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ace, bi or lesbian??


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hi everyone i've read a lot of posts here but nothing really answers my questions.

how do i know if i am ace, bi/pan or a lesbian? 

i have been in a super long term relationship (+ 15years) with the same man. it is the only partner i have ever had. it took me several years but i have finally come to term with my romantic attraction to girls. i identify as queer, which is a label that feels comfortable for now. i don't know if i would want to have sex with a woman though. sometimes i think i might try to see if it's less mentally taxing than what i have experienced so far. i do find women and gnc persons in general prettier than just "plain dudes".

 i am no longer interested in sex with my partner. is it because we are not compatible after all? because he is a man? because we are old and tired? i have read stuff about compulsory heteronormativity which could explain my current situation, ie just finding out now that i am actually a lesbian. does it mean my whole life is built on a lie?? i don't know what to do. i have 0 support system irl and no one to talk to about this. i have been ruminating over this for months and years even and i still do not know who i am really.

Edited by Coxinel
typo
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AllTimeBubble

From what it sounds like you could either be heterosexual and pan romantic or you could be asexual pan romantic if you do not feel sexual attraction but I cant tell you who you are. It's not mine to say, maybe try out a few labels and see what fits, if not, you might not even need a label, you do you 😁😁

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You say you're no longer interested in sex with your partner. Were you previously interested in sex with him, out of an actual attraction/desire rather than just because that's what's expected of you? And are you still romantically attracted to him?

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6 minutes ago, PrismaticDream said:

You say you're no longer interested in sex with your partner. Were you previously interested in sex with him, out of an actual attraction/desire rather than just because that's what's expected of you? And are you still romantically attracted to him?

that's part of my current confusion. i simulated, pretended to be into it because i had read that it could help when one had a low libido. now i realize that it was bullsh*t advice. i pretended for so long that i am not sure anymore. i felt i had to, that otherwise it meant i was not in love. y i k e s

as for the romantic attraction, i am super confused about that too. sometimes i think we are ok and sometimes i think we should break up.but after so long together, it is really a scary prospect.

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I think only you can know your thoughts.  If you feel attracted to other people, but not your partner then, as is possible, you may have just lost interest in your partner, It happens - and may be beyond your control.  (or maybe your partner changed in some way). 

 

I'd simplify it though: for whatever reason you are no longer sexually interested in your partner.  If there is nothing they can do to change that, then you have to see if there is any way they can remain happy in a relationship with you, or otherwise separate.   

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If you aren't sexually attracted to either women or men, you might be a biromantic asexual or homoromantic asexual. It's okay to try sex with women if you want to, but don't pressure yourself if you're not comfortable with it.

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1 hour ago, Coxinel said:

does it mean my whole life is built on a lie??

That sounds as if you're being unnecessarily hard on yourself. Like you said, compulsory heterosexuality / heteronormativity is to blame; it's no good to beat yourself up over it.

 

You know, I usually advise people to "wait and see how things develop", but I also know that it can be frustrating not knowing what types of attraction you experience and how to label yourself. Since I've been on AVEN I realised that one's romantic and sexual orientation can change over the course of time, that they're not static - and that's something I came to accept.

I hope that you'll gradually find the answers to your questions, now that you've joined AVEN 🙂

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Anthracite_Impreza

I don't think it's fair to carry on with this if you aren't feeling it. You know you're not happy as you are, so break up, let him find someone else, then figure stuff out at your own pace.

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*hugs*

 

I think the important question is, do you want to continue building a life with your male partner?

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NickyTannock

@Coxinel Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Biromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.
 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Rainbow Zebra Cheescake,

5057fca3-rainbow_zebra_cheesecake_p_stil

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