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Mimmie

My husband is gray sexual and has recently told me about this.  I lloovvee my husband and don’t want to leave. I am having a difficult time with the feelings of always feeling not good enough, not attractive for him.   It is very hard to come to terms with. I am willing to compromise, but the hardest part was always being the one to pursue sex.  I would wish all the time for him to come to me.   

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kumiko_itoe

Please don't feel that you are any less attractive to him or that you aren't good enough. The fact that he became aware of it and told you, he must love you very much and it must have taken great courage on his part. 

 

I am gray asexual and my husband is sexual. It is usually my husband who initiates and I will either respond or tell him I'm not into it at that moment. However, I do love him very much and just because I don't feel like having sex sometimes doesn't mean I find him any less attractive. He is fully aware of this and we have gotten to a point whereby we can go without sex for up to 6 months at a time but still have lots of physical contact and affection.

 

 

Open up to him and tell him how you feel. Every couple works differently thus it would be best to work this through with your life partner. 

 

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anisotrophic

@Mimmie I'd encourage you to ask him to help you see what makes you wanted and special to him.

 

My partner and I focused a lot on this "other ways I'm wanted" after we came to understand his asexuality. It was really important for me to keep reminding him to reassure me that I was loved and wanted -- in ways that weren't sex.

 

Until we talked about asexuality, he hadn't realized sexual rejection / not being wanted would have this effect, since it didn't affect him. It was like a big misunderstanding.

 

Like you, I was always initiating, and over the years I think it had a devastating effect on my self esteem. I still have a habit of feeling "never good enough" but it's gotten a lot better, we finally worked out what was wrong ... which was devastating, he didn't want to be this way (and we didn't know asexuality was a possibility) ... But living in the misunderstanding/ignorance is corrosive, so hopefully you'll be feeling better in the long run. Overall I feel calm and happy now -- but it took me many months.

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MichaelTannock

@Mimmie Welcome to AVEN!

 

Your partner likely finds you very attractive.
The thing is, there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.

There's Romantic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which I define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

I've never had or desired either sex or a romantic relationship, but I think if you want to overcome your feelings of being unattractive, you should think about these other types of attraction that are there.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Sleeping Cat Cake,

cat-cake-1.jpg

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James121

Why don’t you tell him that you have an expectation that he will come on to you and initiate intimacy? Put the ball in his court so to speak. It’s a perfectly reasonable request.

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Mimmie

Thank you everyone. 

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