How Do I Explain Romantic Love vs. Friendship Love

[AceyMacey]

I don't know if this topic already exists, but I couldn't find it so I thought I make one.

 

So, my gym class was going over different types of privilege and when we got to sexual orientations, people seemed very confused about asexuality. I ended up having to explain the main concepts (differences between asexuality, aromanticism, and "just not liking anyone"; the difference between asexuality and celibacy; etc.) and people couldn't seem to understand romantic love without the sexual element. To them, it seemed very similar to "being close friends". Although I know the difference in my mind, I had trouble articulating it. I talked about it in vague terms that I am pretty sure didn't connect with them. I really appreciated my classmates' efforts to understand asexuality, and I wanted to leave them with the best information. How should I go about explaining this?

[DanD90]

I think a good way to explain it would be bringing up how allosexual couples may not have sex for reasons other than asexuality. These could be: illness, injury, abstinence, celibacy, waiting for marriage, pregnancy, old age etc. Most people who agree that the couple would still be a couple. The fact that they don't have sex, or were having sex but have stopped due to whatever their circumstances may be does not in anyway invalidate their relationship.

[AceyMacey]

10 hours ago, DDavies40 said:

I think a good way to explain it would be bringing up how allosexual couples may not have sex for reasons other than asexuality. These could be: illness, injury, abstinence, celibacy, waiting for marriage, pregnancy, old age etc. Most people who agree that the couple would still be a couple. The fact that they don't have sex, or were having sex but have stopped due to whatever their circumstances may be does not in anyway invalidate their relationship.

 

9 hours ago, Moonman said:

I don't think you've had many responses to this because what you're asking is difficult to put into words. I tried replying last night but gave up after a while 😂

 

But, you could touch on the physical feelings, the way a person feels in a romantic relationship (for me; butterflies in the stomach, increased heart rate, sweaty clammy hands) is different to what you feel in a platonic relationship. I think that's something they would understand. You could talk about the intentions too, I want to be able to be vulnerable, to be accepted and to spend the rest of my life with somebody I have romantic feelings for, there's a greater passion that goes beyond just friendship. But yeah it is tough sometimes to put words to feelings. 

Thank you! These were both very helpful!

[Basrive]

On 4/20/2019 at 7:37 AM, Moonman said:

I don't think you've had many responses to this because what you're asking is difficult to put into words. I tried replying last night but gave up after a while 😂

 

But, you could touch on the physical feelings, the way a person feels in a romantic relationship (for me; butterflies in the stomach, increased heart rate, sweaty clammy hands) is different to what you feel in a platonic relationship. I think that's something they would understand. You could talk about the intentions too, I want to be able to be vulnerable, to be accepted and to spend the rest of my life with somebody I have romantic feelings for, there's a greater passion that goes beyond just friendship. But yeah it is tough sometimes to put words to feelings. 

I also waffled on a response. I think that the aro label applies to me, and I do get stupidly strong platonic feelings for people that involve butterflies, etc, that confused prior romantic partners (and myself). A lot of depictions of aro/aces online make us sound like friendship vampires, and that can be so far from the truth!

 

I’m probably technically in the grey area for aro-ness, since I find romantic things sorta draining and occasionally annoying. I do get a ton of joy from seeing my partners smile. I also take new friendships with cute boys *super* seriously, but my idea of romance is maybe hanging out by the beach and (horrors) holding hands. You can have sensual and aesthetic attraction to someone without romantic attraction, and those can be really intense. 

 

The thing is, if you can’t tell the difference between platonic feelings and romance, no one can really tell you.

 

[Edit]: I just learned what quoiromantic means, ignore everything I said above!  

 

 

Edited April 22, 2019 by Basrive
Learned something new!

[AshMagoo]

I started following this thread in the hopes to getting an answer for this question as well. I am planning on talking to my parents and family soon about me being aro/ace and I've been making sure I have all the right information to answer any questions they may have, but this one has been hard. 

When I think about the differences, I can feel they are different. As in aro, I have read so much on what romantic attraction is to understand it and I just don't feel that, but I do feel sensual and aesthetic attraction, so it can be confusing and from the outside look like romantic attraction, but inside I know its not. 

I hope that made some sense, what I mean is that I can understand my feelings and know the difference between friendship love and romantic love, but I don't know how to explain the difference. It's just a feeling and I don't know how to express it in words without confusing the people listening. I just hope those listening will trust me enough to understand myself and accept while they may not understand, as long as I understand then that's okay. 

[chairdesklamp]

To me, now, okay, I also did lose my good family members to death, and the ones left alive are some members of the white side who are white supremacists. So maybe there's also me having lacked family for 20+ years. 

 

But to me, loving a friend is a lot like loving a family member. My best friend is like the sister I never had. I had another who was like a brother, but he doesn't believe me on how abusive my ex-wife was (she was friends with his girlfriend) so I'm not as close to him as I was, and it IS devastating.

 

But aside from people who faithfully believe discredited Freud, most should be able to understand the difference between loving granma and loving your husband. They'll probably jump to the sexual component they'd have with their husbands and wives, but it should be a start.