Give me HOPE

[bluebella]

Hello everyone,

 

I have stumbled upon this forum a few years ago and now I am back with the same fears and anxiety.

I wanted to ask people that are in asexual-sexual long term relationship to share their stories, as I need some reassurance that it can work. I have came back to this forum in search for hope but I see too many posts where the responses suggest a break up. I would love if some of you could share your positive stories.

In short (or long, if you prefer!)

What are the main challenges you stumble upon?

How do you compromise? How did you find what works and what doesn't? How often/ do you have sex? Do you stick to some sort of routine?

How do you/ your sexual partner handle/s rejection, if it ever happens? How do you/ your sexual partner makes sure you are comfortable with sex?

 

My story is like many others on this forum, where it gets to the point where we are arguing over everything now and cannot be happy spending time together because of the building up pressure and frustration, as we didn't have sex for too long. I am trying to understand sexuality and would really like my partner to understand the asexuality too, so that we can work it out, but at this point, I am having troubles to even accept myself as I feel like I'm not fully a woman and missing something. This leads to my depression, anxiety, low self esteem and non existent confidence in myself and my body. I am going through phases when I tolerate sex, but there's also times when I am almost sex repulsed and cannot even think about doing it. I really do not want anyone to tell me if my partner is right for me, because I know I don't ever want to be with anyone else. I would like to ask for guidance and advice on how to make it work.

 

I would really appreciate any responses, thank you in advance!

 

[Xstatic]

1 hour ago, bluebella said:

What are the main challenges you stumble upon?

How do you compromise? How did you find what works and what doesn't? How often/ do you have sex? Do you stick to some sort of routine?

How do you/ your sexual partner handle/s rejection, if it ever happens? How do you/ your sexual partner makes sure you are comfortable with sex?

Being in a mixed orientation relationship takes extreme amounts of patience, communication, and in my opinion, most importantly, empathy.

 

I went into the relationship knowing that my partner was ace.  Even so, it has been challenging at times but just because I love him so much and I desire him all of the time.    I don't find the rejection hard to deal with because I never assume anything is going to happen.  Just that if it does, that's freaking awesome.  But I let him initiate based off of my cues.  He knows when I really want it.  When I really feel that moment, I'll start to make out with him.  He will either take it from there, or just kiss me for a few minutes and then give me a hug.  That's my cue that he's not interested or able and I settle back into whatever we were doing.

 

We do have a routine.  We work together Monday through Thursday and we keep work strictly platonic/professional.  Mondays and Thursdays after work I spend the night with him.  Sometimes we do date night things, sometimes we just go back to his place and watch TV, or talk, or whatever.  I always spend the night.  We always hold each other when we sleep.  Sex is generally a couple of times a month.

 

Again, I make him comfortable by giving him complete control of the situation.  He in turn wants to make me happy.  It works for us.

 

My main challenge has been dealing with his aromanticism.  Knowing that he can never love me in the way that I love him.  That was a hard hurdle for me to overcome.  But I think I've finally wrapped my head around all of that.  I just love him for who he is, and I'm glad he seems content.  We both just genuinely want each other to be happy.

[MrDane]

1 hour ago, bluebella said:

 

How do you compromise? How did you find what works and what doesn't? How often/ do you have sex? Do you stick to some sort of routine?

How do you/ your sexual partner handle/s rejection, if it ever happens? How do you/ your sexual partner makes sure you are comfortable with sex?

 

 I am going through phases when I tolerate sex, but there's also times when I am almost sex repulsed and cannot even think about doing it.

 

I dont like the word ‘compromise’. It reminds me of two people not getting what they want. Besides! What is a compromise between ‘never and would rather do something else’ and ‘joyful/lustful sex and romance every day’?

I like mutual agreement or solution. Instead of trying to ‘fire her up’, I focus on me and ask if she would be okay with pleasing me. (It helps her to think of sex as more of an aid with my masturbation or giving a genital massage.) it is easier to handle a “I love you, but I am not up for it today.” Than just a ‘no’.

I ask, before getting under the sheets. I dont push for more. 

[Abîme]

I am personally aro/ace but am in the most amazing relationship with my best friend. 

I had nothing against going out with him and he felt it would improve our friendship, so here we are. 

We kiss semi-frequently and very occasionally make out, but sex has not arisen. He knows I am tolerant of sex but sometimes sex averse, and knew about this from before the relationship, so although I've raised the question thinking it might be an issue, he said he didn't want to given that this wouldn't be a mutual close pleasure. Just saying, I don't find making out particularly great, although I don't dislike it either (and perhaps sometimes it has the ability to feel pleasing but rarely), so his logic isn't very well constructed, but damn I'm all right with that offer!

We have a routine of seeing each other every day-ish I guess? I mean we live pretty close, so it's inevitable, and also he's my friend so lol. But yeah, an hour of exchanging sentences with him about a subject of our choice (conveniently, we both like maths and computer science) a day.

I guess he sometimes gets upset when I do not wish to cuddle or something or other in the daily routine. We're routine people, and feeling loved is apparently a super important thing for him, so this is quite understandable. I guess at that point it sort of goes 50/50. Either I just sort of try to comfort him but don't hug him (if I'm feeling particularly bad), or I give in because I feel so sorry and also my not-need for hugs is weaker than his need for hugs so why not? (I doubt this would apply to sex).

In full seriousness though, a healthy sexual-asexual relationship relies on the happiness of both. 

Guys, I know I've asked before, but can we make, like, fully recognised pamphlets that we can give out to our Significant Others/Parents/Friends/People at bars about how to deal with us? Like, not going into full detail, because everything's so different with each and every one of us (as with any other orientation), but some basics? I feel it would really help in situations like these.

And very importantly, there's nothing wrong with you. A low sex drive is not something unnatural or something you must be upset about by any means! (Note that I did not mention whether or not you should remain with your person, as I'm sure you guys can and will figure it out! (perhaps don't give in for the sex issue though, unless you're sure [and I mean HELLA sure, not just kidding yourself] that it won't make you unhappy).

[AnnaAce]

@bluebella I wish I had answers for you but your story sounds exactly like mine. I hope you get more feedback as it would be useful. 

[bluebella]

11 hours ago, MrDane said:

 What is a compromise between ‘never and would rather do something else’ and ‘joyful/lustful sex and romance every day’?

Yes, I see your point and that makes sense. I like the way you described it and I would generally feel a lot better thinking about it in that way, to make my partner happy and not force myself to feel the same as he does and constantly beat myself up that I’m no good at being sexual. 

 

I went into the relationship not knowing about asexuality and how it applies to me. I have been with my partner for over 5 years now and I haven’t had sex with anyone before him. It took a lot of figuring out and a lot of stress before I understood my sexuality but I still can’t stop feeling defective. 

Sometimes, I’m having “better” weeks or months, but sometimes I am really sex repulsed and it puts our relationship in a bad place where we both feel down. At this moment it is really quite bad and I would really like him to learn more about asexuality in hopes he’ll understand me more and this would hopefully help us to work things out together, but he doesn’t really accept this... he used to say I am not asexual because I do occasionally enjoy sex. He suggested I go to a therapy as he doesn’t think he can do this for much longer, as we didn’t have an intimate encounter in almost two months...

 

So I am now in a really bad place, and unlike others here, who are really comfortable with their (a)sexuality, I really feel like it is crashing my world.

 

I really appreciate everyone’s input so far, thank you ✨

[Xstatic]

How on Earth are you ever supposed to enjoy sexual intimacy with someone who won't even acknowledge your sexuality?  I went through a period of time in my last marriage where my libido basically shut down for almost 6 years. It was really hard on the relationship. And the angrier my spouse got about it the more my body shut down. He used to yell at me and call me a lesbian. And I would tell him that's not what this was. I would tell him that I loved him very much but that I was depressed, and I didn't feel like I was good enough, and that he always wanted more from me than I knew how to give sexually. And that shit stressed me out.

 

There was a turning point when he actually embraced my sexuality as bisexual and stopped being threatened by it. And at some point not long after that he told me that he thought it would be in my personal best interest if I pursued a relationship with a girl on the side.  So I did, and it was awesome. And my libido came back like in a more intense way than I've ever experienced in my life.  And it hasn't left since.  Even though my ex and I didn't make it, it wasn't over sex. It wasn't over the stuff with the girls either, he liked that shit. It turned him on. I don't know.  So I guess I'm Polly as well. Even though I have no desire at this moment in time to act on that. My current partner completely accepts my bisexuality, and even insists that he doesn't care if I see other people on the side.  It's very freeing to just know that you can just be who you are and not be judged for that. I'm here on AVEN because my current partner is ace And I wanted to learn everything and I mean everything that I could about asexuality (and aromanticism now that I know about that).  He was so afraid that I would reject him because of his orientation. But I could never do that.

 

I seriously and strongly encourage you to get your partner to open up to really learning about asexuality and actually understanding it. Making it not about him, but about you and your identity.

[MrDane]

9 hours ago, bluebella said:

Yes, I see your point and that makes sense. I like the way you described it and I would generally feel a lot better thinking about it in that way, to make my partner happy and not force myself to feel the same as he does and constantly beat myself up that I’m no good at being sexual. 

 

I went into the relationship not knowing about asexuality and how it applies to me. I have been with my partner for over 5 years now and I haven’t had sex with anyone before him. It took a lot of figuring out and a lot of stress before I understood my sexuality but I still can’t stop feeling defective. 

Sometimes, I’m having “better” weeks or months, but sometimes I am really sex repulsed and it puts our relationship in a bad place where we both feel down. At this moment it is really quite bad and I would really like him to learn more about asexuality in hopes he’ll understand me more and this would hopefully help us to work things out together, but he doesn’t really accept this... he used to say I am not asexual because I do occasionally enjoy sex. He suggested I go to a therapy as he doesn’t think he can do this for much longer, as we didn’t have an intimate encounter in almost two months...

 

So I am now in a really bad place, and unlike others here, who are really comfortable with their (a)sexuality, I really feel like it is crashing my world.

 

I really appreciate everyone’s input so far, thank you ✨

Being asexual means to never actually need/desire/want the sex for sex itself. Like a thirst that needs to be quenched. An asexual can enjoy, orgasm and consider it a great thing. An asexual are not getting depressed if sex doesnt happen. 

 

 

[bluebella]

2 minutes ago, MrDane said:

An asexual are not getting depressed if sex doesnt happen. 

 

 

I’m sorry if I didn’t explain it well enough, I am not getting depressed that it doesn’t happen, I feel depressed because of how frustrated my partner is and how our relationship is at the point where he is constantly on edge and gets annoyed about everything explaining it is all because of me not having sex with him and the situation makes me feel like I’m not good enough. This is what makes me depressed, that because I don’t feel the need for sex, I can’t please and make my partner happy and it has an impact on all other aspects of our relationship. 

 

6 hours ago, ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

How on Earth are you ever supposed to enjoy sexual intimacy with someone who won't even acknowledge your sexuality?  

(...)

 

I’m here on AVEN because my current partner is ace And I wanted to learn everything and I mean everything that I could about asexuality (and aromanticism now that I know about that).  He was so afraid that I would reject him because of his orientation. But I could never do that.

 

I seriously and strongly encourage you to get your partner to open up to really learning about asexuality and actually understanding it. Making it not about him, but about you and your identity.

I am starting to see this as well. I have been very caught up in thinking it is all my fault and that I am a faulty woman but I do see that there is things he needs to understand too. I just feel like when he says he has sexual needs and wants a woman that wants him and sexually satisfies and pleases him, I can only say that I can try, but I think from his point of view it looks like I just don’t want to. 

There is times when I just don’t mind sex and I let it happen and it doesn’t bother me too much, I don’t need it, but I am happy that this makes him happy. 

Mother times, like for the past two months, I just cannot go any further than kissing and any other sort of intimate touch makes me shut down.

[bluebella]

6 hours ago, ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

 

I also think this is amazing that you were willing to learn so much and it shows such a commitment.

[Xstatic]

30 minutes ago, bluebella said:

I am starting to see this as well. I have been very caught up in thinking it is all my fault and that I am a faulty woman but I do see that there is things he needs to understand too.

This right here?  This guilt and shame will eat your libido alive.  That's exactly what I was talking about.  It just destroys it.  Tears you up inside.  Makes you feel like you're a terrible person.  Broken. When I got to that state I would try so hard to engage sexually.  To look like I was enjoying it.  But I hated it.  Felt violated.  Felt disrespected.  Most of the time I would cry in the bathroom afterwards.

 

 I really do think that the thing that would help the two of you the most is for him to actively be involved in the discovery of your identity and your sexuality.  I feel like it will make you feel appreciated in your relationship for who you are. I feel like if he truly starts to understand the dynamic between the two of you there will be answers to built up resentment.  My guess, and this is just a guess based off of my own personal experience, is that you can feel his resentment and that is fueling your guilt and low self-esteem.  

 

I really hope for the best for you. So may of the things going on in your life are so relatable to things that I've lived through.  I just want to hug you and tell you that you are valid, you are worthy of love, and that you deserve respect, no matter what happens.