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Worried about relationship with allo girlfriend


hailsghost

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Hi, I am a 19 y/o somewhat sex-repulsed asexual who is currently dating an allosexual girl. We have been dating for around 8 months, and she has recently asked me how I would feel if she hooked up with other people to fulfill her ‘sexual needs’. I told her that I was uncomfortable with this. I am really not comfortable with ‘open relationships’ or whatever or with the thought of her having sex or being with other people. She says she respects my boundaries and choices but I’m afraid this relationship won’t be sustainable. I think that I will be ready to try sex eventually, but I am not ready and don’t know when I will be. In the mean time, I don’t want her to be unsatisfied, but I don’t know if I can let her hook up. She had pointed out that it won’t be sharing or the same at all because what we have is a romantic relationship and she just wants sexual relief or whatever (I don’t totally understand the allos). Should I let her hook up? Is it selfish not to? I feel mean but if I did it would feel wrong. I just want this relationship to last and be healthy but I’m not sure if I stay she will be fine. I really love her but if it’s not gonna be a healthy and sustainable relationship I don’t know what I should do. I can’t think of a solution that will allow both of us to be comfortable and happy and I’m scared. Any advice or experience would help!! 

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The relationship may not be sustainable. That is unfortunate, but recognizing a basic incompatibility in a relationship and ending it is much better than trying to maintain one that is basically flawed.

 

Many sexual people cannot be happy without an active sex life.  Many asexuals cannot be happy with an active sex life.  No fault anywhere - just incompatibility.   It is not doing either person a favor to stay in a relationship that will make one or the other unhappy.   

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Polyamory isn't for everyone.  You have to be really comfortable with yourself and confident in your relationships.  I would have never in a million years guessed that I was polyamorous. I didn't discover that until I was in my mid to late '20s.  It's okay to not want to be in a poly relationship. It's okay to not want to have sex in your relationship. It's okay for your partner to want to have sex. But if she can't have it with you, and she can't have it outside of you, then she is not getting what she needs. Only you are. And that is bound to lead to resentment.  Have you done things sexual in nature with her? Not sex per se, but do you fulfill needs in other ways with her?  I've heard some people give examples in the past of their partner being near them and taking care of themselves physically while the asexual in the relationship is supportive just by being close to them or maybe touching their leg or some other form of sensual touch that's not invasive to the ace.  Now you don't have to do any of that if it is uncomfortable to you.  I'm just throwing out suggestions that maybe you hadn't thought of or hadn't tried or whatever.  At any rate, good luck with it all. Hopefully others will have even more advice to give.  😊

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