Question for the Aro folks about relationships

[Xstatic]

So I've been dating an Ace/Aro for 7 months now, and I have a few questions for you guys to weigh in on.  For the record, I'm pretty hypersexual, and very romantic. So yeah, I get that it's an extreme relationship dynamic. And I'm okay with it. But I do have some questions that maybe you guys can help me out with. So my partner doesn't really give me much in the way of feedback. He does tell me that he loves me. But that is literally the only feedback I get. He does not compliment, he does not indulge. And I think it comes from a good place. I think he feels like you shouldn't need validation from another person in order to feel good about yourself, because that's how he lives his life. However, I still compliment him all of the time. I think it's good for a relationship. But I don't expect it from him.   I love him so much, that I'm okay with weaving through all of our differences.  However, I don't get validation through sex, And I don't get validation through literal words. So what I'm asking is what exactly do you think I should be looking for in order to fulfill my need of validation?  He gives me his time, which is a pretty big deal to him. So I know to look for that. but even that isn't all that much in my scope of what a relationship usually entails.  So do any of you have experience with relationships? How do you express your feelings towards your partner without them being romantic feelings or sexual feelings? I'm just looking for other things in case maybe there's something I'm missing.  I don't necessarily need them, but I'm not going to lie, it would be really nice to have more information on how to gauge his feelings towards me and how he might be expressing his version of affection.  Any insight would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

Honestly I don’t think an aro ace being in a romantic relationship is a good idea because to me, that just seems like an extra chore. Aro aces are better off in friendships or platonic partnerships. I’m ace and almost aro so I’ll give you my insight anyways on this even though every guy is different. If I was in a romantic relationship or platonic partnership, the way I would show affection would be through hugging the person, leaning on them if we were sitting next to each other, having intimate conversations, and through vulnerable situations maybe like dancing or singing with them. Maybe he can relate to those but like I was saying, everybody’s different 🤷🏾‍♂️

[Xstatic]

I appreciate your insight.  And yeah, it's probably a terrible idea, but here I am and I'm just going to take it for what it is and hope for the best.  He's 34 and has never been in a relationship before, so he's willing to try things out and see how they go. I guess that's just part of living life. Whether it works or not, we'll see.  he does cuddle, and he does conversate with me on the regular, but before we were officially dating he did those things with me and also with friends of ours that are mutual so I know that's just a part of who he is.  So it's hard for me to think that those types of things are a greater suggestion of feeling within our relationship. But maybe that's all he has to offer. I'm not sure. Possibly.  Even if it's just a platonic partnership with him, I would actually be okay with that. I just want to know that he wants to be there. And not on some short-term experimental basis.  I've asked him about it, and his response has always been the same.  "Everything is good right now and if it doesn't work out that's fine, but it's good for now.". It is very possible that I'm not going to get any answers and this is all I'm going to get and I need to either accept it or move on. I'm not going to move on, I know me. Either it works out, or he leaves me. It's not going to be me that leaves.  Maybe there are no good answers to my questions. Maybe it's up to me to just accept that what is is.  And that's all it ever will be. And the funny thing is, that I would be fine with that, if I wasn't so scared that he could just discard me at will.  I don't feel like that will happen, but I'm paranoid because all of my other relationships have ended that way.  I guess I have baggage.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

Well I support you guys all the way and I find a lot of respect in that you came here to the community to talk about it and learn more so I really hope everything works out. Rejection is a scare for a lot of people but it’s always good to communicate about these types of things and find comfort in each other. Best of wishes to you

[MLJ]

I'm mostly ace/aro, and while I don't like romantic/sexual interactions, I don't have a problem with expressing feelings to people I care about. For example, I compliment my kids  and tell them that I love them all the time. I hug friends and family. I think being aromantic and being able to let someone know you care about them (through words or actions) are separate things. Many people - including lots of romantic and sexual people - have trouble expressing their feelings too.

 

Do you know your love language? I think you need to know that to know how you should get your validation. For example, if you need to hear words to feel loved, then he needs to work on giving you affirming words so that you can feel loved. It may not come naturally to him to give compliments or tell you why you are important to him - it doesn't for a lot of people - but if he wants you to feel loved, that's something he needs to learn to do. This is particularly important since you aren't getting validated through sex or romance, which you indicated is really important to you. If you're going to be happy in the relationship, then you need to figure out what you need to feel loved and he needs to be able to do those things for you. (And of course, it needs to work both ways - you also do the things that make him feel loved. After all, what's the point of being in a relationship if you don't feel loved and appreciated by your partner?)

[Jarle]

1 hour ago, MLJ said:

Do you know your love language?

Damn, someone beat me to it!

 

A couple of months into their relationship my friend almost broke up with her now husband because of this. The way he was expressing his love wasn't in the way that she listens out for it, but once they were able to recognise that and discuss it things got significantly better for them. I think there's a test somewhere online to find out what 'love language' you speak, but you may instinctively know already what means most to you in a relationship. Once you can recognise yours and that of your partner, you can use it to identify what gestures mean the most to you, and quite possibly recognise what he's giving out that you aren't quite recognising just yet. It may even form the basis of a discussion - "I know you express your feelings through ABC, but it would mean a lot to me if you did XYZ more often"