Jump to content

Is desire for sex without sexual attraction possible?


FloTieVie

Recommended Posts

I know it might sound weird. The thing is that I thought about this for a while now and I came to no conclusion, so I thought that maybe some of you know what's going on. The thing is I do wanna have sex and I do desire it, but I never found anyone hot and even when I fell in love with someone I didn't have any sexual fantasies about them. I even tried to imagine these things but it just wasn't arousing or anything. Maybe I got something wrong? I really don't know if I fit here or not. Sorry if I steel your time with this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, that's pretty much just having a libido.  Most just handle it by themselves, but there is a subset of people that want the partnered experience despite never coming across anyone they'd like it with... kinda like how there are self-expressed aromantics that would like to be in a romantic relationship but have never come across anyone that tickled their fancy.

 

Generally speaking, I wouldn't call people who want these things as asexual/aromantic, but I get why people would.  It is sort of a gray area

Link to post
Share on other sites

People coined the term 'cupiosexual' for this.

Some consider that to be a subset of asexual, others don't.

Personally, I consider it to be a subset of sexual, but that's just my opinion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, FloTieVie said:

So I'm Cupiosexual then? Thanks for your answers btw.

That's up to you to decide. You could try googling the term and finding other cupiosexuals to talk about it with them, or reading about how they experience their sexuality in other threads.

I can't tell you what you are. I can only give you definitions and talk about my own experiences, but my experiences aren't useful in this case, so definitions it is, and the definition of cupiosexual is someone who desires partnered sex, but doesn't experience sexual attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
15 minutes ago, FloTieVie said:

I think this definition describes me very much, thanks.

I'm glad I could help :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't feel this, but I imagine it like eating food for the taste rather than being hungry.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say wanting to eat without any food that appeals to you... or something like that. (just my personal opinion) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
On 4/22/2019 at 3:03 PM, CajunAce said:

I don't feel this, but I imagine it like eating food for the taste rather than being hungry.

Super relatable to me... I mean - I never ever desire sex, on the contrary, but as a lover of snacks and sweets I have always considered it obvious that you can eat without being hungry. ;)

 

Anyway, the sexual attraction vs. sexual desire issue is very interesting to me. They form the basis for the two most commonly used definition of asexuality: (1) the official AVEN definition: "An asexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction"; and (2) the most commonly used alternative definition: "An asexual person is someone who doesn't want to have sex / doesn't feel a desire for partnered sex". As I have already written a few times: while these definitions are very often parallel, there are cases where they can and do come into conflict. Most asexuals seem to meet both of these definitions, but there are also a lot of people who are asexual under one definition, but not under the other. I'm on the opposite side: I can feel something I would describe as sexual attraction, I absolutely can find a person sexually attractive, but I still absolutely don't want to have sex.

Outside the ace community I prefer identifying as asexual, because that's what my choices are anyway: I'm 0% sexually available, I don't want to have sex with anyone under any circumstances. Within the community people are more likely to understand nuances, so I prefer describing myself of "sex-averse and nudity-averse" or "effectively (functionally) asexual". It's plausible to think that, given my ability to experience sexual attraction, there is a potential for desire and that I would experience it if I wasn't sex-averse and nudity-averse. But I don't even want to. I'm averse even to the idea of becoming sex-indifferent. As I am, the possibilty of personally having sex feels so frightening to me that I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And since I don't regret it, since I don't feel that an ability to have sex is something I "should" want to gain - I don't intend to try overcoming my fear of sex, don't feel "broken" or "disordered", I choose to embrace my effective asexuality instead of feeding into the self-destructive belief that something is wrong with me.

But still, "your mileage may vary". I have seen people who experience the opposite: desire for sex without sexual attraction. Some of them prefer to identify as asexual anyway, some don't. I don't want to be someone who excludes, so I won't be telling them how they should identify. I just firmly agree with the perception of asexuality as a spectrum rather that only one single extreme point on the scale of sexuality. After all - any identity, any psychological concept is just an approximation because nobody's experience is identical to anyone else's experience. It's good for the asexual community to be diverse, open and accepting - even to people who live nonsexual lifestyles for reasons other than asexuality (because anti-asexuality and anti-celibacy prejudice can be very similar and is sometimes impossible to distinguish). Therefore I believe that we should also acknowledge the fact that the two most common definitions of asexuality sometimes come into conflict, that there are people who only meet one of the definitions and trying to squeeze themselves into both would contradict their experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere

By the way: I decided to create a poll about these potentially conflicting definitions. You could visit it to provide some representation of those who are asexual according to the first definiton, but not the second definition. ;)

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Desire it generally ? Sure. But, to follow through with desire and pick a person to have sex with... something drew you to the person for sex. The why you picked them tends to be the attraction. Often has nothing to do with them being hot. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

So that means I'll never do it then? I never picked anyone, but I want to have sex with someone. If I would pick someone then probably a person who I love and have a relationship with already, but just as I said. Even if I love someone I still want to have sex, but I won' t be aroused by the idea if having sex with this person. That's what made me so confused. Nothing makes me want to have sex with this person, but I still want to engage in sex. (if that makes sense for you) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that I want to have sex with someone, just not with this or that person. The thing is, what else is it then? I read somewhere in this forum that sexual attraction is like seeing, let's say Jordan and thinking sexually about him and wanting to do sexual things with him. I don't have that. I want to do sexual things, but I don't think about Jordan sexually. I don't want to do anything sexual with Jordan, but I do want to have sex in general. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

😂This was just an example. I never felt the urge to have sex with a person I saw. I still want to have sex though. Sorry, but I really can't explain it any better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, CBC said:

Then maybe Jordan isn't the person for you?

That. I don't see how that's not simply "not found the right person".

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, CBC said:

I don't get it. How do you want sex but not with someone.

I do want partnered sex, but there is and was never anyone in my live, with whom I wanted to have sex and I don't think that'll change. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, FloTieVie said:

I do want partnered sex, but there is and was never anyone in my live, with whom I wanted to have sex and I don't think that'll change. 

Perhaps you simply want to know what it feels like? This is relatively common also among people who generally don't desire sex for the sake of sex. You can be asexual and still have such feelings. I don't - I mean, yes, I am curious to such extent, but there's no way I could agree to sex, so I'll just live with a bit of unsatisfied curiousity.

I have no idea what could an "inherent" desire, "need" for sex feel like (I'm not questioning the reality of allosexual people's feelings, I'm just expressing my view that sexuality has a strong sociocultural component; what we call it - and, to an extent, maybe even what we like - is influenced by such external factors), but there are also other reasons which make people decide to have sex. Why is there a need for a term such as asexuality? Because sex is glorified in our modern culture - sex for the sake of sex, the pleasure, this supposedly greatest physical pleasure (a lot of people who have had orgasms, maybe particularly asexuals who pleasure themselves, would probably disagree), this intimacy which is supposedly impossible to achieve in any other way... And yet some people just don't feel that this is something they need. Some people even have an instinctive feeling that it would be horrible for them, not amazing, to experience sex. This makes us feel alienated and motivates us to create a community of like-minded people.

It is probably much easier to be a person who doesn't want to have sex under any circumstances. Even if I experience something I would describe as a kind of sexual attraction, I'm still entirely sure that I wouldn't and even couldn't want to actually have sex. So I don't need to consider my motivation for sex because I have none.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If sexual attraction really is what I think, I don't feel it. On the other hand I'm pretty certain that I would enjoy sexual activity with other persons, since I do have a libido and always imagine to have sex when I masturbate, so I can't possibly not like it. (or so I think) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What do you think you'd like about it?

I would like the stimulation and the intimacy. (that part of me is pretty much sexual) It's just confusing me that I don't have these typical fantasies with anyone as well as the lack of this want to do it with anyone I met in my whole life. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
44 minutes ago, FloTieVie said:

On the other hand I'm pretty certain that I would enjoy sexual activity with other persons, since I do have a libido and always imagine to have sex when I masturbate, so I can't possibly not like it. (or so I think) 

"Your mileage might vary". Particularly libido itself says nothing about whether one would enjoy partnered sex. I have a libido, but I'm entirely sure that I don't want to have partnered sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know. I didn't understand that myself and still don't. I'm sorry but I don't know how to explain it any better. I just know that it is the way it is. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was nervous to say something wrong to them, but also thought I could trust them with everything. I would have done almost anything to see them happy and they could hurt me deeply with one sentence alone. I imagined us in a relationship and it made me happy. I also liked watching and hearing them talk. I wanted to be there for them and I wanted them to like me too. I realised that this wouldn't happen, so I just tried to be friends with them until they moved away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Asexuals tend not to see sex as anything more than a discrete physical activity with no emotional overtones. 

I personally disagree (though I understand that other people may feel otherwise). For me it's a very emotional thing that actually, according to my opinion, shouldn't be done without an emotional committment. It's just that I don't like the idea of doing it myself. I cannot imagine that I could enjoy it, I am 99% sure that I couldn't even get to the point of actually having sex because I would panic sooner. It's just not for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
32 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Would it be more accurate to say that although you can see in principle that it's very positively emotional etc., for you personally, it has none of those connotations? 

Rather that I really don't see the potential in myself to experience these emotions. For me everything associated with the possibility of personally having sex is so negative (extreme discomfort with nudity, anxiety, disgust...) that it completely overshadows such emotions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah I assumed you meant you had a relationship with them. Hard to predict how things would pan out in a mutually loving romantic relationship then.

Yeah, I agree. Maybe it changes when I'm in a relationship with someone I love. If that would be the case, I would have one less thing to not have an answer for. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...