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LGBTQ+ Introduction to Asexuality Page


Iam9man

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I’ve joined my work’s LGBTQ+ group and volunteered to write a page on asexuality for our intranet site. I’m sharing the contents below in case anyone else wants to use any of the material for similar outreach purposes. No need to credit me as the author, but please don’t claim any form of copyright if using, as a whole or in part, as is or largely unchanged. I’m open to constructive criticism to improve the text.

 

Asexuality

 

What is Asexuality?

 

Asexuality is a sexual orientation with 3 commonly accepted definitions:

 

1. No sexual attraction to any genders

2. Not experiencing sexual attraction

3. Not desiring partnered sex

 

The definitions are not mutually exclusive and many asexuals relate to more than one of them.

 

Several studies have estimated that around 1% of the population is asexual.

 

Like people of other sexual orientations, asexuals:

 

1. Have generally always felt/been this way

2. May fall in love

3. May live a fulfilling life

4. May have children

5. May enjoy sex

6. May be completely healthy or have health issues

7. May have had a loving upbringing or a traumatic one

8. May have had positive or negative sexual experiences

 

Forms of Attraction

 

Whilst asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction, like people of other sexual orientations they can experience other forms of attraction; for example:

 

Romantic attraction - having romantic feelings for someone; e.g. a crush or falling in love with them

Aesthetic attraction - finding someone visually attractive or appealing

Sensual attraction - desiring close non-sexual physical contact with someone, such as hugging, cuddling or kissing

Platonic attraction - feeling attracted to someone in a more than friendly way, but not romantically

 

Just like sexual attraction, these other forms of attraction can be directed:

 

- Towards no genders

Hetero - Towards the opposite gender

Homo - Towards the same gender

Bi - Towards two or more genders; or towards own gender and another gender

Poly - Towards several genders, but not all genders

Pan - Towards all genders; or towards a person regardless of gender

 

Asexuals often describe their orientation using more than one form of attraction (know as the Split Attraction Model); for example:

 

1. A Heteroromantic Asexual

2. A Homoaesthetic Asexual

3. An Aromantic Asexual

4. A Panromantic Polyaesthetic Asexual

 

Some asexuals prefer to refer to themselves as just asexual, or even use no labels at all.

 

Asexuals commonly refer to themselves as ace (from ase in asexual).

 

Community

 

As a distinct non-heterosexual orientation, asexuality is generally regarded as part of the “+” in LGBTQ+, although not all asexuals identify this way.

 

Some asexuals relate to other identities as well; for example:

 

1. A homoromantic asexual might refer to themselves as a gay ace

2. A bisensual asexual might refer to themselves as a bi ace

3. A heteroromantic heteroaesthetic asexual might refer to themselves as a straight ace

 

Asexuals share many of the challenges of other LGBTQ+ groups, and some unique to asexuals; for example:

 

1. Discrimination

2. Bullying

3. Feeling isolated or alone

4. Not relating to peers

5. Thinking something is wrong with them

6. Being told something is wrong with them

7. Struggling to find a partner they’re compatible with

8. Asexual erasure (being told “That’s not a thing”, “You just want attention”, “You just haven’t met the right person yet”, “You’ve had sex so you can’t be asexual”, etc)

 

There are other identities which are similar to asexuality, and are often considered part of the asexual community (or spectrum):

 

Grey-asexual/grey-sexual/grey-a: identifying somewhere in between asexual and another sexual orientation

Demisexual: someone who only experiences sexual attraction after first developing a close bond with the person

 

Flag

 

The asexual pride flag has four coloured stripes:

 

1. The black stripe represents asexuals

2. The grey stripe represents grey-a/demisexuals

3. The white stripe represents partners and allies, of different orientations

5. The purple stripe represents community (LGBTQ+)

 

Am I Asexual?

 

Only you can answer this question.

 

If you relate to one or more of the definitions above, you may be asexual.

 

Not everyone who meets the definitions relates to them or identifies as asexual.

 

Ultimately labels are just that, words used to describe something. If you find a label suits you and you can relate to it you can adopt it, or not, the choice is yours.

 

There is never any hurry to pick one label over another (or any label at all) and you may find they change over time as you get to know yourself better.

 

If any of this information feels like it could be describing you, or you’re not sure if it does or not, and would like to speak to another asexual, you can contact us in confidence.

 

Resources

 

Asexual Visibility & Education Network www.asexuality.org

Asexuality Archive www.asexualityarchive.com

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2 hours ago, Iam9man said:

Like people of other sexual orientations, asexuals:

 

1. Have generally always felt/been this way

2. May fall in love

3. May live a fulfilling life

4. May have children

5. May enjoy sex

6. May be completely healthy or have health issues

7. May have had a loving upbringing or a traumatic one

8. May have had positive or negative sexual experiences

Points 6-8 are written in a very inclusive way, which is also important because of highlighting that health problems, sexual trauma or strict upbringing do not invalidate a person's asexuality. Perhaps a part of the other points could be rewritten in such a way? For example: "5. May enjoy sex, be indifferent to sex or not want to have sex at all". Point 2 could also be rewritten: "May fall in love or not desire romantic relationships". Altering point 1 would be more controversial, but for me it would be a welcome move to acknowledge that some people feel that they weren't born asexual and yet prefer to identify as such.

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11 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Points 6-8 are written in a very inclusive way, which is also important because of highlighting that health problems, sexual trauma or strict upbringing do not invalidate a person's asexuality. Perhaps a part of the other points could be rewritten in such a way? For example: "5. May enjoy sex, be indifferent to sex or not want to have sex at all". Point 2 could also be rewritten: "May fall in love or not desire romantic relationships". Altering point 1 would be more controversial, but for me it would be a welcome move to acknowledge that some people feel that they weren't born asexual and yet prefer to identify as such.

Many thanks! I struggled getting the right balance for this list, and rewrote it numerous times. It ended up a bit of a half-way house, so your feedback has been very helpful.

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4 hours ago, Iam9man said:

1. Sexual attraction to no genders

This is worded oddly imho. It sounds like it's saying "sexual attraction to agendered people" in a poor way. Perhaps phrasing it like "No sexual attraction to any gender"?

 

4 hours ago, Iam9man said:

Intellectual attraction - being attracted to someone’s intellect or intelligence

I'm just not a fan of this idea of sapio attraction. I don't think it should be included imho.

 

4 hours ago, Iam9man said:

Asexuals occasionally refer to themselves as ace (from ase in asexual).

I thought "ace" was very common...

 

Very good information! I really like how you linked it to the larger LGBTQ+ umbrella throughout. Nice work! 🙂🍰

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Maybe a mention of aromanticism + a link to a page on that would be good to add to this page. I know it's not the same thing, but that's still our sister community, and many conflate the two. 
Other than that, this seems like a good introduction :) 

 

4 hours ago, Iam9man said:

6. Being told something is wrong with them

Maybe add 'being pressured to fix what is supposedly wrong with them, either medically, or through unwanted sexual activity' in here. It's not a pleasant thing to add, but that is reality. I've had both these things happen to me.

 

2 minutes ago, Firefly8 said:

I'm just not a fan of this idea of sapio attraction. I don't think it should be included imho.

Oh I missed that one, but yes I agree with you. Sapio attraction can be considered classist by some. Also, I think sapio attraction is still sexual or romantic in nature, right? It's not really separate from that. It would sooner belong in the list of homo/hetero/poly/pan/bi/sapio than in the list sexual/romantic/aesthetic/sapio. It is not a mode of attraction, but who you are attracted to. And it's controversial on top of that, so yeah, I'd leave it out, personally.

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48 minutes ago, Firefly8 said:

This is worded oddly imho. It sounds like it's saying "sexual attraction to agendered people" in a poor way. Perhaps phrasing it like "No sexual attraction to any gender"?

 

I'm just not a fan of this idea of sapio attraction. I don't think it should be included imho.

 

I thought "ace" was very common...

 

Very good information! I really like how you linked it to the larger LGBTQ+ umbrella throughout. Nice work! 🙂🍰

Thanks for the feedback, it’s much appreciated!

 

I agree that definition is a bit weird. It comes from being the logical 4th orientation if all the orientations the person has heard of are hetero/homo/bi (I’m not saying this is a complete list, just that that is the complete list some people have heard of). I’ll give this one some more thought, as I don’t love the sentence, but it sort of works in that context (and as the third definition).

 

I never used to include sapio (or platonic, for that matter) attraction on my list... until I realised I experience it, fairly strongly as well! It may be mixed with other forms of attraction but it’s definitely there.

 

I included a fairly soft statement on “ace” in case someone has never heard of it. The “soft” language was actually just to avoid repetitive sounding statements, so no good reason really. I’ll reword.

 

Thanks for the feedback and compliment! It was actually very helpful for me to get my thoughts in order on the matter. I “translate” complicated legal requirements into clearly laid out information for my job; it was interesting applying this in a completely different environment, whilst simultaneously helping understand myself better.

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36 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Maybe a mention of aromanticism + a link to a page on that would be good to add to this page. I know it's not the same thing, but that's still our sister community, and many conflate the two. 
Other than that, this seems like a good introduction :) 

 

Maybe add 'being pressured to fix what is supposedly wrong with them, either medically, or through unwanted sexual activity' in here. It's not a pleasant thing to add, but that is reality. I've had both these things happen to me.

 

Oh I missed that one, but yes I agree with you. Sapio attraction can be considered classist by some. Also, I think sapio attraction is still sexual or romantic in nature, right? It's not really separate from that. It would sooner belong in the list of homo/hetero/poly/pan/bi/sapio than in the list sexual/romantic/aesthetic/sapio. It is not a mode of attraction, but who you are attracted to. And it's controversial on top of that, so yeah, I'd leave it out, personally.

Thank you for the feedback!

 

I didn’t add a page on aromanticism as I don’t feel qualified to write on it, but yes, absolutely I’d like to add a page on it in due course. Maybe someone who sees this thread will be inspired to contribute? I’d say the same for demisexuality, which only got a passing comment.

 

I see where you’re coming from with the sentence about being pressured. I decided to go fairly softly softly as this will be on a company intranet site. I actually diluted an earlier version of my 1-8 as I felt it was a bit too strong. I might try and include your point using slightly different wording.

 

I did not know that about sapio attraction! I have definitely felt attracted to someone’s intellect, but I agree it was a subset of romantic feelings (or it led to romantic feelings?). I’d prefer to include it as I feels it adds value, but I’ll remove it if it’s contentious/controversial!

 

Thanks again!

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1 hour ago, Laurann said:

Maybe add 'being pressured to fix what is supposedly wrong with them, either medically, or through unwanted sexual activity' in here. It's not a pleasant thing to add, but that is reality. I've had both these things happen to me.

I fortunately have never had the latter happen to me (or rather: a bit of pressure - yes, but I never gave in), but I absolutely support this proposal. Sexual pressure is an important issue - in fact, it's fair to call it an often overlooked form of less severe sexual violence. Nobody should have unwanted sex, regardless of their orientation. And it is really seriously overlooked. The data I'm mentioning may have changed over time, this is data from the 1970s - but still research done at that time showed that for 2/3 of women who have had sex their first time was "consensual, but not really wanted". This is absolutely shocking for me, perhaps even more than outright violence - because of the way it's so pervasive and disregarded.

It's important to remember that sexual pressure may also become internalised. When writing the above text, I did a quick consideration of how could these data have changed. 1970s were already after the "sexual revolution", when women have largely lost the right not to have sex without being at least forced to explain and excuse their choice. While over time awareness of sexual violence increased - some forms of behaviour even encouraged at that time are now viewed as unacceptable - there was also much talk of women's pleasure and women's desire. Which is, of course, not a bad thing - however, it can be harmful when it's extremely one-sided, when it isn't balanced by reminding that not feeling desire is OK as well, or at the very least - that it's not a good idea and not a recipe for a satisfying sexual experience to have sex without any active desire. And so, it's plausible to believe that nowadays it's possible to be unaware of not desiring sex, to push this lack of desire out of one's consciousness because of the way sexual desire is perceived as good, healthy and mandatory.

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This looks pretty good! I agree with a person above on the wording of the first definition. "No sexual attraction to any gender" sounds less ambiguous. 

 

I also agree with another suggestion to add "or ___" options to more things on that list. For #2 you could add ", may want to find love, or may not want to find love" to imply aromamticism. 

 

I don't think intellectual attraction is quite the same as the other categories so I personally wouldn't include it, but it's up to you if you think it helps the org you're doing this for. 

 

I think including "poly" in orientation prefixes can lead to confusion with polyamory. I don't know how many people use polysexual, because I don't think I've ever seen it in the wild...but that might be my own limited experiences. 

 

This is pretty awesome overall. I'm glad to see organizations are being more inclusive in their education and awareness content. :)

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4 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

This looks pretty good! I agree with a person above on the wording of the first definition. "No sexual attraction to any gender" sounds less ambiguous. 

 

I also agree with another suggestion to add "or ___" options to more things on that list. For #2 you could add ", may want to find love, or may not want to find love" to imply aromamticism. 

 

I don't think intellectual attraction is quite the same as the other categories so I personally wouldn't include it, but it's up to you if you think it helps the org you're doing this for. 

 

I think including "poly" in orientation prefixes can lead to confusion with polyamory. I don't know how many people use polysexual, because I don't think I've ever seen it in the wild...but that might be my own limited experiences. 

 

This is pretty awesome overall. I'm glad to see organizations are being more inclusive in their education and awareness content. :)

Thanks for the feedback!

 

Based on your and others’ feedback I intend to modify one of the definitions, expand the list of experiences asexuals may have (especially to include aromanticism) and probably remove intellectual attraction. The other suggestions I’m going to give a bit more thought to.

 

On poly, it’s actually already mentioned on the existing Bisexuality page, so I’m happy leaving it.

 

Thanks for the compliment and thorough review! I also think it’s great that companies are making an effort to be inclusive, and that groups that used to be “LGBT” only a few years ago are now “LGBTQ+” and are commissioning pages on Asexuality.

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5 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I fortunately have never had the latter happen to me (or rather: a bit of pressure - yes, but I never gave in), but I absolutely support this proposal. Sexual pressure is an important issue - in fact, it's fair to call it an often overlooked form of less severe sexual violence. Nobody should have unwanted sex, regardless of their orientation. And it is really seriously overlooked. The data I'm mentioning may have changed over time, this is data from the 1970s - but still research done at that time showed that for 2/3 of women who have had sex their first time was "consensual, but not really wanted". This is absolutely shocking for me, perhaps even more than outright violence - because of the way it's so pervasive and disregarded.

It's important to remember that sexual pressure may also become internalised. When writing the above text, I did a quick consideration of how could these data have changed. 1970s were already after the "sexual revolution", when women have largely lost the right not to have sex without being at least forced to explain and excuse their choice. While over time awareness of sexual violence increased - some forms of behaviour even encouraged at that time are now viewed as unacceptable - there was also much talk of women's pleasure and women's desire. Which is, of course, not a bad thing - however, it can be harmful when it's extremely one-sided, when it isn't balanced by reminding that not feeling desire is OK as well, or at the very least - that it's not a good idea and not a recipe for a satisfying sexual experience to have sex without any active desire. And so, it's plausible to believe that nowadays it's possible to be unaware of not desiring sex, to push this lack of desire out of one's consciousness because of the way sexual desire is perceived as good, healthy and mandatory.

Thanks for the further information. I think I need to give this some more thought. I agree it definitely belongs on the list, I’m not sure it belongs on the list in an introductory text on a company website.

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34 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

Thanks for the further information. I think I need to give this some more thought. I agree it definitely belongs on the list, I’m not sure it belongs on the list in an introductory text on a company website.

The kins of text I have written definitely doesn't, but a short mention like @Laurann wrote? Sure. A short mention of sexual pressure and how it can lead people to pursue sexual experiences despite not desiring them - it can be done in one sentence.

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Just now, Nowhere Girl said:

The kins of text I have written definitely doesn't, but a short mention like @Laurann wrote? Sure. A short mention of sexual pressure and how it can lead people to pursue sexual experiences despite not desiring them - it can be done in one sentence.

Agreed.

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28 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

A short mention of sexual pressure and how it can lead people to pursue sexual experiences despite not desiring them - it can be done in one sentence.

The sentence I wrote was also meant to imply sexual assault (up to and including corrective rape), not just asexuals pursuing sexual experiences despite not desiring them, although that is also a good point.

I tried to write that into extremely mild language, because that is the tendency of the rest of the piece written by Iam9man, but if it was such mild language that that didn't come across at all, then I do want to clarify. 

Of course on a company website, you should probably keep the extremely mild language @Iam9man.

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5 minutes ago, Laurann said:

The sentence I wrote was also meant to imply sexual assault (up to and including corrective rape), not just asexuals pursuing sexual experiences despite not desiring them, although that is also a good point.

I tried to write that into extremely mild language, because that is the tendency of the rest of the piece written by Iam9man, but if it was such mild language that that didn't come across at all, then I do want to clarify. 

Of course on a company website, you should probably keep the extremely mild language @Iam9man.

Thanks for clarifying. I'm wondering if this maybe links out to a more general page on sexual assault/violence/etc, if appropriate to cover under the wider banner of sexual matters. I saw something positive on dealing with gender based violence recently, but don’t remember the context.

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21 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

I'm wondering if this maybe links out to a more general page on sexual assault/violence/etc, if appropriate to cover under the wider banner of sexual matters.

If that page has already been written, then yes that seems like an easy way to cover it. 'Corrective rape' is a term borrowed from the lesbian community, so there might be info on the website about that already.

 

21 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

I saw something positive on dealing with gender based violence recently

While I do believe female aces deal with this kind of stuff more than male aces, I have heard stories of male aces experiencing similar things, so I'm not sure if 'gender-based violence' encompasses the whole thing. It is also about people not believing/accepting that we're ace, and wanting to change us or wanting to 'do us a favor' by introducing us to the amazing world of sexuality.

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10 minutes ago, Laurann said:

While I do believe female aces deal with this kind of stuff more than male aces, I have heard stories of male aces experiencing similar things, so I'm not sure if 'gender-based violence' encompasses the whole thing. It is also about people not believing/accepting that we're ace, and wanting to change us or wanting to 'do us a favor' by introducing us to the amazing world of sexuality.

Ah, sorry, meant I’d seen a page on gender based violence elsewhere on our intranet (I think) so maybe the LGBTQ+ group can cooperate with a different team on a broader subject.

 

Corrective rape (in all forms) is definitely an LGBTQ+, and therefore asexual matter. The few stories of corrective rape or threatened corrective rape I’ve read on AVEN are horrendous and I fully support education on this matter.

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  • 6 months later...

Update: this is finally going live (don’t ask about delay 🙄) to coincide with Ace Week and will include my photo and contact details 🐧😊🥳👍

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Whore*of*Mensa

@Iam9man Just to say, I know you removed the sapio attraction thing, but I defo feel this and agree that it's a thing...

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7 hours ago, Whore*of*Mensa said:

@Iam9man Just to say, I know you removed the sapio attraction thing, but I defo feel this and agree that it's a thing...

Same here (albeit precisely once). I’ve learned a lot since the above discussion and would have handled it differently now, but I still don’t believe it belongs as an entry on this introductory text as such.

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