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Help! I don’t know if I’m in love with my best friend or not...


HumanOxymoron

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HumanOxymoron

I’m new here so bare with me.  For the past nine months or so I’ve identified as Asexual. This took a while to realise but discussing it with my best friend who identifies as Grey-Asexual really helped and I’m now certain of my Ace-ness. Now here comes the part where I’m really really confused...

 

A bit of context first to help you understand my situation: I’m cis-female (she/her),  25, never dated/kissed/had sex... I was head over heals with a friend of mine at school for a ridiculously long time but recently I’ve come to realise I was just infatuated with him not actually in love. Other than that I’ve not had what you would typically call a crush.

 

Fast forward to about a year ago, my best friend and I have known each other for a long time but it’s only in the last year that we’ve gotten really close. When I was figuring out my sexuality I considered that I might be bisexual because I can see myself dating a woman, then I thought I might be demisexual because I cannot imagine sleeping with someone who I don’t have a deep connection with... but then I realised no I’m pure Ace.

 

This led me to Demiromantic. I’m pretty sure I’m that. I don’t think I can date someone until I’ve got to know them really really well. Back to why I’m confused... I love my best friend very very much. I would do anything for her and I would do anything to see her happy - I would literally sell my soul if it would mean she would be happy.  I want her in my life in a significant way... I’m very comfortable with physical affection with her - in fact I like it, whereas I just tolerate physical affection with everyone else in my life, I don’t hate it I just don’t crave it. I don’t however want to sleep with her. At all. Not one bit. 

I’m not jealous of her being in a relationship with someone else - I think her current boyfriend doesn’t deserve her, but I don’t feel that I’m necessarily better. I did however get a twinge of jealousy when she talked about the crush she had on her female best friend she had in university (my best friend is biromantic by the way). We tell each other that we love each other all the time, we hold hands occasionally and we hug. But I don’t see hand holding as exclusively “romantic”. I thought at one point she might have feelings for me too - don’t ask me why I just had a feeling. Now I’m not so sure anymore because she’s got a crush on another guy (she’s having boyfriend issues, please don’t judge her) and I think I’m ok with it.

 

I sometimes fantasise what it’d be like to marry her but I think that’s also my brain just saying that I want her in my life forever and I associate being in someone’s life forever with marriage. There’s not a doubt in my mind that I love her, possibly more than I have ever loved anyone and I can’t imagine loving anyone else more than her but does this mean I’m IN love with her?? I don’t get the stereotypical butterflies of having a crush on someone when I see her (I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that) but I feel completely at home with her and life makes sense when I’m with her. I think about her a lot when we’re apart and I crave a connection with her when we’re apart but I don’t feel like I need to have a full on conversation with her every day. I know we can go without talking properly for ages and we’ll be absolutely fine when we meet up. I care what she thinks of me and I care a little more about my appearance when I’m with her but not massively and not all the time. 

 

I’m aware of Queerplatonic relationships but I don’t think that applies to me... I thought I might have an alterus attraction to her but I’m really not sure... Can someone please help me? I always thought too that if I got into a relationship I would be happy sleeping with my significant other if that’s what they wanted (I’m not sex repulsed just fairly indifferent about it) but I know I don’t want to sleep with my best friend, but I’m still not convinced I want sex at all. I like the idea of cuddling, kissing, playing with my significant other’s hair but going further I’m not sure. I think I would be happy doing that stuff with her but I really don’t know.... just definitely not further.

 

Am I in love? Is what I’m feeling romantic? Should I tell her if she breaks up with her boyfriend? I really don’t want to mess our friendship up - it means the world to me and I can’t risk losing it. Sorry for the long post! Thank you for reading if you got this far, I really appreciate it. :)

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First off: Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

Second: This sounds a lot like one of my current friendships. Really, I'm not 100% sure what the difference is between platonic relationships vs. romantic ones, since the descriptions of what classifies as romantic vs platonic attraction varies with who you ask. Personally, I just think of my friend as "my squish who I would totally enter a QPR with if their current partner doesn't work out" (lol), but I won't be terribly upset if that never happens.

 

I wish I could be more help, but I just wanted to post to let you know that you're not alone!

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HumanOxymoron
5 hours ago, Barbio said:

First off: Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

Second: This sounds a lot like one of my current friendships. Really, I'm not 100% sure what the difference is between platonic relationships vs. romantic ones, since the descriptions of what classifies as romantic vs platonic attraction varies with who you ask. Personally, I just think of my friend as "my squish who I would totally enter a QPR with if their current partner doesn't work out" (lol), but I won't be terribly upset if that never happens.

 

I wish I could be more help, but I just wanted to post to let you know that you're not alone!

Thank you! It’s so confusing lol. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one experiencing this! :)

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Speaking as someone who has never been 'in love' at least in the romantic side, I've had very familiar feelings recently with a platonic partner. I knew when it got to the stage of an actual relationship, considering before then i'd just considered us close friends with common interests, as it was exactly the same feeling that I'd experienced before, This is a mutual thing though and I'd always considered this as romantic love until very recently. I'd had similar thoughts and feelings before this too, but you will know when love hits you, in whatever form. My partner delighted in telling me I'd reach the platonic love stage! I'm jealous of those younger, seem to have a head on things better than me!

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I’m biromantic and probably slightly hyperromantic (if that’s a word?) so I might see this differently to other people, so please take this with a pinch of salt 🙂

 

I relate a lot to what you wrote and I’ve experienced most of it, but not necessarily in the same sequence (and probably not all with the same person).

 

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what if anything to label your feelings, and what they mean to you.

 

When I’ve felt similar I’ve determined that I’m in love with the person, but I haven’t always done anything about it, as in at least one occasion we were both in relationships so I chose not to act (and in some cases it simply didn’t feel right to act, in others it did 🙂)

 

Just to make it more difficult, I would sometimes go in and out of full-on romantic crush with my friend; when I wasn’t crushing I could just enjoy being best friends, holding hands etc (whilst loving them), but when I was crushing I couldn’t as I’d find myself getting too attached.

 

If it feels like the right thing to do and you’re comfortable making yourself vulnerable then a completely open conversation where you go in with questions rather than answers (pretty much as above) could clear the air and help you both know where you stand. It could also transform your relationship.

 

Full disclosure: I have had such conversations and they are life changing, but I have not had them with one of the aforementioned friends I was in love with as I did not know about them back then, so I can’t t say how they would have gone. Such conversations rely on both people being able to be completely honest, come what may, so not everyone can (or want to) have them. That being said, they work best between really close friends 🙂

 

Not sure if that helped, but good luck working this through 🙂

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The Incarnation Of Boredom
On 4/3/2019 at 3:04 PM, HumanOxymoron said:

I’m new here so bare with me.  For the past nine months or so I’ve identified as Asexual. This took a while to realise but discussing it with my best friend who identifies as Grey-Asexual really helped and I’m now certain of my Ace-ness. Now here comes the part where I’m really really confused...

 

A bit of context first to help you understand my situation: I’m cis-female (she/her),  25, never dated/kissed/had sex... I was head over heals with a friend of mine at school for a ridiculously long time but recently I’ve come to realise I was just infatuated with him not actually in love. Other than that I’ve not had what you would typically call a crush.

 

Fast forward to about a year ago, my best friend and I have known each other for a long time but it’s only in the last year that we’ve gotten really close. When I was figuring out my sexuality I considered that I might be bisexual because I can see myself dating a woman, then I thought I might be demisexual because I cannot imagine sleeping with someone who I don’t have a deep connection with... but then I realised no I’m pure Ace.

 

This led me to Demiromantic. I’m pretty sure I’m that. I don’t think I can date someone until I’ve got to know them really really well. Back to why I’m confused... I love my best friend very very much. I would do anything for her and I would do anything to see her happy - I would literally sell my soul if it would mean she would be happy.  I want her in my life in a significant way... I’m very comfortable with physical affection with her - in fact I like it, whereas I just tolerate physical affection with everyone else in my life, I don’t hate it I just don’t crave it. I don’t however want to sleep with her. At all. Not one bit. 

I’m not jealous of her being in a relationship with someone else - I think her current boyfriend doesn’t deserve her, but I don’t feel that I’m necessarily better. I did however get a twinge of jealousy when she talked about the crush she had on her female best friend she had in university (my best friend is biromantic by the way). We tell each other that we love each other all the time, we hold hands occasionally and we hug. But I don’t see hand holding as exclusively “romantic”. I thought at one point she might have feelings for me too - don’t ask me why I just had a feeling. Now I’m not so sure anymore because she’s got a crush on another guy (she’s having boyfriend issues, please don’t judge her) and I think I’m ok with it.

 

I sometimes fantasise what it’d be like to marry her but I think that’s also my brain just saying that I want her in my life forever and I associate being in someone’s life forever with marriage. There’s not a doubt in my mind that I love her, possibly more than I have ever loved anyone and I can’t imagine loving anyone else more than her but does this mean I’m IN love with her?? I don’t get the stereotypical butterflies of having a crush on someone when I see her (I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that) but I feel completely at home with her and life makes sense when I’m with her. I think about her a lot when we’re apart and I crave a connection with her when we’re apart but I don’t feel like I need to have a full on conversation with her every day. I know we can go without talking properly for ages and we’ll be absolutely fine when we meet up. I care what she thinks of me and I care a little more about my appearance when I’m with her but not massively and not all the time. 

 

I’m aware of Queerplatonic relationships but I don’t think that applies to me... I thought I might have an alterus attraction to her but I’m really not sure... Can someone please help me? I always thought too that if I got into a relationship I would be happy sleeping with my significant other if that’s what they wanted (I’m not sex repulsed just fairly indifferent about it) but I know I don’t want to sleep with my best friend, but I’m still not convinced I want sex at all. I like the idea of cuddling, kissing, playing with my significant other’s hair but going further I’m not sure. I think I would be happy doing that stuff with her but I really don’t know.... just definitely not further.

 

Am I in love? Is what I’m feeling romantic? Should I tell her if she breaks up with her boyfriend? I really don’t want to mess our friendship up - it means the world to me and I can’t risk losing it. Sorry for the long post! Thank you for reading if you got this far, I really appreciate it. :)

With relationships like this I'd just say its your choice how you feel.

 

You can decide what you define as romantic or friendly, because the line between the two is almost nonexistent.

 

If you're happy how your relationship is, and don't feel a need for anything more, then there's no point asking her out because both of you are happy already.

 

But, if you do want something more than what it is right now, and that want outweighs the risks, then go for it.

 

That's how I see it.

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  • 4 weeks later...
HumanOxymoron

Thanks everyone! I’m still sketchy with how I feel. If one day we are both single then I might broach the subject as a curiosity to try and gage how she feels. Ultimately I want her happiness - not to say that I don’t want mine but I’m happy remaining friends if she doesn’t see me more than platonicly :) 

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