I may have been conditioned to want a romantic relationship

[lexilovely]

Society makes us think that romantic relationships are the one thing in life we should be striving for. They make us think that romance is what makes life worth living. But I have recently realized that for the past 20 years of my life (I'm 21), I may have just been pretending to want romantic relationships just to fit in. And I never truly noticed till now. In college, I have found an amazing new sense of independence that brought me to the conclusion that not only would I be way to stifled in a romantic relationship, it just doesn't seem all that appealing in the first place. I'm realizing that what sounds more appealing is just having a really close best friend: kinda like an alterous relationship.

 

However, I definitely have experienced romantic attraction. I think I even loved one guy. But I think maybe I feel romantic attraction but I don't want an actual relationship. (This is just a working theory as I've never had a relationship before.) So, has anyone else felt like this?

[Strifed]

I really agree that society puts a heavy emphasis on romantic/sexual relationships to the point it's a bit... unsettling. When I read your story, my life was a bit similar in that when I was in college I really realized that a romantic relationship wasn't what I wanted. I was only trying to "date" (idk if I can call it that since I never lasted a week with a guy because it made me so uncomfortable and yucked out lol) and trying to make myself like like boys because it was what everyone else was doing. I noticed too that you were a total weirdo if you never had a relationship or didn't date, so I didn't want to be seen as that.... But deep down inside I never wanted to date anyone because I wanted to, and I never really clicked with anyone or liked liked a guy. 🤷‍♂️ I liked being friends and friends only with people. I still sometimes feel pressured to this day to date, but I don't let it bother me much anymore since I understand myself better and part of what I want out of life. It's impossible to force yourself to like someone, and I learned that.

 

I'm both aro and ace so I can not comment on loving anyone or your question, but I do agree that having a very close friendship is a more appealing relationship! Having someone to live life with, take care of and vice versa, and just have fun with is the ideal.

[Anonartist]

29 minutes ago, lexilovely said:

recently

Absolutely. I have always felt that society places way too much emphasis on romantic relationships to the point that it is unrealistic and unhealthy for anyone seeking a romantic relationship. There is not nearly enough understanding of other forms of relationships, or even the most important relationship, which is the one you foster with yourself. As for or wanting a romantic relationship because of societal pressures I don't think I quite fit that bill. I think I seek romance more for it's unique flavor of intimacy but also because of my own abandonment issues... Hmm, the latter might not be a misplaced reason to seek romance though. As a side note, I do sometimes wonder if my recent "interest" in sex is just something I fabricated because of pressure from my partners, and because I so badly just want to have a normal relationship with the people I am interested in. 

Anyways, I would encourage you to explore this theory by living it out. If you find romance later or that you want it, then so be it. But as you already know it's not the most important thing in the world. If you feel liberated without it then follow that. It's just a good feeling to have. :) 
 

[waideweik]

In my case, I like romance or the idea that I have been founded as a romance, like loving another person despite their shortcomings and accept it as it is, which made me understand how love works and with it to move it to love the people around me without having a romantic feeling. I think that when you forget the fiction of romance is when you really understand what is the meaning of love, what makes you feel, what makes you think beyond the socially established.

 

When I read your story, although I reflect on it, remember that I had a very long relationship with a boy and a very short relationship with a girl, both were how to say it? an opportune discovery because I liked the idea of romance but in the act of being in love that idea lost a sense in my mind because it wasn't the same to dream it as to put it into practice.

 

Understanding that there is that clash between dream and reality is incredibly powerful because not only do you understand that yes, romances is an idea that is sold in a society that doesn't understand that not only everything is black or white, but also only they sell that idea of love for other people in a specific sense that will lead you to sexual consent and finally to the expected life, which is absurd. Romance is an idea whose basis is love, if we remove the romance within love we only have the energy that will lead us to understand that I can feel good having friends, having family, having people who love me for what I am.

 

I'm a fan of romance as an idea but not as the conception of utopia in which we have to live when we know that sometimes we can't, so I think it's fine if you don't feel ready to feel a romance and also if you want it, You are free to decide and that I believe is the greatest pleasure you can get as a human being, your ability to choose what you want and not in your environment because not everyone knows it.

 

That at least is what I think

[Iam9man]

2 hours ago, lexilovely said:

Society makes us think that romantic relationships are the one thing in life we should be striving for. They make us think that romance is what makes life worth living. But I have recently realized that for the past 20 years of my life (I'm 21), I may have just been pretending to want romantic relationships just to fit in. And I never truly noticed till now. In college, I have found an amazing new sense of independence that brought me to the conclusion that not only would I be way to stifled in a romantic relationship, it just doesn't seem all that appealing in the first place. I'm realizing that what sounds more appealing is just having a really close best friend: kinda like an alterous relationship.

 

However, I definitely have experienced romantic attraction. I think I even loved one guy. But I think maybe I feel romantic attraction but I don't want an actual relationship. (This is just a working theory as I've never had a relationship before.) So, has anyone else felt like this?

I don’t relate to this but thought I’d add a comment for comparison: I do experience romantic attraction (quite strongly) and want a romantic relationship, but agree society expects this to be a certain way, which I don’t necessarily relate to. To me a romantic relationship is a close relationship with someone I love who loves me back.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I was the opposite, had no (even negative) interest in romance then accidentally discovered it. I wouldn't have it any other way, but searching for it? Nah, if you're not bothered, don't bother.