feelings of guilt

[Nima]

Discovering asexuality, that it was a thing and I'm really not an alien or as alone as I thought was a major relief to me and for some reason I thought it was a good idea to share this with my husband of over 20 years. Thing is, he didn't really take it so well. He actually told me recently (this has now been part of our relationship for more than a year - the term that is, I have always been this way) that it would have been easier for him to deal with if I came out as gay and that he can't help but feel rejected. For years I compromised for him, for our marriage, and for years he tried to find something else, or in addition, that would excite me or get me to initiate. I more and more started dreading showing "innocent" affection like rubbing his feet and playing with his hair (not in that order) because it would always lead to the next obvious thing, which I really wasn't interested in, but I got issues with saying no, especially to the people I really care about. But now, as the big "A-word" stands in the room, he's not okay with compromise anymore. and he told me when we do get intimate, it gives him the wrong picture, and he doesn't want to pretend.

So now I'm plagued with these feelings of guilt. Even though I know that honesty is one of the most important parts in a relationship, telling him hurt him a lot. And he's being so damn understanding as well, but our marriage has suffered extremely from my revelation. 
So I don't even know what I expect from this topic, maybe I should have posted it in "tea and sympathy" instead. But I'm going though a really rough time right now, we're in agreement, that we should each continue our separate ways to be happier and not walk on eggshells around each other. But the prospect of this doesn't make me happier now. And since we're not trying to commit financial suicide, we're saving up some money for the next move as well as looking for the best opportunities in terms of relocation and everything. We have kids to consider as well.

OK, I guess any type of break-up is tough, no matter the circumstances, but I can't shake the feeling that this is all my fault, and he really didn't deserve any of this. And this just makes things worse. 

I guess if I would have kept my mouth shut, things would still be the way they were before. Not optimal, but altogether with less hurt feelings.

[Nevyn]

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, but this is not your fault. People have this preconception that as we get older we stop growing as people and this just isn't true. You figured out some things about yourself that you've more than likely been struggling with your whole life and it's changed things. That's all that's happened. I honestly see this as more of your husbands issue. It's fairly obvious that this has left him feeling inadequate and he is struggling to redefine your relationship and his place in it. Have you both considered counseling?

[anisotrophic]

@Nima I'm sorry it's rough. I think it's normal for this to be a devastating revelation. I don't think your husband is wrong to feel rejected, it's hard to avoid this (my husband and I work on finding other ways for me to feel "wanted" and such, in nonsexual ways). We've been together ~15 years, have kids, and the revelation of asexuality came early last year.

 

I think it ultimately strengthened our marriage. I had to get a lot of therapy to adapt. If your husband isn't, I really think he should. I didn't want to break up, I got all that therapy because I was determined to adapt.

 

But I do think our marriage is different. Just as people grow and change, so does the marriage?

 

I'm not sure whether I should continue to have sex with him (I have a post on the "sexual partners" section about exploring this). I'm in theory allowed to date others, but don't have time for it; he says he'd like me to have that someday, and I'll probably need him being supportive if I ever do try that someday -- I think the idea and kindness there are enough for me right now.

 

My partner got a bit of therapy too, the first in his life -- I wanted to know that he was handling his end ok (eg how distressing it is to be in your shoes, @Nima, hearing me say I felt rejected). I think men feel more avoidant of therapy? But really, as the sexual partner I needed a lot more, and if your husband isn't getting it, I do think he should.

[Nima]

He's not the counseling kinda guy.  And I feel he deserves someone who can give him the kind of attention that's foreign to me. We've been re-assessing this relationship for years now. At this point, Im still hoping that it will help maintain our fiendship in the long run. Im just sad about it and wish I would have considered the impact on him before my "coming-out"

[anisotrophic]

If it seems like parting ways is best, maybe it is -- even then, personally it's the sort of thing I'd want to get a therapist to help guide us, if only because a marriage and its dissolution is such a large investment... My thinking is that one should want expert advice on it, just as one would for major health issues or financial decisions.

 

24 minutes ago, Nima said:

And I feel he deserves someone who can give him the kind of attention that's foreign to me.

My partner wants that for me, but I think we expect/hope it can happen within the marriage, via open/poly.

 

24 minutes ago, Nima said:

wish I would have considered the impact on him before my "coming-out"

I'm the one that brought the topic of asexuality to my partner. My initial thought was relief at the revelation; I had very little awareness of how it was going to affect me.

 

So, in case this helps: if I didn't have that self-awareness, as the sexual partner, I think it's reasonable that you didn't foresee the impact either.

[Nima]

7 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

My thinking is that one should want expert advice on it, just as one would for major health issues or financial decisions.

maybe it's the lack of trust in valuable expert advice in general.  Often, they have their own agendas and we've both experienced  sad expert advice...

I'm not trying to get into sad stories we've been through right here either.  Let's just say that this is another major setback and I want the best for him. 

We're talking a lot and still love each other, though his love is a lot more eros and mine more philia, no less though. 

Thanks for the pep talk, guys. Talking/writing about my feelings does help. 

 

[Homer]

11 hours ago, Nima said:

I guess if I would have kept my mouth shut, things would still be the way they were before. Not optimal, but altogether with less hurt feelings.

I wouldn't bet on that. Chances are that all you accomplish by "keeping your mouth shut" is just a bigger blowup further down the road. The longer these things go on, the more they hurt in the end.

[Nima]

you're probably right. 

we had a nice talk this morning, and he said, he is glad that I figured it out and told him and that we might be reaching the next chapter towards self-actualisation. He also mused how improbable it is for us to have made it work for 25 years and that he wouldn't change a thing.  which is pretty amazing, considering some of the crap we had to go through. like the Shawshank Redemption intensity of crap . 

He also gets how I feel guilty,  but accepts -probably more than myself- that I can't change who or what I am and always knew that I was different than anyone he had met before.

He reduced my feeling of guilt by half, or maybe doubled the "fault" by admitting that he was maintaining a role for me as well (I know how much he suppressed his hyper-sexuality for years) and that it takes two to tango. I just don't know how to tango, it's not my kind of thing. maybe that's half of it.

yes honesty is a bitch. smacks you in the face and doesn't care if it hurts. 

However, even though I'm losing my husband in the process, it looks like I'll get to keep my best friend after all. Thats worth a lot.