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I've just identified myself as Demisexual, but I'm finding it hard to understand if I am Demiromantic aswell?


oliver19232

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oliver19232

I've just come across the term Demisexual as 25 year old heterosexual male and it has blown my mind. It was like reading a book on myself and it has made me understand so much more about why I have felt so different to everyone else. It's reassuring that there are other people out there.

I've now come across 'Demiromantic' and I'm having a hard time understanding if this applies to me.

The idea of sex without romance is hard for me to understand - it's almost like they are linked and in separable, so I'm wondering if this means I am Demiromatic as well.
BUT, I feel what I am active searching out for is romance in a relationship, because romance to me essentially having that emotional bond that is required in order to be become sexually attracted to someone (as a Demisexual).
I feel like I am seeking romance in people, more than sex to form a relationship - which sounds like I am a 'romantic' (than demiromantic)?
I think the people I liked I have formed more of a romantic connection to first (even if just initially) then developed to the sexual attraction to them very soon after.

I don't know if I am requiring the romance aspect of it to be an initial thing I see in them or not, or weather I need to have the emotional bond first. But...
I do sometimes (very very very rarely) get a sense for someone personality, or quirk / appearance that I like prior to getting to know them (or not to get to know them most of the time!!), And I'm wondering if that is my romantic attraction to them (defiantly not sexual). Or is it just some sense that I can form an emotional bond with them?

Then if I make that bond, then I get a massive romantic and sexual attraction to them almost simultaneously (it hits me hard!).

 

Then again, I have had a situation where I have found a massive romantic and sexual attraction to someone after making the bond, even though I saw nothing in them that was potentially romantic initially (or them even that asteically pleasing initially!). But even in this situation I feel like it was the romantic aspect of it (after bonding) was what lead to my sexual attraction of the person.

Can someone help me out here? Gosh it suck to be me, but this has helped me understand so much about myself. It's kind of had an effect on my thinking of perusing relationships, because I've always expected that massive romantic and sexual attraction at once - and that's what I've come to expect when liking someone. But maybe I should now start perusing any glimmers that I might like someone romantically (or glimmers that I can form a bond with them - don't know which it is) because I haven't in the past, Basically because I haven't had that massive attraction to them - but maybe it was just because I didn't have the chance to form the emotional bond? But then again I don't know if I will form that strong bond at all from the potential glimmer or romantic attraction I may see in them. Catch 22!!!

 

I'm starting to think that all any (extremely rare) slight outward (physical, I guess) attractions to someone my all be romantic attractions and nothing else (not sexual of course). Does this mean I am a Romantic Demisexual, (or 'Romantic Demi-hetrosexual' to be more precise)? But I'm still not sure if the is really a romantic attraction to them, as the romance attraction feels a million times bigger once I make the emotional bond.

 

I have always wanted romantic relationship and nothing else in my life, in order to form a sexual relationship (always knew this). I never understood the desire to peruse someone just sexually.

I thought I was just picky, This has been enlightening leaning of this word.


I will say that do have a sense that with different people I am more inclined to think of them more sexually or more romantically, one way or another, but I need both aspects to become very attracted to them.

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Hi I’m pretty new too!

So I think I might be able to help you a little bit. 

Im going to start by defining demiromantic.

Being demiromanitic means you only experience romantic attraction toward someone after you have formed an emotional bond. (Ex: good friends)

Since you say you have had no attraction at first but then you felt attracted to someone after a bond, it sounds like to could be demiromantic. But only you could know for sure. You might also be some form of gray romantic, which is the umbrella term that demiromantic falls under. I’d suggest researching some romantic orientations that fall under this term and see if you relate to any of them. 

You said that you get of sense of someone’s appearance that you like before you get to know them. This does not nessessarily mean you are not demiromantic. I myself am demiromantic and I see many girls I find attractive. But that is only aesthetically pleasing to me. I do not and would not experience any romantic feeling towards them unless or until I get to know them. 

So, if you do experience initial romantic feelings before you get to know someone, you probably are not demiromantic, although you still could be. Like I said before, I’d suggest researching other romantic orientations. Only you can decide what your feelings mean to you. 

Oh, and have some cake:

(It’s an Ace Cake😁)

 

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oliver19232

Thanks so much for your reply, I will definitely look into it some more!

This is why its hard for me to grasp:
I don't understand the idea of romantic attraction prior to getting to know someone, I thought the whole point of romance was that you connected with someone. Though I do understand the idea of sexual attraction prior to getting to know someone (even though I don't have that), A) because sexual attraction is obviously still a physical thing for me (once I bonded), and B) because it is much more openly discussed about sexual attraction prior to knowing someone. (People say they'd 'bed' someone before knowing them, they don't say I'd 'win and dine them' LOL).

Maybe all my attractions are all secondary and not primary, and perhaps why I have been so 'picky' all my life. but maybe grey-romantic might apply to me because I do rarely get an initial outside physical attraction to someone to think of them romantically (or potentially romantic) - I am definitely actively seeking this of attraction in someone as a partner - but have come to expect that I should all so think of them sexually before perusing it (in other words have already made the bond) and I think my attitude to this might need to change in order to find people I am attracted to (Ie date people in order to form the bond).

I don't think the attractions I get for thinking of someone as potentially romantically are just an purely an aesthetic thing - as I do see different levels of aesthetic-ness in everyone I see - its just that they are never sexual.
People don't talk about initial romantic attractions openly, so it's hard to gauge where I am on the spectrum.

I will look more into grey-romantic.

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oliver19232

... I think I am now defiantly ruling out  Demi-romatic (I.e, I am not Demiromatic).
The more I think about past experiences, I HAVE felt romantic attractions towards people before bonding to them (quite recently infact), extremely rare, but can it has can very intense, and I am open to the idea of 'love at first sight' which wouldn't apply to a demiromtic, but this always only in a romantic way and not a sexual way initially, then the sexual attraction comes later after bonding. (I mean love is romantic anyway, not sexual surely).

Gosh, this is starting to confuse me. Despite what I said in my past post:
I'm thinking, I do experience (only) romantic attractions to people from the offset, but it is on a SCALE of some sort (in the same way someone might find someone more sexually attractive than others), and its just incredibly rare that I have find someone very romantically attractive.... (it's hard enough finding this sort of person in the first place in order to bond with them to gain the sexual attraction! Then they are probably most likely already in a relationship, which is what has happened to me recently, and was extraordinarily hard for me to deal with).

I still don't know if this identifies my romance as normal (a romantic? heteroaromatic?), or a Grey-Romantic (- because I 'Experience romantic attraction but not very often' which is one definition of a grey-romantic).

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oliver19232

I think 'grey-heteroromantic, demi-heterosexual' seems to sum me up quite well, which is a right mouthful! And probably explains why I am forever doomed and fussy.

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I’m glad to hear you’re settled. Happy I could help!👍

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