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No Clue what to do...


susieblue

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breakfast.at.tiffanys
Finding Aven changed my complete attitude towards my marriage.

I've learned that there is nothing wrong with him, and there is nothing wrong with me. That was a unbelievable burden lifted off of me.

I understand how much it hurts him, that he can't give me what I need. He understands how much it hurts me, that he can't give me what I need.

He went to a doctor. His testosteron level is even higher than the regular. They told him he is healthy. I know he expected something else, me too. The doctor suggested Therapy. He said some want to have sex every hour, some once a year, and that I need to come to terms with that, and stop expecting.

I called an Therapist today, since my husband "does not want to see another doctor", I made an appointment for myself. I am not sure how a therapist can help me, but I want to give it a try.

That clinches it, this whole thread has been amazing, inspiring, and wonderful to read.

Sure, there've been lots of points where I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof because of some of the comments made by some people and I'm sure all parties involved have felt the same at various points.

But I don't know, I just think that as I've read I've noticed that this went from someone feeling angry, frustrated, and very hurt, to someone that's struggling and working hard to understand, and maybe even pick up some tips here and there on how to make things work out for the better. Maybe it's just me, but I think that's fantastic.

I'm sure that there are many people out there with an 'all about me' attitude that would have up and left their partner already, and not given it another thought. But from what I've read, Susie, you've stuck around for quite some time. You've heard attacks on yourself and your attitude, and you've taken some pretty harsh comments. Again, lots of people would've up and left to find a board in which everyone just does the whole 'aww, you poor victim you, you're so right!' thing instead. The fact that you've stuck around and read through everything that people have said in response (constructive or no) tells me you're pretty willing to try to see things through and look for whatever options there are out there.

And of course, that's not to say you haven't gotten angry and said some things right back.

But, you've even apologized to k9 for the one comment and I have great respect for that.

I can't say I know what either you or your husband can do to make things better, but I hope that some of the creative suggestions of some of the other posters have helped or are starting to help...?

Despite the fact that I know there are several topics I know we have a pretty large difference of opinion on, I can tell that you've been making a major effort to understand other opinions and views of the world for the sake of your husband, which is really cool to see, and I want to thank you very much for making me want to do the same.

Thank you, Susieblue, for showing a desire to learn and working on fixing things, rather than just sulking about it and leaving. I wish you and your husband all the best, and thank you for taking the time to come to AVEN. :D

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La_Gioconda

Susieblu, I hope you're still reading this thread. I feel for you, I know the anger and frustration that you are feeling. I am asexual so I come from the opposite side but when I was in a relationship my feelings were as strong as yours. I couldn't understand why my ex wanted to have sex with me, it was a horrible experience. I felt used and abused. Every time we had sex (because yes, I decided to compromise for his sake) I wanted to scream "I'm here!! Why are treating me in this way? I'm a person, I have a brain, thoughts and feelings, why are you treating me like a chunk of meat? I'm not a plaything, not a inflateable doll, not just a body, I'm a PERSON!". Every intercourse we had took away some of the connection that had been between us until there was absolutely nothing left (at least from my point of view). Finally I ended this relationship (or rather run away from it) but it left me bitter and angry. For some time I tended to view all men as sex crazed beasts, even though on the intelectual level I knew it is not true but I just couldn't help feeling this way. Aven helped me understand where I come from. I understood that it wasn't only me that was sufferin in this relationship, also his needs weren't met (we were having sex once every 2-3 weeks, much too rarely for him). I also understood that what I see as torture, for most people is a basic need.

If there is one thing common to many asexuals it is this: for sexuals sex creates intimacy, for asexuals sex compromises intimacy.

I don't know if your husband is feeling anything similar to how I felt (it's possible that he does) but I wanted to give you some insight of what having sex might mean to an asexual. I hope it helps and was not offending.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck. Have some :cake:

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Freed_Spirit
for sexuals sex creates intimacy, for asexuals sex compromises intimacy.

Perfect! You speak for me, and more concisely than I do!

:cake:

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I wanted to scream "I'm here!! Why are treating me in this way? I'm a person, I have a brain, thoughts and feelings, why are you treating me like a chunk of meat? I'm not a plaything, not a inflateable doll, not just a body, I'm a PERSON!"

This is how I feel whenever guys stare at me... I sometimes thought I was the only woman who felt this way... I feel like, I'm in the grocery store buying a package of hamburger & this guy is pushing the cart for his wife & the wife doesn't notice he's looking me up & down & all around & I feel like saying jerk, the hamburger is in the freezer case, not standing right here. It's dehumanizing.

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La_Gioconda

Need to rant a bit more (sorry, Susie!). Sometimes, when I discussed something with my ex I would start talking passionately about something that I considered important - politics, history, philosophy etc. I would present my point of view and ask what he thinks and what response I would get? "Wow, you are SO beautiful when talk you like that!" :shock: Now, that's dehumanizing, it's not important what I talk about, my opinion isn't worth a sh*t, what is important is how I look when I'm speaking. I could be talking about weather in a passionate way and I would get the same response. I guess some sexual women would be flattered that their way of speaking is sexy but for me it was degrading.

[grammar of this post sucks, sorry]

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Yah know what they say, when a male politician talks about something, the newspapers report on what he said. When a female politician talks about something, they report on what she wore, or how she did her hair...

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What a thread!

I find it fascinating that I feel the same way as Susie, only on "the other side." Meaning I feel all of those horrid feelings, except I am asexual. I think many of us were compassionate and tolerant of Susie because we empathize! We want to be loved and we all have different ways in which we feel love!

At this moment I am pissed about my asexuality. I want to want to be sexual, but I don't want to be! I wonder, how much of Susie's husband's pain might be on the same page as hers? I wonder if he feels the same sadness? I know I do. I am crushed.

I just ended my relationship with the most wonderful man in the world because I have just learned about my sexual orientation. I know he is screaming inside, "But I feel....and I feel.....and this hurts because...." And I, too, am screaming, but I have not been heard. I stopped screaming and just listened and finally understood my ex's feelings, but he still feels like Susie: hurt, hurt, hurt. Angry, angry and angry. I wonder, is it similar to being in a marriage and then your husband finds he's gay? It must be. I think, "That dirty rotten @#$%. How could he not know?" Then I think, "Wow, that must have been very painful for him to come to terms with."

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  • 2 weeks later...
Chiaroscuro
I stopped screaming and just listened and finally understood my ex's feelings, but he still feels like Susie: hurt, hurt, hurt. Angry, angry and angry. I wonder, is it similar to being in a marriage and then your husband finds he's gay? It must be. I think, "That dirty rotten @#$%. How could he not know?" Then I think, "Wow, that must have been very painful for him to come to terms with."

Good for you for having the empathy to truly listen, Kareyn. That's so hard to do, in the heat of the moment, when you feel torn in two. Have you suggested that your husband come to Aven? If nothing else, it would help him gain an understanding of your orientation (and that it IS an orientation, not something you're doing to him personally). Sexuals really, truly, have no idea asexuality exists. Most Asexuals don't either!

I wish you both the best,

-Chiaroscuro

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Chiaroscuro
I guess some sexual women would be flattered that their way of speaking is sexy but for me it was degrading.

Has anyone told you, you're beautiful when you rant, LG?

Sorry, couldn't resist. Nobody likes to be dismissed out of hand, which is what your partner was doing. When you don't want to talk about the issue at hand, the easiest thing is to change the subject. Throwing in a pinch of condescension just adds that extra zip. And when you exploded, I'm guessing his eyes got big and round: "Jesus, what's your problem? I was giving you a compliment."

-Chiaroscuro

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  • 1 year later...

Many Thanks to everybody taking the time to reply to my posts. Your time and effort to understand was and is greatly appreciated by me.... and by my husband. He's been reading on here. We are in Therapy together with an excellent Sexual Therapist.

My husband has no empathy, no sexual desire. Everything he thinks about is done on an intellectual level, not an emotional level.

There are people with low sex drive and high sex drive.

I will try to explain it very simple: Our Libido and any other feel develops in the brain. Those "Brain cells" responsible for desires, emotions and feelings develop the first four years of our life. This is when a person is shaped. If anything goes "wrong" in those first four years, some will suffer, some not. Depends on the outside expectations. If your caregiver neglegts you in any way emotionally, and/or does not nuture you, you will never develop certain emotions and feelings. The good thing is, you can learn these "traits" with Expert help.

It takes a lot of inner reflection and involves a lot of pain, but I am sure the outcome will be positive.

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  • 2 years later...

I get that your hurt and angry at this recent revelation. However do you realize that you effectively called all asexuals cowards and liars? That's not exactly the most effective way to win sympathy and support.

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