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Dgw511

Partner Of An Ace Needs Advice

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Dgw511

So me (F22, Sexual) and my girlfriend (F25, asexual) have been dating for almost 6 months. She has been open with her asexuality from the beginning and I have no issue with it. We are both virgins (although I do have a bit of sexual experience while she has none), and recently I've been wanting more. We are both VERY open with each other and communicate all the time about intimacy and where we stand/what we want, so that's not an issue. As an example, we have talked about my sexual fantasys and even joke around by saying things like "If you're bored we can park the car and act like cliche teenagers by having sex in the backseat" or "Man this birth control will really help with all our hetero sex"

 

Despite dating for half a year, we haven't done more than simple kisses and cuddling. I am a VERY affectionate person (she is well aware of this), and I've been wanting more recently. I'm often tell her that while I'm ready for sex, I have no issue with waiting because her comfort comes before my desires. Whenever I bring up my desires and what I would like though, she tends to feel guilty about being asexual because she can't give me everything I desire and I NEVER want her to feel like that.

 

However, I do want to start acting like a 'cliche teenager' and do things like make out with her and start touching her more than I do. However, I don't want to make her feel bad or guilty about not meeting my needs or uncomfortable about doing more intimate acts.

 

Do any of you have advice for me?

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uhtred

Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship.  I think you need to consider carefully what level of sexual interaction with your partner would let you be happy.  Then, you are lucky that you are able to discuss sex with her,  find out what her comfort level is with that.   

 

You need to keep realistic expectations. If she is asexual she will never desire you that way - though she may ( or may not) be happy to engage in some sexual activities with you because she enjoys making you happy.

 

Its all about compatibility. No right or wrong about what level of sex *should* be appropriate - what matters is whether there is a sex life that makes you both happy - even if it isn't perfect for either. 

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MissMidnight

Even though you've got alot of communication you need more. Im the Ace in my relationship and we had to pretty much sit down and full on discuss what my needs are and what his needs are and find a way we were both happy and could go on. Mine was i get some of things I want and like alot which arent sexual and his needs we also touched on and how and we came up with a plan or stratergy that works for him and that im comfortable with. We also had hard lines and no on what would not be done and we stuck to it. It wasnt easy but it worked for us. 

 

You two might need to sit down and work out something similar. What do you need? What does she need? Is there a middle ground? Are you both comfortable with the middle ground? Tailor it to you both. Hell you could change it in time if it no longer works or you want to tweek it the man thing is the only way you two are going to find whats good for both of you is a serious talk about it. 

 

Hopefully this helps and i didnt just rant on lol

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Lara Black

Hello,  @Dgw511

Communication is very important, but it doesn’t solve the problem itself. The main question is whether or not you are at all sexually compatible with your girlfriend. If you are, talking about it might help find some middle-ground solution. If you are totally incompatible (like she doesn’t want any sexual activity whatsoever), there isn’t much talking can achieve.

Talking and waiting won’t make her “ripen” into a sexual person. So, I agree with the comments above, you need to sit down with your partner and have a frank discussion about how compatible you really are.

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greyisnotacolor

To go off of what has been said:

 

Communication really is key in an allo/ace relationship, and even more so than in a strictly allo relationship. The differences that neither of you can fully ever understand are something that not only requires a lot of discussion about meeting in the middle, but also solutions that will help to alleviate some of the stress of the relationship so that both of you are happy with one another.

 

A solution I've seen work for others is to talk to your ace partner about polyamory. You need sex. She doesn't. If she isn't willing to get there in order to fulfill your sexual needs for whatever her reasons may be, would she be open to allowing you to seek this need elsewhere, from someone else? The discussion needs to go far enough so that both parties understand that this is strictly sexual, and has nothing to do about how you feel about your girlfriend romantically; this should be a driving factor in a discussion like this because involving more people can be a tricky topic for some.

 

Just a suggestion I thought I would add that has worked in my ace community. :)

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Pattijo

I have recently become involved in a relationship with an ACE.   I am very sexual.  I took a lot personally that she wasn’t attracted to me sexually.  But lately I’ve done research and found that, even though that is the truth, she is attracted to me in so many other ways. This is all new to me but I am truly in love with her so we will make this work.  

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MrDane
On 4/24/2019 at 3:24 AM, MissMidnight said:

Even though you've got alot of communication you need more. Im the Ace in my relationship and we had to pretty much sit down and full on discuss what my needs are and what his needs are and find a way we were both happy and could go on. Mine was i get some of things I want and like alot which arent sexual and his needs we also touched on and how and we came up with a plan or stratergy that works for him and that im comfortable with. We also had hard lines and no on what would not be done and we stuck to it. It wasnt easy but it worked for us. 

 

You two might need to sit down and work out something similar. What do you need? What does she need? Is there a middle ground? Are you both comfortable with the middle ground? Tailor it to you both. Hell you could change it in time if it no longer works or you want to tweek it the man thing is the only way you two are going to find whats good for both of you is a serious talk about it. 

 

Hopefully this helps and i didnt just rant on lol

Could you elaborate? What kind of ‘things which you want’ compared to what he wants? Are we dealing with a quid pro quo, give some/get some? This works well in many relationships and is called a compromise, but usually it isnt about sex. More like, If you cook, then I will clean. I hate cooking and you like it. I hate cleaning, but you like a clean house and hates to cook even more.

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MissMidnight

Sorry havent been around to answer sooner. So he wants sex and im neutral about it. So basically foreplay is sensual stuff i get cuddles, kisses, massages and tickles to im completely relaxed and content and then he gets what he wants. Its also like a every 4 to 6 week thing so its not often.

We do have compromises as well and hard no things etc. 

We do have the one cooks then that other cleans and one dusts one vacuums. 

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