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How to deal with the shattered hope


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I am a female in my 40ies. After twenty years of trying to make my sexual relationship work with my partner I have realized today I am a sex-positive hetero-romantic asexual.  Unfortunately, rather than being thrilled at my discovery at finding my identity, I feel pretty devastated.  I had always held hope that perhaps it was trauma, or upbringing or some other external, workable circumstance that kept me from fully appreciating sex or connecting sexually with him, or anyone for that matter. Now I understand that it is inherently who I am and that I will forever miss out on that most common and connecting human experience.   At the very least we will never enjoy the type of connection we had both envisioned as a possibility for ourselves, at the worst, I may lose my partner of 20 years and father of my children.  At this moment I feel I would pretty much rather be any other version of gender or sexuality than an this because of the shared connection inherent in sexual attraction which has always been missing in my relationships.  I know I shouldnt feel broken but now I really truly do because I know I can never be "fixed".  

 

I would appreciate if anyone shared any similar experience an the fear of losing everything we have worked so hard to keep.

 

Thank you for this site and all your presence, I know in time it will be different for me but right now this is incredibly hard for me to accept 

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everywhere and nowhere

There are probably more people who "don't appreciate sex" than it is nowadays commonly believed. It doesn't mean that all of them are necessarily asexual, but it should cast doubt on the universality of "that most common and connecting human experience". Sex as universally ecstatic, good and connecting is a myth. For a lot of people it isn't even a pleasant experience. For a lot of people it isn't even something desired, sometimes due to negative experiences and sometimes because "liking sex" is just in conflict with their particular personality. Sure, sex is important and because of its functions in procreation and bonding it is built into our instincts, which are partially experienced even by asexuals (libido). But still, not all people experience it the same. Some people, for example, entirely or almost entirely lack any instinct to procreate. The truly universally human thing is being diverse. Being so unique in one's individuality that no single human being experiences the same and anything we believe to be a universal psychological principle can only be a crude approximation. I don't miss the myth of human universality. It is an almost-positively, spiritually terrifying experience for me to realise fully that I will never have the experience of anyone but myself. But it doesn't preclude communication and solidarity. We can connect despite being infinitely diverse. It's just better to abandon the idea that under all this diversity "we are ultimately the same" - no we aren't, and this is why I believe that art and philosophy are able to describe human experience better than science. This is why I favour phenomenology of experience instead of regularity-seeking psychology. I can and often do feel terrified over being locked in my own "bubble" until the day I die and my individuality dissolves. But I am also proud of being forever non-identical to anyone else. I am unique because I'm a person and that is enough. To communicate, we just need to express our experience instead of believing that individual experiences don't matter.

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I am also a sex-positive asexual. I have no magic solution, but know that in AVEN you have a community of nice people who will support you.

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NickyTannock

@Sorrelle Welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had some experience-based advice for you.

I'm now 33, and I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship.

 

Have you come out as Asexual to your partner?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Castle Cake,

detailed-midieval-castle-cake-76063.JPG

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Sam Sunshine
On 4/17/2019 at 11:27 AM, Sorrelle said:

I am a female in my 40ies. After twenty years of trying to make my sexual relationship work with my partner I have realized today I am a sex-positive hetero-romantic asexual.  Unfortunately, rather than being thrilled at my discovery at finding my identity, I feel pretty devastated.  I had always held hope that perhaps it was trauma, or upbringing or some other external, workable circumstance that kept me from fully appreciating sex or connecting sexually with him, or anyone for that matter. Now I understand that it is inherently who I am and that I will forever miss out on that most common and connecting human experience.   At the very least we will never enjoy the type of connection we had both envisioned as a possibility for ourselves, at the worst, I may lose my partner of 20 years and father of my children.  At this moment I feel I would pretty much rather be any other version of gender or sexuality than an this because of the shared connection inherent in sexual attraction which has always been missing in my relationships.  I know I shouldnt feel broken but now I really truly do because I know I can never be "fixed".  

 

I would appreciate if anyone shared any similar experience an the fear of losing everything we have worked so hard to keep.

 

Thank you for this site and all your presence, I know in time it will be different for me but right now this is incredibly hard for me to accept 

Hi Sorrelle

I am in the same situation as yourself. Until 2015 (when I found out asexuality existed) I thought my libido and aversion to anything sexual was going to be fixed but after 20 years of hope I discovered asexuality. Initially I was elated! I finally understood who I was - but after that initial joy I became devastated. The expectation to perform by my husband was all I could think about. For the last three years I have been in the throws of a mental breakdown, not only due to coming to terms with my sexuality but other traumatic life-changing experiences that came up in therapy.  Recently I have been learning about self-compassion and acceptance which is about accepting pain and what you cannot change. It teaches that if you resist and fight against  pain you endure suffering.  

In a world that feeds us with constant information about 'what is normal' and implies we are all the same, we all want sex, it makes us feel good, we lust after others etc.. I believe this is complete rubbish and agree with other members who have posted that we are all individuals. My husband is has a very high sex drive and always has, I have always forced myself to keep him happy but there came a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. I was mentally and emotionally done - and do you know what? THAT'S OKAY because I am important, my feelings, needs and desires are important. We communicate, we love each other and at the end of the day if that's not enough then what can I do? I will not force myself anymore. For the first time in my life I am beginning to care about myself, my mental and emotional well-being because if I don't I will end up unable to live a happy, healthy existence. I had to hit rock bottom to learn that I am important. I hope sharing my experience with our similar stories helps you to feel validated, shows you are not alone and may help you find your way with this challenging path. 

Best wishes

Sam

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NickyTannock

@Sam Sunshine Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm happy that you're beginning to care about your own mental and emotional well-being.
That's something I have yet to learn how to do, even though I've never had either sex or a romantic relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Sunflower Cake,

Sunflower-cake1.jpg

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Is there not more to your relationship than the sex? It doesn't make sense to me since you're sex-positive and you've been together 20 years with a lot of history. How does learning what to label your sexuality change your relationship? It's just a label; you are still you. :) 🍰

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