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Asexual and sexual desire?


goldenflamingo

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goldenflamingo

Hello, I am just new to the community here! Heard of this place for a while now but I've started to seek answers about myself and asexuality in general, so I figured to sign up here! ^^ I will pack two questions up in this thread, so bear with me! And sorry, if this gets longer.

 

So I consider myself to be asexual. I am female and I had a boyfriend two years ago. In general I was kind of scared of touch in the beginning, so it took us a while so I could cuddle or kiss without worrying. But I never felt really interested in kissing, I don't feel much, and I was scared of sexual touch, but also never really interested. I really liked him a lot and I enjoyed spending time with him. I liked being close, but I never wanted to... really touch him or be sexual with him? Imagining it brought me questionable feelings and I certainly didn't feel turned on. I liked his appearance, he was aesthetically pleasing but not making me feel sexually interested, and after thinking about previous crushes and interests I discovered similar. We never got to the part where we actually had sex though, now I am 20 and I am still a virgin. I kind of got used to the fact "Okay I probably am asexual and I don't really want sex" but can I really tell when I never tried it? However when I just think back to the moment he and I kissed and he started to touch me and I was lying there like a log not really responding much? Partly scared, partly unknowing what to do, and partly not really interested either? This is asexuality, right?

 

For the other topic, since I never had sex to find out yet... I read a bit around in the forum first and saw the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire. I want to ask actually those people here, who may have sex for pleasuring their partner, being intimate or sharing those emotional connections via pleasure. I wonder about how it feels to have sex as asexual? By now I read everywhere that asexual people can still feel good and enjoy sex with another partner. But how does it... feel like? Is the mind somewhere being swept away by the feeling, just like when you masturbate? Can it still feel terribly good or electrifying? I just want to hear your experiences maybe to understand that. I wonder if I will ever be able to experience it but the future is unknown.

 

Thanks though for taking the time to read and also answering!

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NickyTannock

@goldenflamingo Welcome to AVEN!

 

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

And people experience this before having Sex, so the idea that you need to have sex to know that you're Asexual is backwards.

 

As for what sex feels like, I don't know, I'm 33, and I've never had sex, so I can't answer that question.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Golden Flamingo Cupcake,

36703592_2566677993357798_43201707095537

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I can try to help.  I'm not asexual myself, but my partner is and we've talked about that quite a bit.  We've also gone from sex is completely off the table, to a few times a month, so pretty big changes in his mindset.

 

First and foremost, never do anything you don't want to.  Your body will hate it and even if you could potentially enjoy the act of sex with someone, you certainly won't in that situation.  For my partner, I think that there were several things that went into play.  First off, he thought that sex with me for him felt like assisted masturbation.  It made him feel awful.  I don't orgasm during ptv intercourse so he didn't understand what the hell the point was for me to even do so.  I really had to make him understand that for me, sex isn't about the literal physical nature of the activity.  It's all about sharing myself in my most vulnerable way.  I love pleasing my partner, and that's really hard to do with an aro/ace.  He started to recognize my body language and my facial expressions and even though he feels no sexual attraction, I think he's actually starting to enjoy himself more during sex.  Does coming to climax make him feel good?  Yes.  Does it feel better than masturbation?  According to him, yes.  Does he seek sex from me knowing this?  No.  His reaction is always the same.  Yeah, it was good, but I really couldn't care less if I didn't do that again for the rest of my life.  He feels the same way about kissing, though for some reason he's really good at that.  He does these things for me, because he knows how much I love doing them with him.  He knows how much I love him, and he wants to give me what I need, just as much as I want to give him whatever he needs.

 

So, hopefully I helped you understand what it is like at least in my situation.  Everyone is different though.  Experience will vary between partners even.  Good luck on your journey of self discovery.  :)

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goldenflamingo
7 minutes ago, ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I can try to help.  I'm not asexual myself, but my partner is and we've talked about that quite a bit.  We've also gone from sex is completely off the table, to a few times a month, so pretty big changes in his mindset.

 

First and foremost, never do anything you don't want to.  Your body will hate it and even if you could potentially enjoy the act of sex with someone, you certainly won't in that situation.  For my partner, I think that there were several things that went into play.  First off, he thought that sex with me for him felt like assisted masturbation.  It made him feel awful.  I don't orgasm during ptv intercourse so he didn't understand what the hell the point was for me to even do so.  I really had to make him understand that for me, sex isn't about the literal physical nature of the activity.  It's all about sharing myself in my most vulnerable way.  I love pleasing my partner, and that's really hard to do with an aro/ace.  He started to recognize my body language and my facial expressions and even though he feels no sexual attraction, I think he's actually starting to enjoy himself more during sex.  Does coming to climax make him feel good?  Yes.  Does it feel better than masturbation?  According to him, yes.  Does he seek sex from me knowing this?  No.  His reaction is always the same.  Yeah, it was good, but I really couldn't care less if I didn't do that again for the rest of my life.  He feels the same way about kissing, though for some reason he's really good at that.  He does these things for me, because he knows how much I love doing them with him.  He knows how much I love him, and he wants to give me what I need, just as much as I want to give him whatever he needs.

 

So, hopefully I helped you understand what it is like at least in my situation.  Everyone is different though.  Experience will vary between partners even.  Good luck on your journey of self discovery.  :)

 

AH thanks for your reply!

So it is still rather an action to share intimacy with each other and for you to pleasure. So it does feel good but he doesn't quite need it. He still does it to please you as well and that you make each other happy? Sounds like a lovely relationship, if you understand each other well in that point. :) this helps me to understand it a bit ^^

 

And yes, I will see where I land. :) thank you

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It was like painting by numbers, but since there’s someone else there, like a fun paint night? But sometimes, you just get tired of painting and are totally fine getting up and having a snack, but your partner really wants you to help them finish this painting.

 

Without good communication, or being dense and not realizing that you’re ace (I thought I was demi for a while) that can get frustrating for everyone involved.

 

I’m happy for people that make it work, but I’ve been there, done that.

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2 hours ago, goldenflamingo said:

Hello, I am just new to the community here! Heard of this place for a while now but I've started to seek answers about myself and asexuality in general, so I figured to sign up here! ^^ I will pack two questions up in this thread, so bear with me! And sorry, if this gets longer.

 

So I consider myself to be asexual. I am female and I had a boyfriend two years ago. In general I was kind of scared of touch in the beginning, so it took us a while so I could cuddle or kiss without worrying. But I never felt really interested in kissing, I don't feel much, and I was scared of sexual touch, but also never really interested. I really liked him a lot and I enjoyed spending time with him. I liked being close, but I never wanted to... really touch him or be sexual with him? Imagining it brought me questionable feelings and I certainly didn't feel turned on. I liked his appearance, he was aesthetically pleasing but not making me feel sexually interested, and after thinking about previous crushes and interests I discovered similar. We never got to the part where we actually had sex though, now I am 20 and I am still a virgin. I kind of got used to the fact "Okay I probably am asexual and I don't really want sex" but can I really tell when I never tried it? However when I just think back to the moment he and I kissed and he started to touch me and I was lying there like a log not really responding much? Partly scared, partly unknowing what to do, and partly not really interested either? This is asexuality, right?

 

For the other topic, since I never had sex to find out yet... I read a bit around in the forum first and saw the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire. I want to ask actually those people here, who may have sex for pleasuring their partner, being intimate or sharing those emotional connections via pleasure. I wonder about how it feels to have sex as asexual? By now I read everywhere that asexual people can still feel good and enjoy sex with another partner. But how does it... feel like? Is the mind somewhere being swept away by the feeling, just like when you masturbate? Can it still feel terribly good or electrifying? I just want to hear your experiences maybe to understand that. I wonder if I will ever be able to experience it but the future is unknown.

 

Thanks though for taking the time to read and also answering!

I won’t label you but yes, based on that you may be asexual.

 

I’m a male asexual and I’m sex-positive. To me orgasms feel good, but the bit before is frankly a bit boring. Not good or bad, just a bit boring. It will likely be different for every person though.

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Asexuality is more about whether you actively desire sex with others, not about whether you might like it (if you tried it).  People are able to enjoy things yet still not feel driven to pursue them in the future.

 

Everything else I've had to say on this subject was said here.

There's other takes on it too.

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goldenflamingo
12 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

I won’t label you but yes, based on that you may be asexual.

 

I’m a male asexual and I’m sex-positive. To me orgasms feel good, but the bit before is frankly a bit boring. Not good or bad, just a bit boring. It will likely be different for every person though.

 

Ah I see! Another experience! Good to hear your opinion on it, thanks! :)

 

5 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Asexuality is more about whether you actively desire sex with others, not about whether you might like it (if you tried it).  People are able to enjoy things yet still not feel driven to pursue them in the future.

 

Everything else I've had to say on this subject was said here.

There's other takes on it too.

Thanks for the link! I will read it! :):) 

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goldenflamingo
40 minutes ago, Basrive said:

It was like painting by numbers, but since there’s someone else there, like a fun paint night? But sometimes, you just get tired of painting and are totally fine getting up and having a snack, but your partner really wants you to help them finish this painting.

 

Without good communication, or being dense and not realizing that you’re ace (I thought I was demi for a while) that can get frustrating for everyone involved.

 

I’m happy for people that make it work, but I’ve been there, done that.

Well yeah I told him when it troubled me that something wasn't right. And he said we'll figure something out, but our interests were too different and other problems came up. But yeah, communication is indeed important.

 

I see I see 😮 

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Another thing, I think a lot of people (both ace and not) go through "questioning" phases to see what they like.  For instance, an ace might pursue one sexual encounter to see if it's all it's cracked up to be, or someone who mostly thought of themself as straight might "experiment" with someone of their own sex.

 

I (and I think most people here are in agreement on this) don't feel that a curiosity is necessarily indicative of one's sexuality.  If you've sated that curiosity, find out that you like it, and that it's something you want more of... then yeah, that would perhaps be time to reevaluate one's label.

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goldenflamingo
6 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Another thing, I think a lot of people (both ace and not) go through "questioning" phases to see what they like.  For instance, an ace might pursue one sexual encounter to see if it's all it's cracked up to be, or someone who mostly thought of themself as straight might "experiment" with someone of their own sex.

 

I (and I think most people here are in agreement on this) don't feel that a curiosity is necessarily indicative of one's sexuality.  If you've sated that curiosity, find out that you like it, and that it's something you want more of... then yeah, that would perhaps be time to reevaluate one's label.

Well yeah. The curiosity is such a weird thing. I do kind of want to know if actually having sex could change my point of view. But the lacking interest at the same time... it feels paradox. And since I could never sleep with someone I don't love at least, I will see with time if a chance comes up. I think the most important thing is to just figure out life and what oneself wants and not restrict yourself to one label. Though I identify as asexual, maybe I am not? Maybe I am demi? Maybe I didn't find a person I deeply love yet? Who knows? Not me. Only time will tell ^^

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I don't think - in answer to the second question - that I can really describe it. For me and as a man it doesn't feel especially intimate, although I think for my partner it does. I don't really experience orgasms and don't like at all the feelings involved in ejaculating in another person's body, so typically I don't.

To be honest for me it's really a means to a nice cuddle. My girlfriend often goes to sleep afterwards with her head on my shoulder, which I like 100 times more than what goes before.

Hope that's of some use, sorry for all the details.

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goldenflamingo
3 minutes ago, Samule said:

I don't think - in answer to the second question - that I can really describe it. For me and as a man it doesn't feel especially intimate, although I think for my partner it does. I don't really experience orgasms and don't like at all the feelings involved in ejaculating in another person's body, so typically I don't.

To be honest for me it's really a means to a nice cuddle. My girlfriend often goes to sleep afterwards with her head on my shoulder, which I like 100 times more than what goes before.

Hope that's of some use, sorry for all the details.

no need to apologize. It's good to hear them, so I understand your view better! Thank you!

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Maybe I should have said as well that what I was describing is the way things are now, after getting over the initial weirdness of it all. Before that it was unrewarding (all round) and sometimes actively unpleasant. That went on for a couple of months or so.  So in my case it definitely changed, and for the better, but really I knew very little at the time about my own sexuality and of asexuality being a legitimate thing.

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Chamomile_Serenity
15 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Asexuality is more about whether you actively desire sex with others, not about whether you might like it (if you tried it).  People are able to enjoy things yet still not feel driven to pursue them in the future.

I agree with what was... errr... typed there. I believe everyone feels different things anyway so one person can say that as an ace they had amaze-ball sex and another might tell you "*yawn, chocolate mousse cake is better" . I know there are typically 3 categories of asexuals when it comes to sex. Sex averse, sex indifferent, and sex positive. I happen to be indifferent. I was indifferent before I knew about asexuality and that didn't change when I got married and subsequently when I divorced. It sounds like you're simply curious. And I think that desiring sex is not the same as being curious about sex and wanting to know how it feels. Curiosity is like science to me, you just want to see what the "truth" is about something not because you year for it specifically, but because you want to dissect it to understand it and I personally don't think there's anything wrong with curiosity, you will still be you. 

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55 minutes ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I agree with what was... errr... typed there. I believe everyone feels different things anyway so one person can say that as an ace they had amaze-ball sex and another might tell you "*yawn, chocolate mousse cake is better" . I know there are typically 3 categories of asexuals when it comes to sex. Sex averse, sex indifferent, and sex positive. I happen to be indifferent. I was indifferent before I knew about asexuality and that didn't change when I got married and subsequently when I divorced. It sounds like you're simply curious. And I think that desiring sex is not the same as being curious about sex and wanting to know how it feels. Curiosity is like science to me, you just want to see what the "truth" is about something not because you year for it specifically, but because you want to dissect it to understand it and I personally don't think there's anything wrong with curiosity, you will still be you. 

I second this. And now fancy chocolate mousse cake.

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goldenflamingo
12 hours ago, Samule said:

Maybe I should have said as well that what I was describing is the way things are now, after getting over the initial weirdness of it all. Before that it was unrewarding (all round) and sometimes actively unpleasant. That went on for a couple of months or so.  So in my case it definitely changed, and for the better, but really I knew very little at the time about my own sexuality and of asexuality being a legitimate thing.

 

Ah okay. Well life's a journey. And to see it went uphill with you, it's good. :D

 

4 hours ago, Chamomile_Serenity said:

I agree with what was... errr... typed there. I believe everyone feels different things anyway so one person can say that as an ace they had amaze-ball sex and another might tell you "*yawn, chocolate mousse cake is better" . I know there are typically 3 categories of asexuals when it comes to sex. Sex averse, sex indifferent, and sex positive. I happen to be indifferent. I was indifferent before I knew about asexuality and that didn't change when I got married and subsequently when I divorced. It sounds like you're simply curious. And I think that desiring sex is not the same as being curious about sex and wanting to know how it feels. Curiosity is like science to me, you just want to see what the "truth" is about something not because you year for it specifically, but because you want to dissect it to understand it and I personally don't think there's anything wrong with curiosity, you will still be you. 

Yeah, I sure understand that people feel different about it. I just wanted to hear some experiences to understand the broad spectrum a bit better and to see how it is for other people. For me, I am curious about it, but I don't know if I would try it because general anxiety, being too conscious of the moment, I don't know. Only time can tell if I will ever try. 

 

3 hours ago, Iam9man said:

I second this. And now fancy chocolate mousse cake.

I honestly want some too. :( 

 

22 minutes ago, CBC said:

Not necessarily. Many sexual people would respond that way if they were a combination of things like anxious, inexperienced, uncomfortable, not mentally/emotionally ready for sex yet, etc.

 

I'm not saying you aren't asexual; you may well be. Just that those things don't automatically make you asexual.

 

yes sure, but the fact that I never wanted to and can't imagine to, is rather pointing towards asexuality though. Of course a lot of things flow together in my case which could fake the truth so I can't say for sure, but in my opinion asexuality still describes me best. :) 

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everywhere and nowhere
1 hour ago, goldenflamingo said:

Yeah, I sure understand that people feel different about it. I just wanted to hear some experiences to understand the broad spectrum a bit better and to see how it is for other people. For me, I am curious about it, but I don't know if I would try it because general anxiety, being too conscious of the moment, I don't know. Only time can tell if I will ever try. 

You don't have to have sex. Don't do it if you feel uncomfortable about it, don't let potential partners pressure or guilt you into having sex if you aren't sure about wanting to try. Sex is not universally good and having sex because of pressure, because a sex-free lifestyle is not acknowledged as fully valid, can be a traumatic experience. If you feel that you would have to push yourself to do it, it's a good indicator that it probably wouldn't be a positive experience.

I'm very much sex-averse. No bad experiences (or any partnered sexual experiences), just a very early developed discomfort with nudity, which goes way beyond the kind of ambarassment about nudity which most people experience. For me there are no exceptions, I couldn't stand being seen naked under any circumstances. Because of my sex aversion, I always feel a need to stress that for some people sex is an extremely serious decision which can never be taken lightly. People are diverse in their sexualities. Some love sex. Some don't like it and aren't even able to desire it. What I can't accept is when some people who declare "sex positivity" say that this diversity should be acknowledged - but push all the sex-disliking side into the area of pathology. Not everyone has to have sex. Not everyone has to like sex. And since nobody should have unwanted sex, simply not wanting to have sex is always a good enough reason not to have it.

And just by the way: I too feel some level of curiousity. But the idea of personally having sex feels so horrible to me that I just know that I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't regret it in any way. I'm proud of living my life as I want and not giving in to social pressure.

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goldenflamingo
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

You don't have to have sex. Don't do it if you feel uncomfortable about it, don't let potential partners pressure or guilt you into having sex if you aren't sure about wanting to try. Sex is not universally good and having sex because of pressure, because a sex-free lifestyle is not acknowledged as fully valid, can be a traumatic experience. If you feel that you would have to push yourself to do it, it's a good indicator that it probably wouldn't be a positive experience.

I'm very much sex-averse. No bad experiences (or any partnered sexual experiences), just a very early developed discomfort with nudity, which goes way beyond the kind of ambarassment about nudity which most people experience. For me there are no exceptions, I couldn't stand being seen naked under any circumstances. Because of my sex aversion, I always feel a need to stress that for some people sex is an extremely serious decision which can never be taken lightly. People are diverse in their sexualities. Some love sex. Some don't like it and aren't even able to desire it. What I can't accept is when some people who declare "sex positivity" say that this diversity should be acknowledged - but push all the sex-disliking side into the area of pathology. Not everyone has to have sex. Not everyone has to like sex. And since nobody should have unwanted sex, simply not wanting to have sex is always a good enough reason not to have it.

And just by the way: I too feel some level of curiousity. But the idea of personally having sex feels so horrible to me that I just know that I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't regret it in any way. I'm proud of living my life as I want and not giving in to social pressure.

I too am not comfortable with nudity in front of others. Something that has annoyed me since forever and one of the reasons I don't stand good with sex and why I never had any yet. Of course I wouldn't let myself be pressured into something I absolutely don't feel ready for, don't worry. But being curious just stays. 

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