Not interested in being a sub

[Guest]

Ok, so I'm a virgin and the most experience I've had with any kind of submission is when I'd send dumb cat lingerie to ex and and wore a makeshift bell collar for her (this was online dating :P). Fantasy wise (I shall avoid sexual things for you aces) I had a self insert in which I would tend to a fictional characters needs etc. I don't know if I got off much on this, but I  personally would like to be more masculine, dominant,  learn how to take the initiative, and that be my sole comfort zone. Yet, I seem to have the behaviors of the typical AFAB person, not to mention submissive desires. I would like to know how to get rid of those or at the very least let them run their course. I want to be in control of what I get off too and my behaviors. Just an anxious dork looking to own their desires wheeee. Leaving sexual aside, are there any former subs out there or switches that know how to tap into that dominant side?  (I've heard that being more masculine helps as well, want to work on that as well.)  Also don't give me the whole accept it things, I want them gone so I can create new ones I own. 

[Guest]

I wrote this all when I was sleep-deprived. Ignore it and get on with your life. I just have issues with things out of my control blah blah blah. Experiencing burnout and my mind is wanting to run away in everywhere possible, so obviously throwing things in my face that I don't like are apparently how I'm supposed to cope. Hence this, some mod please come and delete this thread.  g

[Puck]

"Dominant" and "submissive" in terms of sex play are not innately gendered. Many doms are female but aren't in any way masculine; female power is a real thing. Dom/sub play about power play. While the stereotypes are that men are more dominant than female, it's pretty clear that those were ideas pushed on the genders rather than actually true realities. There are many men who love being dominated by strong women and many strong women who love nothing more than to do that for them.

 

What might help you is to find some content that you like and absorb it. There is plenty of smut or porn out there that displays a strong female and submissive male. Reading/watching it to learn how the dynamic is cultivated and sustained might help you to explore what you like and how you can become the dom you want to be. I'd bet there is even non-binary smut out there (people write everything) where the power dynamic can be explored without the stereotypes of gender holding it back from being anything but about power.

 

You might also find luck finding a kink forum where you can talk to real female doms and learn from them how they like to play. I'm sure you can also meet lots of switches or doms that were once subs (like, they don't switched, they only dom now but they did once sub).

 

Hope that all helps.

[Guest]

I am nonbinary and in a neutral area. I'm wanting to know how to get rid of submissive desires so I can come into my own as a dom. Not to mention the submissive behaviors I'd exhibits are very dysphoria inducing. TwT Those subby desires are holding me back... 

[everywhere and nowhere]

Why should there be any hierarchy whatsoever in sex? Inequality harms love.

[Scottthespy]

I'm not sure you can alter your innate sexual desires. You could try exposure therapy in the hopes that you can 'fake it till you make it', but that's been proven to not really work well, if at all. If playing a submissive roll is what does it for you, there's nothing wrong with that...I've been in a few text based roleplays where the submissive managed to be very masculine about it, its all in how you play the roll. I would advise you to look into this in forums that talk more specifically about sex acts and styles, as they'll probably have more specific advice to offer you.

[Alejandrogynous]

If subbing is what you actually like and innately respond to, you're not going to have much luck getting rid of those feelings. If you would prefer taking on a more dominant role in the future, you'll have better luck with exploring that side of yourself in addition to what you already like, not viewing it as a replacement. 

 

As for how to do that, I'd suggest finding someone (a real person or character in a book or movie) who has the energy you want to emulate, and watching them. Watch how they carry themselves, how they communicate with other people. Try to mimic their confidence. You can do this with porn/erotica but also it might help to start with overall demeanor in daily life and work your way up to how that translates into BDSM play. You can also find kink forums or sites like Fetlife for other people's stories. A lot of doms start out as subs, which is good because then they already know intimately what it's like to be in the submissive role and that experience helps them be better dominants. It's much easier to care for someone when you've been in the same situations, and you'll be able to understand and respond to their actions more expertly.

 

In the end, you should do what feels right for you. Maybe you'll be an awesome Dom. Or maybe you'll find out that you're just romanticizing being dominant because it seems "masculine" (it's not) and will learn to view submissiveness in a less negative way. I have been a dom in the past and learned that as much as I wished (at the time) that that were really me, I'm more subby by nature. But submission isn't 'lesser' or more 'feminine' than domination, those things aren't gendered and there are loads of female doms out there who aren't the least bit manly. Also, in a healthy BDSM relationship or scene, submissives have just as much power - if not more - than the doms. BDSM isn't about telling people what to do or being told what to do, it's about trust and vulnerability, and neither side is lesser than the other. It's really important to understand that because if you're looking down on yourself for your own submissive nature, you're probably going to view other subs the same way and that's a dangerous way for a dom to think.

 

Lastly, there isn't really such a thing as "being in control of what you get off to." People with kinks and fetishes didn't just decide one day to have them or think, "gee, watching girls sit on cakes would be a fun way to jack off to for the rest of my life." We like what we like, just like with our sexual orientation. Trying to get rid of your natural desires because you don't like them is setting yourself up for a bad time.

[Alejandrogynous]

2 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why should there be any hierarchy whatsoever in sex? Inequality harms love.

If there's inequality in a BDSM relationship, you're doing it wrong.

[Guest]

I never said that there is an inequality. I'm not looking for an inequality.  I'm fine with those feeling better there as well, I just prefer a more dominant role in life/a relationship. By nature I am not a sub in life yet as time has gone on my anxiety has destroyed my confidence. I just feel like I could not live solely as a bottom or sub. It's also possible this is getting thrown in my face because I've "neglected"  my needs in fantasies. Yet I feel like I focused the on the one bottoming to ease the pressure off. I suppose I miss the safe space I had as well whatever I used to have.  Yes, I'm well aware being masculine has nothing to do with it as well. I have been feeling really stressed lately as well, so those whatevers might be rearing their ugly head because of that.  (Also never viewed submission as weakness, I just never viewed it as me. It's upsetting that I might have been wrong about what I like this entire time...I just want to focus on my partner TwT in fantasies though really people can go fuck themselves)

[Artistbikerfarmer]

I'm sh*t at advice, so maybe ignore this, in my experience...

I find in life in general there is something in self-agency, taking the initiative, that requires practice.

The dominant people I've met aren't "masculine" but confident in themselves and big on self-knowlage/self-acceptance.

You can't change what you're made of but you can mould it's shape. 

[Alan Degas]

Honestly, I think a good start would be to move away from words like sub and dom and the whole idea that sex is about receiver and giver and contains any sort of hierarchy or whatnot. 

 

You want to learn to be more assertive in life in general? Look into cognitive therapy and practice, practice, practice. 

[Guest]

You are correct on some some things. I do believe powers are shared, it's just humiliating because life has taken out the spark I used to have. I used to thrive on having control, now it scares me. If all I'm able to do is trust and be vulnerable, yet be unable to return in, it's saddening. I don't like the fact that I would be incapable of giving them that release. TwT Over time personalities can alter I believe and so can desires and kinks. I want to be able to take back what I used to be. (and be able to take the initiative in any area of my life, including bedroom. Though keep in mind I have literally no experience whatsoever lol, that might be a problem...) 

[Guest]

Won't lie though, it's painful to turn out to be what I wanted to avoid. Ever since I noticed the standard female (didn't know my gender at the time and yes ik every female is not like this) wanted to be submissive. Have the "dom" do whatever, I didn't want to do this. I wanted to take a different approach, be able to care and provide for my partner in every best way I could. I got hooked on this stuff at a young age too however, found fanfic at age 10, I'm 19 now. It sexualized things I did. Like meowing at my mom and hissing at people (turned into petplay even though at age 15 I truly believed that I enjoyed taking care of someone and "being" the owner too) In fact that is when I dated, and hell I didn't need to be exposed to any of that stuff, but here I am with desires overpowering my life and thoughts. I'm trying to break what I feel like was enforced upon me by nature and perhaps what I did to my own mind. 

[ryn2]

21 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said:

If there's inequality in a BDSM relationship, you're doing it wrong.

*nods*  Power play is not about actual inequality.

[Guest]

eh