I might be demisexual?

[only_mental]

So, as you can tell by my title and my question mark, I’m confused. I know for a fact that for my entire life, (which hasn’t been long but this has never faltered) I have never experienced sexual attraction. Even now, as I question if I’m a demisexual or not, I still don’t feel sexual attraction towards the person that I am with. I do know that I’d probably be okay with having sex with him if the most ideal situation arises (haha get it). I wouldn’t be the one to initiate it, though. I don’t feel sexual attraction still, but I’m not opposed to participation if that was something that he wanted to do. I know that I trust this adorable, smart, caring, and kind boy more than I’ve ever trusted anyone I have ever met. And I know what he looks for in his future, and maybe I’d be okay with tweaking my view of my own a little to fit him in it. College is approaching, so life will obviously put us a distance apart. I’m trying to figure out what I want. We plan on talking about our future at some point after we graduate, and I just want to know what to say, or how to say it.  Everything I’m feeling is so difficult to explain, and I also don’t want him to be upset or believe that I’ve been lying to him about how I feel about sex. If there’s any demisexuals, anyone in a relationship with a demisexual, or anyone with maybe just some logical words of advice, I would appreciate it so much. Ya girl is going a little crazy over here and it’d mean a lot to hear kind words from strangers on the internet. 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

I can’t tell you if you’re demisexual, but I can help you understand. Demisexual is a person who experiences sexual attraction only after developing a deep connection with the person but it’s not always going to show up. If you feel like you have only felt a desire towards someone to have sex with them after a strong emotional connection, then you’re demi(hetero/bi/pan/homo)sexual. If you’re not quite so sure or there is an exception, you can take on the graysexual label which demisexual falls under. Graysexual means you’ve only experienced sexual attraction towards people rarily and/or only under certain circumstances making it a catch all label type of thing. If you feel like it fits, you can identify as gray(hetero/bi/pan/homo)sexual or just graysexual as the less specific version

[iff]

moved from sexual partners friends and allies to the grey area

 

iff, 

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

[F_p_m]

I'm demisexual and yeah, basically you never get that "phworrr i'd like to take him/her home and do unspeakable things!" feeling when I meet someone for the first time (or first few times).

I get no primary sexual attraction, but you do start realising after a few months or years of knowing someone that oops, suddenly you have a crush on them.

 

I've never felt primary sexual attraction so I have no real idea of what it's like. My husband has tried to explain it but I just stare at him and he gets self concious lol. Growing up I always just assumed my friends were oversexed weirdos talking about how they wanted to sleep with random celebrities and stuff.

I was all "why? they're a stranger."

I genuinely cannot wrap my head around sleeping with someone you just met, honestly the idea makes me feel super uncomfortable. Like.. eugh.. just... no. But a great many people CAN and indeed DO do that. And a great many people have crushes on people they've never met and fantasise about them in a sexual manner apparently.

 

I never realised I was the unusual one for NOT having those fantasies. In fact all my fantasies always involved fictional characters who had a lot of development and personality ahahahaha. Whoops?

 

I crave sex yes, but more I crave the physical intimacy, the connection. I mean sometimes I crave the pleasure aspect too of course but I don't need another person for that ahem (tmi? lol this is the sex board)

 

Now in my case what happens if I get to know a person and then one day I wake up and realise they're no longer just my friend, I now really really want to hug and kiss them and have a relationship with them.

It happens quite suddenly, i'll be fine thinking about them as "just my friend" and then i'm like "yeah but they're kinda adorable right?" and then "I want to kiss them." and it kinda goes from there.

 

So i DO feel sexual attraction, and indeed sexual desire (I actually DO initiate quite regularly ahahah) but I don't get those feelings till i've gotten to know a person and become friends and gotten emotionally close.

I seem to fall for personalities more than physical but once I fall for a personality, they become the hottest person in the dang room. This also explains why my fantasies are more about characters than they are hot celebrities or that sexy guy next door or something. I simply cannot feel sexual attraction just looking at a person. And from what I understand of it, that's demisexual. Non aces apparently CAN just look at a hot person's picture and get their engine going.

I find this idea bizarre and frankly alien.

 

It is possible that you're Asexual but not sex repulsed. The not feeling sexual desire but being okay with doing it if your partner wanted to, to me at least, sounds more like Ace without sex aversion. Sex tolerant ace? I'm not sure the correct term tbh.

 

Or you might be grey and just haven't triggered the right thing yet.

 

The asexual spectrum is pretty broad to be honest and we all experience it slightly differently regardless of overlap in our labels.

 

I'm right on the edge between ace and not ace myself, more sexual than a lot of demis but still lacking in primary sexual attraction. I can look at someone and say "well he/she is very physically attractive" but it always feels more in the way you'd look at a painting or a sculpture and say "this is a very pretty piece of art". There's not desire behind it, no "oo that makes me hot under the collar" sensation. just "that is an attractive human being"

An aesthetic appreciation, which is NOT primary sexual attraction.

Another complicating factor for me, and i'm not sure how true this is of a lot of demis is that because I am attracted to personality and the emotional connection, not so much the physical, I have ZERO gender preference. I'm completely and utterly panromantic.

 

Which actually makes me curious... how many demisexuals are also panromantic?