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Touchy-feely Aces


RoseGoesToYale

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2 minutes ago, lowLifeLoner said:

I didn't think it was creepy at all, I'd just never had it happen before and was surprised. Kinda miss it imho  

Not that I can say much, but you should tell her that! If she's touchy already, I'm sure she wouldn't mind. 

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lowLifeLoner
30 minutes ago, Loomie said:

Not that I can say much, but you should tell her that! If she's touchy already, I'm sure she wouldn't mind. 

Yeah I'm way to much of a pussy :D 

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On 4/5/2019 at 9:28 PM, lowLifeLoner said:

Yeah I'm way to much of a pussy :D 

Man, I feel that 😅 Maybe just do it yourself, see how she reacts? Idk, good luck though! 🍀

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lilgroundhog

For me, one thing I dislike about being aro ace is platonic touch is frowned on because touch is seen as romantic/sexual.  I'm a cuddly person so in general I feel touch starved.  I did end up out with friends and acquaintances Friday night and got some platonic cuddles.

 

There are some people who don't get to touch me, period.  I went complain if finders accidentally brush when n handing something, but I don't trust them so they don't get to touch me.

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secrethamster

I'm both afraid of touch and touch-starved, so that's unfortunate. I hate the feeling of vulnerability that comes with letting someone close enough to touch me. I'm also afraid of how my action would be interpreted if I were to initiate platonic contact with another person.

 

I'll stick with petting dogs for now.

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Yeah I'd say it's a bit more difficult being a touchy-feely ace, because some people will wanna touch you TOO much.

 

I'm okay with hugs from friends and I'm also okay with them sitting close to me or leaning on me.  High fives, handshakes, and fist bumps are cool too, but that's about it.  I'm not over the top touchy with my friends.  I only want something more from love interests.  If I really like someone I'll wanna be all over them, and hope they feel the same way about me.

 

I do realize that I hardly get any human physical contact.....or even just plain human contact these days.  I'd like to change that but it's a difficult situation to change.  I'd like to have a girlfriend, but how do you tell someone you want to be extremely intimate with them but you don't want sex or French kissing?  *sigh*

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On Friday, April 05, 2019 at 8:31 AM, Loomie said:

I find myself leaning on something more often than I stand freely. If one of my friends is nearby, it's quite likely I'll end up leaning on them at some point. 😄

We've never considered it creepy or notice that other people think it is, but it's definitely not something I would do to someone I've just recently met. If platonic touching hasn't been established as the norm between two people, it's a serious violation of personal space. That's probably why people think it's creepy, come to think of it.

I had a female friend who was pretty touchy-feely.  She would always put her arms around me, lay her head on my shoulder and lean on me while we were standing side-by-side.  She would even sit in my lap.  This girl was completely straight too so I didn't think she was flirting with me, but I still enjoyed the platonic interaction, even though I wasn't use to someone being that affectionate with me.  I made an exception for her.  

 

I think I was okay with her doing these things because she was unknowingly acknowledging/validating my masculinity as a nonbinary person.  She helped ease my dysphoria.

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What's strange is that I hate physical contact but am also hypersensual at the same time - whenever I feel extremely hypersensual, I just read platonic fanfics where the characters hug a lot and stuff and that seems to feed/satisfy my hypersensual side.

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I'm not touchy-feely, I feel uncomfortable to let even my family members touch me in a regular way. The type of closeness I'm most comfortable with, is to be physically close to a person while they're not touching you on purpose with their hands etc. Anyhow, I feel that it can be equally difficult and confusing if you're ace but not aromantic, i.e. you still have crushes. Like, you want to get emotionally close to people, but how does that happen with complete lack of physical contact? Sorry if off-topic!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I also love touches from loved ones. When a stranger touches me, I automatically pull back from a person. It seems to me in this case, when you need to understand whether you like or not to touch, and which ones you need, you should try a nuru massage here. This technique comes from Japan, is very sensual, brings pleasure not only for the body but also for the soul. But in order to understand how to properly do this technique, you must experience everything for yourself. I experienced extraordinary feelings.

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yessssss

i love holding hands and hugging and letting people lean on me sooooo much!!

sadly, my hands are always clammy from anxiety, so no one ever wants to hold hands with me :(

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  • 2 months later...
theAVENgers

As an ace with a need for touch and feel.  I can say that it leads to a lot of confusion when coming out.  My friends often see me as straight because of how I like platonic physical contact.

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I feel touch starved quite often, and I'm not always sure why. It's always really irritated me personally, because I feel like I don't really need to be around other people, but my cuddle deprivation says otherwise. But I don't have many close friends that are chill with cuddling, and I'm afraid to start anything because I'm terrified of it being misconstrued as sexual/romantic interest. 

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Biblioromantic

I understand soooo well what some of you have posted!

 

I just wanted to chime in with two suggestions that I've been trying lately: cuddle websites and cuddle parties.

 

Cuddle websites are like dating websites except that instead of dates, people meet to cuddle. That's the idea, anyway. There are lots of loopholes, though. Some people use it a thinly-veiled hookups, but I think the majority are there looking for legitimate cuddle partners. Some people on the websites are professional cuddlers, too, so there's that caveat as well. Pros cuddle for a fee, usually around $80-100 US per hour. If you'd like to check it out, the website I like best is CuddleComfort.com, but be careful if you decide to meet someone. Use common sense. Meet in public first. Talk about expectations and limits. Don't give a stranger your full name, address, or real phone number. Tell someone where you're going and when you'll be back. Just be cautious, and if you're uncomfortable, don't be afraid to say no, get up, and walk away. On the flip side, if you find a good partner and it goes well, the payoff is absolute bliss.

 

Cuddle parties are group activities with a specially-trained facilitator. Each cuddle party begins with a mandatory group discussion on consent, and group members practice asking for, receiving, and denying consent. Everyone attending also introduces themselves and has an opportunity to share their likes and dislikes. Then the cuddling begins. Some people spoon. Some people hold hands and chat. Some people give/receive back rubs. Some people cuddle up on the couch. Before any new touch begins, the giver requests consent from the receiver. It's awesome and something I've recently come to really enjoy, and I generally am able to relax and feel safer at the cuddle party because it's with a group.

 

If you're looking for more ways to satisfy your need for platonic physical touch, I'd encourage you to look into these options. And best of luck to you! May you find many safe, caring, warm hugs in the future!

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YEEESSSSSSS this is me. When it comes to friends and even close acquaintances, I hug hello and am pretty physically affectionate. It's funny because other women catch attitude with me like I'm trying to take their men or something and I'm just like...um I hugged you too? I almost wonder if the fact that I'm asexual makes me more uninhibited when it comes to nonsexual touching - like I have no idea why someone would have a problem with a person hugging their significant other hello if that person is a friend of theirs because I have never seen touch as a sexual thing. 

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  • 1 month later...

I absolutely ADORE skinship. Sensual, platonic touches are the best! Whenever my close friends, hold my hand, give me hugs, lean on me,even groping me at times (yes I'm aware how this may be taken in a sexual manner by some, doesnt bother me at all) kisses on my cheeks, etc I can feel my "affection bar" being filled right up! It always puts me in a great mood for the rest of the day.

 

I'm perpetually in a state of touch starvation, which led me to try finding a platonic cuddle buddy, alas..thats mission impossible, since most allosexuals seem to associate cuddling as an after coitus ritual. No joke, the amount of times a person stated if I want to cuddle them then I should sleep with them, is uncountable. Also at times my touchy feely ness may get too "clingy"for my friends so that sucks. In the future I do want to find an ace partner since I do miss being close with someone.

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On 9/11/2019 at 10:08 AM, Ace_Fujoshi_Passingby said:

I'm perpetually in a state of touch starvation, which led me to try finding a platonic cuddle buddy, alas..thats mission impossible, since most allosexuals seem to associate cuddling as an after coitus ritual.

Or something that leads to sex.  I've had enough instances of my boundaries not being respected that now I'd only consider cuddling with someone I really trusted.  Even people to whom I've tried to explain that I'm asexual have overstepped.

 

Not sure where I fall here.  I love the idea of being physically close with friends and hugging, holding hands, cuddling in a Platonic way, but I don't actually feel that way towards any of my friends whom I see day to day.  Maybe I'm just not close enough with them yet; I've only known them for about a year or less since I moved to a new city and met them.  Maybe I'm too emotionally guarded.

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InvisibleSquid

I'm a very huggy/cuddly person. My wife is not, and doesn't like any of that from anyone but me, and not all the time. Some of our friends are somewhat touchy people, and I'm good with that. I hug all my friends. Not that I see said friends often, since I'm not all that social. A couple of my kids are super affectionate with me, and it makes my day to give/get hugs, hold hands, and cuddle up on the couch with them to watch TV or whatever. So I guess I'm a pretty sensual ace. The only one who even knows I'm ace at this point is my wife, though, so I do feel like I have to be super cautious with boundaries, so no one gets the wrong idea (including my wife, who has a tendency to get jealous.) So I guess for now, my kids are my saviors, keeping me from becoming touch-starved. LOL

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My views and preferences on this have been confusing in the last couple of years especially and I think it is mainly because I have become a lot more sensitive to different vibes. One light example of this if someone's mood at the moment is not at all compatible with mine because I don't want to catch it (basically I know some think its crazy when you tell them you think all moods are contagious) I would hope that person would stay at least a few feet away from me. On the other hand, people who are happy and excited I usually feel like I am welcoming them into my personal space bubble so to say. I know this topic is about touch specifically, but for some reason I am not feeling like going into that much detail of speaking about that at the moment and I am thinking maybe I'll log in and talk about it some other time under this post. But this is just my own personal views on physical space. 

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Twisted Tempest

I think maybe it would have been, once I moved away from my family. But thankfully I was lucky enough to meet a very understanding and accepting group of friends. Most of them feel similarly too, so it works out. 

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Even though im ace I am also a really touchy feels person, so non-sexual forms of physical contact like hugs and cuddles are something that I crave. 

 

I’m thankfully lucky enough to have a friend that knows I’m ace and is willing to let me give her hugs or cuddle, and let me tell you, when I cuddle I kinda latch on to whoever it is. I definitely agree that in a lot of the US that kind of stuff is not really seen as something friends do, but that’s all we are. 

We’ll sit and cuddle and talk about guys and life and stuff, and that’s our friendship. I wish that society in the US was more open to friendships like this but that’s just life sadly. 

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I need a lot of physical contact, and I'm constantly under-stimulated.

 

Sometimes I turn music up insanely loud for just 3-5 seconds or just *floor it* in the car because I really need the sense of pressure on my skin.

 

I think this might be an Aspie thing. Temple Grandin talks about this with her squeeze machine and whatnot...

 

As for humans, I wish my friends would touch me more. I feel kind of lonely and isolated if I don't get a hug once in a while.

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I thought I was a touchy-feely person, but other people told me that I’m really not. However, I really like cuddling with my cat and hugging my best friend, I also climb into bed with my mom and snuggle with her not infrequently. It’s also not a problem if someone touches me accidentally. A person could accidentally grope me and I’d do better with that than some stranger putting an arm around my shoulders 🤷🏽‍♀️

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I am a really touchy-feely person, which actually really sucks for me? I don't like hugging or touching my family at all (short explanation: toxic home-life situation, I don't feel safe enough around them) and most of my friends don't like being touched a lot. I like giving people hugs, high fives, leaning on others, etc. but I never really can because I don't have anyone to touch. 

 

I've also had a few people find out I'm ace and immediately assume I don't like being touched and then they just kind of become really reserved around me. Which I appreciate they're willing to do that for other people but also just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I don't like touching people. It's one of my love languages, actually!

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  • 2 months later...

This is part of the reason I keep going back to dance classes. It helps to fill up my platonic touch bar, although not nearly as much as I would like.

 

One of my close friends pointed out recently that I snuggle into people (like a cat) when they hug me, and thats how she knows if I'm particularly touch-starved. I'd never noticed that about myself before. Luckily she gives really good hugs.

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Physical contact is nice, but generally only with family or when I'm in some kind of not-quite-platonic relationship.  

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Byird_no_wyird

I feel myself that I am very touchy-feely when it comes to people i am friends/family with. I'm thankful my friends put up with my constant need for physical affection. I can hold hands, hug and lay next to them in the grass during our lunch break. I don't feel comfortable with any touch more intimate with that and they respect it, which I love. when I first found out about Asexuality I came in contact with the too-common stereotype of the cold touch-adverse ace, which confused me a whole lot at a young person. Oddly enough I forgot about it and just 'embraced' my need for touch. (pun intended I guess.) : ) 

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I am so relieved this thread exists! And very glad to see not just aces but aroaces relating too.

 

I am aroace and I LOVE physical affection. I am often scared of initiating it, because I am worried the person will refuse it or worse, mistake it for romantic/sexual intentions. But in a perfect world, I would hug, cuddle, hold hands, even kiss the people I am closest to. I want to show my affection for them through touch... and I am also very touch-starved haha. Where I live, people touch more than it sounds like they do in the USA, but there is still an opinion that if you are too affectionate with someone, or touch in certain ways (like two men kissing), then it has to be romantic. I wish these perceptions didn't exist, so that aroaces like me can be as touchy-feely as we want (so long as the other person is okay with it, of course :)).

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  • 3 weeks later...
Sunflowerfield

Yes, I definitely relate! It's really hard for most people to separate touch from sex/romance, but I looooove platonic touch and cuddles. It sucks that people associate touch with flirting automatically. In the past I was super touch starved and it made me pretty anxious and depressed, plus it affected my health quite badly.

 

Thankfully I now have a queer platonic relationship where we usually catch up and snuggle platonically once or twice a week, and another cuddle buddy I see about once a month or so. I also go to cuddle parties sometimes, and I love hugs with friends. I would love cuddles every day if I could have them though! 

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CelesteAdAstra

For me, sensual attraction comes after romantic attraction, and even though I only ever want to touch people I'm in love with, I really want it then. Which is quite unfortunate because I haven't been in a relationship as of yet. I'm okay with hugs from friends and family, but they don't give me anything. I want to be held by a partner instead, I'm sure I would never tire of that.

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