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I'd like to try to become asexual for the sake of my marriage...


newbie82

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Hey all - first post here - sorry if I use any verbiage that is offensive - this space is all new to me.

 

When I first started dating my now-wife, we had sex all the time.  It was amazing.  We've been together now about 3 years, and the sex now only happens if I initiate it.  We've had some long talks about it, and she basically told me she just doesn't have a sex drive.  She said it's not that she's not attracted to me, it's not because she doesn't love our life together, but it's just not her. She tells me all the time - "If you ever want it, just ask."  And there are plenty of times where I do, and we have sex and it's great, and once we are engaged in it, she does enjoy it.  But I'm at the point now where I'm only half-fulfilled.  The sex fulfills 50% of what I want, but the other 50% of what I want is a woman who "wants" me.  Who comes home from work and just wants to get it on because her husband makes her want it so bad.  I guess I just don't want "charity" sex anymore.

 

I go through phases where I decide "I'm not going to 'use' my wife for sex - we just aren't going to do it anymore."  My sex drive is pretty darn high - so I avoid showering with her.  If she changes her clothes in the bedroom I look away and try to look at my phone.  I literally do everything I can to avoid getting aroused.  But then I start to resent that I have to do that.  I finally break down and ask for it.

 

Every other aspect of our marriage is amazing.  She is my soul mate.  This is literally the only difficulty we have.  For the sake of our marriage, I'm wondering if I should try to become asexual.  I feel like if I didn't have a sex drive either, this problem would be solved.

 

Any advice on this?  Is it possible to become asexual, and if so, how?

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Anthracite_Impreza

Sorry mate, but you can't force yourself to be ace any more than you can choose to be gay or straight.

 

I'll let the sexuals handle what to do next, I'm entirely inexperienced in human relationships.

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I think most peoples sexual orientation is pretty fixed. (though there are exceptions).  There is often no good solution to this situation that will make both people happy. 

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I hate to say it, but when you're with someone on the asexual spectrum, what you have there is the best you're probably ever going to get. You can't change your sexuality, just as she cannot change hers. 

 

It can be disappointing not to be wanted in the same way you want someone. But as someone in your wife's position, don't think of it as "charity" sex. Because sexual acts do not come "naturally" to asexual people, having sex with you is one of the most heartfelt gestures she could possibly muster. Sex can take a lot out of an asexual person, but she does it for you because she truly, deeply loves you. She wants you to feel good and appreciated and desired, and she's giving you that in the way that she can. 

 

Even though I don't have sex with my partner out of sheer, raw sexual desire, I do enjoy it for the connection, the casual intimacy, the joy I get from seeing him get lost in it. It's not a perfect match, but it can work. 

 

She seems very understanding, so if I were you, I would sit her down and ask if the two of you could schedule sex from now on. The number is up to the pair of you, perhaps on Tuesdays and Fridays or something similar. Scheduling sex is good for two reasons: For one, it makes it so you don't have to feel desperate and overbearing while asking all the time. And two, asexual people in relationships often stress about "unexpected" sex, or feeling like they aren't meeting your needs, so a schedule will help her feel better about her part in this. 

 

(And no, scheduling sex doesn't have to mean "time for your 8:00 PIV, dear." Think of it like a date night. Flirt! Spice things up! Make it fun. She's much more likely to really want it and feel excited when she's feeling loved.)

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Thanks for the replies.  I've been reading a lot of the threads on here since I made my post yesterday and I'm really starting to understand some things better.  I definitely now appreciate that I shouldn't feel like she's giving me "charity sex", while still appreciating that it's OK for me to have the desire for a woman to "want me".

 

I'm also appreciating that my situation really isn't as hard to deal with as some other people here.  Or, maybe a better way of saying it is that the distance between my wife and I on the asexual/sexual spectrum isn't as far as many couples on here.  She doesn't hate sex by any means, but if the choice is up to her, there's plenty of other things she'd rather do instead. 

 

One thing that boggles my mind... just to give you an idea of how our minds are wired totally different... she went to a Magic Mike show in Las Vegas, and it hurt my feelings a lot.  I kind of felt like she was being unfaithful to me.  I felt a little jealous, a bit inferior to those guys, etc.  She told me it wasn't a sexual thing for her AT ALL.  She was just having fun with the girls.  She said that stuff doesn't turn her on in the slightest.  And then there's me... I've had friends want to go to a strip club and I refuse to go (even though I bet my wife would tell me it's fine).  I know what I would be thinking about all those women, and I know I'd be tempted to cheat on my wife.  I would feel guilty as hell going to a strip club.  I did however go to a gay club with friends in Vegas, since I knew that for me wouldn't be a sexual thing - it would be me just having fun with friends.

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1 hour ago, newbie82 said:

I did however go to a gay club with friends in Vegas, since I knew that for me wouldn't be a sexual thing - it would be me just having fun with friends.

Yeah, that’s probably about how your wife saw Magic Mike.

 

1 hour ago, newbie82 said:

I know what I would be thinking about all those women, and I know I'd be tempted to cheat on my wife.  I would feel guilty as hell going to a strip club.

Maybe I’m just reading into the wording but this sounds a little like you might not be as okay with the situation between yourself and your wife as you’d like to be.  Do you think the status quo is sustainable for you?  While some folks here have made it work, a good number of sexual posters have reported that their soulmate feelings erode over time as a result of the ongoing mismatch.

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anisotrophic

I'm happy with my partner and feeling ok with skipping sex but that's only because I know I'm allowed to look elsewhere (even though I'm not bothering). It made a big difference to learn that he simply never had any intrinsic desire, he did it to make me happy. I used to feel inadequate. He's very kind about my experience of sexuality, but I'm like, eh, charity sex isn't that fulfilling.

 

Celibacy seems nice for now. If someone I'm attracted to expressed interest in me, well... I might switch gears, haha. Maybe I'll try dating if I have time, but not anytime soon.

 

So you can't be ace. But maybe you can feel chill about celibacy?

 

Did you think your partner is ace? Have you talked about asexuality with her? You know it's not a transient thing, right? Sexuals have ups and downs, after all. Devastating to learn it's not a phase, that it was and always will be this way -- but better to know, I found.

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addicthubby

Sounds similar to what I'm going  through except my wife is actively wanting me to be asexual too. She doesn't view sexuality well and almost thinks people need to grow up and not be such a slave to their "urges". 

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anisotrophic
4 minutes ago, addicthubby said:

Sounds similar to what I'm going  through except my wife is actively wanting me to be asexual too. She doesn't view sexuality well and almost thinks people need to grow up and not be such a slave to their "urges". 

Errr that's not great. 😕

 

My partner is worried that I shouldn't be avoiding sex now. He's asexual, not anti-sex. We're still trying to figure out what's best for us...

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