Very confused

[Female-sex and gender]

Sort of  a long post sorry but I need to write it all down ... I  have never written on any online thing before but I really feel like it’s the best place to I guess  anonymously get some questions answered. This is so weird for me *insert embarrassed sweaty emoji here*

I am female and I am 20. Just recently I have really guestioned my sexuality. I think I have always known there was something different about me than the minority (heterosexual females). But I guess I ignored it as I didn’t see the need to. But I am at the point now where I have started to get scared about my future and realise I’m lost and I want to try to listen to what my body is telling me. I do remember in high school I had what I thought was a crush on a guy(s).. thinking back now it was never sexual (well I never thought about that) but it was embarrassing and it was more wanting to get noticed by them...but I am not sure it had much to do with how they looked.  

My dilemma at the moment is trying to understand myself. I guess I was late to the whole feelings thing and as a kid I never had any relationships or anything really... not even guy friends (apart from when I was really young) I wouldn’t know the first thing about how to talk to them and I was so shy I don’t know why 😭. I had and still have a few female friends. But now that I am questioning my sexuality it’s so hard to not rethink and question every relationship you have had/have. A few years ago when I heard the first stories or info about bisexual etc I thought.. maybe I’ll just sit with being “asexual” as it’s easier to tell myself... but since then I began to recognise feelings I had discovered.. like I felt some what sexually aroused when I did my own makeup or hair or dressed in “sexy clothes” just by myself I guess... and then I thought maybe I am just attracted to myself... but I don’t want to be alone... ans then it developed and I discovered masturbation... but when I did it I wasn’t really thinking about anyone... sort of just the moment.. 

I wondered why I feel sexually attracted/turned on ? when I  see females on social media and then discovered that that’s what heterosexual females feel towards images of men and strippers etc (which I haven’t really ever felt) ..

So obviously I was like... does that mean I am “gay”... but I can’t label myself as that cos that doesn’t explain other things that I feel... 

including: I loved certain guy actors in movies etc... wanted the people to fall in love with the guys... when I had time to read I used to love romance novels etc. 

I have never really liked the lesbian characters in tv shows etc so then I was thinking maybe I was bisexual... but then I think about femninine energy in my head it doesn’t resonate to what my brain feels happy about being with if that makes sense... like I want to end up with a man of some sorts like the “opposite energy” or something  but I have no idea because I have never had a boyfriend. Like there’s a guy I used to know in high school... and I used remember liking when I used to end up sitting next to him in assembly etc... and I follow him on social media and I have had this idea of wanting to have him as a boyfriend but the feel sick and flushed  because I feel like I’m supposed to feel a certain sexual attraction towards him... when looking at like his pictures and stuff... and then that I guess is what causes me to avoid guys. My younger cousin was taking to me about a crush she has on a guy. And I know I never had that when I was younger but it felt good to talk about it and I felt all happy and “girly” and I said I did have a crush (on the guy from high school).. and then I wasn’t concerned with my future for a moment. I also couldn’t sleep cos I was stalking his profile... also jisybreally recently i decided to get over the idea that porn was bad as I’m not a kid anymore so i started watching it. I hadn’t ever really seen a penis before. And at first it was strange cos like I’m used to seeing like “holes” but instead there’s like a penus and external skin...... I realised that it did sort of turn me on and then I looked at lesbian porn but the idea of it scares me... I watched gay guy porn and that’s when I noticed that I found guys sexy and penis enticing and i actually (sorry for tmi) was able to master bate to it and again , afterward for a while all was right with the world... so that just added to my confusing. So I decided to write it here in hopes someone has had a similar  encounter (I hope) 

thank you for reading! Xx

 

[Red99]

Hello! While I can’t entirely relate to your situation, I would like to encourage you to read about other sexualities that fall under asexual because asexual after all is just an umbrella term. I would recommend maybe reading up on cupiosexual / lithromanric that’s what I feel your story sounds like but I also can’t ‘diagnose you’ with a sexuality but definitely do some research and find out what resonates with you!

[chaotic lemon]

12 hours ago, Female-sex and gender said:

I do remember in high school I had what I thought was a crush on a guy(s).. thinking back now it was never sexual (well I never thought about that) but it was embarrassing and it was more wanting to get noticed by them...but I am not sure it had much to do with how they looked.  

Hi OP! I actually came across your post while searching around the forums for answers/discussions about something similar too! Thanks for posting, and to second with Red99, I hope you do check out more ACE resources on sexual and romantic spectrums to help you out. I absolutely relate to this one particular section in your post forREAL and totally feel you for some other points in your post too. 🙇‍♀️ I'm 21 y/o gray-ace hetereo female who has recently looking for insight to her romantic-attractions/identity(?) after years of beating herself up with "wtf am I?" A lot of these forum posts and some YouTube videos have been incredibly helpful for me to come to terms with my asexuality, but of course, there is more to this chaos and complexity and here I am again on these forums! LOL

Though I am aware for myself that this part of me stems from some mash of social anxieties and confidence issues, I still have sporatic patterns of:

1. Comfortable "dry spells" of no "crushes"/squishes, to having super intense nonsexual-"crushes"/squishes (on usually people I don't really know well), to killing these "crushes"/squishes (or losing interest abruptly after some time) because I'm not "feeling it" anymore 
2. Feeling also embarrassingly self-conscious for not being noticed by my then-"crushes"/squishes + feeling inadequate when I am not being "noticed" by the opposite sex
3. Contradictory to #2, feeling simultaneously flattered and disgusted at people I don't romantically associate with "confessing" to me - note: no idea what I even consider "romantically associate with, I just say that because it hasn't (or will not?) happen?idk)

These patterns and tendencies really frustrate and confuse me because I do not understand what I want or what I am doing. I know this is all a process but it doesn't make it less easier sigh.

As for masterbation and experimentation, I also questioned my sexuality. I knew I had bi- tendencies, but for the most part, I knew I was hetero. Certain things did/do "stimulate me", but nothing that gets me hot and heavy, just feeling a type of way. Though rather porn and fiction, it was usually the A+ well-written scenes that had build-up and resolve, rather than just a simple video though. Anyways, while I was a few years younger I would ride those lady boners and try some things to myself but it was ehh. My body reacted, but it wasn't really satisfying. I usually lay there after like "um...ok?" For me, I lean more to gray-asexuality because my "lady boners" and lack of urges to engage in sexually-related acts are like nothing.

ANYWaYSs wow this was a long reply! Phew! Sending encouragement and good vibes your way on your own journey of understanding your own sexual/romantic identities! I hope your fear and confusion will ease with more informations and reassurance on this journey too :") Whether from my reply/others'/more posts on the forums/other resources! 

Cheers!

- J

[Female-sex and gender]

Thank you @Red99! I have definitely been looking into it a lot more! I’ll have a look at those terms!

Yes, @chaotic lemon that makes sense. No, I love long answers, they make more sense... this one will probably be another 😂. Love the term “lady boners” ahaha 

That describes my school experience 🙌🏻👌🏻 Perfectly! Holy! It’s so funny when you find other people In similar situations. It’s like your body tells you one thing and you think it automatically means something so you try accept it but then can’t cos there’s these other feelings.. but also for me it’s hard to I guess relate to other things... but I have 100% found pleasure and  enjoyment in ‘masturbation’ as you said (obviously by myself) but when I feel sexually attracted to same sex I feel as though I wouldn’t ‘engage’.... like yes I could end up being friends cos you know , being a girl you gotta have friends ahahaha, and I could even really love their companion ship but while this is true I don’t think I could act on my sexual feelings but even so I don’t think that’s what I want (I hope this makes sense). I found a term where you feel like sexual attraction (it could be really strong even if you aren’t thinking about it) but once you act on it, you realise you don’t want it/ it goes away) I had a look just last night (wow so recently) and while I could make the hugest longest name for my sexuality once I wrote the ‘huge long name’ down on paper something cool happened.. it’s like I’m more confidence and that was only yesterday. Admittedly I did actually talk to an online  counsellor about it (for me I accept things more when I tell others) and had a look at the website https://rainbowpedia.wikia.org/wiki/Home

for me a feel like (towards the opposite sex) I am heteroromantic which (for me) is a way to express that just because I don’t feel the same sexual attraction, that other female heterosexuals feel towards men, it doesn’t  mean that  I don’t get nervous around them (I get nervous around everyone) and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want the companionship from the opposite sex... like they can be cute and caring and can smell good... like this makes me smile so I know I am not “homosexual”. Oh and I just realised when I heard a couple talking about the husband having a high sex drive and could have sex everyday it made me sick and scared... I I thought that I can’t be into guys then if i fee this way... little did I know theres so much more to it.. and yeah I guess I might be open to sexual relations but I can’t answer that persay as I don’t have experience.. definitely I’d have to me in the full emotions of romance etc and trust the guy first. All my ‘fantasies’ with like male actors etc was more (now I think about it) romantic... and feelings of giddiness etc.. and I just learnt that romantic feelings can be just as strong as sexual feelings (but the lady region feelings don’t need to be there/as strong) and I think that’s why it has/still is hard to accept. 

But I feel like this is getting to the core of my feelings as it doesn’t make me feel sick or flushed randomly 🙌🏻 I hope this might help a bit. If not, know you’re not alone... ahaha also there’s that whole thing about feeling sick about going on a dating app and ... !!!!!!!!!!!!who the hell do I even date? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited April 24, 2019 by Female-sex and gender

[NickyTannock]

A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Snow White and Rose Red Cake,