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trickster123

Feeling wanted but as a friend

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trickster123

Sometimes I feel wanted as a friend but not as a patner. We've been in a relationship for three years and I've known that she is asexual or perhaps demi. Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish what the difference is between friendship and being a romantic partner. I guess there's romantic feelings involved and intimacy such as kissing and hugging but they were the only aspects I could think of at the moment, I'm sure there's more!

 

So my question is: For you, what constitutes the differences between friendship and a romantic relationship?

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AspieAlly613

For me, it's about how much you eel like you're living the same life.  To what extent does she feel that her problems are automatically your problems and vice versa?  

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MrDane

15+ years, and I get that feeling sometimes. Especially if I have just reached out and tried to give her a hug, but then remembers that she is not that much into hugs/kisses and then the ball of neglect and solitude start rolling around inside my head; she loves me, but... I could really need a kiss, why does she never kiss me, she kisses the kids/the dog, why did she kiss that guy from work on the cheek, she never kisses me, is she in love with him?, is she fucking him? No, wait. She never wants that. She thinks sex is a bit boring. Sex with me is boring? Am I boring at sex? Why cant I give her a great time. I wish she had sensible nipples. Or nostrils!?...    

 

we are still in a loving partnership. We love each other. The difficulty lies in the mix of love languages. Yes, I sometimes feel like best friends. Yes, sometimes I feel infatuated and crazy in love with my best friend. 

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ryn2
5 hours ago, MrDane said:

I could really need a kiss, why does she never kiss me, she kisses the kids/the dog, why did she kiss that guy from work on the cheek, she never kisses me,

Kissing the kids, the dog, the guy at work (I’m assuming she lives in a culture where cheek kisses as greetings are normal) all have one thing in common - they are simple gestures of affection and will only ever be received that way.  The recipient will never see such a kiss as - or try to turn it into, or be upset/sigh with regret when it doesn’t turn out to be - more than that.  The kids will never nuzzle her neck in a not-just-friendly way afterwards.  The guy at work won’t try for another kiss, on the lips, with tongue.  The dog won’t become, or behave as if, aroused.  None of them has ever had conversations with her where they expressed unhappiness over not getting/sharing more.  None of them has ever misread a hug or kiss as an invitation to sexual interaction.

 

It’s safe to hug and kiss them.  It’s not safe to hug and kiss you.

 

That’s not an indictment of your behavior or a criticism of you.  It’s just an indicator of what she finds uncomfortable.

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Fallen Unicorn
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Kissing the kids, the dog, the guy at work (I’m assuming she lives in a culture where cheek kisses as greetings are normal) all have one thing in common - they are simple gestures of affection and will only ever be received that way.  The recipient will never see such a kiss as - or try to turn it into, or be upset/sigh with regret when it doesn’t turn out to be - more than that.  The kids will never nuzzle her neck in a not-just-friendly way afterwards.  The guy at work won’t try for another kiss, on the lips, with tongue.  The dog won’t become, or behave as if, aroused.  None of them has ever had conversations with her where they expressed unhappiness over not getting/sharing more.  None of them has ever misread a hug or kiss as an invitation to sexual interaction.

 

It’s safe to hug and kiss them.  It’s not safe to hug and kiss you.

 

That’s not an indictment of your behavior or a criticism of you.  It’s just an indicator of what she finds uncomfortable.

If one person feels jealous and disconnected, and the other one feels uncomfortable showing affection, that just sounds like an unhealthy relationship?

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anisotrophic

Usually I ask for a kiss?

 

I mean, let's be honest: it's not going to be passionate? I ask for affection when feeling affectionate.

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MrDane
On 4/12/2019 at 3:13 PM, ryn2 said:

Kissing the kids, the dog, the guy at work (I’m assuming she lives in a culture where cheek kisses as greetings are normal) all have one thing in common - they are simple gestures of affection and will only ever be received that way.  The recipient will never see such a kiss as - or try to turn it into, or be upset/sigh with regret when it doesn’t turn out to be - more than that.  The kids will never nuzzle her neck in a not-just-friendly way afterwards.  The guy at work won’t try for another kiss, on the lips, with tongue.  The dog won’t become, or behave as if, aroused.  None of them has ever had conversations with her where they expressed unhappiness over not getting/sharing more.  None of them has ever misread a hug or kiss as an invitation to sexual interaction.

 

It’s safe to hug and kiss them.  It’s not safe to hug and kiss you.

 

That’s not an indictment of your behavior or a criticism of you.  It’s just an indicator of what she finds uncomfortable.

I know. And I understand. I am just saying, that it quickly triggers something in both of us, which is a bit unhealthy or corrosive. It is okay that she feels that way, but it is also okay that I wish she didnt.

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ryn2
46 minutes ago, MrDane said:

It is okay that she feels that way, but it is also okay that I wish she didnt.

Agreed.

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