Is it wrong to want to stay a virgin forever?

[doggalogga]

No. Nothing is wrong.

You only question it because society's expectations are that everybody has sex by a certain age etc.

 

 

[Artistofnoname]

I don't think it is wrong at all; I can't even fathom not being so. I usually don't discuss it off this forum at length since I don't believe its anyone else's business unless it is important to disclose which isn't often.

[will123]

On 4/17/2020 at 3:00 AM, Ace_of_Spades07 said:

Nothing wrong with it at all! I'm still a virgin at almost 24 and probably will be forever. Especially since I'm also aromantic and don't date, I won't ever have to worry about compromising with a partner. And I'm not interested in sex. So I don't see a reason to ever change that.

I'm 58, ace since I was 44 and still a virgin and fine with it. I only recently realised what aromantic meant. That would've applied to me since I was in my 20s.

Edited April 19, 2020 by will123
Added 'recently'

[will123]

On 4/17/2020 at 5:40 PM, nijikazegirl said:

I don't think it is wrong at all; I can't even fathom not being so. I usually don't discuss it off this forum at length since I don't believe its anyone else's business unless it is important to disclose which isn't often.

When I've come out to the few friends (some that I've known since I was a teen) I've told them that I was a virgin. Not a single negative response 

[BodhranBace]

not at all wrong. I never want to have sex. 

on one hand I think virginity is a social construct meant to shame and control people, but also......no sex for me. 

[chris1987]

33 here and I've never wanted to do "it". I don't think it's wrong at all. I think it would be wrong if you felt forced or pressured to give in to something that you don't want to do.

[theromarin]

I don't think so. I really don't think I'm missing out on anything. 

[will123]

20 minutes ago, theromarin said:

 I really don't think I'm missing out on anything. 

I think I could say the same at 58...

[MsSelfDestruct]

No it's not.

The same way if you change your mind in the you're not wrong either.

[homa71]

I am so excited to be reading these comments because I have always been wondering why everything revolves around sex I wish it was different and people could accept asexuality I might never have sex too I really wanted to see these types of people around me 

[AppleSas]

I never ever want to have sex 100% repulsed. So, you're all good. Allos make it seem like a bigger deal than it is tbh.

[will123]

2 hours ago, homa71 said:

I am so excited to be reading these comments because I have always been wondering why everything revolves around sex I wish it was different and people could accept asexuality I might never have sex too I really wanted to see these types of people around me 

Welcome to AVEN is better than sex!

 

I'm a 59 year old virgin and have identified as asexual since I was 44. Up to that point I had hoped to lose my virginity at some point. Since then it's been a non-issue as far as I'm concerned. 

 

I'm out to around eight friends (and they know I'm still a virgin). They were quite accepting of my decision and reasons for it.

 

And yes you aren't alone in your feelings.

[KayleeK]

I'm in my 30s and never had sex. It just feels normal to me. The idea of having sex seems strange. The urge people have for sex is really just part of the body's programming to get humans to reproduce - same way it is in animals. I dont know why such a big deal is made out of it. I would prefer a relationship based on a connection of souls, not focused so much around the body and sex. I mean if your relationship is just based on physcial appearance and sex, what about when you get old. You might not be so interested in sex or be so physically attractive to eachother. But if you have a deeper love that goes beyond the physcial then love will endure.

I'm not against other people having sex if they enjoy, i just dont get it i suppose. I find it hard to understand whats so appealing about sex 🤔

[aloneaquarius]

Nothing wrong with wanting to remain a virgin. You gotta do what's best for you. It is a shame that society puts so much emphasis on losing your virginity, especially since you'll be shamed based on:

 

• When you lost it
• Who you lost it to
• If it was before marriage

There's probably more but that's all I can think of. 💤

[Raindrops]

It's terrible that this question even has to be asked. Sex is not mandatory and never has been, it's just an optional add-on to life. 😗

[Homer]

I genuinely don't understand this kind of question at all to begin with.

 

Let's assume that you ask this very question and someone comes along and says "Yes, it's wrong and you should not want this." Would that make you go "Hey, this random person's opinion on a personal matter of mine outweighs my own feelings on the subject so overwhelmingly that I will have to change my attitude on this thing that affects absolutely nobody except myself."

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, aloneaquarius said:

Nothing wrong with wanting to remain a virgin. You gotta do what's best for you. It is a shame that society puts so much emphasis on losing your virginity, especially since you'll be shamed based on:

 

• When you lost it
• Who you lost it to
• If it was before marriage

There's probably more but that's all I can think of. 💤

And the shaming goes both ways. It's a typical "double-bind" situation: "not acting like a slut" does in no way protect someone from being shamed as a "prude" because we live in a world in which a lot of societal permission for publicly judging other people's private lives exists. Typical example: out of backlash against the premarital sex stigma (and at least in Western culture this stigma is really very weak) some people will insist that it's "WRONG WRONG WRONG!" not to have sex before marriage (that it means certain sexual incompatibility etc.). And the very fact that such a question is asked means that there is some stigma against never having sex at all. It is somehow in the air - rarely expressed "officially", but this atmosphere of compulsory sexuality permeats many phenomena, from virgin-shaming in circles of friends and acquintances to priests, rabbis and imams going beyond just claiming that premarital sex is wrong and towards acting as if marriage was mandatory. And such a sociocultural atmosphere is obviously very harmful and even dangerous to sex-averse people, because for us it means constant pressure to do something which would only mean trauma for us. I don't let this pressure guide my choices, but perhaps only because I am able to recognise rebellion, defiance and eccentricity as valuable in themselves, as something which is much more precious to me than "fitting in".

[PenultimateSandwich]

I'm Catholic as hell, so I remain a virgin for spiritual and practical reasons (see: fear of disease and being ace). While I've never judged the status of others (and personally don't care), I'm incredibly grateful that I didn't give into pressure. I'm sex repulsed as it is so I'm sure my first time would have been incredibly traumatic like my first kiss. I'm happy to be a virgin and have fortunately never been judged for it (though that's probably because I'm a woman. Men have it so tough in this area!).

[LeChat]

6 hours ago, Homer said:

I genuinely don't understand this kind of question at all to begin with.

 

Let's assume that you ask this very question and someone comes along and says "Yes, it's wrong and you should not want this." Would that make you go "Hey, this random person's opinion on a personal matter of mine outweighs my own feelings on the subject so overwhelmingly that I will have to change my attitude on this thing that affects absolutely nobody except myself."

I think I understand why OP and others might've worried to themselves, "Is it okay if I stay a virgin?" I worried and asked myself the same thing, when I was younger, partly due to things like teachers educating about sex ed; knowing about or seeing a few students kiss or hold their partner's hand in high school; a doctor's office asking teenaged me, at the time, on forms, "Have you had sex?" "Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?"

 

As a youth, I did assume or think that educators and doctors, who had been to college and earned professional degrees, knew more about what was or would be considered "healthy," "normal," etc. for me.

 

So, since the doctor's office asked teenaged me, at the time, if I'd had sex, a partner, etc., I couldn't help but worry that they might've been saying, through those questions on the forms, that if I was "normal," I shoud've/would've already had or done those things, like other teens my age, at school.

[will123]

37 minutes ago, LeChat said:

I think I understand why OP and others might've worried to themselves, "Is it okay if I stay a virgin?" I worried and asked myself the same thing, when I was younger,

Nothing wrong in my opinion in asking the question. We're bombarded with sex for as long as we can remember. By asking the question a lot of us virgins have replied. I'm sure there are other virgins that have silently read the responses and felt better about themselves. They can see that there are other virgins that are content to stay a virgin.

[everywhere and nowhere]

2 hours ago, will123 said:

Nothing wrong in my opinion in asking the question. We're bombarded with sex for as long as we can remember.

But, as you can see, the intent behind these questions isn't clear, or at least they can be misunderstood as presenting teenage sexual activity as The Norm and lifelong celibacy as The Pathology. Doctors who ask about such things should be more careful.

Particularly since, in my opinion, 15 or 16 or even 17 is too early to have sex. I really think that an age at which most people can be truly ready for sex - in the sense of understanding it well enough to make an informed decision - is no sooner than 20. And since I also, because of principles, don't agree with age of consent being any higher than adulthood (because once we are 18, we gain full civil rights), I at least support raising age of consent to 18. I don't believe anyway that teens who have sex should be sent to detention centre for that, this would do much more harm than good, but people who have professional contact with teenagers - teachers, psychologists, etc. - should take care not to reinforce the impression that sex at this age is something expected. Teenagers, and particularly girls, are also at an increased risk of interpersonal pressure and dubious consent and such educators should be ready to ask the correct questions and empower them if they are pressured to have sex despite not feeling ready for it or even not having any real interest in sex.

[LeChat]

@Nowhere Girl Oh. I thought @will123 meant that it was okay for virgins to feel worried and ask themselves that question, not about doctors, others, etc. questioning virgins about their virginity.

[will123]

1 hour ago, LeChat said:

@Nowhere Girl Oh. I thought @will123 meant that it was okay for virgins to feel worried and ask themselves that question, not about doctors, others, etc. questioning virgins about their virginity.

I didn't mean that people 'should' be worried about being virgins, but could be. But due to society's pressures who do you ask if you feel that your desire to stay a virgin is conflicting?

 

If you were to bring it up in conversation, I can't imagine the responses being very positive. When I've come out as asexual and including the fact that I was still a virgin (57 at the time) I only received questioning comments once.

 

I was pleasantly surprised when I came out to a friend that I had known since we were teens. Yes she had a couple of questions but me remaining a virgin wasn't one of them.

[Homer]

5 hours ago, LeChat said:

As a youth, I did assume or think that educators and doctors, who had been to college and earned professional degrees, knew more about what was or would be considered "healthy," "normal," etc. for me.

Doctors are collecting information to be able to provide the best possible care.

[everywhere and nowhere]

4 hours ago, LeChat said:

@Nowhere Girl Oh. I thought @will123 meant that it was okay for virgins to feel worried and ask themselves that question, not about doctors, others, etc. questioning virgins about their virginity.

I'm not sure either, perhaps it was me who misunderstood what he meant.

[Hydrolysis]

There's nothing wrong with that and people should respect your boundaries regarding that. Sex isn't everything or even that important really so if you don't want that, you're not missing out on anything!

[will123]

11 minutes ago, Hydrolysis said:

There's nothing wrong with that and people should respect your boundaries regarding that. Sex isn't everything or even that important really so if you don't want that, you're not missing out on anything!

Well said!

 

Nor should there be this mindset that it's OK to ask someone if they're still a virgin.

[Hydrolysis]

4 minutes ago, will123 said:

Well said!

 

Nor should there be this mindset that it's OK to ask someone if they're still a virgin.

I totally agree, it's really invasive and I hate when people pry into my sex life. I think it's inappropriate to bring up without explicitly being on that topic of conversation beforehand.

[will123]

22 minutes ago, Hydrolysis said:

I totally agree, it's really invasive and I hate when people pry into my sex life. I think it's inappropriate to bring up without explicitly being on that topic of conversation beforehand.

I've never cared one way or the other about people's sex lives either and why should I?

[will123]

@Hydrolysis Other than mentioning it during the few times I've come out, my virginity has only come up once in conversation with a friend who was only slightly more experienced...