Jump to content

The Role of Logic In Picking A Partner


alto

Recommended Posts

Ok, so my Mom thinks i'm insane.  But i've recently decided I want to be in a relationship again.  To this effect, I have written down the names of a few guys I know and like.  I have written down pros and cons for each one.  I'm going to talk to my psychologist about this list, to see if she can help me pick a good partner that I will be happy with for at least a few years.

 

Have any of you ever picked a partner in such a methodical way?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Logic has it's place in picking a partner, but too much of anything is bad.

 

Personally, I use logic after I find someone I'm drawn to emotionally, but before my feelings for them get too deep. I know what sort of person works well with me and what just doesn't work for my lifestyle. (For example: I don't want kids. If the person I am crushing on wants children, I know not to pursue a relationship with this person even though I like them.) I could write list after list of wonderful guys I know, and yet none of them are guys I have romantic feelings for, so listing them as potential partners is a waste of time and energy.

 

Logic should be used to curb any rash decisions so you don't let yourself fall in love with someone who is not right for you, like an abusive person or someone who's lifestyle is not compatible with your own, but as the saying goes, "the heart wants what the heart wants." Logic cannot make you fall in love with someone, it can simple help protect you from falling for someone you know is wrong for you.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Scottthespy

I've often found myself linking people to an article called "Love is Not Enough" when hearing the emotional, yet completely devoid of logic reasons they're trying to make a relationship work. Now, I find myself contemplating the opposite. If 'feelings towards one another' are part of your pragmatic list, that can work, but if its not a point of key importance, you may find that relationship falling apart due to one or both parties simply not feeling 'the love', as its said.

 

If your chosen partner is aware that you did this list and found them to be the most logical choice, AND you like each other emotionally on top of that, this is a very good idea. Too many people base things on feelings alone and ignore other areas of compatibility. If you're pursuing this chosen partner without informing them that you based your decision to do so on logic first and foremost, you might want to ask yourself why you didn't want to disclose that information. Not everyone will see this as 'pragmatic', some will see it as cold and heartless. 

 

I'm going to link you to that article, in hopes that it can help you find the balance between logic and emotion when it comes to relationships. Both are needed, along with open and honest communication from both sides. As a heads up, 'you didn't ask so I didn't tell' is not 'open' communication, so you can't use that as a loophole. If you feel the need to resort to such little lies and misdirections, its a bad sign for the future of the relationship.

 

The Article

Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieAlly613

I do things a little bit differently.

 

For each of my female friends, I might a mental list of the pros and cons of "keep our friendship platnoic" vs. "turn our friendship romantic".

 

The catch:  thus far, I've never decided that it was preferable to turn our friendship romantic.

 

The reason I put the word "might" into the second sentence of this post is that often it isn't even worth seriously considering the prospect of romance.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The issue is love isn't logical.

 

You're putting a lot of pressure on so many things that should matter little to a relationship (unless they are dealbreakers, when then obviously do).

 

Love is in the moment. Obviously you plan for the future, but love is a feeling that has zero logic to it. I fell hardest in love, when I planned it the least. It just hit you.

 

That old saying, you only tend to find what you're looking for when you stop looking, comes to mind.

 

Think too far ahead, or about too many details, and you miss the bigger picture.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AspieAlly613
1 minute ago, Perspektiv said:

The issue is love isn't logical.

 

You're putting a lot of pressure on so many things that should matter little to a relationship (unless they are dealbreakers, when then obviously do).

 

Love is in the moment. Obviously you plan for the future, but love is a feeling that has zero logic to it. I fell hardest in love, when I planned it the least. It just hit you.

 

That old saying, you only tend to find what you're looking for when you stop looking, comes to mind.

 

Think too far ahead, or about too many details, and you miss the bigger picture.

If there isn't some element of rationality to at least alert you to red flags, you're risking a stressful and painful situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, AspieAlly613 said:

If there isn't some element of rationality to at least alert you to red flags

Correct, that's what I meant with the "dealbreakers". Those are the only instances where logic applies in love in my opinion.

 

Other than that, you're best keeping things unspecific (I.E Someone who makes you happy, vs someone who has a specific laugh, height, and eye color), or risk pushing good partners away via being unrealistically picky.

 

Its kind of like online dating, and why it fails for so many. Many are out looking for the "perfect partner", obviously that this doesn't exist.

Link to post
Share on other sites
kumiko_itoe

Using logic to pick a partner is going to take you down only one of two roads : a practical but semi-satisfactory relationship OR looking for many years and not finding it. 

 

I had a long list for what I look for in a partner. My mom told me "be ready to die single". LOL  She told me to be pragmatic.

 

When I was 16 (before I knew about Asexuality and AVEN), friends pressured me into going on my first date. I didn't have any feelings for the guy but logically he was a decent guy (pleasant to look at, we are able to have both fun and serious conversations about the various topics available, had a steady job, had parents who are really nice and not the type who would treat me badly, willing to accept that I would not sleep with him before marriage and someone who I may be able to work things out with). However after 3 months, I just couldn't tag him along cause there was absolutely no spark for me. I was brought up to be pragmatic and practical but I couldn't help but feel something was missing. Dating him was merely like going out with a friend.....I had the same chemistry with him as I did with many of my good friends. 

 

Some years later, I met my ex-boyfriend from AVEN. I only checked a small part of my list....and logically it might work even though we lived in different continents. It was a magical 2 years that we had. I truly loved him with all my heart during our time together and we did discuss marriage BUT again my dad raged about me dating a different race. We are still very good friends until today.

 

Then I met my husband. He doesn't fit logically...and again my dad raged that he was a different race. In fact, I should have run or friend-zoned him. I still am baffled at how we had the sparks flying and got married within 3 months of knowing each other (totally out of character for me). We've been married for almost 10 years now and although I am ACE and he isn't, we understand each other and we make each other happy enough that sex is secondary. It doesn't play primary role in how we feel about each other. 

 

Don't try to fit anyone into a mould. It has to be about who would be emotionally supportive and who you are able to live with for the rest of your life. The level of comfort and wish to be with that person has to be that high. 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/11/2019 at 6:28 PM, alto said:

Ok, so my Mom thinks i'm insane.  But i've recently decided I want to be in a relationship again.  To this effect, I have written down the names of a few guys I know and like.  I have written down pros and cons for each one.  I'm going to talk to my psychologist about this list, to see if she can help me pick a good partner that I will be happy with for at least a few years.

 

Have any of you ever picked a partner in such a methodical way?

 

 

Your psychologist will not help much because she doesn´t know those guys in person. In these things, it´s better that you follow your instinct and your logic.

Don´t worry if it doesn´t work, or if you feel pain. Remember: pain is part of life.

If you have good memories in your new relationship, then feel lucky, many people can´t feel it for various reasons. And as you know, time advances and doesn´t return.

Good luck

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/11/2019 at 6:42 PM, CBC said:

Do not pick someone this way. People expect relationships to be based on actual strong feelings, unless you're both going into it completely knowingly and willingly for some practical reason. Unless you're trying to decide between two individuals you already care for deeply and you need to make a decision as to who you're going to be with, what you're doing sounds rather selfish and deceitful.

This may seem very true to us. However, there are many people who like, a little, several boys or girls at the same time (they like something characteristic of each one); I have noticed it in several people, it seems that it is their nature.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...