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How does one make a sexual-asexual relationship work?


truffles_fox

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truffles_fox

Hi, I'm not expecting any replies but it would be nice.

I am currently dating one of my closest friends in high school. I understand him and I being high schoolers often leaves him wanting sex. I totally understand that and I respect him on it the same way he respects me as being an asexual. But I can't help but feel like he will eventually begin to resent me for not wanting to have sex. This happened before twice with two different guys and one forced me into sex and the other broke up with me after he began to resent my asexuality. 

I know the guy I am currently dating wouldn't force me into sex, but I am scared that he will resent me as well. He and I try hard to compromise and we are perfect in every other topic, just not of sexual nature.

He understands what my asexuality is and that I have been forced into things before. So when ever we accidentally stumble into the sex department and I brush it past and change it back to more romantic types of activities such as hugging, light pecks, and holding hands. I just want to know if there's other people out there that can understand this. That and maybe give me advice because I don't want to lose him. We both knew getting into this relationship it was a challenge but what if we're not prepared for it as much as we thought we were?

 

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Knight of Cydonia

Asexual in a sexual-asexual relationship here. 5 years now and still going strong!

 

Communication and compromise are I think the two most important things to practice when trying to make such a relationship work.

 

The communication part I think is obvious - both of you have valid feelings on the matter that deserve to be heard, and neither of you should suffer in silence! Being honest, whether it be about things that aren't working or things that are, is important.

 

The compromise part is because both of you also have valid needs that do deserve to be met some way or another, and I think the healthiest outcome shouldn't involve one person doing all the sacrificing. I know some aces that believe the sexual person should be alright with never having sex for the sake of the relationship, and I personally think this is unfair. So I think you should be open to thinking about what you'd be okay with, both now and in the future. Compromise will look different depending on the specific couple of course, because sex means different things to different people. There also might be some things you're absolutely against doing - and that's okay! You can still have boundaries, and you shouldn't be forced to do anything you feel uncomfortable with.

 

When my partner and I first had our "big talk" about the sexual aspect of our relationship, he established that he wanted sex in the relationship, but that he'd be willing to wait until I was ready and he would respect if some things were off-limits. Over the years we've figured out what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not, and even though I'd far rather be doing absolutely nothing sex-related, I acknowledge that it's important to him and he's willing to have far less of that aspect of the relationship than if he was with another sexual person. I won't lie and say it's been totally without problem and that sometimes it doesn't give either of us frustration. But I think that's bound to happen, and what matters is that we talk about it and learn from each other. And everything else in our relationship is worth it.

 

 

 

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Simple answer, you've got to compromise. You need to keep your other half happy. A lot of aces do that.

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On 3/28/2019 at 7:51 PM, Gresla said:

Simple answer, you've got to compromise. You need to keep your other half happy. A lot of aces do that. 

This has to be a compromise all parties are happy with. If sex makes you miserable it will not work. But if there way for sex you are comfortable with or even can enjoy then this can be a solid base for a compromise.

 

You are worth having a relationship which makes you happy. And also your partner is.

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On 3/28/2019 at 2:51 PM, Gresla said:

Simple answer, you've got to compromise. You need to keep your other half happy. A lot of aces do that.

Compromise yes - ALL people have to in relationships. 

 

But that doesnt mean have sex if you dont want it. It means talk and see what middle ground to keeping you both happy exists. 

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Neither partner is more important than the other partner.  

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Touchofinsight

Sometimes you can make them work but more often then not in the long term your trying to force square pegs into  round holes. It really boils down to how much both parties can compromise and how much they value the other aspects of the relationship. The longer you behave against your interests and with cognitive dissonance the harder it can become to compromise. It can work but it takes a lot of communication and sacrifice but that can be said of most relationships to different degrees.

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I'm replying mostly out of wanting to follow this topic.

 

My partner is pretty sexual and I still haven't come out to him. I'm not sure how to, and how he'll take it. Well, everything happens for the best, I suppose, and I wish all you guys a great life, compromise or no.

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ReverentCreature

The other option not mentioned yet is have an open relationship. Maybe set boundaries and let him have fun elsewhere. You provide the love and companionship. The sex and fun can come from friends with benefits. But I would only do this is compromising isn't an option.

 

Open relationships could result in him leaving you for someone else. But to be honest that can also happen in a closed relationship if resentment and compromise isn't possible. If an open relationship works well it could save your relationship. 

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Purple Wanderer

Tried many times... 

 

 

 

 

Compromise... On both sides. Yay neither one is entirely happy.

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I want to follow this as well. I'm in a new relationship where my partner knows I'm not super interested in sex although we've never actually named it asexual since I just discovered asexuality a few weeks ago.  It was like a hammer to my head, yes, that's me!  We talk alot about us and that he is sexual and he is okay with me not being crazy about it. Sex is important to him and some of the things I've read have said you just tell them it's not going to happen. That doesn't seem fair at all. Yes, we've had sex.....I enjoyed it pretty much because he did. I want him to feel how much I love being with him.  I'm glad to read this thread about compromise.....makes me feel better.  I was married for 20 years and sex was a huge problem..he essentially told me I was gay....it's scary to think about going through that again. I really like this guy.....Thanks everyone. I'm really glad I found you. 

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15 hours ago, ReverentCreature said:

The other option not mentioned yet is have an open relationship. Maybe set boundaries and let him have fun elsewhere. You provide the love and companionship. The sex and fun can come from friends with benefits. But I would only do this is compromising isn't an option.

 

Open relationships could result in him leaving you for someone else. But to be honest that can also happen in a closed relationship if resentment and compromise isn't possible. If an open relationship works well it could save your relationship. 

If an open relationship or a polyamorous arrangement is an option for you is something you have to decide. If you consider this also ask yourself how do you feel about your partner developing an emotional connection with someone else. Could you handle them loving multiple persons? Would they be okay with you loving someone else and if you want it at all?

 

For me it is how I want to structure my relationships. I cannot give any of partners everything they need and neither do they give me everything I want.

 

If this is an option think about your boundaries before discussing it with your partner and best read about polyamory and how to open a relationship first.

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Squirrel Combat

One suggestion I'll throw out there is "outercourse". It's still sex and everything, but you can keep your clothes. Do it the right way and he would still come. That's what I have done and it worked pretty well between myself and the sexual woman I was with.

 

And if this guy is not into that; he needs to go inside, that's just patriarchy/male power dominance mentality, and you shouldn't accept any if that.

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Appointment sex. That's how I made it work. Two days a week, never the same two days.

 

I have to be honest, it was my schedule and husband didn't know anything about it, but it apparently worked, and I am also autochorissexual which helped a lot.

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  • 1 month later...
truffles_fox
On 4/1/2019 at 2:52 AM, vuecity said:

I'm replying mostly out of wanting to follow this topic.

 

My partner is pretty sexual and I still haven't come out to him. I'm not sure how to, and how he'll take it. Well, everything happens for the best, I suppose, and I wish all you guys a great life, compromise or no.

You should come out to him and if he doesn’t want to be with you after knowing you’re ace then it’s his loss. 

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truffles_fox
On 4/1/2019 at 6:01 AM, ReverentCreature said:

The other option not mentioned yet is have an open relationship. Maybe set boundaries and let him have fun elsewhere. You provide the love and companionship. The sex and fun can come from friends with benefits. But I would only do this is compromising isn't an option.

 

Open relationships could result in him leaving you for someone else. But to be honest that can also happen in a closed relationship if resentment and compromise isn't possible. If an open relationship works well it could save your relationship. 

Yeah he tried doing that with one of my best friends out telling me then told me and I dumped him. 

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9 hours ago, truffles_fox said:

Yeah he tried doing that with one of my best friends out telling me then told me and I dumped him. 

Well that isnt an open relationship, that is cheating. Open would be you both talking and agreeing before anything happens. 

 

Glad you dumped him. Sorry it went badly. 

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I do often times wonder how such things work giving the fact that I'm a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who to me seems like a partial sex addict for his "high lvl of desires". My folks don't take him seriously because I haven't seen him in almost 2 years since I moved and he wants to move things quickly as in if he comes down here he wants to take me back to live with him but being the fact that I am a christian and was raised as such I don't feel comfortable with the idea of shacking up with someone that I'm not married to. 

 

I don't see the issue in coming down to visit as a matter of fact it might would help to reconcile things with my parents so they don't hate his guts as much. For him and I to do what he is suggesting is not only going to create a problem for my moral standing but literally going to put me in bad standing with my entire family and my folks even told me that I go with him they're cutting me off completely. More then likely he's mostly thirsty because he hasn't "gotten any" in so long and that's why he's wanting to push things in that direct where as I am more then capable of waiting giving my "sexual apathy".

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14 minutes ago, Nylocke said:

I do often times wonder how such things work giving the fact that I'm a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who to me seems like a partial sex addict for his "high lvl of desires". 

What do you consider high levels ? 

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3 hours ago, Serran said:

What do you consider high levels ? 

I'm not really sure how to answer that considering I'm not used to someone being so open about it ... The way I grew up sexual stuff was always private and no one spoke of it openly. Even my parents are very private about such things and almost give off the impression that they don't even do anything. My mom will even turn off the view calling it "stupid" if they are talking about sexual things so openly on TV

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1 minute ago, Nylocke said:

I'm not really sure how to answer that considering I'm not used to someone being so open about it ... The way I grew up sexual stuff was always private and no one spoke of it openly. Even my parents are very private about such things and almost give off the impression that they don't even do anything. My mom will even turn off the view calling it "stupid" if they are talking about sexual things so openly on TV

Mmk.

 

Well... the average drive for younger people according to studies is somewhere between 1-4 times a week, with masturbation in between being normal. So, two years celibate and still loyal seems rather low, tbh. 

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3 hours ago, Serran said:

Mmk.

 

Well... the average drive for younger people according to studies is somewhere between 1-4 times a week, with masturbation in between being normal. So, two years celibate and still loyal seems rather low, tbh. 

How young are we talking exactly??? I am almost 30 and he just turned 32 a few months ago. Well I come from a really religious background and he's not religious at all so that's a thing. My parents, and my church have already told me its not going to work due to the difference in religious affiliations

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Just now, Nylocke said:

How young are we talking exactly??? I am almost 30 and he just turned 32 a few months ago. Well I come from a really religious background and he's not religious at all so that's a thing. My parents, and my church have already told me its not going to work due to the difference in religious affiliations

20s-30s, slows a little in the 40s but not that much (even in the 60s once a week is still a thing). 

 

And religious differences are not that bad if you can respect the differences. But, even really conservative religious people like regular sex, they just dont talk about it usually. 

 

So, the sexual mismatch is a thing to work out for sure before marriage. Have you told him you wont move in with him ? And arent that into sex? 

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3 hours ago, Serran said:

20s-30s, slows a little in the 40s but not that much (even in the 60s once a week is still a thing). 

 

And religious differences are not that bad if you can respect the differences. But, even really conservative religious people like regular sex, they just dont talk about it usually. 

 

So, the sexual mismatch is a thing to work out for sure before marriage. Have you told him you wont move in with him ? And arent that into sex? 

 

Yea, he knows all that. I think the thing he's mostly trying to avoid is my parents because he feels that they don't like him anyway so why should he do things in the respectable way kinda like. It is understandable if you know someone doesn't like you but the effect will be more on me falling into very bad standing with my entire family if they end up deciding to completely ex-communicate me

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1 hour ago, Nylocke said:

 

Yea, he knows all that. I think the thing he's mostly trying to avoid is my parents because he feels that they don't like him anyway so why should he do things in the respectable way kinda like. It is understandable if you know someone doesn't like you but the effect will be more on me falling into very bad standing with my entire family if they end up deciding to completely ex-communicate me

I can understand not wanting to do things your parents want, but it sounds like you want things hes not respecting and that is a whole other issue. :s

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On 5/26/2019 at 7:16 AM, Serran said:

I can understand not wanting to do things your parents want, but it sounds like you want things hes not respecting and that is a whole other issue. :s

 

I just wanna keep the peace as much as possible. My dad always used to say not to completely burn bridges all the time because you never know when you will need someone's help again. While I cut many ties in my life with people who didn't really serve a purpose to me anyway, my parents despite their specific issues have atleast tried to help out with different things here and there while he's only been in my life for about 2 years now.

 

I feel that he does better to just come around a bit more and make his presence known being the fact my parents nor anyone really take him seriously as "my boyfriend" as this point. Even a guy friend from the PS4 has low key tried to come on to me after known how long its been since I seen my boyfriend and its only natural for someone to assume that one isn't "making the effort".

 

I think part of this has to do with the fact that back home my dad initially told him to break up with me and "get his life together" instead of trying to hold a relationship at this time. I guess this is merely his way of trying to do that knowing his limited resources even though jumping the gun and moving in together without having seen each other in almost 2 years is quiet a risk ... Everyone loves pressure don't they o_O???

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  • 2 weeks later...
ReverentCreature
On 5/26/2019 at 1:13 PM, Serran said:

Well that isnt an open relationship, that is cheating. Open would be you both talking and agreeing before anything happens. 

Thanks. Yep definitely said open relationship. Cheating is not the same thing.

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