Victoria Rain Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Hi, so I'm currently 23 and I don't feel the desire for sex like never and it's very weird because I can have sexual fantasies and imagine other people having sex with me or look at some someone and be like, damn I want to have sex with them, but when it comes down to it I don't want to. The times that I have done it, it feels awful I don't feel anything I feel disgusted with myself and I feel the urge to take a shower immediately after. So I was wondering if this was like asexuality or being afraid of SEX, because I love masturbating and I love you know watching p***, jerking off of whatever but when it comes down to it to actually having the person right in front of me it's just puts me off. It makes me disgusted and even if my biggest crush was right in front of me and he's like let's have sex, I would probably have sex but I wouldn't feel Jack schitt so, I'm very confused Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Salmiakki Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Well at least it doesn't sound like you're afraid of sex Quote Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 It's not a disjunction. It's possible to be both asexual and afraid of sex. If sex causes you discomfort, don't have sex. It's a valid choice. Not everyone "has to" have sex. If sex causes you discomfort, but you wouldn't like to live a life entirely without sex, an alternative solution is to seek therapy. But it should never be portrayed as obligatory. If someone is too afraid of sex to have it and doesn't perceive an ability to have sex as something they "should" gain, not seeking therapy is a valid solution which shouldn't be perceived as "giving up". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I thought I experienced sexual attraction but after much introspection I concluded I had confused it with other forms of attraction; e.g.: 1. I can look at a woman and find her extremely attractive, which would be aesthetic attraction. 2. I enjoy sensual contact with women, which would be sensual attraction. I do have sex but I am completely indifferent to it (although orgasms feel good). You may feel completely different to me, but you may find your answer by exploring which forms of attraction you are actually feeling when you find someone attractive/hot. Having sexual fantasies would not exclude you potentially being asexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SorryNotSorry Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I'm not afraid of sex. I'm afraid I'd be disappointed that it wouldn't live up to the hype. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Were you raised to think sex was bad / feel guilty about desiring sex? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Basrive Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 3 hours ago, Iam9man said: I thought I experienced sexual attraction but after much introspection I concluded I had confused it with other forms of attraction; e.g.: 1. I can look at a woman and find her extremely attractive, which would be aesthetic attraction. 2. I enjoy sensual contact with women, which would be sensual attraction. I do have sex but I am completely indifferent to it (although orgasms feel good). You may feel completely different to me, but you may find your answer by exploring which forms of attraction you are actually feeling when you find someone attractive/hot. Having sexual fantasies would not exclude you potentially being asexual. That sounds like my experience as well. I tended to disassociate or get bored after the sensual excitement of sex wore off. There were times that my body would disgust me a little as well. After thinking about it, it was less in a gender issue way, and more of a we are squishy bags of meat way. I also think the last exciting crushy dream I had was a year ago and involved showering and... just that, so i’m pretty dang ace. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 @Victoria Rain Welcome to AVEN! When you say that you never feel the desire to have sex, but can look at someone and think you want to have sex with them, what do you mean? Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Nature Cake, 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 11 hours ago, Victoria Rain said: Hi, so I'm currently 23 and I don't feel the desire for sex like never and it's very weird because I can have sexual fantasies and imagine other people having sex with me or look at some someone and be like, damn I want to have sex with them, but when it comes down to it I don't want to. The times that I have done it, it feels awful I don't feel anything I feel disgusted with myself and I feel the urge to take a shower immediately after. So I was wondering if this was like asexuality or being afraid of SEX, because I love masturbating and I love you know watching p***, jerking off of whatever but when it comes down to it to actually having the person right in front of me it's just puts me off. It makes me disgusted and even if my biggest crush was right in front of me and he's like let's have sex, I would probably have sex but I wouldn't feel Jack schitt so, I'm very confused If you love touching yourself and bringing yourself to a sexual climax whilst watching videos of people having sex together, how can you be asexual? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 30 minutes ago, James121 said: If you love touching yourself and bringing yourself to a sexual climax whilst watching videos of people having sex together, how can you be asexual? Because aces can have a libido, they just don't wanna share it with anyone else. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Basrive Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 1 hour ago, James121 said: If you love touching yourself and bringing yourself to a sexual climax whilst watching videos of people having sex together, how can you be asexual? Oh, is this is ace purity test? My libido is strong enough that I could probably partake while doing my taxes, so I’ll just see myself out and visit the pomo-asexual forums. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 1 hour ago, James121 said: If you love touching yourself and bringing yourself to a sexual climax whilst watching videos of people having sex together, how can you be asexual? What does one have to do with the other? The deciding factor is whether or not you have a desire to participate in partnered sex (just for the sake of participating, not because you want to placate a partner, feel like you need to try it before deciding you don’t like it, etc.), not whether or not you are aroused by porn. Some - but not all - aces enjoy and are aroused by porn. Some - but not all - sexuals do not enjoy and are not aroused by porn. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 22 hours ago, ryn2 said: What does one have to do with the other? The deciding factor is whether or not you have a desire to participate in partnered sex (just for the sake of participating, not because you want to placate a partner, feel like you need to try it before deciding you don’t like it, etc.), not whether or not you are aroused by porn. Some - but not all - aces enjoy and are aroused by porn. Some - but not all - sexuals do not enjoy and are not aroused by porn. No innate desire for partnered sex then. Just an innate desire to watch it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 22 hours ago, Basrive said: Oh, is this is ace purity test? My libido is strong enough that I could probably partake while doing my taxes, so I’ll just see myself out and visit the pomo-asexual forums. No it’s not a test. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 23 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: Because aces can have a libido, they just don't wanna share it with anyone else. But like watching people share theirs. I get it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 2 minutes ago, James121 said: No innate desire for partnered sex then. Just an innate desire to watch it. ...which has nothing to do with being ace or not, any more than not enjoying watching porn makes a person not sexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 1 minute ago, James121 said: But like watching people share theirs. I get it. Some do, some don’t. Some sexuals do, some don’t. Porn consumption (or the lack thereof) is not a marker for orientation. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Just now, ryn2 said: ...which has nothing to do with being ace or not, any more than not enjoying watching porn makes a person not sexual. Agreed. But the big difference being that being ace you will only ever want to watch and never participate. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 1 minute ago, James121 said: Agreed. But the big difference being that being ace you will only ever want to watch and never participate. Correct. Even those aces who enjoy porn do not want to participate with a partner in the things they see there. We were just answering your question: 23 hours ago, James121 said: If you love touching yourself and bringing yourself to a sexual climax whilst watching videos of people having sex together, how can you be asexual? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 14 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Correct. Even those aces who enjoy porn do not want to participate with a partner in the things they see there. We were just answering your question: Accepted. I’m obviously allowed to find it obscure though. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 22 minutes ago, James121 said: Accepted. I’m obviously allowed to find it obscure though. You’re allowed to think what you like but from the posters here on AVEN (and from my totally nonscientific sample of non-AVEN fandom aces) it seems quite common. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Just now, ryn2 said: You’re allowed to think what you like but from the posters here on AVEN (and from my totally nonscientific sample of non-AVEN fandom aces) it seems quite common. Hmm, I haven’t seen many people posting that they like a bit of porn but I’ll take your word for it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 2 hours ago, James121 said: Hmm, I haven’t seen many people posting that they like a bit of porn but I’ll take your word for it. It comes up fairly often in the threads where people are trying to sort out whether or not they are ace, and sometimes in the ones where people are asking about their ace partners. It’s certainly not universal but some sexual people aren’t fond of porn either. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 2 hours ago, ryn2 said: It comes up fairly often in the threads where people are trying to sort out whether or not they are ace, and sometimes in the ones where people are asking about their ace partners. It’s certainly not universal but some sexual people aren’t fond of porn either. I second this. I’ve seen a lot of posts (especially from new joiners) struggling with this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Victoria Rain Posted April 22, 2019 Author Share Posted April 22, 2019 I was raised with the idea that sex before marriage is wrong and such, because my family is catholic but I'm not and I never took anything they said to heart so I don't think that affected me in any way. And when I say I can look at someone and want to have sex but not desire it is complicated. It's like in my mind I'd be down to have sex with that person but if it were to happen in real life I wouldn't feel comfortable, but if I'm really attracted to that person I would probably have sex with them but feel nothing or even feel disgusted. I also forgot to mention that I also feel no affection towards anyone I've ever been with, as a partner. I can say that I love them, and want to be with them but really I don't feel anything they could cheat right in front of me or dump me out of the blue and I would not feel anything. I don't feel emotionally connected to anyone at least as a partner, maybe that's part of the problem. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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