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Kinda Wanna Double-Check That This is Romantic Attraction (just darn confused)


chairdesklamp

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chairdesklamp

Just figured out that I'm just not allosexual last week and there is a sexual attraction drive I'm lacking, so I just wanna double-check whether or not this is how romantic attraction normally works:

 

I do know I have nothing but fleeting aesthetic attraction to women left, negative desire to act on it, and I've only ever MET two NB people to my knowledge, so I can't say, but I'm fairly sure I'd only be romantically interested in another man. I can really only see myself with another man anymore. "Bi" is just staying there because of how I had to fight to claim it over all the 'basically gay'/ 'no, you're straight' biphobia, and I'm just stubborn.

That aside, it has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with whether he's...my type is someone like me who would stick his neck out and stand to lose everything to stand up against bigotry or otherwise fight for someone in a weaker position than him (this could be a Christian shouting down an anti-Semite preaching over a megaphone, or stopping a four-foot-ten girl from being beaten by a six-foot tall cop) Basically, have the courage to stand up for his values at risk to himself, and protect others more vulnerable than he, which would be the same values I have. I know from past experience, at least perceiving that someone is like that WILL make me fall in love. I have definitely fallen in love four times (twice was we COULDN"T actually be together, incompatible orientation, twice was I was in error about how they were) But little else will. If anything... (?)

 

EDIT: And if I find out he's not like this, whether it was a front or I was in error (e.g., once, the guy was actually just a jerk who liked picking fights and yelling at people, and would seek out any reason to do so, was completely bereft of compassion), all feelings just die. 

Mushy stuff makes me very uncomfortable for the most part. Being serenaded isn't so much embarrassing as a 'do not want' in neon.

 

I can pick out a romantic song I really like, but it's because the message is "love doesn't fix everything, but I'm here for you," which I find realistic. (Firefall's "Just Remember I Love You") Songs like "Keep on Loving You" or "The Flame" just sound like awful odes to codependency to me. 

At the same time, I'm just so desperate not to be alone, I try to force myself to love and feel stuff for people I may not even like at all (they're usually there to use me, usually for money). This desperation makes me assume I must be hyperromantic, but is that right?

To use the popular internet saying, please advise.

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NickyTannock

I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Romantic and Aromantic Orientations'.
 
Michael Tannock,
Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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As I see it, not liking mushy stuff or being serenaded (hey, I learned a new word today) aren't indicators of your not being romantic.

 

5 hours ago, chairdesklamp said:

I try to force myself to love and feel stuff for people I may not even like at all (they're usually there to use me, usually for money). This desperation makes me assume I must be hyperromantic, but is that right?

This vaguely reminds me of myself, and I guess I'm more aro/greyro than anything else. So I second what CBC just said about it being a common human experience; I don't view it as a sign of hyperromanticism.

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6 hours ago, chairdesklamp said:

At the same time, I'm just so desperate not to be alone, I try to force myself to love and feel stuff for people I may not even like at all (they're usually there to use me, usually for money). This desperation makes me assume I must be hyperromantic, but is that right?

To me the term hyperromantic (rightly or wrongly) means that I can get a crush very easily, and that I can fall head over heels in love very easily. That being said I won’t tell you what labels you should or shouldn’t use, only you can make that decision.

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chairdesklamp

With no conclusive answers beyond "not hyperromantic," I've been perusing the forum. And I realised I have a few things to add:

 

A. I had a boss who has the trait that does it for me. He fed the panhandlers outside the store and stood up for my gender identity being respected. He was cishet. Stood up for people worse off than him, and also including me, which can really help because so often, I fight for everyone else, and when I need help, everyone's washing their hair tonight and drying it tomorrow. At the same time, he was barely any older than me (as most of management was my age and most in my rank were half that or less) and we interacted like brothers. He was also straight and very happily married. I was always sad that there was a rule against fraternisation with managers/head of store and we couldn't hang out, but it went over my head that usually I fall for people like him (or that I think are, it's only happened four times, including a mutual co-worker and he teased me as older brothers are wont to do) until today. This all was four years ago. 

 

B. The other thing is... I view partners as mega-best-friends. Together no matter what, and aligned where it counts, and that it's okay to cuddle with, and based on the social norms I ascribe  to someone you could do sensual/sexual things with if you wanted to (I hate making out, but I wouldn't kiss my best friend on the cheek. Although I realise I would if we were West Asian. And sexual things are so low on my list, I don't care if they're present. But I wouldn't cuddle with my best friend, either. I will hug her, because female friends don't make that weird, even the tomboys) and someone you commit to and snuggle in bed with. (I'm not pleased about currently sharing a bed with a friend, but I've also shared one with my cousin on road trips. The big aversion is mostly the friend is a skeaze. He actually ruined my life and dragged me down with him, and it's more like friendship because we're both in a bad situation, not because I really enjoy you) 

 

Anyway, beds are best shared with a romantic partner, though. Because you can snuggle into them. 

 

But falling in love is definitely unique to that and something I do. It's not THAT different, but there's the thing of "gosh, I really want this person to be my friend" that I can even still feel for women, though I can't see myself wanting to date or marry one ever again. But it's very similar. 

 

The biggest difference, what it's OKAY to do with aside, the difference in the feeling between feeling friendship and feeling romance, the real difference is "I want to be together with this person every day, and live with them, and (to steal an internet phrase) share and do ALL the things with them!"

 

My best friend, I wish so bad we weren't six hours apart, but I don't feel any desire to live right next door or something (she's married) I'd be really happy if we were in the same county, though. But it's not as "DO ALL THE THINGS" more like "talk as often as life permits" 

 

But because she lives six hours away where I used to, she has come here for something else, and I have spent three hours on a bus, then two lost, then four in a lobby waiting to see her, and putting a taxi ride on credit just so I could hang out at the late hour she could get away and meet with me. So, there's a LOT of feeling.

 

I saw one person describe that friendships are "more easily discarded." Losing a good friend and losing someone you love romantically or familial devastate me equally. To me, it just looks like this person doesn't particularly make a good friend. And that idea is supposed to be what we all have. And that romantic is "more." I value my good friends just as much as I would someone I loved romantically. And if I could share a apartment with one of the two of my best friends, it would probably keep me from having that "I'm gonna die alone" freakout. I wouldn't be married to them, but I actually wouldn't be alone. 

 

That's still alloromantic, right? And societal ideals just have really dim views of friendship?

 

My ideal of marriage and all that is I might have to differentiate by "my husband" and for my current best friend, she'd be "my other best friend, the one I'm not married to."

 

I think I just have healthy romantic ideals and make a good friend, but since "easily discarded" person IS at least the standardised enforced norm, double-checking.

 

Also since the norm says "friendships are for kids," I remember 8-tracks, CB radio, and am losing my hair. I'm trans, and if it hadn't ended in miscarriage, that kid would be turning 17. Not a young person at all.

 

And the "I would do ANYTHING for love" I never got. I'm not gonna, say, Rob a bank for anyone, nor am I gonna leave the country, because I have an increasingly rational fear of not being let back in. (Citizen since '98, but as I am not white and the country is the US, at least now post-2016, I'm sure you can kinda see where I'm coming from)

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