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No Clue what to do...


susieblue

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I need to vent:

I had no clue. Now I know.... maybe I can deal with it better giving it a name, and trying to understand with the help of reading these posts.

I learned that there are many many women that feel like I do, that helps in coping with my loneliness.

I learned that many women go through exactly what I was going through and still going through. But, I can't find any real help to make it better for me, just for my asexual husband: I just give up on sex for the rest of my life, and that will make him happy. That will finally lift the pressure off of him. That will make him more comfortable and at ease with himself.

But, what about me? I do not have a switch on my body where I can turn my sexual desire on and off. I wish I could. All othe aspects in our life are good, but that sexually frustrating feeling is always there. Floating in my head at all times, and in the rare cases when I forget that I am missing something very important, when I suddenly remember it comes to me like a hit in the guts. It hurts me. I am hurt...... I am hurting so much.

I can not begin to tell how many different negative feelings I have against myself and him.

I feel cheated...

I need to learn to cope with this, and I am almost sure I never will.

What should I do? How should I act? Is there medication to turn off sexual desire? I'll take it.

I have been going through this for 20 years, every possible negative feeling I felt. Every possible action I took. Nothing helps. I am tired of fighting, begging for sex. I feel like I am competing with.....I am not sure, but I feel like competing.

I am puzzeled.... what is goping on? Why? Is it a disease? A choice? A malfunktion? A hormonal imbalance?

Why do Asexuals feel so cold towards sexual partners? They don't show any empathy...... thay are not willing, for whatever reason, to have sex with their partners. And thats it...... leave me alone, I don't want/need this. But I want and need this.........?!?!?!?!?!!?

In my eyes it's normal to have sex, the intimacy that comes with it carries through the rest of our daily lifes. A pat on the back, a loving gesture, a kiss, a rub, a gentle touch, a loving look....I don't have any of this. What I have is a room mate, a brother, a best friend.

I feel empty, alone, depressed, ugly, overseen, ignored, desperate and most of all very very lonely.

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Welcome, susieblue. My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you found AVEN, I think (I certainly hope) we'll be able to shed some light on your situation. We've got several married members, both sexual and asexual, in similar situations. You are NOT alone.

Some asexuals are unwilling to have sex, some are terrified of it or hate it, and some will have sex or even enjoy it--but we don't experience sexual attraction, we don't desire it the same way most people do. We don't think of it as a dysfunction here, but I can understand how it would feel that way to a sexual person who loves an asexual.

You should realize that your husband is not like all asexuals, and not all asexuals are like your husband. Talking here can help you, but you and your husband are individuals and won't be able to apply everything here to your relationship. There are different ways to show love and affection, and I hope you and your husband can find an answer that works for you both.

Best of luck. I'll see you on the boards.

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In my eyes it's normal to have sex, the intimacy that comes with it carries through the rest of our daily lifes. A pat on the back, a loving gesture, a kiss, a rub, a gentle touch, a loving look....I don't have any of this. What I have is a room mate, a brother, a best friend.

This is the biggest wound to my marriage as well, Sue. I've used these exact words over and over again to describe why sexuality (or more precisely physical intimacy) is so important to a relationship. For my wife, sex is something removed from all other interactions, something that can be put in a box and discarded without affecting anything else in the relationship. For sexual people, that's most emphatically untrue! As you say so eloquently, the intimacy carries through the rest of our daily lives. Without it, so many other things unravel.

There is another excellent discussion group for people in sexless marriages that I frequent. Here's the url, I hope it helps at least normalize what you're going through. You certainly are not alone. :cry:

http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm7

Your friend,

Chiaroscuro

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I can't say it as well as spinneret did, so I won't even try.

But something in your post kinda pissed me off. Just because asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, that doesn't mean we are "cold" or not "show[ing] any empathy". It's just the way we are. We don't do it on purpose. And please realise, that if you wish there was a on/off switch for your sexuality, there are asexuals out there who wish the same for themselves.

There is help for you here. We have a forum specifically for you. I don't understand why it physically hurts for you to not have sex, but don't act like the only person who can find help is your husband and that he's fine because of it. Being asexual and with a sexual parter is very painful as well - I know from experience. Don't act like you're the only victim in your relationship.

Aside from all that, welcome.

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But something in your post kinda pissed me off. Just because asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, that doesn't mean we are "cold" or not "show[ing] any empathy". It's just the way we are. We don't do it on purpose. And please realise, that if you wish there was a on/off switch for your sexuality, there are asexuals out there who wish the same for themselves.

There is help for you here. We have a forum specifically for you. I don't understand why it physically hurts for you to not have sex, but don't act like the only person who can find help is your husband and that he's fine because of it. Being asexual and with a sexual parter is very painful as well - I know from experience. Don't act like you're the only victim in your relationship.

Aside from all that, welcome.

Sorry to have pissed you off. But I am pissed off as well, and I don't see my husband coming to this website looking for answers on how to help me overcome my sexual frustration he's inflicting on me.

I am the only victim in our relationship. Nobody made him a victim but himself. His sexual orientation is hurting me. Mine is not hurting him.

But, I want to help him. I guess that is not possible? Like you can't make a gay have sex with a woman?

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Welcome to AVEN, susieblue! :D

I'm sorry that you feel like the only one in your marriage willing to compromise, that must be very frustrating for you! However, your post doesn't sound like there has been a lot of communication between your husband and you on the subject of asexuality. Have you actually asked him what he is planning to offer as a compromise to keep you marriage going (I mean, there are quite a few options, an open marriage probably being the most drastic one)?

A pat on the back, a loving gesture, a kiss, a rub, a gentle touch, a loving look....I don't have any of this. What I have is a room mate, a brother, a best friend.

I feel empty, alone, depressed, ugly, overseen, ignored, desperate and most of all very very lonely.

I'm not sure I understand why you feel quite so miserable, if your husband is like a roommate, a brother and even a best friend for you. Apart from the sex that is missing, this sounds really good to me.

I am the only victim in our relationship. Nobody made him a victim but himself. His sexual orientation is hurting me. Mine is not hurting him.

It is a fairly established fact that we are not responsible for our sexual orientation. We really shouldn't question that. Maybe you should keep that in mind when judging your husband.

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You are from Germany? So am I. My grammar sucks, but I try my best.....

My husband and I communicate a lot. We had many many talks about his lack of sexual attraction. Mostly I did the talking.....

What he can offer me? Nothing, he's silent. Never responds, never initiates, just ignores me.

He tells me bits and pieces here and there. In the last 20 yeasr I found out that he has no sexual attraction towards anything or anybody, no erotic feelings, sex is boring for him. All he wants is to snuggle with me, be really really close to me at night, which drives me crazy. And just be near me all the time. He said he lost all his girl friends because they were all cheating on him.

Open marriage? I proposed that idea to him a few weeks ago. He said he'd rather be dead. (see above)

Why I feel miserable? Because I miss the sex. It drives me crazy not getting laid by my own husband.

His sexual orientation was always present? Why did he not tell me? I would have had a choice.

I am judging him, because he is ignorant towards my needs. I know he does not want to have sex with me, and so I leave him alone (most of the time), I aknowledge his need for no sex, so to say.

I found out about asexuality last night. I was very happy to have found this site. I thought: MY God, finally I can give it a name, I am not alone, here I can get some help for him and myself.

Now I come to realize, that he will never change. It will never be different.

That makes me so sad..................

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You're right, that really doesn't sound good. I don't see why he should expect you to be the only one willing to compromise.

The big question is: Can you go on living like that? You did for twenty years, which makes me guess that you probably could, but you really don't seem to want to.

Do you sometimes think about getting out of your marriage and does your husband know that he is in danger of losing you if he does not take your needs seriously? I would make that very clear to him, that to you this is not a joke and that you want things to change.

From your English I would never have guessed that you were German! (And then again I wouldn't, being German myself, would I?)

I hope you can solve your problems and convince your husband to accept his part of the responsibility for your marriage!

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I feel like a fool, sitting here in front of my monitor and waiting for replies. Like someone is going to tell me what to do, and all will be good.

Can I go on living like that? My first instinct is: NO, because I don't want to anymore.

I am at a stage in my life right now, where I need a change. My responsibilities have shifted towards myself.

I want a fullfilling relationship, where I have the feeling I am not missing out on something. Although I will be missing out on him. I am not sure what to do next. I wish I could talk with him. And I wish he would understand me.

I would like to talk to somebody face to face, somebody who will help me and guide me, somebody with an experience in these things. I've tried a therapist a little while ago, but felt really uncomfortabel. He was more focused on me then on my husbands problem. He told me that I needed to change my actions in order for my husband to change. He suggested a lover. Never mentioning asexuality could be the cause.

I want so desperately to make things work out. But I am also realistic enough to know that I won't be able to.

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Firstly welcome.

I have never been your postion, will never be in your position so I am wary of giving advice here as I can imagine are a lot of the members on the board.

It's true there are a wide variety of asexuals form those who like snuggling to those who hate any touching.

I suppose it boils down to what was mentioned earlier:

Do you love your husband enough to live celibate with him for the rest of your life?

You've said that you've tried to get himt ot lak about it but he won't listen and that's a shame.

The sucessful asexual/sexual marriages generally rely on compromise form both sides and if one side isn't willing to compromise there's frustration and mistrust.

I have no other advice to offer you and I'm sorry. Perhaps check ou the sexual allies fporum for people who are ina similar situation to yourself.

I hope it works out for you.

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The hardest thing is looking into your spouse's eyes and knowing that they will never change. Watching that door slam shut. It is so hard to take. I think there are two sources of resentment for the sexual partner that don't exist for the asexual one, Alixyveth.

First, my wife wasn't asexual when it would have been easy for us to seperate. Now there are children to consider. Finances are all tangled up. There's a decade and a half of shared sacrifice connecting us. Now seperating is hard, and will spread destruction in all directions. I'm not blaming her in any way, but the fact that this has only come up now, when we're tied by a hundred bonds, and there is NO room for compromise makes me feel like I'm left with no good choices.

Second, it's easy to say to the sexual person "you must come to terms with this, or leave me." I've never said to my wife "You must have sex with me or leave me." Why is that? The asexual can go about their daily life and never confront the issue. The sexual person can't. It's there, right in their face, every day. That's where the resentment comes from, in my case. I have to bring the subject up, or it doesn't get addressed. When I bring it up, it's often thrown back into my face: "come to terms with it, or leave me, because I can't change." And whenever we have "the talk", it's unpleasant, and I end up feeling like a heel... I know she can't compromise, so what's there to talk about?

Ultimately, it's a power imbalance. Sexual wants something from Asexual which Asexual can't give. Asexual just wants to be left alone. Someone who wants something from someone else is intrinsically weaker. Ultimately, sexual is forced to capitulate or leave the relationship and be the evil destroyer.

No good answers.

-Chiaroscuro

PS- sorry to sort of hijack your thread, Suzieblue, but it stirred me up.

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I feel empty, alone, depressed, ugly, overseen, ignored, desperate and most of all very very lonely.

Welcome, susieblue, I am sorry you feel that way about yourself. Hopefully you will be able not to feel that way as you work through your thoughts and emotions. (((hugs)))

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We all need to swap spouses, that's what we need! I agree with others that being asexual isn't about being cold. I adore my husband, but am not at all comfortable with physical affection. It makes me feel really bad to touch him. It makes me feel awful just to write about touching him. If your husband asked you to eat a bowl of worms for him, I doubt you'd do it. My husband and I are thinking about divorce. If I knew he'd find someone and the kids would be okay, I'd divorce tomorrow (though I'd miss him).

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"Why? Is it a disease? A choice? A malfunktion? A hormonal imbalance?" Well, no susieblue, it's not a disease or a choice or a malfunction... It just is, that's all. This is just how some people are. Some people have high sex drives, and some people have almost no sex drives... Some people are like Bill Clinton, and some people are like Sister Maria Immaculata...

I'm probably like your husband, I have practically no erotic feelings at all. The thought of sex almost never comes into my mind, and I don't see why it holds such great fascination for people...

But that's why I never married, susieblue! People have asked me to marry, but I knew I could never feel the same way as they did. These people I know are in a constant state of excitement, always looking for something, and I just want to live my life and do my stuff...

Did he tell you about this before marrying you???

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I am the only victim in our relationship. Nobody made him a victim but himself. His sexual orientation is hurting me. Mine is not hurting him.

The minute you start thinking that way is the minute you completely give up. That is totally the wrong attitude to have if you want to fix the problem. Right now you're being stubborn and you're thinking about no one but yourself.

The hardest thing is looking into your spouse's eyes and knowing that they will never change. Watching that door slam shut. It is so hard to take. I think there are two sources of resentment for the sexual partner that don't exist for the asexual one, Alixyveth.

How is that two? Asexuals feel the same thing in these relationships. It's hard to look at our partner and know that we're never going to be able to please them. It was damn hard for me when I was with my ex, to know that all his other girlfriends could make him happy in a way that I was unable to.

It's not a matter of being strong, either. Asexual vs. sexual - neither is any more strong or weak than the other. I know that when I was with a sexual partner, it was even harder for me to be strong. I felt that I had to succumb to his will in order to make him happy. It's downright scary to see nothing but raw lust in a person's eyes sometimes. Especially when it is the person you love.

---

Please, please, don't pin this all on the asexuals. It's not our fault we are this way any more than it is your fault that you are sexual. If you're too stubborn to compromise, then it's probably time to move on. AVEN can help you however you choose.

That is all I am going to say, because I don't want to turn your welcome thread into an argument.

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The minute you start thinking that way is the minute you completely give up. That is totally the wrong attitude to have if you want to fix the problem. Right now you're being stubborn and you're thinking about no one but yourself.

...

Please, please, don't pin this all on the asexuals. It's not our fault we are this way any more than it is your fault that you are sexual. If you're too stubborn to compromise, then it's probably time to move on. AVEN can help you however you choose.

I fail to see anywhere in this quote where she mentions not compromising. She appears to have been existing in this situation for quite a long time, which whether you want to see it or not is a big compromise already from the sexual's point of view. I can see how parts of her post would rub you the wrong way, but there is nothing here to suggest offhand that she's being disrespectful to her partner in any way that doing a little more reading on AVEN won't fix.

It's downright scary to see nothing but raw lust in a person's eyes sometimes. Especially when it is the person you love.

This is one thing I seem to see from asexuals a lot. That a person wanting you is somehow equivalent to them only seeing your body, and not caring about your mind.

From experience, I can tell you that it's HIGHLY unlikely that a person in a relationship with you is only looking at your physical self, and that when they look at you with desire it's NOT just raw lust. It's probably lust, and desire, but also caring and intimacy and love, and lots of emotions that are mixed up for sexuals and for whatever reason don't connect for asexuals. The great majority of sexuals are not just in relationships with asexuals for sexual gratification only - what would be the logic in that? Typically sexuals in a relationship with you want to sleep with you BECAUSE they care about you, not despite it.

There is another excellent discussion group for people in sexless marriages that I frequent. Here's the url, I hope it helps at least normalize what you're going through. You certainly are not alone.

http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm7

Reading some of the posts on that forum was very affecting for me, and would probably help some of the asexuals on here understand the depth and ramifications of the hurt that sexuals feel when they're in a relationship with an asexual.

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Second, it's easy to say to the sexual person "you must come to terms with this, or leave me."

If any spouse anywhere finds it "easy" to deliver this kind of ultimatum to the person they apparently want to spend the rest of their life with, I don't believe that [a]sexuality is the root of the problem. Likewise, if the spouse believes that they are saying this lightly or with a light heart, either there is a miscommunication or, as you mention, a very severe power imbalance which is merely being manifested through a debate about sexuality, not being caused by it.

That said, I don't have much advice sue, but welcome anyway, hopefully AVEN will at elast help you find solace.

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It sounds like you need to talk to him, susieblue. Really talk to him. Lay it all out. And firstly, show him this website. It may give him an opportunity to vent, seek advice, and provide an outlet for you two to cope with this issue, together.

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Hi susieblue and welcome to AVEN. I hope you will find some companionship and comfort here. The problem you face is pretty common here, and so far I haven't seen any good solutions.

Some couples elect compromise, which in this situation seems like a nice way of ensuring that both parties will be equally unhappy at least part of the time: the sexual, when s/he feels needs that aren't being met; and the asexual, when s/he valiantly tries to give something that just isn't there. It isn't anyone's fault. Even among sexuals there are varying levels of sexual need; and among asexuals there are varying levels of ability, acceptance or repugnance.

You wrote: " A pat on the back, a loving gesture, a kiss, a rub, a gentle touch, a loving look....I don't have any of this..."

I am guilty of denying these things to my partner as well; and the explanation is simple. Too many times, my affectionate gestures have been misinterpreted as sexual advances, and I find myself having to deal with issues I very much prefer to avoid. I also forgo non-sexual physical comforts that most couples exchange: hand-holding, backrubs, any sort of physical contact, simply because I don't want to be responsible for leading someone on.

A roommate, a brother, a friend, I would love to have. I am sorry you have needs that are not met, and that this causes you pain. I don't have a solution for you, but I do hope you will find one.

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"A pat on the back, a loving gesture, a kiss, a rub, a gentle touch, a loving look"

Those are things that some asexuals do and enjoy.

Asexuals are diverse, and differ in the things they enjoy and/or are willing to do.

I don't understand why the comment was made that asexuals who are not willing to compromise and have sex are stubborn.

I'm not saying it isn't difficult to not act on sexual attraction and desire when it is there, but finding sex repulsive and engaging in it when you really don't want to, just to what, be loved by another person (in a romantic way, at least), doesn't seem very healthy to me.

To me, it sounds very forced, and not really compromise at all.

Compromise is willing.

What if a person can't? Is it understandable, the idea that someone just can't, regardless of whether it is physically possible?

Regardless, I wish you the best in dealing with your situation.

-FP

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Welcome susieblue.

I can't offer any real advice, I was just going to say I agree with spinneret, but lots has been said since then and I can't comment on everything.

Have you told your husband about this site? It doesn't sound like he wants to talk about the subject, which makes things very difficult. Maybe he needs to understand himself and accept himself, not just you. Asexuals can be just as confused in relationships. Although, asexuals should tell their partners before they get married, in most cases, they don't actually realise there is problem until after or even marriage will solve it.

Hope you do find AVEN useful.

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I am guilty of denying these things to my partner as well; and the explanation is simple. Too many times, my affectionate gestures have been misinterpreted as sexual advances, and I find myself having to deal with issues I very much prefer to avoid. I also forgo non-sexual physical comforts that most couples exchange: hand-holding, backrubs, any sort of physical contact, simply because I don't want to be responsible for leading someone on.

My wife and I had this identical dynamic before we talked in a very focused way about where we might make compromises. I suggested, as a possible solution to the no-sex issue, that my wife find physical ways other than sex to show me she loved me. Hugs, for example, or kisses... or even an affectionate nick-name like "honey" or "darling". Just like Aeriel, she'd always maintained that she didn't do those things because they led to being groped. I promised not to initiate sex unless she explicitly asked for it, and not to take anything less than that as an invitation.

The interesting thing was, once we tried that compromise, it turned out that she just didn't like hugging/kissing/affectionate talk PERIOD, nevermind how I took it. She could sometimes rub my shoulders, or put her hand on my leg. And very chaste pecking kisses also were okay under certain condidtions, but it was always an effort. So the problem wasn't that physical affection might lead me on (though I'm sure that contributed before we set ground-rules). Physical affection itself was aversive in all but a few very formal cases.

I don't say that it's true in your case too Aeriel, but it was a familiar topic in our discussions. Maybe if your partner agrees to never initiate sex, you can see if it's easier for you to show him/her physical affection.

Your friend,

-Chiaroscuro

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Hello and thank for all the replies. They help me to understand a little.

My husband found my post on AVEN and talked to me about it. He read through this site for a few hours. And it seems to me that he can relate better then me. He said that he finds himself here.

I am having a very very hard time. Especially today. I cried all day, can not form a straight thought, All I do is feel sorry for myself.

All those years I was hoping for something to change for the better, now I come to realise that nothing will ever change. What made it worse for me, is knowing that he actually for real does not get any physical pleasure when he's having sex with me.

He want's me to compromise. He wants me to understand. He said he understands my frustration, and it hurts him deeply to see me suffer like that.

He said in order for me to have sex with him I have to initiate it, since he does not know how, and he is not motivated to do so. How can I? Knowing he will not have any physical pleasure with me? (I am repeating myself)

He admitted that his physical pleasure increases when he is taking Viagra.Where does that fit in?

I want him to go see a doctor, to make sure he is ok, before he's "officially" switching to this asexual orientation. Is that wrong? I would not even think to send a gay person to the doctor to make sure he's really gay. Asexuality is not a choice, as I learned. It's genetic?

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It's genetic?

We have discussions on that here. No one knows, but it might be.

I don't think it's wrong for you to ask him to see a doctor, unless he says he is asexual. If he says that and you ask anyway, it might make him annoyed. (Well, I know I would be if my SO asked me to see a doctor...) Keep in mind, seeing a doctor implies that something is abnormal. Asexuality is perfectly normal. It is not wrong.

Might I suggest that you stop feeling sorry for yourself and start talking to him. Maybe he is feeling sorry for himself, as well.

Good luck.

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Welcome susieblue.

One way to approach the decision process:

If talking, ad hoc compromises and therapy don't help, then:

If he is unhappy about how he is, he should decide do something about himself.

If you are unhappy about how you are: you should decide do something about yourself.

"Something" probably involves doctors, hormones, medications, hypnosis, alternative treatments. Some people have sexual fantasies or physical or mental issues that might e.g. be holding them back (your husband) or that might make some issue seem unbearable (yourself).

If neither works in reasonable time the conclusion seems to be that you are incompatible with each other and are better off breaking up before you destroy each other. Management people would probably start with setting a deadline and terms of the final decisionmaking. Avoid letting children become victims in the war of passion.

None of this was meant to be offensive from my side and it is nothing but my point of view. Good luck to both of you, whatever you decide to do.

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Seattleoutsider

Welcome.

I have been on both sides of this issue. My first relationship with many year ago I was the sexual one and the person I was involved with just wasn't interested in me perhaps the person was asexual. . It hurt really bad, I felt rejected amd cheated. It felt like attack personally. Strange thing is twenty years later I was on the other side of the issue.

I often thought my sexual problems were because of something wrong me or the partner I was with. I even thought it was due to illness or hormonal imbalance

As someone who has lived with numerous painful issues I can feel your pain in ways many may not have the ablity to do so without thinking the person just feeling sorry for themselves.

Sometimes situations arise that are painful and difficult and we need to grieve. Sometimes talking to doctors, therapist, our partners don't resolve the issue to our liking.

As far as hormones, as I understand the hormonal science says what makes a woman and also men want sex is the testerone or male hormones which we all have. Men have estrogene, testerone, Women have numerous forms of hormones, testerone, estrogene, etc. For me when I was first on male hormones the sex drive increased it didn't make the issues go away or make me more comfortable being sexual with others, including myself.

It was painful and uncomfortable to have sex, to be intimate with another person. I didn't enjoy it. Over time the hormones literally went to back to no desire, regardless of the amount of testerone I have in my body.

I really don't have the answers for your situation and I hope you find some type of inner peace with your personal struggles with your husband and yourself. All I can say is hormones and medication don't always help fix sexual desire issues. At least it didn't in my case.

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hi susie,

like other posters have said, being asexual does not make a person "cold" or lacking empathy. your husband's asexuality is no more a choice than your sexuality is. you seem to have a LOT of pent up anger towards him. have you ever considered counseling? that way you'd have a person to confide in face to face who might be able to help you deal with this.

did you know your husband was asexual (or if you didn't know about asexuality 20 years ago, did you know he had a "low drive") when you married him? after 20 years of living with him, why has everything come to a boiling point now? if you are committed to him and have a good relationship in every other aspect, you can find ways to please yourself and remain in the marriage. above all else, it sounds like you both need to communicate better with one another. it sounds like you're taking his aexuality personally. it has nothing to do with you. it affects you, but it is not directed towards you.

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Sorry to have pissed you off. But I am pissed off as well, and I don't see my husband coming to this website looking for answers on how to help me overcome my sexual frustration he's inflicting on me.

I am the only victim in our relationship. Nobody made him a victim but himself. His sexual orientation is hurting me. Mine is not hurting him.

But, I want to help him. I guess that is not possible? Like you can't make a gay have sex with a woman?

:x You don't realize how much this one post offends me.

1. Why does HE need help? He obviously knows what he wants and doesn't want. You seem to be coming here to look for ways to change him. Maybe you two are not right for each other.

2. I have been in his situation before, and I must say my ex's sexual orientation hurt me quite a bit--constantly assuming I must not have loved her because I didn't want sex or enjoy it. I most certainly loved her, and I wasn't cold. I just didn't think getting naked=love.

Please watch what you say before posting.

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Sorry to have pissed you off. But I am pissed off as well, and I don't see my husband coming to this website looking for answers on how to help me overcome my sexual frustration he's inflicting on me.

I am the only victim in our relationship. Nobody made him a victim but himself. His sexual orientation is hurting me. Mine is not hurting him.

But, I want to help him. I guess that is not possible? Like you can't make a gay have sex with a woman?

Be honest, haven't you as an asexual had these exact same thoughts run through your mind? Especially when you and your sexual S.O. didn't know much about the nature of your different sexual needs? I have felt like a victim. I don't so much now that I understand where my asexual wife's coming from and why, but early on, hell yes. I don't say that's right, but it's a feeling I certainly identify with. Susie's words could have been coming from my mouth.

So, while I understand your post, Gnulinuxman, being offended displays intolerence. It's clear that Susie was hurt, confused, feeling like her marriage was suddenly coming down around her ears and her words reflected that. Maybe you're coming from the same place... maybe your sexual partner is telling you you're bad to be the way you are, and you're sensitive to slights against your orientation, I don't know.

But when sexuals and asexuals communicate there's going to be plenty of stepping on toes. Less offence, more tolerence.

-Chiaroscuro

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