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Lemongrass

Only sexual when severly depressed

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Lemongrass

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I'm 36yrs old and I think I've known for a long time (about 8yrs) that I'm asexual, although, I'm not really sure I always knew the term for it or was really able to fully admit it to myself. I always thought I was broken... that there was something wrong with me. My ex-wife knew before I did. Sex, or the lack thereof, was a big issue in our marriage.  It was also an issue in my most recent relationship and because of it we have decided to end things. Through my reflection and journaling, I've realized that my whole life I've never been sexually attracted to anyone unless I was in a really dark place emotionally. Like a really really dark suicidal kind of place. And in those cases, I looked for situations that felt dangerous in one way or another... my first lesbian relationship, secret relationship with my boss, extramarital affairs... but as soon as my mental state improved the sexual attraction would disappear completely. It was like my drug or something. Without being in the severely depressed state I have absolutely zero interest in sex... and even then.. I don't enjoy the sex. It's more I enjoy the idea of sex.. the danger and fear of the situation. I dunno. Does any of this make sense to anyone?

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Nowhere Girl

I consider it interesting at least. For most people whose libido and level of sexual attraction fluctuate (but it probably fluctuates to some extent in the vast majority of people) it's the opposite - depression quenches libido.

However, severe depression is obviously not a good thing. In endangers a person's wellbeing, so avoiding development in such a direction is prudent. If you lose interest in sex as soon as you feel mentally well, asexuality is your baseline state. It's certainly better to accept your feelings and not try to change them because trying to "fix yourself" could disturb your balance. A person doesn't have to be a 100% never-ever-felt-sexual-attraction-asexual to prefer identifying as an asexual and living an asexual lifestyle.

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Star Bit

Quoting AVEN:

  • An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction – they are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way [at any time]. 

 

Not using terms properly is harmful to the meaning of those terms. For example, if a man has breasts due to a hormone disorder or just extra weight, he is not trans, not even if it would make his life socially easier. However, I have no problem with Gray-As (in the way I've defined it) socially going by ace because no one would know they weren't.

 

Gray-asexual refers to someone who is virtually asexual but not factually; a person with a sexuality but it's never exposed. Like only being sexually attracted to one self (not masturbation; mirror/twin fetish), not identifying with your own sexual impulses toward others, etc.

 

  • Some people put rarely ever desiring sex under the above term, but personally I put it under what's below because they do have an exposed sexuality and can find a successful sex life with the right person rather than the opposite with the above people.

 

Gray-sexual refers to the person's sexuality being more prevalent/relavent for other people. Basically sex-drive being triggered under atypical circumstances like needing an abnormal amount of time before desiring sex with a partner, random fluctuating sex-drive with large cold spells not due to environmental turn offs like stress, etc. (all of which can be normal but depend on an abnormal ratio that may or may not be openly talked about; e.g. responsive sexual desire is normal despite it commonly being a problem in relationships).

 

Some people do only desire sex under extreme emotion; like anger, sadness, depression, adrenaline, etc. Perhaps a question to ask is, do you pursue this trigger? For instance, humiliation fetish is only a fetish if you want to pursue the sexual interest, rather than sexual arousal simply being triggered by it. What would make this Gray is if that emotional state is not pursued and rarely happens. For instance, say someone (somewhatly) frequently gets annoyed at their partner and that's their sexual trigger, so they'll then basically have a normal sex life and not fall under the Gray umbrella. I don't think that's your case though. But maybe therapy can help iorn that knot out? But there is a term called Aceflexible. You could even put an orientation in front of it; Hetero/Homo/Bi-Aceflexible. Like Hetero/Homo-flexible, it refers to flexing to the other side very rarely and their main experience is the prefix orientation.

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PoppyField

I get where you're coming from, I think for me when I'm feeling depressed/low it's more that I feel lonely and I'm looking for someone, even if I'm not actually attracted to them. But since most people are sexual I end up acting like I'm interested in it and end up in awkward situations :'D

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Omelette

Hello!

 

Frankly, I don't care about precise labels that much. Just wanted to say that I empathize with some of this. I'm a younger asexual, but generally my libido is largely non-existent unless I'm depressed. Not to the extent that you describe, though. (and also, I hope you're in a better place mentally at the moment)

 

One thing I've considered is that it could be a self-defense mechanism. Like, depression sucks the joy and motivation out of things for me. It becomes a vicious cycle where I don't have enough energy to do simple things to improve my mood, and in turn this further eats at my energy and motivation. I guess in this case my brain goes 'well, having a libido means you can get endorphins easily, we really need those right now'.

 

I guess sex might also be associated in my mind with being close to people, and being of use to them. Which are among the things I long for when I'm feeling down. Hence the fantasies.

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