what their partners or society expect them to do - without attention to their own feelings, because this same society has long taught them that when you're a woman, the feelings of everyone else around you should matter more than your own... But asexuality should be a particularly strong encouragement to pause and consider whether "the rhetoric you" truly would like to try it, or whether you are just going with the tide of sociocultural expectations.

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Captain_Tass
34 minutes ago, Soul of the East said:

Procreation is (or at least should be) a free choice. The only thing people could be truly guilty of is abandoning their offspring, abusing or mistreating them. One of my closest friends was left to starve at birth, her parents had the natural right to procreate by having functional genitals and sexual desires, but in my opinion they didn't deserve that right.

I'm of the opinion that one shouldn't and mustn't have children unless they're fully prepared for that and aware of the immense responsibility that they're taking on. I'd once seen a post somewhere saying "If you aren't able to handle having a gay child, a transgender child, a neurodivergent child, a physically disabled child, a different child or any child, you really shouldn't have kids at all." and I fully agree with it. As I've said before, every child deserves parents (or guardians, or a loving home) but not all parents deserve children. If you're unable to handle a child for any reason, birth control exists and you should use it. If that opinion makes me a lukewarm antinatalist, so be it. I'm very much pro-adoption and would like to adopt a child once I'm older and ready to do so, but I'm aware that I can't stop anyone else from having children (and that I shouldn't, in some cases)

 

Unfortunately, having children is widely regarded as "a personal milestone in life", instead of "bringing (a) defenceless person/people into this world and being responsible enough to raise them up with love and acceptance".

 

I remember reading about a trans man who wanted to have a biological child by himself somewhere. His story was truly moving, he sacrificed so much in order to be able to have his kid and he was widely supported by his family during the pregnancy. He had said that before he transitioned (early twenties) he'd asked whether it would be possible to have children or not after the transition and he'd been told that testosterone would make him infertile. He had the urge to get pregnant before his transition, but ultimately decided against it because he was miserable and not in a condition to be responsible for the well-being of an infant. So he transitioned and during his early thirties, when he was happy and equipped to handle a child, he became pregnant and had his child. His partner left during the pregnancy because they realised that they couldn't handle a child, and he was left to raise up his child as a single father, with the support of his family and his community. As of the time that article was written, the child was one year old, happy and healthy.

 

Why did I mention all this? Because this was a prime example of everything that a parent should consider before having a kid. This man could very well have had a child before his transition, but he knew that would be very selfish and would ultimately harm himself and his child. He went to extreme lengths in order to become a father after his transition, and he succeeded. To him, having and raising a kid wasn't just some sort of point in the adulthood checklist, but an informed decision he made after considering what the optimal circumstances for his and his child's happiness and well-being would be. And that's what parenthood should be to everyone.

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Captain_Tass
2 hours ago, œddy said:

It's not, we just use too many of our resources. I stopped blaming people for wanting to have children a while ago, its better to blame capitalism.

Agreed. Just look at the homelessness-vacant home ratio for one. That's proof enough that this world is fit to accommodate everybody, but capitalism and capitalist mentality isn't.

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Anthracite_Impreza
On 4/25/2019 at 11:47 AM, CBC said:

because I daren't suggest their precious sprogs might be a huge pain in the arse.

I do, if they have an issue with that they leave me alone and I don't have to deal with them any more ;)

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