Married Lesbian? Possibly Asexual? Is that a thing

[WanderingDreamer11]

Okay. I’m 29, married, and I have identified as lesbian for 7 years now. That title still doesn’t to this day seem to fit me 100%. I have been looking into “asexuality” and it seems to be something I might be, but I don’t know if I could classify myself as one. I was with a guy my first relationship at 19, and I did truly love him. It was long distance so no sexual things happened, and then after that relationship ended after 2 years, I met my wife that next year (no other relationships between then). While I was with the guy, I was questioning all during the relationship and he helped me to at least come out as Bisexual, but again, after that relationship, I never found any other guy that I had any attraction to. I always gravitated towards liking women, even though I never had any “crushes” like other girls while growing up. In middle and high school

while everyone else was worried about dating and all that, I never felt the need to be in one. I wouldn’t say I was happy being single, but I never felt like there was anyone I was truly attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship. 

 

To wrap all that probably too much information, I have been married to my wife for 2 years this November. It’s been about 2 and a half years since our last sexual encounter. That’s where the dilimma comes in, on if I could classify myself as asexual. She is the only person I have been intimate with, she’s the only one I ever really cared to be so with. In the beginning I consented to encounters but I never really felt 100% like I wanted to do it. Every encounter we’ve had (we’ve been together 7 years as well in November), it’s been super rare that I am able to have an orgasm. I seem to have absolutely no problem when it’s just me, myself, and I. It’s like, I’m almost replused with having sex, and I can’t get “out of my head” to even enjoy what’s going on. My wife attributes our lack as me having a low sex drive, but I honestly don’t feel that that is 100% what’s going on. I have no problem watching porn or being turned on by stuff, or even imagining things happening, but I just feel turned off thinking about engaging in sexual things. I have felt for years (honestly since puberty and “sex” started being talked about among peers and such) that if I never had sex, I would be 100% happy. I have never felt that I needed to have sex to feel connected to anyone. 

 

Anyone else feel this way? Is it literally just all in my head and I just have a low sex drive, or could it be that I am truly an asexual individual. 

[Rynn]

It is against the Terms of Service to tell people what they are, but from my understanding, people with a low libido still desire to have sex with their partners, which you indicated that you never really did, and they might even consider their lack of libido to be a problem, while you on the other hand say 'you'd be 100% happy to never have sex again.'

Personally, I don't think someone who wasn't asexual would be likely to say that. The real question is if you've ever desired to have partnered sex, or if you've ever felt sexually attracted to anyone?

 

Aces can still watch porn and masturbate, and that doesn't mean they aren't asexual by the way. Some aces identify as autochorissexual on top of asexual, meaning they fantasize about other people having sex to get turned on, but don't want to imagine themselves engaging in sexual acts.

[TheAP]

I agree with Laurann, a lack of desire to have sex with other people suggests that asexuality fits you. And you can be both asexual and a lesbian, if you are romantically attracted to women but not sexually attracted to anyone.