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How do you bring it up to a new date?


ibicella

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I couldn't decide if this was the right place or not, mods can move it as they wish, but I wanted to get a well rounded perspective. This has probably been brought up before and I'm having problems finding it, but for you asexuals who choose to date: When and how do you bring up your asexuality to a new potential love interest?

For you sexuals, same question. When would you want to be told about a date's asexuality and how?

On the first date? Third date? When he/she starts trying to seduce you, or until you get something "established" together? When is it appropriate to talk about?

I'd really like to have someone to share my life with, but I feel like I keep cutting my options in the dating pool down lower and lower. I only recently figured out that I'm asexual and I'm not happy about it. I'm grudgingly accepting it, but I'm not sure what to "do" with it regarding dating. I've got two people who are interested in me and now I think a co-worker has a crush me. I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

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I don't bother to date anymore, since most people just date to "get some."

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I don't bother to date anymore, since most people just date to "get some."

I feel the same way. The reason most people date is either to have sex or look for a marriage partner. One of which I'm not interested in, and the other I don't believe in. I wish I could just be content on my own, but I don't have any family at all. I feel like I'm walking wounded having nobody to go "home" to. My friends help tend the ache quite a lot, but I still want a companion I can fall in love with safely with and make a home with. I stand a good chance of never finding that, but if I don't at least try, I'm going to hate myself. Does that make sense?

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Let's see...

IMO, there are dates and dates. One kind of a date is a date with someone who you've seen around before and like, but haven't really gotten to know, and you're using the date as a way to get more familiar and comfortable with them, with the option of getting romantically and/or physically involved later. The other kind of date is a date with someone you're already friends with, where you've both already consciously decided to be romantically and/or physically involved, and are using the date as a way to help that along.

Actually, there's probably a whole continuum in between those two, and some stuff out at the sides. Oh, well.

Anyway, my point is, the number of dates doesn't matter to me. But here's some stuff that does:

- If your date starts talking or asking you about sexual preferences, what kind of stuff you like to do and how often, etc, you should definitely come out to them if you haven't already. Not doing so at that point would be a form of misleading your date.

- If your date starts trying to do physical stuff with a sexual element to it, this is also a warning sign that you need to come out to them soon, to prevent a misunderstanding.

There are probably some others but I can't think of them right now.

Coming out should be a long discussion. You shouldn't just say "By the way, I'm asexual" and leave it at that. For one thing, most sexuals still haven't heard of asexuality or met anyone who was openly asexual. For another thing, once it comes up, your date will certainly want to know how asexuality works for you in particular. You should know and be willing to discuss what forms of physical affection you like, what forms you're indifferent to but would compromise on, what forms you aren't sure about but would be willing to experiment with, and what forms you'd prefer to avoid. Know and be willing to explain what connection, if any, these things have with emotional and intellectual closeness for you. For example, if you enjoy kissing, do you like to kiss right away? Or do certain criteria have to be met before you feel comfortable kissing someone? Do you feel that something's missing in a romantic relationship without kissing every N amount of time, or is it merely a fun option that you can also live without? Et cetera, ad nauseam...

It all comes down to "know yourself and be willing to communicate about it" - which is darn good advice for sexuals, too.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Depending on the daters, there's going to be a varied best time to mention it. I personally wouldn't reveal it right away so that the person but with how many people these days are sexual, mentioning it right away could save a lot of wasted dating. As long as it's first said by you, I guess it doesn't matter too much, although you want to explain asexuality rather than to just say you're asexual so that more imphasis is put on understanding and relating than on knowing. In dating without being boyfriend and girlfriend, it should even remain optional to reveal it or not. It should definitely be revealed before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend though. The gentle way to reveal it would be to say something like "I'm not yet ready for sex."

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The gentle way to reveal it would be to say something like "I'm not yet ready for sex."

Well, if someone told me "I'm not yet ready for sex" I would understand that this person wishes to have more time so we can get to know each other better, before having sex together, or to wait with it until after marriage. It should be clearly said that sex is no option (ever), if that is the case.

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Yeah, I agree with MaraKarina on this - saying you're "not yet ready" makes it sound like you're some person like me or Zeal who plans to have it someday in the distant misty future. It may sound similar on the surface, but in a serious relationship there's a huge gap between the feelings and behaviour of a person like that and an asexual, and confusing the two is going to set you and your date up for disappointment eventually.

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I only recently figured out that I'm asexual and I'm not happy about it. I'm grudgingly accepting it, but I'm not sure what to "do" with it regarding dating. I've got two people who are interested in me and now I think a co-worker has a crush me. I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

How do homosexuals indentify one another? When do you tell a guy who wants to go out on a date that you're a lesbian? I don't know, but there must be some established protocol at this point. Maybe check the web to see what those folks have come up with?

My instinct is, don't go out on a date unless you're willing to have it culminate in something physical (even if it's only a kiss), or let your woo-er know ahead of time that physical stuff's out of the picture.

good luck!

Chiaroscuro

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My instinct is, don't go out on a date unless you're willing to have it culminate in something physical (even if it's only a kiss), or let your woo-er know ahead of time that physical stuff's out of the picture.

I'll have to second that sentiment. Part of the benefit, for me, of finding this site and the term 'asexual' is getting to be honest with people without feeling like I'm a freak. I'd say it as soon as you get to that point where both of you have romantic feelings for each other. Something like, "Before this goes further..."

Then again, I'm not in the situation currently so it's easy to say what I'd do.

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i'd say it just before the condom goes on. :lol: joking aside

pick and choose who you date, don't go and date someone you know has been around or seems like they *expect* sex to occur,you tell this type of guy and he probably won't bother with you (which is a good thing). my girlfriend knew before getting into a relationship with me as we were friends first,but i did come out to her when she came out to me as bisexual and directly asked if i was too.

only tell them if you're at that point of getting into a real relationship tbh,up until that point you can say you'd rather get to know them better.

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You tell the person the moment the date is a "romantic date" rather than including the potential of "friendship only"; you should clarify it just as you would clarify other details of the relationship.

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I'd really like to have someone to share my life with, but I feel like I keep cutting my options in the dating pool down lower and lower. I only recently figured out that I'm asexual and I'm not happy about it. I'm grudgingly accepting it, but I'm not sure what to "do" with it regarding dating. I've got two people who are interested in me and now I think a co-worker has a crush me. I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

I know exactly what you mean. I've become a 'casual' dater. Whenever I'm on a date the person knows that it's just a social thing, and that if we both enjoy it that it may happen again if we seem compatible. On the first date (or two) there's no pressure to talk about it. When it get's to the point where we're thinking of getting more intimately involved that's when I talk about it. (90% of the time it ends there *sigh*)

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The gentle way to reveal it would be to say something like "I'm not yet ready for sex."

Well, if someone told me "I'm not yet ready for sex" I would understand that this person wishes to have more time so we can get to know each other better, before having sex together, or to wait with it until after marriage. It should be clearly said that sex is no option (ever), if that is the case.

In MY case, "I'm not yet ready for sex" would probably be accurate. Sex IS an option, but only for someone I have known long enough to have fallen deeply in love with.

It seems however, that a great many men feel that more "mature" women shouldn't waste time looking for "love". These guys would NEVER tolerate that attitude from their daughter's suitors!

But thats different, isn't it?

BAH!

Grumpy Old Lizzie

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In MY case, "I'm not yet ready for sex" would probably be accurate. Sex IS an option, but only for someone I have known long enough to have fallen deeply in love with.

Agree, but that's for the rare person who may become such a close partner. There are far more others who are great people but are just not the "right type of guy" so I know pretty much from the beginning "friendship - great; sexual relationship - definite no".

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Two ways I could come up with.

Lets suppose I know its a romantic date and what it might probably lead up to. When he asks about my interests and what I do in my spare time I can mention this project on asexuality, this network that receives some media attendance and if he has ever heard of it. The good thing is, that he will see it more as a hobby, something one can be really into and consequently talk passionately about rather than an identity and future threatening revelation. The negative thing is - some rather slow ones just dont get the point ;)

Lets suppose you have him over for a cup of coffee. We have such coffee mugs and mousepads and cuddly toys in our asex store saying "For asexuals its really just coffee" or "Thats what an asexual looks like". Maybe it would be a mission possible for these items to be brought into action. ;) And it would get asexuality associated with fun rather than self-support groups :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Some advice from a sexual person on what would be a helpful and clear message to me if I was asking someone out (I'm a straight woman, to specify).

1. If I approached a gay man and asked him out on a date, I would hope that he would say "sorry, I don't date women" or "I'm not interested" or something to express the fact that there's NO possibility of us ever dating.

2. If I approached an asexual man (who is aromantic or totally disinterested in dating) and asked him out on a date, I expect him to also say something like "I'm not interested" and leave it at that.

3. If I approached an asexual man (who is romantic / open to dating) and asked him out on a date, I wouldn't expect him to be ultra-upfront about his asexuality from the start, because it isn't necessarily a deal breaker. If he's open to dating, then we could potentially have nice nonsexual dates with each other. In that case, I'd expect him to tell me at approximately the time when I (as the sexual person) start trying to steer the dates toward something physical, but BEFORE I am confused and hurt by the fact that he's not responding to my advances. This could happen at any point in a relationship, it depends entirely on how quickly two people are getting to know each other.

Either way, before anything awkward happens, it's best to set down your boundaries. That way, nobody is confused, nobody is leading anybody else on, and both parties can make a reasonable decision about whether to continue dating or not.

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Trouble with that is, some asexuals (m.i.) might not know if you're making advances or trying to steer the relationship in that direction.

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When he asks about my interests and what I do in my spare time I can mention this project on asexuality, this network that receives some media attendance and if he has ever heard of it.

Now that's GENIUS!

-Chiaroscuro

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Personally I don't like the question to occur pre-date. - I do internetdating. People seem unable to describe themselves in a way that enables me to get a impression of them. The 1st date should clear just one question: Would I prefer running away or do I hope for a 2nd one.

Being male I believe I unwillingly play the role of the more sexual part.

The rest depends. Does she provoke or allow a situation leading toward sex? - Time to talk.

Warning!!! - Might become explicit...

I recently dated some other weirdo, who talked to me about sex pre-date on the phone. - I even had some guy on the line once, who maybe wanted to tease me, by asking if I could perform with his wife really tough. - These are moments when I chicken out, excusing politely to have no clue at all, thinking just abstractly about it and counting myself to the daisy / vanilla fraction in general and so on. I also try to emphasize that other stuff is more important to me. - I keep vaque. I firmly believe even most sexuals can't be sure if they really want to **** whoever owns that nice voice on the phone. I want at least a chance to get a romantic crush on somebody face to face before I occupy my mind with such stuff.

I don't know what 'll happen later, but well, I'll try hard to act honestly and correct and OTOH it seems pretty hard for a lady to rape a boy.

Even planning no sex until marriage and no marriage with somebody I don't like to share my small tent with for 2 weeks of vacation, seems a possible policy for me at the moment, so maybe I'll tell the date these thoughts.

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Trouble with that is, some asexuals (m.i.) might not know if you're making advances or trying to steer the relationship in that direction.

Fair enough, if they're being subtle, or relying on flirting, body language, etc, it might be tough to figure out.

And really, all of what I'm saying only applies to asexuals who are open to / interested in dating sexual people - otherwise, a friendly and polite "no thanks" or an "I am only interested in being friends" should suffice.

But if you do go on a date with someone and they try to be physically affectionate with you by kissing you, putting their arm around you or trying to hold your hand, and you haven't talked about sexual boundaries to them, it might be a good time to say "I gotta tell you something..." and then explain what forms of physical affection you're ok with and which you are not.

Alternately, you can wait until they try to go further than friendly touching and then broach the subject. It depends entirely on how much physical contact you're comfortable with in the first place, but the conversation should definitely happen early enough in the relationship that neither partner feels like they've been placed in an uncomfotable, hard-to-get-out-of situation, or like they've been mislead.

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  • 1 month later...
When he asks about my interests and what I do in my spare time I can mention this project on asexuality, this network that receives some media attendance and if he has ever heard of it.

Now that's GENIUS!

-Chiaroscuro

I second that! I am using that next time someone who I might be interested in asks me about my interests. Or I could bring up something from "Just For Fun", like, "Hey, I have to go kill someone now," which will inevitably bring the question of what I mean, and I can explain I am playing this mafia game on my favorite website....

Okay, for mafia peeps the mafia hasn't even been picked yet so that is not admitting to anything, just an example! :lol:

Or make up an acronym about something random and mention that there's this game on this website I go to....

Etc.

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  • 1 month later...

I would want to know before the first date. If I asked another girl to go out, I want them to say to tell me the truth about themselves. That is when you should bring up your sexual orientation, so you don't surprise your partner (in a bad way). Let them know what to expect and what not to expect so they can decide whether the relationship is worth it or not.

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I just had a totally off topic vision. Hallu and her new luv interest are hanging out (sorry, sonofzeal you're not in this one, no offense). Her new luv interest is shy and has been acting a little strange. Finally, he gets up all his courage to bare his heart to her, fearing her rejection, fearing she will mock him, but knowing that she has to know... He blurts out "Hallu, I'm asexual!"

And Hallu goes..."Yeah? And?"

Haha, I wish it would be that easy with ALL potential sexual partners.

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