Best Friend Help

[alrileythen]

I'm not a jealous person. I'm the only person in a friend group not in a relationship and the only one content without one. Everyone is lovey-dovey with their partners and it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. They're all sweet and happy, and the more I've been able to accept myself the happier I've been able to be for them. I love my friends! And I'm learning to love myself too.

 

But now, it's... weird. Or I've noticed it's weird. My friend is dating someone who, isn't the best for him. (This is more than my singular opinion. It's been discussed within the friend group Both parties just need to work at themselves more and my friend isn't particularly open to admitting the problem.) I've known him for years, we care deeply for each other. He's one of the few people I never mind getting hugs from, but I simply care for him as a friend. I know this because I've grappled with not knowing if it was something "more" (it wasn't) for a while. 

 

Whenever we're hanging out, his partner happens to interrupt a lot of things and drape herself on him. She's admitting to being insecure and needing constant validation, so I know it's why she does this. But she irks me especially when she does so. She walks over wherever he's having a fun time and interrupts it by demanding physical affection. 

Some of my friends are like this with their partners, but this instance always, always bothers me.

 

Is it just because they're unhealthy? I know I'm not romantically attracted to him, but our friendship is like, "best friend" on steroids. I've heard about QPRs before but I was curious if there was another word to be used? Or am I just making a big dumb deal of nothing?

[HonoraryJedi]

It isn't unreasonable to be jealous, and jealously is a shitty, toxic feeling and it is never pleasant when it strikes. I have never been in any situation like this one, but the advice I always read when it comes up in other places are they usually go along the lines of: Don't shit talk someone else's partner. Because in general, even if there really is a problem, people are not very open to being told. They'll have to see it themselves. There is advice out there cases when you're worried someone is in an abusive relationship, but I get that it is not quite that bad here right?

 

So, she's clingy and disruptive and annoying, but she's not trying to isolate him or anything right? And as long as that's the case, just accept to yourself that, yes, you think she's really annoying, and it bugs you that she and your friend do not seem to be good for eachother, and yes, it hurts that your friend is so into her. It's ok that this hurts, even if you were not romantically interested in him.

 

This is where I do really relate to the situation. I am not interested in being romantic, but I am interested in being important. So I don't want a romantic style of relationship with my friends, but I do want to know I mean something to them. And what I am guessing is happening here is that this importance with your friend, who you describe as being special to you, the best friend on steroids, is called into question when he has a girlfriend that takes up a lot of time and attention. Which, I get it, I can get like that with just my friends hanging out with eachother without me, but hopefully. I can really just offer you some validation on that, and the hope that in time, the relationships will settle in a way that him having a girlfriend does not diminish the intimacy and friendship you have built with eachother.

 

As an aside, the definition of QPR always confused me. I tend to say things like 'intimate friendship' and stuff like that to describe the kind of relationship I want. Don't worry about the words.