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Potentially conflicting definitions of asexuality


everywhere and nowhere

Are you asexual according to the two most common definitions of asexuality (see below)?  

132 members have voted

  1. 1. Depending on how you personally interpret these definitions, do you meet both, one or neither of them?

    • I am asexual according to BOTH definitions (I experience neither sexual attraction nor desire).
      100
    • I am asexual according to the FIRST definition, but NOT the SECOND (I desire sex, but don't experience sexual attraction).
      17
    • I am asexual according to the SECOND definition, but NOT the FIRST (I experience sexual attraction, but don't want to have sex).
      13
    • I am NOT asexual according to EITHER definition (I experience sexual attraction and desire for partnered sex).
      2

This poll is closed to new votes


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everywhere and nowhere

There are two most commonly used definitions of asexuality:

 

The first definition is the official AVEN definition of asexuality:

"An asexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction."

 

The second definition is the most popular of a few alternative definitions of asexuality (with a few different wordings which are mostly equivalent):

"An asexual person is someone who doesn't want to have sex / doesn't feel desire for partnered sexual contact."

 

Each of the definitions has its advantages and disadvantages. For example, the official AVEN definition is confusing to many people ("How am I supposed to know whether I experience sexual attraction, if I don't know what it is?"), which is the driving force of the search for possible alternative definitions. On the other hand, the second definition may be too vague. A less acknowledged phenomenon is that these definitions sometimes come into conflict, with a person realising that they can consider themself asexual under one definition, but not under the other.

It would probably be accurate to say that a large proportion of users considers this contradiction to be only apparent (@MichaelTannock saying that "if it doesn't lead to desiring sex, it is not sexual attraction"). Others say, in a more nuanced way, that the contradiction disappears once we accept that definitions of asexuality use these terms in a somewhat narrower meaning (@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) writing that the understanding of sexual attraction "which matters with regard to determining sexual orientation" is an attraction which leads to desiring sex with a specific person). Still, the fact remains that there are people who come to the conclusion that they are asexual under one definition, but not under the other.

I admit that I'm one of them. I never desire sex with anyone - in fact, I'm so sex-averse that I feel unable to want to have sex. However, despite this I do experience something which I personally would still describe as sexual attraction. And, regardless of my own feelings: we should acknowledge people's feelings, should acknowledge that they are obviously more real than virtual categories such as definitions. Because of this, I wanted to encourage you to vote and discuss without feeling ashamed of possibly "being an imperfect ace" or "spoiling the cohesion of our community". Of course, feel free to discuss how you understand "asexuality", "sexual attraction", "sexual desire", "wanting to have sex", "conflict", "apparent conflict"... But don't be afraid of admitting that you interpret a term or definition in a less common way.

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NickyTannock

I've voted for "I am asexual according to BOTH definitions (I experience neither sexual attraction nor desire)."

 

Since you've quoted me, I don't need to explain why. I'm also not going to argue since I understand that not everyone agrees with me.

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Horse Ham Radio
30 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

The second definition is the most popular of a few alternative definitions of asexuality (with a few different wordings which are mostly equivalent):

"An asexual person is someone who doesn't want to have sex / doesn't feel desire for partnered sexual contact."

This second definition looks to be two definitions.

 

"Doesn't want to have sex" could be considered to capture people who are, as an example, celibate through choice. Example: "I don't want to have sex because my religion forbids it under these conditions". If it was about desiring sex, then that would narrow its definition. The second part is about desire explicitly.

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everywhere and nowhere
3 minutes ago, nameinagame said:

This second definition looks to be two definitions.

 

"Doesn't want to have sex" could be considered to capture people who are, as an example, celibate through choice. Example: "I don't want to have sex because my religion forbids it under these conditions". If it was about desiring sex, then that would narrow its definition. The second part is about desire explicitly.

In fact, I agree. I provided the more detailed wording to give a sense of what is typically meant by this definition. But, on the other hand, "I don't want to have sex!!" is my most immediate, most instinctive gut feeling about sex vis-a-vis myself...

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Captain_Tass

Mildly sex-averse, sort of autochorissexual gray ace here. The second definition fits me well, because on the rare occasions I happen to experience arousal (I don't know if I can even call it sexual attraction because I'm not sexually attracted to anyone in particular, and if any of the hypothetical situations that caused that arousal were to happen in real life, I'd most likely bolt it, hence the autochorissexual aspect), I have no desire to act on it.

 

1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But, on the other hand, "I don't want to have sex!!" is my most immediate, most instinctive gut feeling about sex vis-a-vis myself...

This.

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AmorphousBlob
3 minutes ago, Life Of Tass said:

Mildly sex-averse, sort of autochorissexual gray ace here. The second definition fits me well, because on the rare occasions I happen to experience arousal (I don't know if I can even call it sexual attraction because I'm not sexually attracted to anyone in particular, and if any of the hypothetical situations that caused that arousal were to happen in real life, I'd most likely bolt it, hence the autochorissexual aspect), I have no desire to act on it.

Yep. That's pretty much me in a nutshell.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Both, massively in favour of the "no desire" definition. The other is too wishy washy and IMO it makes no sense to claim to be asexual if you're out looking for sex.

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I voted for the "feels sexual attraction but no desire for sex" definition.

 

I don't have (and have never had) any desire for partnered sex - or for any sexual activity period. I have experienced what I consider sexual attraction on a couple of occasions; however, it's possible that it was really just romantic attraction. At the very least, I have never been in a situation where I felt sexual attraction and had an IRL opportunity to have partnered sex. Any sexual attraction I felt existed entirely in my head, and I don't know what would happen if I had an opportunity to act on it.

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I voted for both.

 

I hadn't realised a different usage to the first one with the first one until I had seen it used as , to paraphrase, "i am asexual as I don't feel sexual attraction so I'll have sex with any one"

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Member131995

I voted for both. I most definitely don't experience sexual attraction and also don't desire sex at all. If I never have sex with my partner or sex again in general (spoiler for mention of TW)

Spoiler

outside of being molested

I won't be heartbroken.

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I voted for the feels attraction but no interest/desire, because that's about the closest I can come to describing how I feel. Pretty certain I have some level of primary hetero-sexual attraction that developed in my teens (I guess like a normal sexual person), but no interest in sex or pursuing relationships - have only ever tried the latter to try and fit in with what everyone else seems to do.

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I’m eagerly reading, in hopes of finding clarity, but I didn’t vote because I Just Don’t Know.

 

I grew up way before asexuality was a thing.  I was a weird, unattractive, unpopular, bullied child who discovered in high school that - as the guys hit puberty - the importance of being aesthetically attractive had suddenly given way to the importance of being sexually available.  I.e., if they could score in some way your looks - while not a non-issue - were suddenly a whole lot less important.

 

At the time I would doubtless have told you I desired sex.

 

In retrospect I desired being liked and valued and having some purpose beyond holding up the feet of everyone above me in the teenaged/young adult food chain.

 

I have a type and definitely find people of that type much more physically appealing than I do others... but I’m not sure it’s sexual attraction.  When I’ve pushed for more detail on what experiencing sexual attraction feels like, I normally get some flavor of “if you have to ask, you don’t experience it.”

 

So maybe neither?  I dunno.

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Don't care for sex... No desire for partnered sex comes first to me. Then again, I'm confused by different types of attraction. Which comes with part with gender dysphoria too... I'm pretty sure, sexual attraction for me ain't there... 

 

 

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Forget the "attraction" business; it just leads you into a maze of confusion and argument, as does the "desire" business.

 

Asexuality = not wanting to have sex with any other person.   Period.  

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40 minutes ago, Sally said:

Forget the "attraction" business; it just leads you into a maze of confusion and argument, as does the "desire" business.

 

Asexuality = not wanting to have sex with any other person.   Period.  

I'm far less confused by the terms "attraction" and "desire" than I am with "wanting". I'm just speaking for myself; I appreciate some people think differently than me.

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I voted for both, and yet I'm still somewhat open to the possibility of relationships/sex despite no "desire" or "attraction". It's a queer tangle in my poor little brain.

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firewallflower
11 hours ago, Sally said:

Forget the "attraction" business; it just leads you into a maze of confusion and argument, as does the "desire" business.

 

Asexuality = not wanting to have sex with any other person.   Period.  

But at this point, the idea of "not wanting" leads to its own maze. "I don't want to have sex for religious reasons." "I don't want to have sex because I'm not in a relationship." "I don't want to have sex because it might lead to drama." "I don't want to have sex because I'm scared of STDs." Are all these people necessarily asexual?

 

Plenty of confusion and argument to go around to all the definitions... :P

 

As to the OP, I didn't actually vote simply because of how much I question everything, but as far as I know I don't experience sexual attraction, desire, nor want for sex.

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Re the "wanting" confusion. it depends on what you're not wanting.  Not wanting sex because you're religious doesn't have anything to do with the sex, it has to do with your  religious views about sex.   What I meant about not wanting to have sex was that you don't want the sex, period.  Not because of any other reason.   Thus "I don't want to have sex with anyone", without any qualifier -- i.e., "because xyz" -- means you simply don't want to have sex.  

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firewallflower
5 hours ago, Sally said:

Re the "wanting" confusion. it depends on what you're not wanting.  Not wanting sex because you're religious doesn't have anything to do with the sex, it has to do with your  religious views about sex.   What I meant about not wanting to have sex was that you don't want the sex, period.  Not because of any other reason.   Thus "I don't want to have sex with anyone", without any qualifier -- i.e., "because xyz" -- means you simply don't want to have sex.  

This makes plenty of sense to me, and I actually agree with this definition. Still, though, someone will always find the blurry area.

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16 hours ago, Sally said:

Re the "wanting" confusion. it depends on what you're not wanting.  Not wanting sex because you're religious doesn't have anything to do with the sex, it has to do with your  religious views about sex.   What I meant about not wanting to have sex was that you don't want the sex, period.  Not because of any other reason.   Thus "I don't want to have sex with anyone", without any qualifier -- i.e., "because xyz" -- means you simply don't want to have sex.  

How does "wanting" differ from "desire" with this definition?

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I meet both definitions. I first thought I met just the 2nd, but ultimately determined I don’t experience sexual attraction. I actually prefer the first definition.

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Ms. Carolynne

I chose both, but I'm not always sure about the first as it's quite ambiguous. In fact, the first definition is ambiguous enough to be interpreted as the second one.

 

I am however certain about the secondary definition, and it works out fine IMO. I don't desire sex whatsoever, and thus the label describes my sexual preferences succinctly, that is I don't want sex with anyone, nor do I experience any urge or desire to have sex with others.

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Both

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TheCatBehind

I said both.

 

The first one is true, easily enough.

 

The second one?... It's a little bit more complicated than just saying I don't want/desire sex/partnered sexual contact. Under the right circumstances, with the right person/people, sure! Why not, sounds fun for me. But otherwise I am not bothered when it comes to sex/sexual contact?

 

TL;DR: I'm indifferent towards sex, so I am not explicitly "not wanting/desiring sex [...]," but I also don't explicitly want or desire it either... That's basically why I'm not super into the second definition.

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2 minutes ago, TheCatBehind said:

I'm indifferent towards sex, so I am not explicitly "not wanting/desiring sex [...]," but I also don't explicitly want or desire it either...

That’s a good point.  There’s a difference between “no desire for partnered sex” and “a desire for no partnered sex.”  While the latter is assumedly inclusive of the former, the reverse is not true.

 

I’ve been reading the definition as the former - someone who is asexual has no desire for partnered sex.  Is that an incorrect interpretation?

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TheCatBehind
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That’s a good point.  There’s a difference between “no desire for partnered sex” and “a desire for no partnered sex.”  While the latter is assumedly inclusive of the former, the reverse is not true.

 

I’ve been reading the definition as the former - someone who is asexual has no desire for partnered sex.  Is that an incorrect interpretation?

I interpret the second definition more as "an asexual person desires no partnered sex," but it's the want/desire part I take greater issue with, so I can't really help you there.

 

I prefer the first definition in general.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I identify as both and I define asexuality as both but there are people who what to have sex but just don't find anyone appealing, I see that more as gray or demi ace

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HonoraryJedi

I am technically autochorissexual, which fits the second definition but not the first. The attraction definition always confused me a lot. Especially since the first things I saw when looking into asexuality was visibility for more sex-indifferent and positive aces "Remember asexuality only means lack of sexual attraction" "Remember that you can be asexual and still be ok with having sex." "Remember you can be asexual and still enjoy sex" <-- Not at all like my experience. I just... don't want to have sex. So I spent some time wondering if I could call myself ace at all, but I figure I can. Especially now since the second definition has started showing up.

 

But I do recognise that someone could fall into just the first category, still be asexual, and have an experience that is very far from my own. Me and the 'no attraction but enjoys sex' person are very different types of aces.

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5 minutes ago, HonoraryJedi said:

I am technically autochorissexual, which fits the second definition but not the first. The attraction definition always confused me a lot. Especially since the first things I saw when looking into asexuality was visibility for more sex-indifferent and positive aces "Remember asexuality only means lack of sexual attraction" "Remember that you can be asexual and still be ok with having sex." "Remember you can be asexual and still enjoy sex" <-- Not at all like my experience. I just... don't want to have sex. So I spent some time wondering if I could call myself ace at all, but I figure I can. Especially now since the second definition has started showing up.

 

But I do recognise that someone could fall into just the first category, still be asexual, and have an experience that is very far from my own. Me and the 'no attraction but enjoys sex' person are very different types of aces.

Same experience but in reverse here! I wasn’t sure I was ace as most of the first posts I read seemed very different from my experience (I’m indifferent/positive). I’m definitely down with the either/both approach, especially as I only felt I met one of the definitions to start with, but the more I learnt the more I realised I meet both.

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Lightning107

I am only the first one, and I feel like that's a better fit for the definition due to inclusion of all types of asexuals. There are sex indifferent and sex favorable aces, which seems to suggest that the second definition isn't fitting. The second definition seems to focus largely on sex repulsed aces, which will there seems to be a large number of them, it's not the entirety of the community. I recently came to the realization that in theory I would okay with having sex with some of my closest friends as long as it didn't mess with our platonic relationship. Now the likelihood of me actually acting upon that is slim to none and that doesn't bother me either. What I do know for certain is that it is not sexual attraction, but rather a certain comfort level to try something new. 

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