Chifufuni Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I have been married for 8 years to my husband which we both discovered is a grey-a. I love him very much but, I am trying to deal with the depression I get from him when it comes to sex. He wants sex with me but, when it comes down to giving him pleasure. I know he says it is fine but, I always feel like I am a terrible wife as I can't do anything for him, that he does for me. He always reassures me that it is okay. The only thing I miss when dating is when we had worked together in the same office and completed our jobs in perfect sync. Now that he decided to get out, the military we are unable to work together like that. Is this wrong? Or do we need to seek help? Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 6 hours ago, Chifufuni said: He wants sex with me but, when it comes down to giving him pleasure. I know he says it is fine but, I always feel like I am a terrible wife as I can't do anything for him, that he does for me. You are sexual. He is not. Where is the problem? If he is not sexual, understand that *you are doing what he wants* in NOT pleasuring him sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpy Alien Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 That sounds more like depression, not sexual orientation. I’m not sure I understand the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Alan Degas Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 So you have sex but he doesn't orgasm? Is that what you mean? Sorry if I don't understand correctly. Link to post Share on other sites
Chifufuni Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 So he likes making me happy sexually but I feel like I am unable do anything for him. Even though he tries to reassure me that he is happy. It feels like this is just a one sided relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Chifufuni Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 10 hours ago, Alan Degas said: So you have sex but he doesn't orgasm? Is that what you mean? Sorry if I don't understand correctly. Yes. That is correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Speaking from some degree of personal experience, some people are just more givers than receivers, among both asexuals and sexuals. Their enjoyment comes from giving. They really don't need/want anything done back "to" them. Don't sweat it so much, just enjoy. (Unless you're also a giver, in which case there might be some degree of sexual incompatibility to work out...) Link to post Share on other sites
rancidpunk Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Speaking as someone who suffered depression and impotency issues some years back, with a long term partner that kept on insisting that she try to pleasure me. Well, the issues got worse as she persisted, with stress just adding to them, this was the catalyst for her becoming my ex after 18 years together. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 I would really like to be a good lover and give my partner the greatest experiences and fullfill her dreams and release her from stress. Sometimes being a good lover with an ace partner is to accept shortcuts, unenthustiastic quickies, diy-handjobs while hugging and mostly accept ‘no sex as not the same as no love”. It makes no sense to keep pushing the same present down someones throat (a bit pun intended) if they would actually rather have an other present. Sometimes, as I make my daily morning coffee with whipped cream, for my wife, I remember that doing this is pleasing her. I tell her that I love her. I do things (like projects on the house) to make her happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Honestly, I a lot of the time give but dont want to receive. Giving and teasing fulfills a lot of my desires and I am very low libido, so if not in the mood, I prefer not receiving. If he has no "in the mood" for himself then I totally get not wanting to receive. But, talk to him - he may be getting a lot of emotional fulfillment from giving if he is grey and likes the giving. Which, I know it isn't quite the traditional "I need to give my partner an orgasm so I know they enjoyed it", but I know personally, my enjoyment doesn't change much if I receive or not .. its still bonding and fun to give. So if you are wanting to give him pleasure, you could be already. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 9 hours ago, Chifufuni said: So he likes making me happy sexually but I feel like I am unable do anything for him. That’s where these posts apply: 7 hours ago, Philip027 said: Speaking from some degree of personal experience, some people are just more givers than receivers On 4/5/2019 at 2:24 PM, anamikanon said: If he is not sexual, understand that *you are doing what he wants* in NOT pleasuring him sexually. 2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: You're asking him to want sex for himself and enjoy it in the same way you do - it's not going to happen. What would actually please him sexually is to never have sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Alan Degas Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 If he is able to have sex but can't orgasm and he insists he's ok with that... then take him on his word. There can be plenty of reasons why it is like that but it's kinda on him to "fix it" ...and to decide if it even needs fixing! All you can do is keep communication open Link to post Share on other sites
Chifufuni Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: This is about the best you're going to get in a 'mixed' relationship with an asexual. You're asking him to want sex for himself and enjoy it in the same way you do - it's not going to happen. What would actually please him sexually is to never have sex. Truthfully he doesn't mind having sex, he has stated he is aesthetically repulsed by the Male body. He has stated he prefers how the female body looks. 2 hours ago, Alan Degas said: If he is able to have sex but can't orgasm and he insists he's ok with that... then take him on his word. There can be plenty of reasons why it is like that but it's kinda on him to "fix it" ...and to decide if it even needs fixing! All you can do is keep communication open Thanks, I will keep up the communication with him. Thank you all for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Alan Degas Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Sounds to me like he actively wants sex...? OP doesn't really state any issues with that part, as far as I understand. It's just that he doesn't finish. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 As a sexual, I ONLY enjoy giving pleasure and have no interest in receiving. A partner trying to insist that I enjoy 'receiving' will only turn me off and push me away from them. The pleasure I get is through pleasing them sexually, I do not want to receive. Insistence that I receive pleasure is (for me) like if a partner kept insisting on an@l even if I didn't want it -very unarousing. If your husband is in the same boat as me, then if you keep insisting he receive sexual pleasure you'll eventually push him away. You need to find a way to be happy with what you ARE getting because believe me, there are many sexuals with ace partners who don't get any form of sexual intimacy at all. You're actually getting a lot from him whether he is grey-A or full sexual (not all fully sexual people enjoy receiving sexual pleasure - some get their pleasure FROM giving and do not enjoy receiving in return) Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 20 hours ago, Chifufuni said: Truthfully he doesn't mind having sex, he has stated he is aesthetically repulsed by the Male body. He has stated he prefers how the female body looks. So there you go. Focusing on his body is not how he gets pleasured. If you want to please him, the focus must be on your pleasure. You enjoy sex, so if you are able to let go of guilt and preconceived notions about how he must accept pleasure, you could end up having a fantastic sex life from all the attention being focused on your pleasure. My ace isn't interested in being pleasured for the most part. On the rare occasion, he'll accept, even enjoy it, but even then, when asked, he's usually agreed because I wanted it. If his preference were asked, he'd prefer to focus on me. Even in terms of enjoyment, the enjoyment he gets will be more from pleasuring me. He isn't interested in a climax for himself. We've ended sex with him still hard and not having climaxed and he genuinely doesn't care. There is no sex on his mind to circle back to and get a climax, nothing. A sexual encounter does not require a climax for him. It isn't as if he can't climax. He's climaxed many times too over the years, but it usually is a side effect of the stimulation of sex for giving me pleasure. "I wish I hadn't climaxed. You were enjoying yourself." with zero sense of having enjoyed the climax. If you can accept that pleasuring you brings him pleasure, you will see how much win-win potential is there. If you fixate on guilting yourself because you haven't delivered sex the way you think you should, whether he wants it or not, will be a very distressing sex life if he doesn't want. Link to post Share on other sites
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