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someonejustme

Suggestions for talking to my huge ace-aro crush

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someonejustme

tl;dr: hetero-mostly-sexual male seeking advice on talking to a friend he has a huge crush on, who recently came out to him as ace-aro.

Hi! So a few months ago I met a new co-worker at a company gathering. We both work remotely, and live several thousand kilometres away from each other. (The company brings remote workers together to hang out in person a couple times a year.)

I really liked her from the start, and got the sense that maybe she liked me too, but asking her out during the work event didn't feel like the right thing to do.

After the company gathering, we all dispersed to our respective homes throughout the world. I still saw her often on video calls with other co-workers, though, and I still got the sense that she liked me!

So I decided to ask her out "remotely", that is, I asked her if she wanted to get on a video call sometime, "kind of like going for coffee, remotely". She said yes!

We've since talked on lots of video calls just the two of us, and have been taking online classes together. The more I get to know her, the more I like her! It's just a massive crush. I can't stop thinking about her. I haven't felt like this about someone in years.

Last week, I finally found the courage (where? I dunno...) to say directly that I really liked her, potentially as more than just a friend. I thought this might have been implied in how we'd been hanging out, but really I wasn't sure, since our interactions had been kind of intermittent. That is, there were days when we messaged quite a lot, and other days, not at all. And for some reason (I haven't asked yet) she never messages on weekends. (I've just assumed it's her way of making sure she has enough space to herself.) As far as I know, other co-workers aren't aware that we've been spending time together (remotely) outside of work.

After I told her I liked her, she said she was very sorry, but that she's asexual and "not a romantic person". I was surprised, but... not completely surprised? I assured her it was ok. She then said she thought it wasn't normal, and that "people are difficult" for her. She said she did enjoy talking with me. Did she blush? Maybe... Then we changed the subject, and still talked for a while more before hanging up.

At the time of that call, I knew very little about asexuality, and had never heard of aromanticism. Since then, I've been reading everything I can about both. Besides being really interesting, what I've read helps me understand aspects of myself that I hadn't thought about much. I'd say I'm basically a sexual male, and hetero at that, but I mostly shun traditional gender roles/stereotypes, and might be a little bit tending towards grey- or demi-sexuality. Learning about these orientations and spectrums made me reflect on my own failed marriage (which ended two years ago). Really, besides the physical release it provides, sex for me is mainly just another expression of love and closeness (and/or a way to make babies) not the be-all and end-all. I think for most of my marriage we had sex once or twice a month. Often there are just better or more important things to do!

So, anyway, if this friend I have a crush on is into it, I would love to try a compromising asexual-sexual queerplatonic-ish relationship-ish thing, or maybe something a little like that, with her. Or, at least, I'd love to talk to her about whether she might like to explore that possibility. However, her negative response last week did seem pretty definitive. I sure don't want to pry or make her feel uncomfortable, and I sure would hate to lose her as a friend. Also, we work together pretty closely (again, remotely) and I would hate to make her feel uncomfortable working on the team with me. She's a great co-worker. Also, our line of work is pretty male-dominated. I hope she knows that whatever might happen or not happen with our friendship, I would always do my best to keep work a separate, positive and welcoming space for everyone.

Anyway, I'd love to hear any suggestions on broaching the topic of some kind of special friendship or something with her, or whether I should mention it at all. Any other thoughts on the whole situation would be hugely appreciated.

I guess I'm surprised she said her way of being is "not normal"--I can't imagine she hasn't read the many resource available online about this. Would it be too prying to tell her I think it is normal? I'm really curious to hear about her ace-aro experience and where she falls on those spectrums. Still, I don't want to make her feel she needs to say stuff about herself if she doesn't feel like it.

Of course she might not want anything other than just a basic friendship, in which case I'll just have to get over her. Might take a couple weeks--it's been such an intense crush!!

Also, just another data point, she might be a bit introverted.

Thanks a lot for listening. (Sorry it was long--it sure feels good to say it all, though!) Thanks again for any thoughts or suggestions!

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lowLifeLoner

So personally as a introvert (lots of us are) I have friends, which are like people that except me and I can talk to at work, but not really at home. Talking to them is like a task, a chore, It uses energy and I like to keep them at arms length. Then there are people that I'd call close friends, these I'm happy to talk to, talking to them is fun and makes me feel energetic and I feel more free to tell them things. These are they people I truely open up to. I never thought I'd feel that way for somebody until last year when I did meet somebody that made me feel like that. I guess in an abstract way I was in a relationship with that person (if only I wasn't such a blind fuck and actually told her how I felt). If you're the right person, and judging by how she likes to talk to you I'd suspect you are, You might be her "close friend" the person she opens up to. This will never be like a conventional relationship but, it will be something, love in a non romantic way if you will. IDK I ain't good at this stuff.

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Lara Black

Hi, @someonejustme

I’d say you first need to figure out what you want in more detail. Obviously, if you want passion and intimacy, you’re not going to get them. Neither are you getting a traditional relationship. It might be what she refused – the idea of some “wholesale pack” known as relationships that aros just don’t need.

What if you don’t label it as relationships? Even to yourself? What is it you want precisely? More calls? An occasional meet-up in real life? You might ask her about those things separately, and she might even say “Yes” to some of them. But you’re not going to know for sure like, “We’re in a relationship, so this and this is expected“, and you’ll have to work out your “rules” or “standards” one by one.

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Sally

I think you first need to believe ,what she said: sorry, I'm asexual and not  into romance.   So asking her anything to try to test that out might sound to her like you really hadn't heard her.  But if you can simply accept this on-line friendship for what it is, and not inquire further, and just see how it goes, you probably won't scare her away.  

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CBC

She already gave you an answer.

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someonejustme
23 hours ago, CBC said:

She already gave you an answer.

Yep.

 

*sigh*

 

Thanks!!

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MrDane

@someonejustme at some point, she migth already have reached the top level of friendship/relationship, while you dream of taking further steps. As aro/ace, there is not a goal about having intimate, close moments, where your love turns into a physical joyride or where you lose yourself and turn into a oneness. I reach out, every day and are met with a cold shoulder. We even have sex, but there is a tendency for it to be only for my sake, occasionally she enjoys the act, mostly she just likes to see me happy, but not to often.

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