Aromantic realisation in later life

[rancidpunk]

Hi,

 

Newbie here, but not of the world. Being 45, and coming out of a long term relationship last year, the last few months have been very up and down. Coming from an era where aromantic hadn't been heard of, and finding females attractive, I'd lived my life until this week thinking I was heterosexual, and thoroughly miserable as a result

 

However I had a lightbulb moment earlier this week, after discussing with some friends, and some soul searching later I phoned the ex. We'd been together 18 years, the last 5 of which had been hell until I eventually ended it, with the hell continuing. I had thought I was in love, never having been before, but came to the conclusion that being the most intense feeling I'd had with anyone, this must be love. When my ex confirmed that she knew neither of us had been in love from the start, and it then made sense to me, and her accepting this had eventually led to her going off the rails. I'd never been romantic, not that touchy feely either, and I'd kind of gone along with kissing as well until near the end it was just a quick lip brush.

 

Along the way sex had waned too, early on plenty, then less and less and it became more of a routine than spontaneous. I suffered impotency on and off and put this down to a variety of factors, and then nothing in the last few years. This year, I've grown close to a young woman I met New Year, and from February onwards have spoken everyday, have become supportive exclusively to each other, cooking together, film nights, walks etc. I just put this down to being friends, happened plenty in previous years, and thought nothing of it. Feelings grew between us and sometimes previously this had developed into a sexual relationship that fizzled out. As we were discussing this I had lightbulb moment number two. This was exactly how I had been with my ex during most of our relationship, although intense and doing couply things I realised that, although a pretty woman, I felt no romantic feelings but also realised there were no sexual ones either. As much as we loved each other, it was not a sexual attraction. 

 

After 45 years on this planet, some digging on the internet, getting accustomed to new terms, it suddenly dawned on me that my approach to relationships had been failing as I'd approached it heterosexually. If I applied it from an aromantic asexual perspective, then suddenly things became clear. Good friendships developing sexually and quickly losing interest in sex. The rapid decline of my 18 year relationship and suddenly realising why my ex had gone the way she had, and the fact that my current friend and I were in a platonic relationship that I thought was wonderful and all I wanted. Although I've enjoyed sex to an extent, it's never been the be all and end all, and I'd just found myself in the most amazing relationship where sex was not a consideration at all.

 

I'm guessing that I'm correct in my identification, unless anyone wants to suggest otherwise? My next question is where from here? My current friend and I have decided to cool things off and try to be just friends, cut out the more intense side of our relationship. She is very much pansexual so this would only ever be a short term thing as completely incompatible. As a heterosexual, at least in mind, dating seemed easy, if not the result. However, how on earth do we find compatible partners that wish for something long term, exclusive and completely platonic in nature? I feel relieved and some of the depressing thoughts since my split have suddenly cleared viewing it from my new perspective, just no idea what to do next.

 

Thank you

[Guest]

Congrats man, I found out I was grey-romantic when my "love" was layers of platonic and something else similar to romantic. The nature of it I do not not know.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Welcome @rancidpunk.. It's great when the jigsaw is put into place.

Aroace here too... It's not a bad life being aroace!

[rancidpunk]

1 minute ago, chandrakirti said:

Welcome @rancidpunk.. It's great when the jigsaw is put into place.

Aroace here too... It's not a bad life being aroace!s

Cheers. Yea, I'd never given it consideration before recently. When I realised I'd stumbled into a platonic relationship, instead of just friends, it's as good as I've felt with someone without the extra pressure of sex. Even before I'd always felt pressure with it, societal and from within relationships, it's just hard coming to terms with actually not wanting something as much as has been hardwired into the brain. Acceptance is a start though, and I'm at least past the 'I've never loved, what's wrong with me?' stage a few days back and fully embraced half my new identity. 

First tattoo at 44, first recognised platonic relationship at 45, here's to next year's first!

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

Haha! Good for you! Nobody here is broken for being ace. It's great you found a relationship that fits. 😊🍰

[rancidpunk]

It's a shame I had to end it really, but she'll move on to a relationship I wouldn't be able to fulfil. 

First time seeing her again tonight and it's strange as I already feel different about it and don't feel pain at all, just need to work out those borders we crossed that took it from friendship to platonic relationship. 

[Muledeer]

Welcome to AVEN.  I thought your post was a good read.  

[rancidpunk]

Thank you kindly, although it now looks like finishing it didn't work, as we're back together until one of us decides otherwise. I can't complain haha

[Muledeer]

Perhaps a better understanding of your romantic and asexual orientations will help your relationship survive.  I hope it does - good luck!

[rancidpunk]

@Muledeer Apparently not it would seem, understanding boundaries is obviously not my forte