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I need some advice...


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I’m having a really hard time and I was hoping you guys can help?

 

I just want to say thanks to those who gave their thoughts and opinion on my last post. It gave me some insight and I have decided to “come out” to my ex. I believe he has a right to know since he does take a lot of blame on why we didn’t work out. It’s not his fault that I am the way that I am. He should know that and I want him to feel better. I’m just concerned and have been in a way procrastinating. I’m scared and worried and concerned and UGHHHH idk... I just don’t know if I want to know his answer/ response to when I tell him I’m a heteromantic asexual. Like If I don’t tell him, I feel like I’m pretending and being fake and I really DISLIKE fake people. If I do tell him, there’s a potential I lose him forever and I am unsure if I can handle another loss, I’m in a dilemma and I just need some help... 

 

I was wondering if you guys could give me some advice on how to come out or like what you would do if you were in my situation? 

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I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, how long have you known this person and how good of friends are you? You say he is your "Ex" right? But you guys split up right? I have never heard of an aromantic asexual. That sounds kind of cool. I am so asexual that I do not want to have anything to do with anybody, but like watching movies together on the couch and sleeping in the same bed type thing sounds cool, but no romance. Just really good friendship. I don't think there is anybody out there that would want a relationship for me. But you, if this person is someone you want to be friends with then I would give telling them a shot. Being fake makes you feel uncomfortable, they will see that you have not actually been fake, but that you were having a hard time trying to figure things out. If they are a true friend, that is, don't you think? I say go for it. I think you will be happier that you did and I think this person will appreciate your honesty. I am sorry I don't know all of the details, but that is my two cents! Good luck to you and let me know how it goes if you have time, K?

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58 minutes ago, Fantine said:

I guess the first thing that comes to mind is, how long have you known this person and how good of friends are you? You say he is your "Ex" right? But you guys split up right? Being fake makes you feel uncomfortable, they will see that you have not actually been fake, but that you were having a hard time trying to figure things out. If they are a true friend, that is, don't you think? 

We were on and off for about 10 months. One of the reasons on why our romantic relationship wasn’t working out was because of sex or more so the lack of. We decided that we should just be friends since we still want to be in each other’s lives and we care for each other. I know him pretty well but I’m still scared because I have no idea how he will react. All of this is so tough since its new to me and I don’t really have anyone to turn to for advice because I have no ace friends. Thank you for your two sense and I can update you if you want to know how it all goes down 😅

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I don't think you're being fake if you don't tell him. Your sexuality or lack there of is your own business and there will be times when telling people just isn't a good option.  That being said, I understand the feeling that you're being dishonest if you don't tell him.  If he's someone that you are close with then you just have to weigh the discomfort that keeping it from him might cause against his possible reaction.  Don't feel pressured to do it before you're ready.  If you're worried maybe find a discreet way to bring up the topic of asexuality in a general way and gauge his reaction and go from there.

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If the “sex” was a big part of the reason for what went wrong, then it would be a nice thing to say to him. Just be prepared for him to maybe think, that it is possible to change either his or your sexuality. It isnt. You can both change your approach toward sex (gradually) . You can both change routines, but a mixed relationship, mostly comes with a deepfelt difficulty. 

In short. He migth be a fantastic lover. You probably do not appreciate that and never will. (Btw im sexual in a mixed relationship)

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NickyTannock

@Pollen A belated welcome to AVEN!

 

When I've come out to people, I've used the direct approach, which involves saying that I'm Asexual, and then explaining that it means I'm not attracted to people sexually.

However, this was with people I wasn't closer to than a friend. I've never had a romantic partner.

When I came out to my Dad in February of this year, the feelings I had were too intense for me to use the direct approach, so I wrote everything I wanted to say on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Music Cake,

orland-park-bakery.jpg

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17 hours ago, Pollen said:

We were on and off for about 10 months. One of the reasons on why our romantic relationship wasn’t working out was because of sex or more so the lack of. We decided that we should just be friends since we still want to be in each other’s lives and we care for each other. I know him pretty well but I’m still scared because I have no idea how he will react. All of this is so tough since its new to me and I don’t really have anyone to turn to for advice because I have no ace friends. Thank you for your two sense and I can update you if you want to know how it all goes down 😅

It is all very new to me also. I was so busy working 3 jobs and raising two children that I never thought about my own personal life. Now that my children are in their early 20's I had time to look over my life and if it had not been for these new phrases like 'asexual' I would have never understood my own behavior! When I grew up I was raised a strict Catholic (not anymore) and when I dated as a teen my friends would say 'wow! why does your boyfriend stay with you if you won't have sex with him?" and I would shrug and say, "I don't know, I guess they just like me enough to stay with me" and then I got married and had 2 children (at way, way too young of an age) - 23 yrs old. Then my excuse was, I am just too busy raising children to date anybody. Now that I look back over my life I realised "Holy C..." I am not sexually interested in anybody! And there is a word for it! This all happened about 4 years ago. And this is the only sight I have ever been on and I don't talk to anybody about it. I live with my daughter who also has not dated yet but is bisexual, she thinks. I do not know anybody in my personal life that I can talk to about it. I would love it if you let me know how it is going with you.  It sounds to me like he would be very open to you telling him....I mean it sounds like he is a good friend, right? He will not stop being your friend. If anything it will clear things up for him and maybe make him feel a lot better about things. Please keep me posted. As always, good luck to you :).

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3 hours ago, Fantine said:. Please keep me posted. As always, good luck to you :).

Thank you! I told him. He already knew what Asexuality was, but I had to explain to him what a heteromantic was. He was very understanding and he told me “ I’m not mad or upset, you are who you are and you should be happy” 

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3 hours ago, Pollen said:

Thank you! I told him. He already knew what Asexuality was, but I had to explain to him what a heteromantic was. He was very understanding and he told me “ I’m not mad or upset, you are who you are and you should be happy” 

I hope I am putting these replies in the right place!  I know how to use computers of course but this chat room thing, I don't know if I am doing it right. Anyway, YAAAAAAY!  I am so glad you told him. I hope this makes your life a little less stressful and your friendship even better! I wish I had a friend that I could talk to about it. I tell people like cashiers I know and my neighbors, but I have a few friends but I can't tell them. I think they are too conservative for that kind of information and they are not friends that I have known for many years, except for one person, but I can't tell her either. She'd probably think to herself "why is she telling ME this?" or something. Anyway, have a great night and I hope you can reply to me sometime, just because! 

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On 4/15/2019 at 2:37 AM, Pollen said:

Thank you! I told him. He already knew what Asexuality was, but I had to explain to him what a heteromantic was. He was very understanding and he told me “ I’m not mad or upset, you are who you are and you should be happy” 

That’s amazing 👍

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