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Hello, first post, ever-ish. Long story short:getting over depression and finding myself.

I think I’m ace or at very least grey-ace but thought I’d check a bit. So, I’m kinda confused, 27M, and only started dating a couple of years ago. I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship because I like the idea of a it, especially that one who will try to support and stick by you. And I found out about asexuals and for some reason it always stuck with me.

 

Anywho, I go back and forth because: 

-I know I like women, because they are pleasing to look at, I also like the look of butts. Not sure why.... they look soft haha. Which I’m not sure if that’s a sign or not.

 

-I fantasize about things, watch those vids, etc but when given the chance I never do anything and I’m just happy we are in the same room. I think it’s actually how a relationship with someone I deeply cared about started to crumble, because I didn’t try anything, other than hugs, even when she gave multiple hints.

 

-I find how sexualized everything/one is off putting. 

 

-Not sad about being a virgin; I’m sad because I haven’t found anyone yet and worried because people rank sex up high as a reason why they would breakup with someone. Otherwise I’m fine. 

 

-been told I act asexual. 

 

Not sure if it’s me being asexual or maybe just lack of experience. 

  

In the end I know it’s up to me to define myself, but I guess it’s nice to hear what other like people think.

 

Sorry for the long post, feel a bit loss and it’ll be nice to have a place to fit in and if not, you all seem like lovely people anyway.

 

Edit: sorry if text is large, wrote this on mobile and can’t seem to make it smaller haha

 

Edited by Lloagim
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Oh I mean you seem to fall under the umbrella at least. Then it's your choice to sort of figure out where you fall.

Also, lovely comment about the butts, it was really quite amusing (maybe my immaturity is kicking in, but oh I love it [the butt comment, not my immaturity {although perhaps that also}]).

A very warm welcome here!

Cake (we greet new people with cake, and basically just trade in cake). Have some cake🍰🍰🍰🍰.

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Labels are ultimately up to you, but you can still fantasize and be ace. It's really determined by whether you want to do it with a person or not. Sounds like you might be a romantic ace of some sort if you want romantic relationships but not sexual ones. 

Also, there are different types of attraction. If you look at someone and think, "wow, they're pretty" that's an aesthetic attraction. If you look at someone and think, "wow, I want to date them" that's a romantic attraction. It's only sexual attraction if you look at someone and think, "wow, I would totally sleep with them". So you finding women attractive might be aesthetic or romantic. 

Hope that helps! Welcome to AVEN! 

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NickyTannock

@Lloagim Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Heteroromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Great Barrier Reef Cake,

apt1xohwfqdkaesjygvy.jpg

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Hi and welcome! 🍰

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I identify as ace, but it’s up to you to find out what fits for you. Or you can choose to not use a label if you don’t want to.

 

Btw, I had issues with big text, and I highlighted it and clicked on the “Tx” and it fixed it once I submitted the post 😊

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Chamomile_Serenity

Welcome, welcome! it sounds to me that you're in the right place. I get wanting clarity around this topic. Even though as you said, ultimately, you define yourself for yourself. When I first came across this site it felt right to call myself grey not because I thought I had experienced sexual attraction but because I wasn't fully comprehending what it meant to be sexually attracted vs other attraction so I just went with the "grey one" to be safe. In time, I learned about all the different attractions and that libido didn't detract from ace-ness that some ace folk even have fetishes and some are in regular sexual relationships for the love of the partner not because they experienced sexual attraction. It all made sense to me and I began to identify as ace. I think as you look around and here about other experiences you will either come to feel affirmed in a specific label if you wish to have one or you will feel affirmed in the fact that our preferences are fluid and labels don't make or break who we are. Cheers! And enjoy some 🎂

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7 hours ago, Abîme said:

Oh I mean you seem to fall under the umbrella at least. Then it's your choice to sort of figure out where you fall.

Also, lovely comment about the butts, it was really quite amusing (maybe my immaturity is kicking in, but oh I love it [the butt comment, not my immaturity {although perhaps that also}]).

A very warm welcome here!

Cake (we greet new people with cake, and basically just trade in cake). Have some cake🍰🍰🍰🍰.

Thanks @Abîme, you took the words right out of my mouth (keyboard?), especially around the butt comment (and my childish humour)!

 

Welcome @Lloagim! 🎂

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Cassie Camille

This post is literally everything I have been questioning myself about for years! Well except the part about buts haha! I am also new here and really just looking for answers and possibly someone to say I'm not alone in the way I feel. I am 25F and enjoy romantic relationships until the topic of intimacy and sex comes up. I have tried it out with two different men and it just doesn't appeal to me. Like you I notice people in the sense of aesthetic attraction and I have watched videos and the like, but when it comes to me doing those things with someone I just don't have the interest for it. I don't talk to my parents or my sisters about this because I really don't think they understand. They are all seem so at ease with boyfriends and intimacy that I feel like they will judge me. The one time I even hinted that I didn't have "normal" responses to men and those situations my grandmother started saying things like how I was young and inexperienced and the confidence for those things would come later when I met the right person. That just upset me more so I don't say anything about it to anyone. Well that turned into a bit of a long response haha but I was just so excited that you seem to have the same questions as me! Anyway Great meeting you!

 

Cassie

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NickyTannock

@Cassie Camille Welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, I'm 33, and I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Banana Python Cake,

snake-cake-2.jpg

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chairdesklamp
On 4/19/2019 at 3:22 PM, i'mjustme said:

Labels are ultimately up to you, but you can still fantasize and be ace. It's really determined by whether you want to do it with a person or not. Sounds like you might be a romantic ace of some sort if you want romantic relationships but not sexual ones. 

Also, there are different types of attraction. If you look at someone and think, "wow, they're pretty" that's an aesthetic attraction. If you look at someone and think, "wow, I want to date them" that's a romantic attraction. It's only sexual attraction if you look at someone and think, "wow, I would totally sleep with them". So you finding women attractive might be aesthetic or romantic. 

Hope that helps! Welcome to AVEN! 

I have a questioning thread up, too, and alloromanticism is ALSO looks-based...?

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Hi, I'm new too and still trying to figure out where I fit in. I'm attracted to people (I like butts too 😛), I like the idea of romance, I like reading about sex and porn doesn't bother me at all. But sex it very off-putting for me. It was always something I thought I had to do to be in a relationship, and it's led to a lot of confusion for me. I've had sex in past relationships, but hated it. I'm married, and I'm not sure how I got this far, because sex and all the ooey-gooey romance stuff my husband wants, I don't want. I question how he fell in love with me and why I married him. I was lonely before him and I guess I thought it would help so I guess I liked the idea of being in a relationship. I sound so selfish I think, but I think I did love him, but as more of a friend. And now we're married and he still is more of a friend. Anyway, it's overwhelming, but keep researching. That's what I'm doing, trying to figure out where I fit in. For me, it's hard to know since I've never experienced a "healthy" relationship so I don't know if I could ever be attracted to sex. But, in three relationships I have had, sex was something that made me feel anxiety and disgusted with myself. 

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Thanks for all this! It's nice to meet people who are accepting, as mentioned its up to me, label-wise, but definitely nice to be heard. Instead of the usual, "go to a brothel, they'll fix you", etc.

 

This has helped a lot and hopefully, I can become a halfway decent member of this forum haha.

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nineGardens
8 minutes ago, Lloagim said:

"go to a brothel, they'll fix you", etc.

People say that?

Jeppers. That ain't helpful.

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Cassie Camille
21 hours ago, Lloagim said:

but definitely nice to be heard. Instead of the usual, "go to a brothel, they'll fix you", etc.

I know what you mean, I have had a few guys offer to fix me! Always a super uncomfortable situation to be in!

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Gee it nice to have people who understand haha.

Yeah and definitely but I get it, its like anything, if the individual doesn't conform, the group tries to make it happen. If people don't understand something then they lash out

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