Help me figure out if I'm asexual

[guitar637]

Hi, I’m a little confused as to if I’m asexual or not and would like some help figuring it out. I’m a guy in his early 20s, and I’m physically attracted to females. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I’ve never had sex. I’ve also never met somebody in real life that I wanted to have sex with. I’ve had multiple opportunities to have sex with people who I found physically attractive, but I always backed out because I was too nervous and didn’t feel any desire to have sex. I have trouble seeing myself as a sexual being and always thought of sex as something that my friends did but not something that I would do. The thought of being naked in front of a woman is rather uncomfortable to me, which makes me wonder if I have intimacy issues.

 

That being said, I do fantasize about people I know in real life and sometimes get off to looking at pictures of people I know that I find attractive. I don’t think I would ever act on those feelings if given the chance though, as I’ve never wanted to have sex with those people in real life. I also watch porn and sometimes imagine myself as part of the scene. Although I have not had a girlfriend, I have had a couple brief relationship-ish things with girls that lasted a couple weeks max. I never felt a desire to have sex with those girls, in fact I sort of felt like they were too special to me to want to have sex with them and that doing so would feel wrong.

 

I wonder if I am asexual, or if I am either just too nervous about the idea of having sex to go through with it, or if maybe my expectations are way too high from watching porn to find anybody sexually attractive. (I would not say I watch porn excessively though and I do not have a porn addiction). Any help is appreciated, thanks!

 

Edited April 15, 2019 by guitar637

[everywhere and nowhere]

You may be asexual. I would also like to mention that there's nothing wrong with "having intimacy issues" as long as one accepts it. I'm very intensely nudity-averse. I just couldn't undress in anyone's presence, even in the dark. I have other reasons for being sex-averse as well, but this one is the most important and makes me simply unable to desire sex. And I wouldn't want to become capable of having sex, wouldn't like to be sex-indifferent, would never want to desire sex.

[NickyTannock]

@guitar637 Welcome to AVEN!

 

Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.

Meaning you're likely Asexual since you've said that you're physically attracted to females but have never met someone in real life that you wanted to have sex with.

But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Guitar Cake,

[guitar637]

Thanks for the input, and thanks for the cake I think the idea of sensual attraction makes a lot of sense to me. Is it common for asexual people to fantasize about people they know in real life without wanting to act on it?

[NickyTannock]

1 minute ago, guitar637 said:

Thanks for the input, and thanks for the cake I think the idea of sensual attraction makes a lot of sense to me. Is it common for asexual people to fantasize about people they know in real life without wanting to act on it?

I don't know how common it is for Asexual people to fantasise about people they know in real life, but I don't fantasise about anyone.

[Samule]

I can't really answer any of your questions and in fact am new on this forum myself. I'm about 20 years older than you are and some (but not all) of what you describe sounds familiar from when I was younger.

 

This post is really just to say all the best with figuring it all out. In my case things (ie relationship things) have turned out good so far, though not without challenges.

 

In the absence of any definite answers, here's a bit more cake 🍰🍰🍰

[JohnQn]

You said you're physically attracted to women.  What does this mean?  When you see a hot girl, does your heat beat faster and your pants start growing?  Or no feeling at all and you'd rather hang out with her than have sex with her.  You could be afraid of sex though.  If your nervous it's hard to perform.   So which is it, honestly?  You don't have to tell me, just be honest to yourself.  

[JohnQn]

MichaelTannuck, you're right on.  I am the filthiest and funniest one of my friends about women.  I love women and say things about them, I just don't need to sleep with them,   I can definitely have thoughts about sex, just don't need to do it.

[guitar637]

JohnQn, it's definitely more of the "no feeling at all and I'd rather hang out with her" type of reaction. I guess that points me more in the direction of being asexual. I think I just wanted to ask on here to see if I'm actually asexual or if something else in my life (intimacy issues, porn use, lack of confidence) might be causing the lack of sexual attraction. I wonder if I'm deeply suppressing any sexual urges I have to the point of not feeling sexual attraction at all. I think that if I were to have sex I would probably feel guilty afterward. Is there a way to differentiate from sexual repression vs asexuality?