Duke Memphis Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Being scared is normal. You're unsure of how he'll react. I've been in that situation before. My advice would be to reassure him that you like him and you hadn't found your label until just recently. Give him a little education about it if he's confused or unaccepting at first. I hope things work out for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Abîme Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 I apologise in advance if this response sounds patronising in any way - please note that I don't mean it like that and that sounding patronising is my worst fear, but I keep getting told I am, when discussing personal issues with people. I think that in this situation, it is crucial for you to note that although you may at the time be feeling pressured into sexual speech, and at that point feel obliged to engage in it, it is definitely never worth it unless you yourself have the desire to engage in it. It may in future cause regret, frustration, and embarrassment, all of which will be amplified enormously if you two ever do the breaking up. So now that we've established that giving in is not of the best Ideas, it is time to decide whether it is better not to tell him in order to conserve your friendship, or do so and see where it takes you. This is a difficult choice even for somebody who's feelings aren't attached to this situation. It seems, from what you've said about your crush's reactions to the lack of sexual atmosphere between you two, that they value the friendship much less, as they have explicitly said that sex is important if you want to have a relationship with them, which implies that they see sex as something essential, and possibly value it on the ranks of your happiness. It is important to take this into account when you take the decision for yourself. Another important thing to note is that when the issue arises with them, they are likely horny (do excuse the expliciteness), and can therefore get frustrated easily by your rejections. It is therefore advised to raise the issue at a time when they are not in the process of doing so themselves, as it would give them a likelier disposition to being 'all accepting' about this. Finally, all that will happen if you don't raise the issue is that the problem will keep arising time after time (probably), and eventually one of you will end the relationship. Although an explanation of your sexuality might also result in the end of this relationship, the former problem will become nonexistent (unless your crush chooses to persist, but that wouldn't be very considerate). Top Tip though: If you are going to tell him, don't mention the fact that you failed to say this at the beginning of the relationship, as this can be a very good anchor for blame, and you don't want to have an unnecessary weak spot. Please make sure that you your self never fail to see that your sexuality is completely natural and that there is nothing wrong with you, and refrain even from saying it in the relationship, as this will give your partner the power, and give him more 'reasons' to pressure you into whatever sexual thing is happening. Please also don't think that I am antagonising you crush. The process of understanding that your partner is asexual is in fact very difficult, and it is essential that you can support them through it. It would be cool also if we had some sort of standardised pamphlet entitled something along the lines of 'So you've discovered that your _insert name of relationship (brother, significant other, etc)_ is asexual'. Guys, do we have anything similar? I think it would be quite amusing and satisfying to give? Anyways good luck with this stuff, and let the cake be with you! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 Hi, thank you for your replies. @Abîme Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 Update: we are just friends now. As I thought, he was inflexible, either sex or just friendship. I'm ok with the friendship I told him. Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 Sorry it didn't work out the way you had hoped. Just as some asexuals are sex averse, some sexuals need the opposite. It doesn't make either of those people bad. Just not compatible.💕 Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 Sorry, I didnt read the whole thread. Just a sexual comment. A nice relationship without romance (and mutually enjoyably sex) is closer to a friendship to most sexuals. I think that a sexual has a rigth to seek a partner that can also be a sexual partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 I think he has that right too, someone who is definitely not going to be me. I just wished there could be some romance, but I guess I can keep living without. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 6 hours ago, Soul of the East said: He asked me how do I ever hope to have companionship. That wasn’t very nice of him. I hope you find someone who’s also looking for a relationship that works for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 Yea, you know... it's a bit disappointing that some people see copulation as the ultimate goal of life while to me it's totally unnecessary. Hopefully in due time I'll find someone compatible. If not another asexual given that we are a minority, at least someone who doesn't assume that I must compromise even just to have company. Thank you all for your replies ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
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