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Telling my spouse I'm asexual


Cayllin

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I've only started realizing that I'm asexual. I've never liked or wanted sex and I know last relationships have probably suffered because of it. I always thought relationship=sex and though I wanted the relationship part, I always engaged in sex because I was "supposed" to. 

 

Anyway, I've been married three years and we dated two. He doesn't know I'm asexual and have no desire for sex. He has never brought up our lack of sex (once every two weeks or so). I'm terrible at communicating and I'm afraid of his reaction. Is it selfish of me to write him a letter explaining everything the best I can and offer to answer any questions he has or do I absolutely need to sit down and talk to him? I'm afraid by talking first I won't be able to say what I need to say and it might make the situation worse. I know I can't stay married and not tell him. If I want the marriage to work he needs to know. 

 

I'm so scared of telling him. I'm a wreck. I don't want him to hate me and I'm afraid he will. If anyone can offer some advice that would be helpful. I can't keep going on like this. I don't know how to talk to him about this. 

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everywhere and nowhere

By why "should" he hate you? After all, you haven't done anything wrong, you are as you are and it's not your fault. You haven't consciously lied to him, you just have fallen victim of epistemic injustice: being unable to find resources which would help you understand your experience because of this being a minority experience. You believed that you are "supposed" to have sex because, in this culture, we are not told that not having sex is a valid choice which people should be free to make if they prefer it.

If you have anything to be afraid of, than my pessimistic feelings about heterosexuality (which are often deemed too radical by heterosexuals and heteroromantic aces) are right: different-sex relationships are still, more often than not, based on power imbalance...

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Maybe you can show him an article about asexuality and talk about how much you can identify with it?  I think he might not take it so personal and you wouldn't be avoiding talking to him in person about it. It might be a good medium to explain yourself without it appearing like a "dear John" letter.

Then again, there is no ideal way to break such revelations to your SO, just an idea.

And this:

1 hour ago, Cayllin said:

I always engaged in sex because I was "supposed" to. 

I can totally relate to.

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A letter is a fine idea. It enables you to state your thoughts and worries clearly without tripping over your words or being interrupted. Any communication is better than no communication. 

 

If he's a good man, he won't hate you. He may be confused or worried and possibly a little hurt or disappointed, but those are all things the two of you can deal with together. 

 

I would advise you to be careful when you speak of a lack of sexual attraction. In my ace/allo relationship, I make sure to emphasize that even though I don't desire him in exactly the same way he desires me, I enjoy our sexual encounters for the connection, the pleasure it brings him, etc. If you go into it saying "I don't like sex, I've never liked sex, I've been bored this whole time," etc., it's going to be very painful for him. (Even if it's true. Don't lie, but soften those harsh truths.)

 

I would also like to speak briefly about the importance of sex to allosexual people. To us, it seems inconsequential. We just don't get WHY it's such a big deal. For asexual people, it is not the catalyst for emotional connection and growth. So when you are on these forums, you're going to get a lot of feedback about why sex isn't really that important in a relationship, why your allosexual partner should be understanding that you don't want to have sex, etc. These are... optimistic views, to say the least. 

 

More than likely, in a loving relationship, the allosexual person is not merely having sex to get their rocks off. They use it to help maintain a strong bond to you, and the intimacy from it is very important. 

 

This is my round-about way of saying that the pair of you will probably have to compromise, in the end, if this relationship is to survive. More sex than you would like, less than he would like. Because an allosexual person will struggle greatly to go without sex for the rest of their life, even though it seems ridiculous to us. 

 

I just wanted to sort of jump in here to forewarn you of these potential problems, so that you are prepared to deal with them how you see fit. I really wish you the best. Relationships with sexual incompatibility can work, but they take a lot more effort. 

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