musikk021 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I've always thought of myself as gay (I prefer the term gay to lesbian) since I've always been attracted to women. But I also never understood the sex-craze that seems so prevalent in society. I always thought that sex just wasn't a big deal to me, that I have an unusually low sex drive, or that I just don't think about it much. After a sort-of relationship with a girl who was extremely sexual and wondering why I don't seem to care about sex when other people do so much, I've been looking up asexuality and thinking I'm part of the spectrum somewhere. I may be asexual or demisexual but I'm mostly having a hard time defining myself because...When it comes to "sex" between women, what is even considered to be "sex"? It seems easier to define for hetero couples or between two men, but I've always found it hard to define when it came to lesbians. Does "sex" have to involve penetration or the genitals? What if I have romantic desires/physical desires for intimacy, touch, kissing, cuddling, and all that but I'm completely repulsed by the idea of oral sex or even touching genital areas with the hands? If you're unclothed and being intimate with someone but not involving the genitals somehow, is that not considered "sex"? How can I know if I'm asexual if I can't quite define what sex actually is? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SweetTart Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 That's a bit difficult to answer, but I think a question that might help is do you have the desire to perform an act that you consider to be "sex" with someone? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
musikk021 Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 1 minute ago, SweetTart said: That's a bit difficult to answer, but I think a question that might help is do you have the desire to perform an act that you consider to be "sex" with someone? Yes, what I consider to be "sex," I do desire. But I'm not sure if what I consider to be sex is actually considered sex as defined by the majority of society. So say if I consider acts A, B, and C to be sex, but most others consider acts D, E, and F to be sex. If I don't want to engage in acts DEF and others don't consider ABC to be sex, then can I still consider myself a sexual person or would I be asexual in the views of the majority? This gets complicated...haha 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I'd say it is a sexual act if it leads to arousal for you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Grimalkin Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 It sounds to me like you desire sensual contact but not sexual contact. Because yes, even if sex doesn't necessarily involve penetration, it does typically involve the genitals in some way. And from my limited experience, allosexual people actively desire genital play. I don't mind performing oral sex on my partner, but it boggles my mind how much he enjoys both giving and receiving it. Wouldn't have ever considered it, really. So yes, if your ABC acts involve mostly kissing and cuddling, and you really can't stand the idea of anything related to genitals, then you're probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum. You're probably experiencing sensual attraction, not sexual attraction. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SweetTart Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 43 minutes ago, musikk021 said: So say if I consider acts A, B, and C to be sex, but most others consider acts D, E, and F to be sex. If I don't want to engage in acts DEF and others don't consider ABC to be sex, then can I still consider myself a sexual person or would I be asexual in the views of the majority? Personally I would say if you consider something to be a sexual act and you enjoy it, and you don’t want to identify as asexual, then don’t! it doesn’t matter what “society” considers to be sex, only what you do. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 6 minutes ago, CBC said: That's actually not the greatest guideline. Personally, I'm not into anal sex. Not gonna find that arousing. But if I have anal sex with someone, it's still sex. On the other hand, if for some reason I'm aroused by... god, I don't know... looking at daffodils (lol I'm not, just made that up)... looking at daffodils is not sex. I know that acts involving the genitals would be considered sex, even if they don't lead to arousal. I was just saying that in my understanding, an act could be considered a sexual act if it's done with the purpose of achieving arousal for you/your partner, even if it doesn't involve the genitals. And I was only talking about partnered sex, not about one person getting aroused by something. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
musikk021 Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 On 4/24/2019 at 9:53 AM, Grimalkin said: It sounds to me like you desire sensual contact but not sexual contact. Because yes, even if sex doesn't necessarily involve penetration, it does typically involve the genitals in some way. And from my limited experience, allosexual people actively desire genital play. I don't mind performing oral sex on my partner, but it boggles my mind how much he enjoys both giving and receiving it. Wouldn't have ever considered it, really. So yes, if your ABC acts involve mostly kissing and cuddling, and you really can't stand the idea of anything related to genitals, then you're probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum. You're probably experiencing sensual attraction, not sexual attraction. Yes, I do believe I experience more sensual attraction/desires than sexual. But I do think that if two people are naked, being extremely intimate, touching, kissing, etc. and doing everything except direct genital contact that all that would not be considered sex. Your genital areas can still become aroused by all that other contact. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
musikk021 Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 23 hours ago, SweetTart said: Personally I would say if you consider something to be a sexual act and you enjoy it, and you don’t want to identify as asexual, then don’t! it doesn’t matter what “society” considers to be sex, only what you do. I don't necessarily want to identify as asexual, but I'm just wondering if identifying as such would explain my lack of interest in sex (as society defines it). The media and all are so saturated with sex, sex, sex that it seems to be such a fundamental part of everyone's life and that it's something people can't seem to do without. When it comes to relationships, the sexual part of it is the last thing on my mind. I'd place much more importance on the emotional connection and depth of the relationship and the physical part just comes along with it (but isn't the first thing I'm worried about). In terms of defining what sex is to me, if I define it one way and say my partner defines it another way, then to me we'd be having sex but not to her. I don't know... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
musikk021 Posted April 25, 2019 Author Share Posted April 25, 2019 2 hours ago, PrismaticDream said: I know that acts involving the genitals would be considered sex, even if they don't lead to arousal. I was just saying that in my understanding, an act could be considered a sexual act if it's done with the purpose of achieving arousal for you/your partner, even if it doesn't involve the genitals. I think that's kind of how I see it. If physical intimacy and contact lead to arousal even without directly involving the genitals, it can be considered sex. Though I think most people don't see it that way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 A belated welcome to AVEN! You could be a Homoromantic Asexual. Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, and I interpret stimulation of the genitals to be sex. What you've described sounds like Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling. But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction and Sensual Attraction. There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone. There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty. There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone. And more. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Buttercream Flowers Cake, Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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