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Aromantic problem or introvert problem?


WanderingKate

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WanderingKate

On top of being asexual, I am aromantic, and on top of being aromantic, I am a loner. 

I wish I was satisfied with just friendship...and I am somewhat for now. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends. But deep down I know I will eventually want more. Not in a romantic sense, but as a companion. 

 

The problem is, with every relationship I've had and even some friendships, the attraction aspect of things led to the other person becoming extremely attached to me, and wanting a somewhat traditional relationship. And when I say traditional, I mean wanting to spend time together multiple times per week, wanting to always be near each other, etc. That kind of relationship hasn't really worked for me in the past. 

 

Basically, no matter how much I care for the person, at some point I feel like I'm drowning if I'm around other people too long, I need to escape. I need several hours of alone time per night basically, and I feel like no matter what kind of relationship I have, the other person ends up unhappy or thinks I'm avoiding them.

 

I don't know if this is even an aromantic problem or just an severe introvert/loner problem. I think it has something to do with aromanticisim, because I imagine that for romantics, once attraction kicks in it somewhat overrides the desire to be alone. Even if they prefer to be alone when it comes to most people, even the most introverted people I know seem to be able to "make room" for a partner, whereas I can't. 

 

At the end of the day, I think I'd be fine with a relationship as long as the person didn't invade my space too much and just wanted to meet up for an hour or so, and then we could spend our nights by ourselves...but I know it doesn't work this way. I know that once someone becomes attracted they want to spend a lot of time with you, several times per week, and for me that's too much. 

 

I NEED to be able to lock myself away from the world and just decompress for at least two hours at the end of the day, and this seems like a deal breaker for so many people. And I'm really not touchy feely, so while I'm not opposed to a little touching...more than a little does throw me off. 

 

Ultimately I want a partner who is committed to me, but I know that I don' t have much to offer in terms of meeting a partner's emotional needs. I just want someone who I can put first and who will put me first in difficult times, someone to eat dinner with and talk about our days, and then who will allow me to go hide in my cave and be a weird loner for the rest of the night. All of my friends do that with their boyfriends instead of me, which I understand, but it's hard. Anyone relate or have advice? 

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I'd say that it's a combination of both.

 

I'm the same way, aromantic, and could probably live far far away and never see another human again and be perfectly happy with that.

I haven't really bothered trying to find a "companion", though, and doubt I ever will. I suppose I've accepted my situation, not that I was ever that into the idea of a companion, but it would be nice to have a close friend. Have I ever bothered to actually try to make a close friend? No.

 

I got no advice, but yeah, hello.

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2 hours ago, WanderingKate said:

I don't know if this is even an aromantic problem or just an severe introvert/loner problem. I think it has something to do with aromanticisim, because I imagine that for romantics, once attraction kicks in it somewhat overrides the desire to be alone. Even if they prefer to be alone when it comes to most people, even the most introverted people I know seem to be able to "make room" for a partner, whereas I can't. 

It does seem more like an aromantic issue to me.  Even though introverts have the need to be alone frequently, we usually make exceptions for love interests/partners more often than not.

 

I remember having a couple of love interests and I wanted to be around them all night & day, several times a day, right up on top of them, under them.....everywhere but inside them LOL!  And I'm pretty darn introverted.  Besides that I'm a demiromantic ace, so when those romantic feelings hit, they hit soo hard they knock the introvert right out of me when it comes to someone special. 😄

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I can not advise but I can relate with you, @WanderingKate  . You are not the only one longing for such partner but society makes it difficult to admit it publicly. Being an introvert does not means being heartless! Not being a 'people person' is ok.

17 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

It does seem more like an aromantic issue to me.  Even though introverts have the need to be alone frequently, we usually make exceptions for love interests/partners more often than not.

 

I remember having a couple of love interests and I wanted to be around them all night & day, several times a day, right up on top of them, under them.....everywhere but inside them LOL!  And I'm pretty darn introverted.  Besides that I'm a demiromantic ace, so when those romantic feelings hit, they hit soo hard they knock the introvert right out of me when it comes to someone special. 😄

@Aceof Hearts's experience of the love pull sounds so nice but in my case it was never enough:

48 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I'm the sort you have to make an appointment with!😆

Yes like @Marian the Herbalist and @chandrakirti , this is how it turned out most of the time.

Being almost aro, I run away in front of pushy people. On the other hand I fear that those who don't complain about my huge personal space may actually do so because they do not care about our relationship/friendship.  See how I still believe in this cliché myself in my moments of doubt... 🤔

In the end I could only find the right distance with one or two very close friends. So I could use some advice too I guess.

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Celyn: The Lutening

I'm both extremely introverted and romantic.

It's all about balance. While I can spend a lot of time with people I'm fond of, I still need alone time. If you find a partner, make sure they understand your need for space and that that doesn't mean you care for them any less.

Also, the kind of person who understands the concept of being alone together (e.g. they're playing pokemon, you're reading, in the same room but not talking) is awesome.

 

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Custard Cream
1 hour ago, Celyn said:

I'm both extremely introverted and romantic.

It's all about balance. While I can spend a lot of time with people I'm fond of, I still need alone time. If you find a partner, make sure they understand your need for space and that that doesn't mean you care for them any less.

Also, the kind of person who understands the concept of being alone together (e.g. they're playing pokemon, you're reading, in the same room but not talking) is awesome.

 

I absolutely relate to this. Although I'm not an introvert and love company, I absolutely need plenty of time alone too.  I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who begrudged me that. 

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omg I read your whole post and thought, "are you me?" haha. Before I even knew I was aroace, I loved having my time alone and I too always felt smothered if someone hung out with me too much or wanted to see me all of the time. Sometimes it would kill friendships if someone was way too clingy either via texting or just IRL. It is both an aro and introvert problem for me, and I totally relate to you about how people become very attached/attracted to you, and it can get really annoying really fast...

 

I don't really have any advice, but I guess I just wanted to say I understand how you feel and it's really tough when you want a close friendship with someone without the "extra" (romance, etc, seeing each other too often). It seems like almost everyone else out there wants a romantic relationship, and once they realize that you're not into that things can get awk... But I think there are other introverts out there that like space and only want to hang out every now and then!! But they seem to be in lower numbers than extroverts... which sucks, but they're out there so don't give up hope! I hope you're able to find someone that understands your needs to be alone and understands that you still love them despite that space.

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@WanderingKate You sound so much like my boyfriend.  He is also aro/ace and introverted.  I call dating him 'hard mode' because there are so many challenges I've never faced in a relationship before.  The first few months were really messy for both of us.  Really trying to figure out how to interact with each other.  I actually got some ideas off of AVEN based on how Allo and Ace partnerships are handled and I applied it to our social schedule.  Basically we are together every Monday and Thursday night.  Once I created a schedule we were both much happier.  He knows that those days are coming.  He can be ready for them.  He still has plenty of time for himself.  His anxiety over how much time I need from him diminished and we just actually enjoy our time together.

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I absolutely understand where you're coming from as I'm also an aroace introvert.

I love my alone time but also enjoy scheduled time with close friends and family where I can share meaningful conversations.

It would be a dream come true to find an exclusive companion who understood this and accepted that there would be no overly physical relationship. I feel that a strong platonic relationship is very close to romantic partnership, so this difference is negligible.

It can be hard enough for non aroace people to find their life partner, so I have no clue as to how to even begin looking for someone who not only ticks the essential boxes but also has the other combinations of interests and personality.

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blueheroness

I could've written everything you said!!  Omg!!  I feel this way all the time!  I just had a horribly stressful conversation with my sister about this very issue. Becasue she was upset that I wasn't spending time with her. But I am like you I NEED time alone and I feel like I never have it because I live with a my older sister (different sister...i have 4), her two kids, my Mom and a lady that rents a room. Its literally never silent which drives me insane. And I find my body waking me up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep and I honestly think it's bc my brain is craving silence and knows it can get it at 3 am. 

 

So I literally feel like I don't have emotional space and balance and therefore I hardly ever want to socialize. 

 

But beyond that I don't like talking to people everyday. No one. There is no one I'd want to talk to every-day. Even the people I love the most on the planet I only meet in person every few months. Talk on the phone less than that and message occasionally. I can't help it either. 

 

I know my friends and family want more from me but I feel so defeated by that because I don't want to see them more. And I don't think it would be good for me either. I really need the space. It makes me happy. I feel so happy by myself. 

 

But I feel like I'm cruel when they ask to hang out because we haven't seen each other in 3 months and I still don't want to see them. Again, it's not people I hate. It's not personal. It's applies to everyone. And I feel like they are really baffled and I don't know how to tell people that I love them but I have no need to see them often. It's so hard to explain and make it sound nice! 

 

I wish I had a solution for us. I just relate completely. 

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