people have forgotten i’m asexual and it’s really awkward

[Take That Fan Club]

ok so basically i told my friends that i was asexual 2 years ago when i first found at that i was. after a long period of feeling alienated by it, i’ve managed to find peace in my sexuality.

 

however, although i never show any desire in having sex myself, i’m hyper-aware of sexual things. i’ve always made and enjoyed dirty jokes, which is weird considering everything, just as long as they weren’t about me having sex directly. i can talk about porn with my friends too, since i do sometimes have a cheeky watch lol. and, although i could never know the desire for sexual intimacy, i understand why people feel it and that it has an important role in stable relationships.

 

now me and my friends have all turned the age of consent and they’ve started being sexually active, which is great for them -they can have a blast. i even try to show interest in their sexual lives (not in a creepy way they just bring it up sometimes and i listen lmao). 

 

since ive not really brought up my asexuality since i came out 2 years ago and i’ve not minded them telling me about their sexy stories, they seem to have forgotten that i still don’t want to have sex. like ever.

 

just the other day my mate was explaining to me how to suck a willy and it felt like a personal attack. i just sat through it uncomfortably then said something vague like ‘yeah i don’t think i’ll be needing that’ and they didn’t notice, so they’ve obviously forgotten.

 

now i’m scared i’m going to have to come out to them again and they weren’t all that accepting 2 years ago, so god only knows how they’ll react now that they’re all going on horny teenage rampages. one of my other mates also said not so long ago something like ‘you need to have sex in your life it’s normal’, which i felt was either a dig if she remembers that i’m asexual or just a general comment about how i’m still a virgin (big shocker) - either way it’s not very nice.

 

wow i wish i could write this much in essays omg. anyways any advice or general comments would be greatly appreciated. 

also i wasn’t sure which group to post this to so i hope this is the right one sorry if it isn’t

 

hope y’all have a great day x ✨

 

[Network_Apparition]

Its okay to tell people that you don't want to talk about sex. Its okay to enforce your boundaries after you have set them. While its understandable to want to show your friends that you care about them by asking about their relationships, you may want to stick to asking about the content of their dates if discussing sex makes you feel uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to have a conversation with them about what you're okay talking with them about and what you're not okay talking with them about. 

Sorry if this is a little blunt!

[Sexual Ally]

So I'll use an analogy.  Let's say sex = chocolate.    So, 2 yrs ago all your friends accepted the fact yr not into chocolate (which shows how accepting I think they'll continue to be...)  In those 2 years a lot has happened, tho.  They've not heard you talk about yr dislike for chocolate since.  And you've not only continued to talk about chocolate, but made jokes about it, and shown genuine interest in your friends' experiences with it. 

 

their own understanding of chocolate  has also changed, from having a naive, theoretical interest in it, to actually indulging (and presumably enjoying) it. 

 

 I think it's thoughtless but understandable, considering how invisible human asexuality is represented in culture, that they'd misread your social cues on sex over the last 2 yrs as a growing genuine interest, rather than just being an ace who's a great listener with a salty sense of humor.

 

Is it annoying to have to come out to them again?  Yes.  But now that many of your friends are actually having sex and better understand what it means to them, I think they'll be in a position to begin to truly comprehend on a deeper level what it means to you.     

[Iam9man]

This is a conversation I’ve had with my LGBTQ+ friends; coming out is sadly not a one-time event, it’s a lifelong process of coming out to new people and in new situations. If you feel comfortable doing so I’d simply recommend coming out again.

[waideweik]

I fully understand how you feel. When I was younger (I speak as if I was 60 but I really have 23), finding myself in a hypersexualized environment didn't cause me the least bit of discomfort because I thought it was normal, that everything had to follow a rhythm to which I had to adapt, but, I confess, a year ago I came out of the closet and all my world fell apart, what was normal before now I put in doubt, since everything is related to sex, with like the opposite sex or the same sex without seeing that there is something more.

 

Sexual people are not aware of it, but I believe that if you are aware that: yes, I am asexual, you should establish communication parameters with other people little by little, even though you have already said so. It causes a lot of fear, really, because it is: ugh! again they will treat me as a weirdo or as a misfit but if they are your friends they must learn to understand you as much as you learn from them. That is reciprocity, if not, in a very extreme case, consider finding people who understand, of course in case you fail in the mission to explain what the hell with how you feel.

 

That's what I think, I hope it helps you.

[nineGardens]

I mean... people forget things all the time, and also... for them sex has changed from being this hypothetical Pile of question marks to something in their lives. Maybe they even REMEMBER what it was like when they were younger (and not interested) and the gradual transition to being interested... and so maybe they imagine that you are also following a similar path.

 

Or maybe they just don't think heaps. I have a trans friend who I constantly mispronoun, and they in turn have a tendency to push dating sites etc at me from time to time (even while I am actively reminding them that *I DO NOT WANT THIS THING*). So... is this a problem? Yes. But not an insurmountable one. We both have to remind each other of our boundaries and expectations and that is fine (all be it a pain in the arse).

 

... it does kind of lead to sometimes people being TOO actively aware of boundaries (avoiding all sexual conversation within a ten meter radius of me), so if you don't want to ambiently shut down your friends conversations on some things, then you'll probably want to be clear about where your boundaries are... but also where they aren't. By the sounds of it its something along the lines of "Talk about your own sex stuff, that's totally fine, but please please please, don't recommend sex or talk about sex happening TO ME"

[lowLifeLoner]

Peoples memory span is such a fuck. I have IBD (inflammatory bowel decease) when to a friends house maybe about a year ago and they had completely forgotten I couldn't eat normal people food so I sat in a corner not knowing anybody and getting hungry while they got drunk with their other friends. 

 

Just remind them next time they bring something like that up that your asexual and not into that kinda thing. Hopefully they remember that you've said it before and don't fight it. But even if they do just tell them they can believe what they like just don't tell you about sucking dicks. 

[Take That Fan Club]

5 hours ago, Observation Station said:

Its okay to tell people that you don't want to talk about sex. Its okay to enforce your boundaries after you have set them. While its understandable to want to show your friends that you care about them by asking about their relationships, you may want to stick to asking about the content of their dates if discussing sex makes you feel uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to have a conversation with them about what you're okay talking with them about and what you're not okay talking with them about. 

Sorry if this is a little blunt!

no no it’s not blunt, just straight to the point which is great! i think this has given me the confidence to speak up about it thank you x 

[Take That Fan Club]

5 hours ago, Sexual Ally said:

So I'll use an analogy.  Let's say sex = chocolate.    So, 2 yrs ago all your friends accepted the fact yr not into chocolate (which shows how accepting I think they'll continue to be...)  In those 2 years a lot has happened, tho.  They've not heard you talk about yr dislike for chocolate since.  And you've not only continued to talk about chocolate, but made jokes about it, and shown genuine interest in your friends' experiences with it. 

 

their own understanding of chocolate  has also changed, from having a naive, theoretical interest in it, to actually indulging (and presumably enjoying) it. 

 

 I think it's thoughtless but understandable, considering how invisible human asexuality is represented in culture, that they'd misread your social cues on sex over the last 2 yrs as a growing genuine interest, rather than just being an ace who's a great listener with a salty sense of humor.

 

Is it annoying to have to come out to them again?  Yes.  But now that many of your friends are actually having sex and better understand what it means to them, I think they'll be in a position to begin to truly comprehend on a deeper level what it means to you.     

haha it’s so weird to think of it if chocolate but it helps. and yeah i’m hoping their maturity will help them understand it better now thank you x

[Take That Fan Club]

6 hours ago, Iam9man said:

This is a conversation I’ve had with my LGBTQ+ friends; coming out is sadly not a one-time event, it’s a lifelong process of coming out to new people and in new situations. If you feel comfortable doing so I’d simply recommend coming out again.

yeah i guess i’m still learning that it’s a part of my life i’ll have to tell people about, whether i like it or not x

6 hours ago, waideweik said:

I fully understand how you feel. When I was younger (I speak as if I was 60 but I really have 23), finding myself in a hypersexualized environment didn't cause me the least bit of discomfort because I thought it was normal, that everything had to follow a rhythm to which I had to adapt, but, I confess, a year ago I came out of the closet and all my world fell apart, what was normal before now I put in doubt, since everything is related to sex, with like the opposite sex or the same sex without seeing that there is something more.

 

Sexual people are not aware of it, but I believe that if you are aware that: yes, I am asexual, you should establish communication parameters with other people little by little, even though you have already said so. It causes a lot of fear, really, because it is: ugh! again they will treat me as a weirdo or as a misfit but if they are your friends they must learn to understand you as much as you learn from them. That is reciprocity, if not, in a very extreme case, consider finding people who understand, of course in case you fail in the mission to explain what the hell with how you feel.

 

That's what I think, I hope it helps you.

it really does help thank you. it’s nice to hear it from someone a bit older. really well put too, it’s like i feel like i should adapt to the environment but i guess respect is a two way thing and thanks for reminding me of that x

5 hours ago, nineGardens said:

I mean... people forget things all the time, and also... for them sex has changed from being this hypothetical Pile of question marks to something in their lives. Maybe they even REMEMBER what it was like when they were younger (and not interested) and the gradual transition to being interested... and so maybe they imagine that you are also following a similar path.

 

Or maybe they just don't think heaps. I have a trans friend who I constantly mispronoun, and they in turn have a tendency to push dating sites etc at me from time to time (even while I am actively reminding them that *I DO NOT WANT THIS THING*). So... is this a problem? Yes. But not an insurmountable one. We both have to remind each other of our boundaries and expectations and that is fine (all be it a pain in the arse).

 

... it does kind of lead to sometimes people being TOO actively aware of boundaries (avoiding all sexual conversation within a ten meter radius of me), so if you don't want to ambiently shut down your friends conversations on some things, then you'll probably want to be clear about where your boundaries are... but also where they aren't. By the sounds of it its something along the lines of "Talk about your own sex stuff, that's totally fine, but please please please, don't recommend sex or talk about sex happening TO ME"

yeah thank you i probably would have worded it badly before reading this and then they might have avoided the topic completely so thank you x

5 hours ago, lowLifeLoner said:

Peoples memory span is such a fuck. I have IBD (inflammatory bowel decease) when to a friends house maybe about a year ago and they had completely forgotten I couldn't eat normal people food so I sat in a corner not knowing anybody and getting hungry while they got drunk with their other friends. 

 

Just remind them next time they bring something like that up that your asexual and not into that kinda thing. Hopefully they remember that you've said it before and don't fight it. But even if they do just tell them they can believe what they like just don't tell you about sucking dicks. 

oh no that sounds horrible, hope you’ve had/will have better experiences! and yeah people can forget even the biggest things about each other. it’s worse with teenagers too because we’re all focussing so much on ourselves. thank you for the encouragement anyway x