Hello! I'm new with questions and concerns. Looking to relate.

[a.creative]

This might be a long "I'm new" post, but it's okay. I hope.

 

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Hi!

 

I'd just like to say a few things about myself just so you get to know me a little.

 

I'm a 26 year old female and I'm currently in university majoring in graphic design. Wish me luck! I have a year left!

 

I like to play games (Destiny 2 atm), watch anime, listen to BTS and J-rock, and I love DC and Marvel movies.

 

Also, I'd like to point out that I'm Christian as this might be mentioned later on as part of my concerns/questions.

 

Also, I've been diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I'd like to explain what this is, but it'd take a long time. Long story short, my testosterone levels are higher than normal. How this plays with my sexuality will be mentioned later on. I hope someone can relate.

 

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So, now that that is out of the way I'll start telling my story.

 

How do I even start?

 

I've been wanting to talk to someone about my predicament on sexuality, but here I am. I figured this is the right place.

 

I've been reading "I'm new" posts and I keep seeing the word "broken." I've never really thought of myself as "broken", because I've lived like this for so long that I've accepted myself. But... I'm almost 30 years old. I'm single, and I still don't know what to do with my relationship/sexual life. So something might be wrong? How do I go about this?

 

Only until recently I've started to see myself as asexual. I've read on it, and I learned that there's a spectrum on asexuality. I've taken many "quizes" and I get varied results with "gray-a" being the frequent.

 

I'd like to point out that I'm a super independent person. Most likely becuase of how I was raised. I don't like to rely on others. I don't like attention. I don't like affection unless it's from my Dad. And that's just the occasional kiss on the cheek and hug with an "I love you." But that's a must, because, well he's my Dad. Unfortunately my Mom passed away three years ago. I don't think that affected me (obviously I cried my heart out). It probably just contributed more to my independence. I was super close to her. My parents were divorced. Again, I don't think this affected me. I'm a mentally strong person. My independence probably began since when my parents divorced. I was seven at the time with a two year old brother. If anything, I became a second mom to my younger brother.

 

I don't like showing affection. It's not that I hate it. I just don't see the need.

 

In all my life, I've been in three "serious" relationships. I -- my relationships don't last very long (all lasted three months). My first relationship was in high school. I don't really count it but, because sexual activity was involved I'm counting it. I'm not gonna lie. I love making out. This is where my questions begin. I'm sighing as I type this. This relationship involved a lot of making out and oral sex. The only reason I love making out is because it makes me feel aroused. I just love the feeling.

 

Hear me out.

 

I hate oral sex. I'm sorry, but it grosses me out. I did it to please my partner at the time. But had I known I'd hate it I'd never have done it.

 

My second relationship was pretty serious. At this point I'm still a virgin. I'm 19 or 20 years old. I did end up having sexual intercourse with this partner. A lot of making out and a one-time oral sex.

 

I never had an orgasm.

 

I probably had sex with him about 9 or 10 times. Never had an orgasm. And if I did have one, it was because of oral sex.

 

He broke up with me. He said we had sex too early. BUT, what he said after stood out to me the most. He said he felt I was bored with the relationship. Not enough affection.

 

I didn't feel a thing after the break up.

 

I'm 22. My third relationship was interesting. I don't particularly care about looks. My first and second partner were average good looking men. My third partner was below average and overweight. I didn't care. Again a lot of making out and a one-time oral sex (no sexual intercourse). I regretted the oral-sex after. I hated it. But, I genuinely cared about this guy. I accepted his flaws. He had kids. I never met them though. I mean, it was a three-month relationship. So you know how I hate showing affection? Well this means I don't like needy people. And he was needy. I broke up with him. He became suffocating and I couldn't take it anymore.

 

So what does this make me? I hate oral sex. I don't particularly like sex. But I love making out. I don't like romantic relationships. I hate showing/giving affection.

 

So remember I mentioned I was diagnosed with PCOS? Well, I have a high sex-drive. I masturbate frequently. I don't masturbate to a specific person or any person at all. I just do it for the orgasm. I have no desire to have sex with other people. I'm fine just doing it by myself. If anything, making out would be just fine as long as I have the pleasure.

 

So I'm 26 years old now. About to be 27 soon. How do you deal with relationships? How do you even have a relationship if the only thing you want to do is make out and be alone after?

 

Am I really gray-a? Or where in the spectrum do I fall on?

 

Anyone esle relate? Anyone with PCOS going through high sex-drive? How do you deal?

 

Any asexual Christians out there? How do you explain to your peers or potential partners about your sexuality?

 

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Thanks for reading!

 

a.creative

 

[Ennis]

Welcome to AVEN!

There's a whole thread for asexual Christians here: https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/114443-christian-asexuals/

Feel free to join us there.

 

As for your question - I don't know what your orientation is. Far more important (I think) is finding out what kind of sexual and romantic life you want. You've been having oral sex without really wanting to or enjoying it. You've had relationships you didn't like.

Do you even want to have a relationship at all? What kind of relationships do you need in order to be happy - neither lonely nor suffocating? How can you satisfy your sexual needs without hurting yourself or someone else?

 

There's a great books for twentysomethings. It's called The Defining Decade by Meg Jay. I can really recommend that! It does not mention asexuality though.

[a.creative]

Thanks so much!

 

I really don't think relationships are necessary. I don't even think they're necessary for sexual uses. I do believe I should have someone by my side though. But the more I think about it the more exhausting it becomes. So I just shove it to the side.

[Ennis]

1 hour ago, a.creative said:

I really don't think relationships are necessary.

What kind of relationships? Romantic, sexual, platonic, parent-child, neighbour-neighbour, priest-believer... there are so many.

 

1 hour ago, a.creative said:

But the more I think about it the more exhausting it becomes. So I just shove it to the side.

Ignoring that need may be easier short term, but in the long run it's not good for you, is it? Why do relationships stress you out like that?

[a.creative]

3 hours ago, Jona Rhys said:

What kind of relationships? Romantic, sexual, platonic, parent-child, neighbour-neighbour, priest-believer... there are so many.

 

Ignoring that need may be easier short term, but in the long run it's not good for you, is it? Why do relationships stress you out like that?

I probably just haven't found the right person that won't mind not having the attention or affection, or even lack of sexual activity.

 

And I apologize for not being specific. Uhm, I don't really have a parent-child relationship. I occasionally see my Dad. I guess that's the only relationship that matters. If I were to be specific and honest... If I don't need to interact with anyone, I'd rather not have a relationship with them. Or if I have to be even more specific if it doesn't benefit me I'd rather not have a relationship with them. A friendship is rare for me. I have one friend I guess I could be close to. Everyone else would just be considered acquaintances.

 

I hope I'm not coming off as arrogant.

 

I'm not even sure if I'm asexual. I don't know what I am. I'm really confused.

[Lichley]

Welcome! Well what you described is more of your libido and opinions on sex, but not sexual attraction. Asexuals can have a libido and be sex-positive, Asexuality is solely about a lack of sexual attraction towards others. 

This sketch comic might help: https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

[NickyTannock]

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Good luck on your major!

 

You could be an Aromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
Likewise, Aromanticism is a lack of Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

In my case, I've never had or desired a romantic relationship, so I can't answer your relationship questions.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Reindeer In A Winter Wonderland Cake,

[a.creative]

4 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! Well what you described is more of your libido and opinions on sex, but not sexual attraction. Asexuals can have a libido and be sex-positive, Asexuality is solely about a lack of sexual attraction towards others. 

This sketch comic might help: https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

I'm not sure if any of those describe me. If anything sensual attraction would be close. But you have to understand, PCOS is a chronic condition and it's never going away. My testosterone levels are high which then causes a high-sex drive. But I have no desire to have sex with anyone specific. So then exactly what even am I? Anyone can have opinions on sex. I'm not saying I'm calling myself asexual just because of my opinions on it. Honestly, I'm slightly more confused. But thanks for trying to help. And thanks for the cake.

[a.creative]

4 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

Good luck on your major!

 

You could be an Aromantic Asexual.

Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
Likewise, Aromanticism is a lack of Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

In my case, I've never had or desired a romantic relationship, so I can't answer your relationship questions.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Reindeer In A Winter Wonderland Cake,

Thank you so much. This really helped.  The cake is beautiful.