Touchy-feely Aces

[RoseGoesToYale]

I was wondering about the experiences of other aces that enjoy touch or sensuality, whether platonic or more intimate or what have you. Do you feel like this aspect makes it harder for you being ace?

 

I'm one of those people where once you know me a bit, my personal space pretty much dissolves. You can sit as close to me as you want, put a hand on my arm or shoulder or whatever, as long as it's nowhere inappropriate, I'm cool with it. I'm lucky my best friend is also this way. Growing up there was no such thing as personal space between she and I. We slept in the same bed all the time, used each other as pillows, walked arm in arm, you name it. We had another mutual friend who was also cool with it. It's a good thing, because this was basically the only physical contact I could get on a regular basis, and I guess I require a lot of it, otherwise I go stir crazy. Female friends I made in school were not this way at all... too much touching was taboo, not because of a homophobic thing, more because in my culture (US) people just don't touch very much at all, even friends. A quick hug in greeting is acceptable, and not much else. So I always had to kind of figure out what was okay and what wasn't, which leads to me holding back somewhat until I know for certain the other person is okay with platonic touch.

 

I've been known to let strangers invade my personal space due to touch starvation. This happened in high school a few times. Once in freshman year I was having a really bad week and it all just kind of backed up and backfired on me in the middle of drama class. An older student took my hand and led me out of class, and out in the hall he took me in his arms and held me until I stopped crying. He wasn't interested in me sexually or romantically or anything, he just wanted me to feel better, and it was exactly what I needed. Another time this one random dude in my journalism class kept giving me long hugs and I was cool with it. If he crossed any lines I'd say "yo, I've had enough" and that would be that. When some family friends came over from Germany, we went to the supermarket, and one of the girls asked me if she could hold my hand and if I thought it was weird. I was like yes, and not at all! It's cool that she asked, asking is good.

 

I feel like it's harder to explain my asexuality while also being more touchy-feely. Like I tell people I'm ace, and they automatically assume I hate touch and don't want to touch anyone, when the situation is the opposite. Doesn't help that I come off as kind of icy and quiet in public. Like argh, sexual touch does not equal other forms of touch. I'm still touch starved, but more intimate forms of touch like cuddling are things I wouldn't want to do unless I knew the person very well, so paying for cuddling would do nothing for me.

 

Can anyone else relate?

[BeADreamer]

YES!!!

I'm aro too, but I thought that I wanted a boyfriend for the longest time because it seemed like that was the only acceptable way of getting enough touch (I'm also from the US). I realize now that my most ideal scenario would be a super close friend who wants and needs cuddles as much as I do. I'm just always afraid of it being construed as romantic and/or sexual interest, so I'd definitely have to know the person well (and they'd have to know me well) before I'd be comfortable bringing it up. I have a couple of really close friends, but they don't like being touched. Occasionally they'll give hugs if I ask because they know I like hugs, and I'm appreciative, but I need more touch than that. In high school I had a couple of friends who were very touchy-feely with everyone they considered a friend, which was great. But now we're all in different places. I feel like requiring so much touch doesn't make it harder for me to be aro-ace, but being aro-ace makes it harder for me to understand how to get enough touch without accidentally leading someone on or something like that.

[nineGardens]

Yup.

 

This is one of the trickest things, because in terms of expressions of affection/connection with people I LOVE physical contact.

But like... the main socially acceptable source of physical contact is a romantic partner, or someone you plan to sleep with.

 

Not sure what the feel is for girls, but suspect for guys it gets particularly tricky, because contact with girls makes them assume you are trying to come on to them (which... either gets them pissed off, or creates unintended expectations), and contact with guys hugging or be in contact with one another is... not super socially accepted (which is probably based originally on homophobia, but now feels like its own seperate cultural thing now).

[Jinkx]

This is something I've been struggling with for, well, years. Since middle school, I'd say. My one touchy-feely friend moved away at the end of elementary school, and since then the only person I've had consistent affectionate touch with is my mother. Were it not for that, I'd feel even more touch-starved than I already do. I somehow manage to continuously make friends with people who are neutral or averse to touch and I completely respect their boundaries. I just wish I could find a friend to cuddle and hug and hold hands with. I do hug my friends and occasionally hold their hand or something, but otherwise, not much. 

 

I think as far as culture surrounding touch goes, I've felt it can be very individualistic? Because I live in California and I've met people who are touchy-feely but also people who are not? AFAB folks anyways. I've never really had any offline AMAB friends. AFAB folks seem to me to be a lot more comfortable being touchy-feely with each other and have casual affectionate touch. Just... not my friends in particular. 💔

 

Well, now I'm back to feeling like this.

Spoiler

 

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

I totally get this,

and the struggle is real. 😂

I grew up homeschooled, and very socially dumb,

so when I entered a high school for the first time when I was 12,

I had no clue just how closed off everyone was about touching!

I'd hug someone for too long and everyone'd yell at me saying I was some sort of creep, or telling me I had a crush, or calling me a lesbian.

This made it even harder when I (not of my own accord) came out as asexual during the end of the year. Thankfully, I have since learned what "personal space" is and am no longer a completely socially-incapable 12 year old. 
My mom tells me it's different back in Europe, though. She says it's just Americans that are super physically reserved to general people. I dunno, maybe it's true. 

I could not tell you how many times I've received the condescending "Are you suuuuure you're asexual?" because someone thinks I have a secret crush on a close friend.
Heck, even my dad downright wouldn't speak to me for days because he "caught" me hugging a gay friend of mine who was going to be leaving for another school.
So yeah, this stuff gets annoying as heck when I'm being accused of having "SECRET BOYFRIENDS" and accused of being a repressed lesbian. 
I don't see why whenever sexual people see people having physical contact, they immediately think it has to be sexual or at least highly romantic.
But yeah, that's just my rant on things....

[mahnigbl]

I like to cuddle, for me I think it's very healthy and helps me deal with touch starvation - however, I really don't like to be touched in certain areas. I had to train myself to accept hugging and just the basic touch sensory that comes with socializing. I'm trying to get better at this, so I prefer being in situations with people who are touchy feely so I can get better at accepting touch. I don't mind being touchy feely with other people, I recognize the healing properties of touch and its ability to provide reassurance/comfort. Some people like a hand on the shoulder, or for someone to rub their back. Personally, it makes me feel uncomfortable to receive that kind of attention, but other people respond well to it so I do it because I know for many folks it helps.

 

I dunno, if I'm with someone I can handle kissing, cuddling, and giving - but that's about it. I have certain places that make me feel like I'm having a heart attack if someone were to touch me there, but I don't mind touching other people if they want me to. 

[lowLifeLoner]

I have an ace friend that is quite touchy. touches me randomly (probably to annoy me because she knows I'm not touchy at all), wips me with her hair, leaned on me once, although never again because she thought I was creeped out by it.  Personally I rarely touch people even in a normal sense, not repulsed or anything it's just not me. However I do like the idea of.. not particularly cuddling just being intermit with my crush so I do understand.

[Ldlelee]

You know...it's kind of funny. I used to have haphephobia. I remember being so terrified of being touched that to this day, I still freak out when someone touches my face or my back. However, I've gotten better. Like, a lot. I wish I had someone I could just snuggle with and be affectionate towards. I think it's because I've been so touch-starved my whole life, and once I realized it, my fear made more sense and I was able to work past it. 

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I am extremely touchy feely, just with machines rather than humans. Can't stand humans touching me, but I'll snuggle all day with my cars ❤️

[IcyZorua]

Yeah, I feel that. I feel like I'd want to pursue an asexual or queerplatonic relationship because of things like cuddling-- I don't really have many touchy-feely friends, and the emotional intimacy/companionship would be great as well.

[Laplace]

I’m not particularly touchy, in fact I’m often very hands-off, but if I were, it’d be tough cause guys nowadays can’t really initiate physical contact beyond a handshake or bro hug due to the risk of being being labeled weird at best and a sex offender at worst. Inherently, I’m usually fine with touch (assuming the other person is hygienic), but partly due to the social climate being as it is, I tend to keep people at arms-length.

[CajunAce]

I'm pretty touchy feely too, but I'm a bit picky. My mom doesn't like it when I try to hang on her, but my dad lets me glomp him anytime😊. My sisters will hug me or walk arm in arm. I've been in many dogpiles with my cousins- they don't care about personal space.

 

Outside of family, it's a bit different. I grew up with a lot of my fellow girl classmates being very touchy feely. I would get randomly hugged, have my hair played with, or a gentle touch on the arm/shoulder. So I'm comfortable with random women touching me as long as it's an appropriate place. I'm not as comfortable with guys (is that sexist?). Once a male teacher full-on hugged me at the beginning of my senior year (I'm pretty friendly with almost all of my teachers). I just stood stock still for a minute and walked away immediately after. I didn't chat with him very much after that....

[Loomie]

I thought I was the odd one here! Any media representation we have always seems to be touch averse aces, and I only know one grey-ace in real life (who is fairly touchy herself), so I wasn't sure if the touch-averse ace was a stereotype or the actual norm. 

 

I'm very touchy-feely. I rough-house with my brother (against my grandma's wishes), my friends and I playfully poke at each other, and when one of them started looping their arm in mine while we were walking, I decided to try holding her hand and we ended up doing that for the rest of the weekend trip we were on. (I also used to do that a lot with another friend, but stopped when they got a boyfriend. I've recently been reassured that probably neither would mind. I actually used to kiss this same friend on the cheek/nose to tease them, and they'd do the same to me.) We use each other as pillows and sometimes walk around seeing how much we can lean on each other and remain standing. I've got an otherwise not-touchy friend who constantly ruffles my hair and jumps onto my back for piggy back rides when we're in the water. Etc., etc., my friends are a weird batch of touchy-feely nerds and I'm all in.

 

However, while I've never gotten a comment on this particular aspect before, this is part of why I wait a while to come out to even openly LGBT/pro-LGBT new people. Because I'm ace, one of my friends apologizes when a conversation about sex gets particularly detailed, even though I've told her I don't mind and in fact find it amusing most of the time. I know someone who started apologizing for cursing around me when she found out, without any indication that it made me uncomfortable (it doesn't). I don't know how to ask people for things, especially touch (we love the U.S and its puritanical roots...), so I prefer that sort of thing to come about organically. But if a person finds out I'm ace, thinks that I must be touch-averse because of that, and then intentionally avoids touching me because they think that, then we may never get to that point unless the topic comes up in conversation. I'd rather get to know them, let them figure out that I'm tactile via little things like playful nudging or mock-sympathetic shoulder pats, and then come out and hope their behavior towards me doesn't change.

[TheCatBehind]

Oh I LOVE touch and generally everything to do with the sense of touch!!!

 

I am so touch starved that honestly I wonder if being this sterved is clouding my perception of my romantic orientation... I just long so badly for some good hugs, cuddles, hand holding, casual lean-ons, EVERYTHING.

 

I feel that if I weren't AMAB, I wouldn't be as touch starved as I am, but still wouldn't quite be... satisfied.

 

The culture around touch is just really restrictive and annoying and I hate it, and my only person irl I was able to get the occasional fill of cuddles from cut off my supply ;—; (not in a malicious way)

 

Generally I don't think it makes me identifying as asexual harder, just if I had to explain... it would take a while.

[TrippleL]

I range from touch averse to cuddly, depending on the person 🙂

 

I experience sensual attraction very intensely so love making non-sexual physical contact with crushes, and also friends in a more platonic way.

 

I relate to almost everything @RoseGoesToYale wrote, but only with some people 🙂

[Mezzo Forte]

I feel this so much, and that's especially strange to me because I didn't realize just how tactile I was until I transitioned. I'm actually quite astute to my sense of touch, and I suspect that the haze of dysphoria combined with the expectations of sex and romance made affection (or even really engaging my sense of touch at all) very difficult for me. I grew up with a very tactile family that definitely normalized platonic touch for me, but I always thought I was more neutral to that touch, so I was caught off guard by my issues with touch starvation in college.

 

I love platonic touch to death nowadays, but I think I'm particular about who is engaging me and who I want to engage. For the first time in my life, I started developing sensual attraction for a very dear friend, and it sometimes feels like a literal gravitational pull towards him. Up to this point, I thought I only liked certain types of touch on a functional level: basically, massages felt good to receive, but I saw little point in initiating touch or really having extended contact for the sake of touch. With this friend, I actively enjoy initiating touch and have found myself enjoying types of platonic affection that I outright assumed that I disliked.

 

My friend helped guide me through figuring out my alcohol tolerance, and we learned that I'm quite the affectionate drunk. (Yeah, I basically hugged his leg for most that night, and I actively have a tendency to hold his hand and put his arm around me when I drink.) When I later admitted that I felt this draw toward him, he told me that he had zero doubts in my asexuality and affirmed that any affection we share is mutually platonic. He's actually quite fond of my massages, and over time, I've been able to get more and more affectionate with him even without alcohol involved.

 

There's a certain irony though: transitioning allowed me to finally enjoy platonic touch, but now that I'm consistently read as a man, touch is far more complicated to navigate. The touch barrier got way stronger the more I was read as male, and I honestly would be terrified to be affectionate with my friend in public, especially because I don't want him to potentially experience any homophobia on my behalf. To be completely honest, the affection I feel for my friend makes me feel stuck in the middle between "queer" and "not queer enough," and I'm not quite sure how to situate these feelings within my identity. I'm still aromantic and asexual, yet I have a feeling that I'm more likely to develop these strong platonic/sensual bonds with fellow men than people of any other gender. My bond with my friend has outlined what I would potentially want from a platonic partnership someday, and I know now more than ever just how important platonic affection is for me.

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

On 4/3/2019 at 1:05 AM, lowLifeLoner said:

I have an ace friend that is quite touchy. touches me randomly (probably to annoy me because she knows I'm not touchy at all), wips me with her hair, leaned on me once, although never again because she thought I was creeped out by it.  Personally I rarely touch people even in a normal sense, not repulsed or anything it's just not me. However I do like the idea of.. not particularly cuddling just being intermit with my crush so I do understand.

I've noticed that people think leaning is creepy, 
I didn't know that until last year. Is that normal?? 
In my opinion, I don't particularly think it should be. At least, not on close friends or people who call themselves your close friends. 

[TheCatBehind]

5 minutes ago, ThatLonelyBookworm said:

I've noticed that people think leaning is creepy, 
I didn't know that until last year. Is that normal?? 
In my opinion, I don't particularly think it should be. At least, not on close friends or people who call themselves your close friends. 

I personally don't feel like it's creepy, but I also like leaning on and being leaned on by friends ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

But I do understand why people feel like that and it's just the way of things, I guess 😕

[TheCatBehind]

In other news, the other day I had a guy put his hand on the lower part of my back, he does that from time to time on everyone, idk; and I could only think how much I would like that feeling to stay there for much longer than it did... definitely touch starved T-T

[Firefly8]

It's good to see I'm not as much of a rarity about liking touch as I thought. (No matter the gender) I like hugs, leaning on to someone, hand around my waist or back, even kissing. I don't experience much of these not being romantic, but when they happen platonically it's nice.

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

15 minutes ago, Maks9090 said:

In other news, the other day I had a guy put his hand on the lower part of my back, he does that from time to time on everyone, idk; and I could only think how much I would like that feeling to stay there for much longer than it did... definitely touch starved T-T

The back, especially lower back, is a no-touch place for me, usually. 
I dunno, something about someone's hand lingering where I can't see it... Makes me uncomfortable and on edge. 
Exceptions are hugs and those group photos where everyone puts their arms around each other. 

[Firefly8]

7 minutes ago, ThatLonelyBookworm said:

The back, especially lower back, is a no-touch place for me, usually. 

Yeah, I've had a couple of creepy old (late 60s-70s) men drift their hand from a friendly back placement well down past the buttock curve quickly. I've since stopped standing next to old men.

[ThatLonelyBookworm]

3 minutes ago, Firefly8 said:

Yeah, I've had a couple of creepy old (late 60s-70s) men drift their hand from a friendly back placement well down past the buttock curve quickly. I've since stopped standing next to old men.

Oh, dear... 
Must've not have gotten the feminist agenda 50 years ago...

[TheCatBehind]

Oh, sorry to hear that @Firefly8...

 

Guess it's the thing of not having had bad experiences and also not having this experience really almost at all, bc of being a man and such that it felt nice

[Firefly8]

@Maks9090  I've heard of men having this happen to them too, but I guess it's far more rare. If people keep their hands in the platonic areas then it's nice and good to me.

[TheCatBehind]

7 minutes ago, Firefly8 said:

@Maks9090  I've heard of men having this happen to them too, but I guess it's far more rare. If people keep their hands in the platonic areas then it's nice and good to me.

Yeah, it's much more rare and usually the person who is doing it has to be piss drunk to get to that point. At least here in Poland.

 

I did hear some stories of that happening to men, but they are few and far between...

[Mezzo Forte]

4 hours ago, Maks9090 said:

Oh, sorry to hear that @Firefly8...

 

Guess it's the thing of not having had bad experiences and also not having this experience really almost at all, bc of being a man and such that it felt nice

When I give my friend massages, one of the spots he tends to enjoy is the lower back actually.  I think when there's trust that there's no sexual expectations, it can be easier to engage. 

 

I've found that I generally am more affectionate above the belt than I am below, as I'm not sure how I feel about massaging feet or legs, and I'm very particular about other people touching my own legs, especially compared to my upper body. (I have family who give pretty awesome foot/calf massages though. ) I had a couple scenarios where one of my women friends touched by bare leg when I was wearing shorts, and it made me uncomfortable in ways that unexpected upper-body affection has not. 

[Loomie]

8 hours ago, ThatLonelyBookworm said:

I've noticed that people think leaning is creepy, 
I didn't know that until last year. Is that normal?? 
In my opinion, I don't particularly think it should be. At least, not on close friends or people who call themselves your close friends. 

I find myself leaning on something more often than I stand freely. If one of my friends is nearby, it's quite likely I'll end up leaning on them at some point. 😄

We've never considered it creepy or notice that other people think it is, but it's definitely not something I would do to someone I've just recently met. If platonic touching hasn't been established as the norm between two people, it's a serious violation of personal space. That's probably why people think it's creepy, come to think of it.

[RoseGoesToYale]

2 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I've found that I generally am more affectionate above the belt than I am below, as I'm not sure how I feel about massaging feet or legs, and I'm very particular about other people touching my own legs, especially compared to my upper body. (I have family who give pretty awesome foot/calf massages though. ) I had a couple scenarios where one of my women friends touched by bare leg when I was wearing shorts, and it made me uncomfortable in ways that unexpected upper-body affection has not.

I wish professional massages weren't so expensive, it would be an excellent way to combat touch starvation. But like you said with legs, having them touched makes me uncomfortable. Specifically my knees are for some reason unusually sensitive, to the point where someone touching them almost hurts, so I'd have to find a masseur to whom I can say nothing below the hips. I don't care about someone touching my feet, but they're super ticklish, so kinda defeats the point. 

 

I remember my 2nd grade teacher had the perfect setup... during reading time, all the students sat in rows in front of her and she allowed us to give each other back massages. If you wanted one, you sat in front of someone. If you only wanted to give one you sat in back. If you wanted nothing to do with it, you sat off to the side. Nobody fidgeted, nobody talked out of turn, nobody misbehaved like ever. It was genius. Same thing in summer camp, the kids would give each other massages during downtime all the time. You could tell some of the counselors were uncomfortable with it, but they never told us to stop doing it, because there was nothing wrong with it. It's very much taboo here for adults to massage each other unless you're paying a professional or there's romantic involvement.

[lowLifeLoner]

18 hours ago, ThatLonelyBookworm said:

I've noticed that people think leaning is creepy, 
I didn't know that until last year. Is that normal?? 
In my opinion, I don't particularly think it should be. At least, not on close friends or people who call themselves your close friends. 

I didn't think it was creepy at all, I'd just never had it happen before and was surprised. Kinda miss it imho