Older married asexuals?

[HelpImLost]

@Chewchew  

I’m trying to figure things out too with my husband. We never talked about sex. The closest was me telling him I have low sexual drive early in our relationship. And then he misconstrued that into, if he works harder I’d want more!  So when I didn’t want more it spiraled in his head that I must be getting it somewhere else. 💔
it all came to a breaking point. I feared for our marriage. But discovering I’m asexual and then forcing communication on us has been our lifeline. We talked about everything regarding sex and our relationship.  We shoved the social norms out the window. Those social norms were what got us here in first place 😡 

since having honest communication on a regular basis about sex and our past present and future it has helped.   We both have very different outlooks. I don’t know what it’s like want sex all the time. He doesn’t know what it’s like never think about sex.   Together we’ve been able to help each other and find compromise. 
also our individual therapist have been good for us. 
everyone and every relationship will be different. But the thing I hear over and over is communication. 
 

[ho_the_megapode]

Hi, I'm new to the community and could really use some advice. I'm 35, married for 6 years, and told my husband last fall that I was ace. It took me almost a year to come to terms with it before I told him, and I'm still not in a great place acceptance-wise. My husband has taken it REALLY hard. Although he never blames me or gets angry, and has been completely respectful about me not wanting sex since I told him, he's internalized all this self-loathing. He feels sexually traumatized and betrayed, and even though I've put polyamory on the table, he feels like he'll never be able to connect sexually with someone ever again. He hates his body and who he is as a person, and has no hope for future happiness. Seeing him feel this way and feeling guilty myself for causing it is killing me. Has anyone's spouse been through anything like this, or know any resources that might be helpful? Sorry for the downer post, but I'm desperate for help.

[Siena71]

@ho_the_megapode Unfortunately I have no words of advice as I am in almost the same situation as you, but just wanted to say "Hi" and know that you are not alone. I'm 50 and have only just figured out I am ACE and my husband and I have not have had that conversation yet, but he suspects. Maybe he could come here and connect with others sexuals in relationship with ace's. I personally found the PDF book "Asexuality: A Brief Introduction" to be so very helpful and am planning on printing it and highlighting relevant section for my husband. The last section as particularly funny! 

All the best.

[Passer]

I want to share my experience on this topic too, because I found it very comforting to read about people that share similar situations with me and I hope to be able to return that favor to others.

 

My husband and I have been together for twenty years now and he was my first, some mostly onesided teenage fumbling aside. We have a good relationship, he's my best friend. In the early years of our relationship the differences in our want or need for sex weren't that noticeable. Over the years we had our ups and downs when it came to our sex life and it was often cause for tension or even fighting about it (mostly heated discussions late at night with lots of tears on my side). My interest in sex would fluctuate a lot and was heavily influenced by how I was feeling, the situation that I was in and other circumstances. I always tried to find something to blame for my lack of interest in sex, and could often find something pretty easy. Somewhere deep down I think I knew that the reason was an intrinsic part of me, but it was hard to bring that up whenever we talked about it.

Discussions about (lack of) sex almost always have me crying, because there's a lot of guilt involved. The whole 'he already does so much for me and the kids, I should be able to do this for him' is deeply ingrained in me. So me not having much of an interest in sex translates easily into me having no interest in my husband or not loving him (enough). It's also how he feels whenever I reject his avances and he can be very offended, hurt or upset about it, especially when I reject him multiple times in a week. Often he rolls away completely, leaving me with the feeling that simply hugging is not enough for him. On the other hand I understand that he needs some space to work through his feelings about getting rejected. 

 

To my husband sex is very important. It's his way of showing he loves me and that he finds me attractive. He also likes to relax after a long day with sex or he simply wants it because he's bored and/or the opportunity is there. He's also a very attentive lover, always wanting to make me feel good. So it's hard for him to  understand why I don't want sex. Especially when the reason is: "Meh, I just don't feel like it." Most of the times when we have sex I do it for him and to keep the negative tension away from our relationship. I am mostly okay with that. When life is good for me, it's easier for me to go with his flow than when I'm stressed or feeling down or just spending too much time in my head.

He respects me, of course, and he will never force me to do anything against my will. That said, he does have a way of asking for it repeatedly (via touch or plain asking) and not taking no for an answer right away. I think it stems mostly from a form of disbelief, like 'it feels good to have sex, so why wouldn't you want it?'. 

My discomfort with him not backing down after hearing 'no' the first time is something that I've only recently been putting into words (hello guilt!), so we're working on that. 

 

After finding out about asexuality (and more importantly that I recognise a lot of myself in it!), I've been reading up about it and this week we finally had a long discussion about it. It was a good talk. The first time (a while back) he heard me tentatively labelling myself as graysexual, he denied that I could be ace ( I think mostly because we have sex every week and I am able to enjoy sex). But, hearing more about how I feel about having sex, made him understand me better. It also felt very freeing to talk about it. At one point I felt very stupid about only talking about it now, after twenty years. But I guess I didn't have the right knowledge or life experiences earlier to get to this point.

He mostly wanted to know how we can continue from here, especially when it comes to having sex. We talked about what I like and don't like and he was very positive about the new opportunities he saw for us. It was almost like he saw us having more sex than we are having now, but he assured me he understood I'm still likely to say no to sex. 

 

I'm curious to see how we'll go from here. I guess in my ideal world we would only have sex when I really feel like it (which is usually few and far between), but I also recognise his needs and that means we have to find each other somewhere in the middle. I think talking about asexuality helps defining that middle ground better, removing hurtful ideas like "she doesn't love me".

[Adlena]

I'm an asexual Male married to a sexual woman. We have a great relationship in terms of companionship and support for eachother and we do love eachother. I told my wife that I was asexual before we got married and I think actually  tried to put her off the idea that we get married. We tried to fix me and I used medication for erectile dysfunction for a while when we were going out together. It didnt work. I just dont find sex at all appealing. There is guilt involved for me too like the last poster..because I love my wife I would like to give her a sex life with me. We definitely have an unusual marriage. It seems to work for us though. Before we got married my wife told me that a life with no sex ever again obviously wasnt an attractive option for her and some form of polyamory would need to be involved. This is what has happened..its not always easy for either of us and its unconventional for a reason but we both accept that it is necessary if we are to be together which we both want and need. We are meant to share life together. 

[MidnightStar]

Similar situation here. I told my husband I am asexual a year ago and we haven’t had sex since. We are great friends and I love him but I am bracing myself for a divorce in the next few years. We have kids together and I think if it weren’t for them he would leave sooner rather than later. I’m OK with divorce because I’d rather divorce after 13 years than continue to have unwanted sex for the next 40 years until I die. We talked about opening up the relationship but if he’s looking around at his options outside of marriage, I want my end open as well to find someone I’m more compatible with (ace) and once I mentioned it would have to be open on both ends he quickly veto’d the idea. 

[ZeroIntimacy]

I'm "high interest" and my hubs is asexual. We've been married 19 years. We have not had sex since 2019 (It's 2022 now) and before that it was fewer than 10x a year. I feel that connection and intimacy are hugely important. I know he loves me but he's happy holding hands and I'm not. After being shamed and made to feel like I was the weird and inappropriate one for sooo damn long, I'm not attracted to him at all anymore.

I've read loads of books about human sexuality and when I came across people who are "Ace", it all made loads of sense to me.

I'm reeling because I know I need to cut the cord and move on with my life. The first "red flag" was when he wanted us to wait to have sex for 7 months when we first dated. It was terrible for me but I stayed. Now we have a teenage daughter and he's the main financial provider so I feel stuck. Sexual interest has never really been on his radar. He rarely if ever initiated sex or intimacy of any kind. Although I'm thin and attractive for a mid 50s woman, I don't feel that way when intimacy and lack of connection are lacking.

I do believe it's affected my mental health. I've asked him for an open relationship and he refused so now I'm thinking that a divorce is the only option.

It's time to carve out a new life and be with someone who is more aligned with my sexual needs. I've never been so scared in my life but I know it's the right thing to do and I'll be happier when I leave (eventually). It's never too late!

[NeverNotBroken]

I can relate to so much of all of these posts.

 

I'm 41, Married for 15 years, no kids. New Years Eve 2021 is when I finally came to the realization that I was asexual and had that discussion with my husband. It was an EXTREMELY emotional New Years.

 

As mentioned by others - I felt that sex was a duty. I found it more of a chore and one I wasn't particularly fond of. (Like cleaning around toilets, yuck! but it had to be done)

Growing up - I was of the mindset that to have a relationship you had to put out. I couldn't date if I didn't put out.  I can't think of a single experience growing up where sex wasnt awkward, something wasnt clicking, I was always in my head. Am I moving right? Making enough sounds? Practicing my kegels or anything else.  Sensations were enjoyable but the expectation to " Get there" this fireworks explosion thing was a huge stresser, because to me, the sensation felt good but like getting a massage - there's no "grand finale".

 

Once my husband I spoke I had this HUGE cloud hanging over my head of - what does this mean for our future?  He is a sexual person, enjoys sex. And I would be afraid to go to bed naked (which is how I've slept for YEARS, even before dating) because it would always inadvertently lead to sex. Coming out and having this discussion has given my ability to navigate our house or sleep how I want without the fear that it would lead to sex.  It's been about 5 months with out sex, 5 months being able to go to bed naked if I choose and not worry that I'd be pawed at.

 

A few months earlier he admitted to me that he thought he may be bi - even before my realization of being ace  - we discussed opening things up to let him explore this realization.

 

Last night was his first more meaningful encounter and I realized what my biggest fear is in this adventure. Secrets. My husband and I have shared everything in the past 15 years. There aren't secrets. We've worked the same jobs together, have the same friends etc. For 15 years.  And I want to give him the time to process how he feels and not push him for information to calm my inner demons and fears, but I also am over hear internally freaking out.  Its not because he might be sleeping with someone else or has, its that there's a whole new side of him that I wont know.  He has been my ride or die for years. I haven't figured out how I'd feel if it was another woman - And I hate myself a bit for having these apprehensions and concerns because I pride myself in being forward thinking, accepting, etc. I have a ways to go, but I know that in his adventures beyond our relationship to obtain sex, its not meant to hurt me in any ways, its not going to change that we are best friends. Its like him liking icecream and I'm lactose intolerant. Or something like that. My inner demons keep telling me - is sex really that important to need to go out and get it elsewhere when there's a potential to up-heave our relationship?  but I know that's just projecting my value on sex. And that isn't fair to him.  Because we talk about everything (granted, not always very well) and we talk through everything - I am certain our relationship will stay strong - its just a matter of navigating new waters, (Since I have thalassophobia, this new waters correlates so well LOL) and figuring out what we need to work through and what our new 'normal' is.

 

I struggle with sex. bodily fluids gross me out. The male nether regions gross me out and always have. I still get aroused - though VERY Rare, but I take care of it myself. Usually when he is not around because I don't want him to revert to pawing and such just to 'roll one out ' with me.  Figuring out that I'm asexual has helped me understand that the way I think about sex is very different than other people. I legitimately thought it was odd that people could look at someone and think "Oh Yeah! I'd love to get him/her/them in bed" was a joke or very shallow. Figuring this out has allowed my husband and I to compare notes (so to speak) on thought processes. Its helped us understand each other a lot more and respect each other a lot more.

 

 

I feel like I went down a lot of different tangents - but - welcome to my brain - its certainly not linear in here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MidnightStar]

@NeverNotBroken I think you are very brave for both sharing your story and letting your husband explore his sexuality. have you considered opening up the marriage on your end too? Obviously not because you want sex but maybe to have a peek around to find someone your more compatible with (someone Ace) ? I told my husband if he wants an open marriage it will be open on both ends. If he’s looking around, so am I. So far he’s declined 

[NeverNotBroken]

@MidnightStar - all I'm looking for is friends. (We moved to a new state, don't know anyone here)  We've not talked about it because I've not even thought about it. It would be great to find some Ace friends that are local. Surprisingly enough I met my first ace person yesterday at our house. We hosted several people from a chat group and made food and played board games.

 

I just poked my head in on my husband and raised your question - I wasn't concerned - as I knew he would support me if I wanted to explore that - and he has no problem with it. He trusts me as much as I trust him.  We do talk about what he does and goes through - to consider how he'd feel if I did the same - during this exploration that he is doing. Even though I've not found any need to explore or find someone I'm "more compatible" with.  He is my best friend more than he is my husband. I'm extremely compatible with him. He just has some needs that I can't help him with. 

[Jenjenie]

It is very good to read all those messages, I really see myself. I am disappointed that it looks like it is not a phase in our marriage, happy that I found out why. Its a roller-coaster. 

[Latestarter]

There’s so much in here that reflects how I and my husband feel and the various degrees of compromise and levels of acceptance that may take place from both partners.  Communication is a common theme and I agree with this absolutely.  The lack of true understanding of how the other person feels makes everything difficult.

 

I am the asexual wife in a 35 year marriage which produced 2 sons now in their 20’s.  I discovered asexuality 3 weeks ago and everyone’s stories, whether from the sexual husband or the asexual wife/husband make sense.  What I really struggle with is the perspective of the sexual wife and I really wish that I could feel like they do about sex.

TMI WARNING 

I don’t feel aroused very often and when I do it is not something I want to share with a partner.  The comment on having sex as a release I can only relate to masturbation which I would never let anyone know about or participate in.  I can only get an orgasm using sex toys anyway, I feel nothing doing it myself.  This is why I can’t relate to a woman being sexual. To me it’s always been something expected of me, something I’ve had to put up with, something I’ve had done to me (in a way similar to rape).

 

I wish I was different as I am sure my life and that of my husband would have been far happier but I’m not, and at least I do now know that I’m not alone/odd/frigid.

 

Please continue to share your situations, conversations, compromises and solutions because they may not be something that can apply to or be used directly by others but it does help to know that many others are also suffering and surviving and even thriving in our shared difficult circumstances.

[Passer]

On 5/29/2022 at 5:17 PM, NeverNotBroken said:

  Figuring out that I'm asexual has helped me understand that the way I think about sex is very different than other people. I legitimately thought it was odd that people could look at someone and think "Oh Yeah! I'd love to get him/her/them in bed" was a joke or very shallow. Figuring this out has allowed my husband and I to compare notes (so to speak) on thought processes. Its helped us understand each other a lot more and respect each other a lot more.

 

 

I feel like I went down a lot of different tangents - but - welcome to my brain - its certainly not linear in here

 

I would love to 'compare notes' more with my husband. We sometimes do, a bit, but it's always a very emotional conversation because I feel like I'm letting him down. He in turn - understandably - doesn't like (or even want) to hear that I don't desire him sexually. 

I'd be open to put it all down on paper for him, but that's not his style and I fear the message wouldn't translate all that well without voice infliction and facial expressions. 

 

Also @NeverNotBroken, if you don't mind me asking, how are things between you and your husband now he's been able to explore things outside your relationship more? (please ignore my question if you don't feel comfortable answering!)

[Chanah]

Yes, there are older asexual married folks. You are not alone.

 

I was married for 28 years until my divorce last year. I wasn't always asexual but after menopause my libido dropped drastically and my husband just could not understand nor continue to love me without that component to our marriage. I did try to explain my body and my emotions. 

 

It is so encouraging to find this site and to read AnnaAce's entry and each of your replies and stories!

 

 

[Latestarter]

 

I would love to 'compare notes' more with my husband. We sometimes do, a bit, but it's always a very emotional conversation because I feel like I'm letting him down. He in turn - understandably - doesn't like (or even want) to hear that I don't desire him sexually. 

 

My husband and I have only just been able to begin opening up our feelings to each other. It’s hugely painful and we both spend quite a lot of the time crying but it is helping.  Even though we’ve not even slept in the same bedroom for years he had the hope (somehow) that it might change.  Now the future he thought he might have has been destroyed for him.  It was really the discovery of the term asexual that changed everything for us and the shared experiences and discussions on this site have helped enormously. 

[Passer]

On 9/9/2022 at 6:25 PM, Latestarter said:

My husband and I have only just been able to begin opening up our feelings to each other. It’s hugely painful and we both spend quite a lot of the time crying but it is helping.  Even though we’ve not even slept in the same bedroom for years he had the hope (somehow) that it might change.  Now the future he thought he might have has been destroyed for him.  It was really the discovery of the term asexual that changed everything for us and the shared experiences and discussions on this site have helped enormously. 

If you didn't really talk about feelings before, what got you to sleep in separate rooms? Snoring perhaps? (Could be sleep apnea, there are solutions to that) (just talking from experience here)

I wouldn’t want to sleep in separate beds, let alone different rooms. I'd miss the intimacy of (literal) sleeping together. I'd have trouble upping the intimacy during the day (we have young kids) to compensate. 

[Latestarter]

Baby initially. He had to get up for work and I was on maternity leave. After that snoring and both having different sleep patterns which annoyed us both and resulted in lack of sleep. Couldn’t do our jobs without fully functioning brains.  Too little sleep was not working.  Gradually led to growing apart and resentment.  He still tried to be sexual but I relished not having to do so.  Realised I was never really interested in the first place. Lack of understanding of each other, more resentment, lack of communication, less understanding. Continued for sake of children.  Don’t have sexual feelings towards him or anyone else.

[Passer]

10 hours ago, Latestarter said:

Baby initially. He had to get up for work and I was on maternity leave. After that snoring and both having different sleep patterns which annoyed us both and resulted in lack of sleep. Couldn’t do our jobs without fully functioning brains.  Too little sleep was not working.  Gradually led to growing apart and resentment.  He still tried to be sexual but I relished not having to do so.  Realised I was never really interested in the first place. Lack of understanding of each other, more resentment, lack of communication, less understanding. Continued for sake of children.  Don’t have sexual feelings towards him or anyone else.

I'm sorry to hear your relationship is so rocky. Sounds like there’s more than one reason, not just the asexuality...

[Baf_1118]

I’m in my 40s, been married 13 years, two kids, and only recently found out I am most likely asexual.

 

My situation has brought a good deal of pain to our couple, mainly because - as others said - my wife felt not desired for a long time. Now we have decided to open our relationship from her side, on her request, and I have talked about that in another thread.

 

I honestly don’t know or can’t even imagine how things will evolve for us. But deep down I know that knowing that I am asexual is better than not knowing and trying to fit into somebody else’s stereotypes. It’s painful, sure, but not knowing was not even a bit easier.

 

Very glad to have found this community and this thread.

[daveb]

@Baf_1118, welcome and  !

And best wishes!

[Latestarter]

I’ve just read through this thread from the beginning again, not realising at first that I’d posted on it and thinking all the way through that everything I feel is being said by others. 

@Passer I think you are correct in saying “I'm sorry to hear your relationship is so rocky. Sounds like there’s more than one reason, not just the asexuality...” although I think the asexuality has been the cause of everything else.

 

All I wanted was to fit in with the norm.  I was afraid of being alone because as an only child and being very shy I was always lonely.  I had one night stands and two longer but unsatisfactory relationships before I met my husband.  The first didn’t ring any alarm bells as I was only 17, although when my parents realised I’d lost my virginity my mum made me promise that I wouldn’t do that again (very strange I know!).  
 

Although my second relationship whilst at university lasted a couple of years it wasn’t long before I didn’t want sex, awkward when sharing a single bed.  The comment that sticks with me is him saying that the relationship couldn’t work because he wanted sex and I didn’t.

 

When I met my husband I did fall in love with him and did want sex but it wasn’t what everyone else said it would be ie the earth moving, wonderful feeling, like nothing else I had ever experienced etc.  For me it was an anti-climax (appropriate pun!) and I just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible so I faked it.

 

My husband had only had one girlfriend which lasted a very short time and he was also terrified of being alone (very traumatic life) so we seemed the perfect match.  Added to that he was happy for a low level of sex as long as there was some.  It became clear that my reasons for sex were very different to his. I wanted children and he didn’t, again due to his past.

 

After 12 years we compromised, I got pregnant and we got married.  Our standard of living continued to improve and we love our children but now they are grown up there is very little left other than the same feeling that we don’t want to be alone and we can’t afford to live apart.

 

We all have different problems, solutions, compromises, acceptance etc but it seems that most sexual/asexual marriages are never going to be ideal.  I wish so much that I was sexual and could desire sex for the pleasure it is said to bring to both partners. I can’t ever experience that and it makes me so sad, as well as hurting my husband so much when his life has been horrendous since childhood.

 

Well that was depressing.  Thank you so much if you managed to read to the end.

[Baf_1118]

On 10/11/2022 at 1:38 PM, Latestarter said:

but now they are grown up there is very little left other than the same feeling that we don’t want to be alone and we can’t afford to live apart.

This resonates so much, even though my wife and I are in an earlier stage of our journey and our kids are still kids.

 

I am coming to believe that the solidity of a relationship - the being together, the doing things together, the helping each other, the scheduling of days and weeks, and in general the feeling of not being alone in this life - is just as important as the excitement, the intimacy, the sexuality. Provided, I have rarely experienced the latter.

 

We are sold the idea that everything should be easy and idyllic, but actually it is a challenge to be with someone for a long time. If you can find comfort in the routine and the day-to-day and the being together, that is valuable. If both of you can find comfort in it, that is precious.

 

Perhaps I am just telling myself a story, but it helps me sometimes, these days.

[Latestarter]

I think the same applies to sexual relationships. The honeymoon period might last weeks, months or even years but it’s a very lucky couple where this lasts all their married lives, (my sister-in-law is one).  Possibly one reason why there are so many divorces, especially when there are no children involved.  The ‘spark’ may go but the shared experiences, the history and the friendship can remain.  The strength of this is what keeps many long marriages going, with or without sex.

 

My mum always said that marriage is hard work and people these days are too lazy and selfish to keep going.  My dad died a week before their 65th wedding anniversary and they rarely spent a day apart.  She’s 95 now and has forgotten he died 7 years ago but I usually agree with her opinion, although there are days when I can’t see the point of continuing.  It’s then that I revert back to the default position of not wanting to be alone.

[chalyse]

Not sure where this might really fit to be posted. And, I want to say up front that each person and relationship is different - hoping that what I share is not experienced as intrusive, unwanted, or uninformed advice. Just my own experience and reflections on the overall thread topic.I am married and grey-sexual, in a mutally agreed upon sex-less marriage. Notably, we married when already older and had managed to communicate our acceptance of no-sex for our marriage ahead of time, so that is possibly a point of difference in experience and perspective.

 

Still, going through the process of initially assuming a relationship meant sexual expectations, to the point where we openly agreed to exclude it, nevertheless brought up some fears and hesitations, and saw us rely on some shared "excuses" for wanting and needing to adjust our expectations. And, for us, the companionship, partnership, shared laughter, trust and copasetic lifestyles were enough to infuse our partnership and eventual marriage with joyful, productive long-term happiness.

 

Don't get me wrong, we've also struggled at times. What I found most helpful, though, was that we fell into openly promoting all the other very important ways that we feel love for each other. It eases that sense that "maybe they don't love me because there's no physical union to confirm it." Instead, we routinely thank each other for the responsibilities and initiatives we make for the other's benefit, and for doing things we know the other will enjoy or find heart-warming, We've explored hobbies together and now share some joint ones, and frequently celebrate individual and mutual achievements, etc. Sure, occasionally our "I love you's" are said with a bit of a growl, but we know to either work out whatever is bothering us or to make the adjustments needed to lessen irritations until the joy of being together returns.

 

I've assured my partner that if he ever does develop a need for sex that he is free to explore it "outside" as long as I never know about it and it never "reaches our relationship or home" in any way. I don't feel the need for the same open agreement, but if it would happen, I'd ask the same for myself. I know it would require additional work on expanding those other bridges that connect our relationship together, and I would never engage in it if it would threaten our marriage.

 

So, even when asexuality is understood and agreed from the start, even those relationships evolve and need maintenance, including expectations and boundaries about physical intimacy. Navigating an intentionally asexual marriage just may afford a bit more space in which to find time and reflection for handling the ups and downs found in any work-in-progress. The reality of mutually agreed sex-less unions can be very much "just the right thing" even when society may teach or push for a very different scenario. To me, though, asexuality in marriage is as normal as eliminating something that causes one or both an allergic reaction and finding other things to substitute and meet the need for that "missing" item on the marriage menu. Lots of potential things to choose from when they are searched out. 💞

 

 

 

 

[Latestarter]

You have made this sound just as I imagined an asexual marriage to be and expressed it so eloquently.  I hope that you continue to adapt and evolve.  You both seem to take an honest and sensible approach to your relationship and it’s probably a much more stable marriage than many more conventional ones.  Thank you for sharing this.

[chalyse]

Thanks, Latestarter 💜 Iv'e been so lucky, albeit late in life, that my sense of relief motivates me to "tend our garden" more than I ever had before. I did part with a failed marriage in the early 1990s, in part based on the incompatibility we had (GrAce/Allo). It took me that long, and that experience, to realize I needed time and space to sort out my true self. Best investment of time ever, though ocassionaly lonely in a way that having no other like-minded souls to relate to makes harder.

 

After nearly a decade later, without dating or a relationship, I met my second partner online twenty years ago on a discussion board format similar to here (general topics boards were the only "social media" back then). After relocating nearly a decade later to move in together, we got married about 10 years ago. Twenty-one years of navigating the process of mutually embracing what we wanted and needed from relationship is the most precious gift life has afforded me.

 

I wish such luck, even and especially at late start, for everyone who has been wise and patient enough to sort through their own realities, too. 🤗

[aa_exploring]

On 9/6/2019 at 11:59 PM, IntrovertPolyglot said:

I've been married for 11 years, didn't find it asexuality was even a thing until a few years ago and assumed at first that it couldn't apply to me because I'm married. It took a while but I've been comfortable now with the label for a year or so. I don't think I'll ever tell my husband, because I'm worried he'd feel like the marriage up til now has been "fake", although that's not the case. He's already willing to stick with things I'm comfortable doing and not doing the things that would be a problem for me, so I don't see what would be gained. It helps that neither of us had a lot of relationship experience before we got married, so we're not measuring ourselves against expectations from other relationships. 

I am in the same boat, but i keep feeling it's unfair on my part to keep my husband away from the sexual experience he could have had, if it wasn't for me. I tried telling him, he doesn't believe me and neither force me for sex. But i want him to move out and explore for himself and I also want to explore my world...

[Latestarter]

I’m sorry you are finding things difficult at the moment.  Is there a way to develop the communication between you so that you can understand each other better?