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A little confused...


Meowcap

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Hi

 

I’m new here so I’d like to say hello and tell you guys about my story

 

I guess it’s best to start from the beginning. First of all, I identify as a lesbian and I am a cis woman. I have never been with a cis man. I have never experienced any sexual abuse or trauma. 

 

I lost my virginity at 14 to my friend, who I was dating at the time. Up until the age of 21, I mostly only dated my closest friends and felt comfortable enough to have sex with them, regardless of whether I was attracted to them or not. I liked their personalities and they liked me, so that was enough. 

 

At university, I dated a woman for a couple of weeks and had sex with her but after that I got a little uncomfortable with her behaviour. She was very intense and wanted to see me every day. My disinterest in her was nothing to do with sex. This was the first time I had turned away someone who was interested in me.

 

For a while I thought I was bisexual because there were some men I had found physically attractive. I tried dating a few but it never worked out because I was uncomfortable about being with a man.

 

I spent a few years having a FWB situation with my best friend. It was mostly for comfort and fun as we were both lonely and depressed. She was the last person I had sex with, back in 2013.

 

As far as I can remember, I’ve never had sex where I’ve been myself. I’ve either role played or taken myself and my partner out of the equation, imagining us as different people or fictional characters. It made it more enjoyable. 

 

I am still close with my best friend, even though we ended the FWB side of our relationship after I started dating someone in 2013.

 

I was with this person for almost 4 years. I loved them so much, but we barely kissed, hugged or showed affection to one another. I am a very affectionate and tactile person, but my partner was not. I thought it was fine, as I loved my partner and wouldn’t expect them to change for me. Essentially I was starved of affection. We discussed having sex and my partner always insisted it’d happen one day, when they were in the mood. So I kept my hopes up, thinking that eventually we would have sex if they loved me enough. 

 

But it never happened.

 

I thought I was being a bad girlfriend and wasn’t good enough for them. That they didn’t find me attractive. That I was doing something wrong.

 

I ended the relationship and have since been single, almost too scared to get invested in someone new for fear of getting hurt.

 

Until I realised I had developed feelings for a close friend of mine. It made sense. I enjoyed her company, we had good chemistry and we got along great. I have since asked her on a date and we have started a steady relationship. 

 

She’s asexual. I got into the relationship knowing this, thinking, that’s fine. I’ve been in a sexless relationship. As long as I get enough affection like cuddles and kisses, that’s fine. I also haven’t fantasised about us being different people the way I have with previous partners. I’m comfortable with us being our own selves. 

 

I told her not to worry, that I’m fine with us never having sex. And I am. There are more important things.

 

But now I’m confused.

 

I always thought being asexual meant not experiencing arousal. I thought I couldn’t be asexual because, while infrequent, I do still masturbate. I can’t be bothered to do it all the time, so maybe once or twice a month when I have the house to myself. When I do, I tend to watch porn, but strictly porn of gay men with their faces concealed. I always found that odd as I have zero interest in men. 

 

My mother and friends have been asking if I’ll have sex with my girlfriend, but I constantly insist, no I won’t. She doesn’t want to have sex so I won’t. But it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice. I don’t want to have sex with her either. I’d rather enjoy the closeness we have. I feel like having sex would ruin or cheapen this precious thing we have going on. 

 

I’m not repulsed by the idea of sex, I just have very little interest. There’s other stuff I’d rather do. Like go on a date or watch a movie or just cuddle. 

 

If I was with someone who had a high sex drive, I’d probably still have sex with them and enjoy it if I loved them. I could even see myself initiating it, I guess. 

 

I’m open to the idea of being asexual, but I don’t know much about it. It’s all very confusing and while I have friends I can talk to about this, I’m still very confused.

 

Thank you for reading my story 

 

I’d like to discuss it further with any of you 

 

:)

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Welcome to Aven. 

Thank you for sharing your story. 

I hope you will find the answers to all of your questions on this forum. 

Have some cake. 

Purple-Ombre-Layer-Cake-3.jpg

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NickyTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Homoromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Kitten in A Teacup Cake,

teacup-cake-tutorial_196792.jpg

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Welcome! As Micheal has said, Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, not a lack of libido or ability to have sex. A few aces are sex-positive and have sex for the pleasure, others for the sake of pleasing their partners. It’s not that asexuals find sex to be a bad thing, it’s that we’re not sexually attracted to anyone.

This infographic helps: https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

csc_8469.jpg

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16 hours ago, Snowwoman said:

Welcome to Aven. 

Thank you for sharing your story. 

I hope you will find the answers to all of your questions on this forum. 

Have some cake. 

Purple-Ombre-Layer-Cake-3.jpg

Thank you :) 

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12 hours ago, MichaelTannock said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You could be a Homoromantic Asexual.
Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Kitten in A Teacup Cake,

teacup-cake-tutorial_196792.jpg

Hello, thank you for your reply :) 

 

What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt the urge to pursue anyone out of sexual attraction. It’s always been something else drawing me towards them. 

 

I definitely need to do more research and maybe talk about it to my girlfriend and see what she says too! 

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9 hours ago, Lichley said:

Welcome! As Micheal has said, Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, not a lack of libido or ability to have sex. A few aces are sex-positive and have sex for the pleasure, others for the sake of pleasing their partners. It’s not that asexuals find sex to be a bad thing, it’s that we’re not sexually attracted to anyone.

This infographic helps: https://www.deviantart.com/secondlina/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

 

csc_8469.jpg

Hello! 

 

Thank you, that all makes a lot more sense with the pictures! 

I guess I’m sex positive in that case :) 

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