I’m so confused 2.0

[theatrenerd]

Recently I have been becoming more comfortable with my asexual identity. On Instagram I've made some ace friends and we have been becoming really close and honestly I don't know where I would be in my questioning phase if it wasn't for them. However, I've been kinda questioning my romantic orientation and I don't really have anyone to ask since nobody in the chat is aroace.

 

When I was younger I only got a few  "crushes" (I put that in quotations because idek if they were). I'm pretty sure I've ALWAYS confused romantic attraction and just wanting to be friends but I honestly don't know. I think the "crushes" that I did have were on people that didn't really know well but honestly I can't remember since I have the absolute worse memory in the entire world. I remember when I was younger and One Direction was huge everyone had a favourite that they thought was the "hottest" and I didn't understand at all. I ended up just picking a random one so people could get off my back when they asked. Now when people ask me if I have a crush and I say no they always say that I'm lying and that "everyone has a crush on someone" and it honestly has made me so confused. I have no idea if I can picture myself in a romantic relationship but the other night I had a dream that made me EVEN MORE confused. Only remember one part of it and not even that well. Basically there were this guy and this girl that I don't even know all of the sudden he was randomly like "Why don't we all just kiss each other for fun". The one girl agreed to it and for some reason I did too. Anyways when I kissed them it felt so real and the idea of kissing has never intrigued me in real life but now I am confused since I haven’t actually kissed anyone or even desired to (I know that some aros still enjoy kissing/romantic activities, I’ve just never tried or experienced it myself) So I guess my question is how do distinguish a squish from a crush if you don’t even understand what romantic attraction really is?

 

Lol sorry bout how random and all over the place this was

[Eveelowthwaite]

First of all don’t put any stock in dreams. After a couple hours of Sims, and a few episodes of Schitt’s Creek I dreamed Stevie and I were dating and road tripping through Canada, but I lost her in the UCLA frats...so yeah. Dreams are just your brain sorting and categorizing both sensory input and memory, and probably some hormones (lol). 

 

Now, re: kisses, if you ever want to try it outside a dream go for it. If it makes you uncomfortable stop, if you enjoy cool, do what feels right for you! Always providing enthusiastic consent has bee obtained, of course. 

 

Re: squishes vs crushes, honestly I don’t understand what squishes are supposed to be.  Maybe because I’ve never wanted to be intense friends with anyone. I’ve had crushes but these were more of a sexual infatuation or obsessive interest than anything else.  For me (as a sexual person) when I experience a crush I want to get to know the person better, spend lots of time with them and engage in sexual activity w/them.  However that all fades fairly quickly and then I don’t care about them at all (that’s the aromantic part). 

 

My honest opinion is don’t focus on it! Crushes, squishes, all of it are ways for a society obsessed with couples to define relationships as one thing or another. None of it matters though. Not really. Make friends with people who interest you, date if it feels right, focus energy elsewhere if it doesn’t! 

 

The central narrative of your life doesn’t have to be a relationship if that’s not what really interests you. Your narrative could be your career, your friends, your activism, whatever! Don’t let others and their obsessive focus on love and relationships define your life unless you want them to.

[ImperialLad]

So, I'm not too familiar with the weird language terms, but I've been in similar scenarios. Not having a crush or something as a kid, outside of 1 or 2, is pretty normal, and heck, as an adult, you probably wouldn't. Maybe just think about the people you know and ask yourself what you really feel, would you be comfortable with them even outside of romantic scenarios, stuff like that. Sorry I'm a bit rubbish, but just running your brain through it should help, at least to give closure on an issue or something, just ask yourself if it feels right. Letting your mind decide should help, and might clear your mind at the end of the day. 

[Gldlynch]

I wonder if this diagram can be of good help 🙂

 

[anxious_mix]

I relate a lot to this, but I'm not sure if I have answers.

I had crushes growing up too, but I think that's just of hetero/allonormativity. I think I just interpreted my appreciation for personality and/or desire to be friends as a crush. Because I never had an actual desire for a relationship with that person or even wanted to engage in romantic behavior. I think I mostly just wanted them to like me because the attention is nice. 

As for telling apart a squish from a crush? I've heard that with a crush you want to do romantic things with the person like hold hands and go on dates and cuddle and stuff like that. When I get a squish, I just really want to be friends with someone or I just feel really strongly about my friendships, where I want to be special to my friends. 

 

I don't know if that helps. I find the whole spectrum of romantic to platonic attraction very confusing honestly so my answer is probably all over the place.